WEBVTT
00:00:16.125 --> 00:00:17.833
Yep, check, check. Yep.
00:00:19.375 --> 00:00:21.142
- Thank you.
- Sorry about the leaky pipes.
00:00:21.166 --> 00:00:22.833
It shouldn't affect the interview at all.
00:00:22.916 --> 00:00:24.476
You good with sound
and everything on that?
00:00:24.500 --> 00:00:25.820
We'll take it out in post.
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Uh, that's just plumbing,
'cause it's not even raining outside.
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Sorry.
00:00:32.916 --> 00:00:35.500
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
00:00:35.583 --> 00:00:37.041
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
00:00:37.125 --> 00:00:38.833
and today my guest is...
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Matthew...
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McConnach...
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McCannoway.
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Matthew McConnarr...
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Matthew McConnagee. McConaughey.
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Good to be here, Zach.
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All right, all right, all right.
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Sorry, I was just reading the box office
returns for your last three movies.
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All right.
00:01:01.958 --> 00:01:02.958
All right.
00:01:03.250 --> 00:01:04.490
I guess that one was all right.
00:01:06.083 --> 00:01:07.875
I notice that you're wearing a shirt.
00:01:08.416 --> 00:01:09.333
Is everything okay?
00:01:10.916 --> 00:01:11.916
You fucking kidding me?
00:01:12.541 --> 00:01:14.333
Of all the things
you can win an Oscar for,
00:01:14.416 --> 00:01:16.875
how surprised are you
that you won one for acting?
00:01:17.625 --> 00:01:18.500
Here we go.
00:01:18.583 --> 00:01:20.625
But so did that guy
from Thirty Seconds To Mars.
00:01:21.291 --> 00:01:22.291
So, um...
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how proud can you really be?
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How much time do we have?
00:01:24.625 --> 00:01:27.059
I'm out of here in about 15 minutes,
so whatever. Do something.
00:01:27.083 --> 00:01:27.958
What do you have to do?
00:01:28.041 --> 00:01:30.666
Go drive around in a Lincoln convertible,
shirtless?
00:01:30.750 --> 00:01:31.750
Yeah.
00:01:33.333 --> 00:01:35.583
Your dad died while having sex
with your mom,
00:01:35.666 --> 00:01:37.916
and you've said that you want
to go out the same way.
00:01:38.541 --> 00:01:40.421
You and your mom need
to set up some boundaries.
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- No, it's not true.
- I wasn't...
00:01:41.541 --> 00:01:43.017
- Next question.
- It wasn't supposed to be funny.
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- It's just a rumor that I heard.
- Yeah, I hear you.
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Who do you think will accidentally
starve himself to death first,
00:01:48.125 --> 00:01:49.291
you or Christian Bale?
00:01:50.625 --> 00:01:52.458
You lost so much weight for that movie,
00:01:52.916 --> 00:01:55.458
I thought you might die from fake AIDS.
00:01:55.541 --> 00:01:57.250
I've got three kids, I got a wife.
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What have you got?
00:01:58.958 --> 00:01:59.958
Besides two ferns?
00:02:03.500 --> 00:02:05.375
At least you're watering them, I see.
00:02:06.541 --> 00:02:07.875
Yeah, and again, I'm sorry.
00:02:07.958 --> 00:02:09.809
- We'll fix it in the edit.
- Doesn't bother me.
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I'm so... I'm so sorry.
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Can I just, uh...
00:02:15.791 --> 00:02:17.791
...see what's going on with these pipes?
00:02:21.083 --> 00:02:22.083
I got a lighter.
00:02:25.375 --> 00:02:26.583
Dude, don't do that.
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Help!
00:02:35.541 --> 00:02:36.750
A little help here?
00:02:43.166 --> 00:02:44.206
I can't get out!
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Who was the idiot
that installed the sprinkler system?
00:02:49.708 --> 00:02:52.666
- What's the way out, Zach?
- I don't know, Matthew!
00:02:52.750 --> 00:02:54.101
Well, where did we come in from?
00:02:54.125 --> 00:02:57.125
I don't recall, Matthew,
I'm a little... stressed!
00:03:00.333 --> 00:03:02.583
Well, they turned the sprinklers off.
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And... action.
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Hello,
00:03:42.833 --> 00:03:44.750
and welcome to Behind Two Ferns,
00:03:45.083 --> 00:03:46.958
the story of Between Two Ferns,
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a special feature-length documentary
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providing an inside glimpse
at my award-losing talk show.
00:03:52.750 --> 00:03:54.041
I'm Zach Galifianakis.
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We're here in Flinch, North Carolina,
00:03:56.208 --> 00:03:58.458
where I've taped my show
for over ten years.
00:03:59.041 --> 00:04:00.458
Not only do I host the show,
00:04:00.708 --> 00:04:02.166
but I will be your tour guide
00:04:02.416 --> 00:04:04.208
throughout your cinematic experience.
00:04:04.666 --> 00:04:07.625
Who knows,
maybe the movie will even be in 3D?
00:04:09.458 --> 00:04:11.041
Little trivia about my show,
00:04:11.500 --> 00:04:13.625
I originally wanted to call it
Betwixt Two Ferns,
00:04:13.708 --> 00:04:15.791
but I thought that was
too highbrow for the public.
00:04:18.791 --> 00:04:21.125
Our journey begins here,
like most classic tales,
00:04:21.208 --> 00:04:24.041
with our hero opening a door
into adventure.
00:04:26.500 --> 00:04:27.708
And... cut.
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Great, that was the best one.
00:04:30.208 --> 00:04:31.392
Twenty-one takes is good for you?
00:04:31.416 --> 00:04:33.517
Twenty-one takes?
That's really, really good for me, yep.
00:04:33.541 --> 00:04:34.458
We can move on?
00:04:34.541 --> 00:04:36.781
- Yeah, let's move on, that was perfect.
- Okay, move on!
00:04:37.875 --> 00:04:40.833
I grew up here in the small town
of Flinch, North Carolina,
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and ever since I was a kid, I...
00:04:43.791 --> 00:04:47.458
dreamed of being a big
network TV personality.
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But things haven't worked out
exactly as planned.
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From Flinch, North Carolina,
00:04:59.208 --> 00:05:01.833
it's Flinch Public Access Television!
00:05:02.250 --> 00:05:06.000
Anybody watching this show
has the ability to make a piñata.
00:05:06.125 --> 00:05:08.184
- You're lying. You didn't say that.
- The lifeblood of America.
00:05:08.208 --> 00:05:10.101
- You told me it was about waste water.
- I don't lie.
00:05:10.125 --> 00:05:12.791
I have no idea what I'd do without you.
00:05:12.875 --> 00:05:15.791
Think about soccer,
you don't even use your hands.
00:05:16.541 --> 00:05:18.208
That's what makes us human.
00:05:18.625 --> 00:05:19.916
Didn't like that card.
00:05:20.666 --> 00:05:21.866
Didn't like that card, either.
00:05:21.916 --> 00:05:23.416
Where do you keep your Oscar?
00:05:23.791 --> 00:05:24.791
I mean your, uh...
00:05:24.833 --> 00:05:26.500
Blockbuster Entertainment Award?
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We are here, at, uh...
00:05:33.750 --> 00:05:35.458
Flinch Public Access Television,
00:05:35.541 --> 00:05:37.416
FPAT-V, for short.
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What's great about public access
00:05:40.166 --> 00:05:41.416
is the feel of community.
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Here comes the tornado.
00:05:44.625 --> 00:05:46.541
Anybody's voice can be heard here.
00:05:46.625 --> 00:05:48.125
Top that, motherfucker.
00:05:49.250 --> 00:05:52.416
This is where I've been
taping my shows for over a decade now.
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- Hi.
- Hi!
00:05:54.958 --> 00:05:55.958
I'm, uh...
00:05:56.291 --> 00:06:00.291
Keanu Reeves and I'm here
for Between Two Ferns.
00:06:00.375 --> 00:06:01.708
Oh, yeah.
00:06:05.416 --> 00:06:06.736
Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis.
00:06:06.791 --> 00:06:07.951
Welcome to another edition...
00:06:08.500 --> 00:06:09.750
of Between Two Ferns.
00:06:09.833 --> 00:06:12.083
Uh, my guest today is Keanu Reeves.
00:06:12.958 --> 00:06:15.291
- Thank you for being here.
- Thanks for having me here.
00:06:15.875 --> 00:06:18.333
You have a big scar, I hear,
from a motorcycle accident?
00:06:18.416 --> 00:06:19.708
Yeah, I do, yeah.
00:06:20.083 --> 00:06:21.083
Is it... Where is it?
00:06:21.125 --> 00:06:22.684
- Just goes from here to here.
- Big one?
00:06:22.708 --> 00:06:24.101
- God, that big?
- Yeah, it's about...
00:06:24.125 --> 00:06:27.083
I have a similar scar on my...
on my leg.
00:06:27.333 --> 00:06:28.333
From what?
00:06:28.541 --> 00:06:30.166
Walked out of the movie Lake House.
00:06:30.541 --> 00:06:32.833
Bumped into the seat in front of me.
00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:36.375
On a scale of one to 100,
00:06:36.458 --> 00:06:37.750
how many words do you know?
00:06:38.750 --> 00:06:39.875
One to 100?
00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:41.583
Like, do you know 50 words?
00:06:41.666 --> 00:06:43.000
Do you know 75 words?
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Do you know 18 words?
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Is it frustrating, uh...
00:06:47.458 --> 00:06:49.791
to have people think of you
as a complete bozo?
00:06:50.041 --> 00:06:51.541
When the truth is that you're just...
00:06:51.958 --> 00:06:53.791
a man with below average intelligence?
00:06:54.958 --> 00:06:55.958
Just do...
00:06:56.208 --> 00:06:57.416
one for yes, and then...
00:06:58.791 --> 00:06:59.791
two for no.
00:07:00.333 --> 00:07:01.750
Do you research your roles?
00:07:02.166 --> 00:07:03.166
Yeah.
00:07:03.375 --> 00:07:06.666
Have you ever considered researching
a character that has taken acting classes?
00:07:07.625 --> 00:07:09.458
Right now I'm acting like this is fun.
00:07:10.750 --> 00:07:11.833
How am I doing?
00:07:13.166 --> 00:07:14.291
It's a good show.
00:07:14.375 --> 00:07:17.125
Right now,
it's the seventh-ranked show in, uh...
00:07:17.750 --> 00:07:20.958
southeastern North Carolina's
public access television market.
00:07:22.166 --> 00:07:23.500
I mean, do I have other dreams?
00:07:23.625 --> 00:07:25.791
I've always wanted to jet ski to Alaska.
00:07:27.250 --> 00:07:29.375
But, ultimately, in life,
I'd like to have my own
00:07:30.125 --> 00:07:31.166
late night talk show.
00:07:32.875 --> 00:07:34.125
But this, for now,
00:07:34.500 --> 00:07:35.500
what I have now...
00:07:37.333 --> 00:07:38.333
this will do.
00:07:42.083 --> 00:07:43.083
Who's on cocaine?
00:07:43.291 --> 00:07:45.541
I'm sorry, I thought someone said
someone's on cocaine,
00:07:45.625 --> 00:07:47.791
and I was like, "Who's on cocaine?"
00:07:48.333 --> 00:07:49.333
'Cause it's not me.
00:07:50.583 --> 00:07:52.625
You ready? Let's do it.
00:07:52.791 --> 00:07:55.416
Okay. So, how did you stumble across Zach?
00:07:55.791 --> 00:07:58.166
When I, uh, first saw some...
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footage of...
00:08:01.583 --> 00:08:04.333
...this fat idiot, Zach Galifianakis,
00:08:04.416 --> 00:08:08.166
I thought...
I thought it was a practical joke.
00:08:08.250 --> 00:08:10.416
I don't know if you wanna get
a tight shot of that?
00:08:10.916 --> 00:08:13.750
America's Dumbest Television Hosts.
00:08:15.125 --> 00:08:18.250
And, uh, I saw him on this tape
and he was so...
00:08:18.333 --> 00:08:19.416
He was such an idiot,
00:08:19.708 --> 00:08:21.125
and he was so dumb,
00:08:21.625 --> 00:08:22.958
and so fat.
00:08:23.333 --> 00:08:25.250
So, uh, without asking,
00:08:25.958 --> 00:08:28.875
I uploaded it to my website, Funny Or Die,
00:08:29.666 --> 00:08:30.666
and, uh...
00:08:30.916 --> 00:08:31.916
All the clicks.
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Over 500 trillion and counting.
00:08:34.708 --> 00:08:36.041
And those clicks...
00:08:37.500 --> 00:08:38.791
equals more green,
00:08:39.500 --> 00:08:40.666
which equals more white,
00:08:41.750 --> 00:08:43.083
which equals more...
00:08:44.791 --> 00:08:45.791
purple.
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That's me putting on a big,
00:08:49.291 --> 00:08:50.583
purple feather boa.
00:08:52.166 --> 00:08:54.006
Yeah, so, I signed him
to an exclusive contract
00:08:54.083 --> 00:08:55.291
and, you know,
00:08:55.875 --> 00:08:58.625
started forcing my Hollywood friends
to be interviewed by him.
00:08:59.125 --> 00:09:01.833
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
00:09:01.916 --> 00:09:03.583
Uh, my guest today is...
00:09:04.250 --> 00:09:05.250
Chance the Rapper.
00:09:06.166 --> 00:09:07.000
Hi.
00:09:07.083 --> 00:09:08.958
You're an actor, a rapper, an activist.
00:09:09.041 --> 00:09:10.625
Why aren't you also an astronaut?
00:09:11.375 --> 00:09:14.416
Uh...
I don't know. I'm not very, uh...
00:09:15.708 --> 00:09:18.166
- like, I don't come from, uh...
- Space.
00:09:19.208 --> 00:09:20.041
Yep.
00:09:20.125 --> 00:09:22.500
If your parents had not named you
Chance the Rapper,
00:09:22.583 --> 00:09:24.743
do you think you would have
pursued a different career?
00:09:25.208 --> 00:09:27.166
My parents didn't name me
Chance the Rapper.
00:09:27.250 --> 00:09:28.333
That's a stage name.
00:09:28.416 --> 00:09:29.416
Any siblings?
00:09:29.791 --> 00:09:31.166
I have one brother, yeah.
00:09:31.250 --> 00:09:32.333
What's he do for a living?
00:09:32.416 --> 00:09:33.416
He's a rapper too.
00:09:33.791 --> 00:09:34.666
What is his name?
00:09:34.750 --> 00:09:36.208
Community Chest the Rapper?
00:09:37.416 --> 00:09:38.791
Uh, no.
00:09:39.625 --> 00:09:41.166
You're friends with Kanye West.
00:09:43.291 --> 00:09:44.291
That's the joke.
00:09:45.750 --> 00:09:47.041
I don't like that joke.
00:09:48.125 --> 00:09:49.642
Will you just give these a chance?
00:09:49.666 --> 00:09:50.666
They're fine.
00:09:51.291 --> 00:09:52.375
This is good stuff.
00:09:52.791 --> 00:09:54.831
Stop fucking playing with me right now.
00:09:55.250 --> 00:09:57.809
So, it seems like you have
a lot of responsibility here.
00:09:57.833 --> 00:10:00.416
I do. The show carries
a lot of responsibility,
00:10:00.500 --> 00:10:02.142
- but, you know...
- Oh, my God.
00:10:02.166 --> 00:10:03.875
I'm surrounded by a really good team.
00:10:03.958 --> 00:10:05.500
My office is right this way.
00:10:06.833 --> 00:10:09.625
Got a great view of everybody,
I can kinda keep an eye on things.
00:10:13.166 --> 00:10:15.958
I feel sorry for people who use laptops.
00:10:16.083 --> 00:10:17.458
They don't get that exercise.
00:10:18.083 --> 00:10:19.125
I'm Carol.
00:10:19.208 --> 00:10:22.666
I am Zach's right-hand woman, yeah.
00:10:23.125 --> 00:10:24.541
He cares about his job.
00:10:25.458 --> 00:10:26.625
He's very creative.
00:10:26.708 --> 00:10:27.541
He's very clever.
00:10:27.625 --> 00:10:29.916
So, I do a lot of things for him,
he's very busy, and...
00:10:30.458 --> 00:10:33.291
um, he just needs somebody
to take care of all the details,
00:10:33.375 --> 00:10:34.875
and I'm happy to do it.
00:10:35.458 --> 00:10:37.250
Sometimes words are overwhelming for him.
00:10:37.333 --> 00:10:39.226
He needs to just
kind of break it up a little bit.
00:10:39.250 --> 00:10:42.458
Zach likes me to cut out all the big
top stories of the day from the newspaper.
00:10:42.708 --> 00:10:45.017
Just throw them in the trash
so he can just look at the pictures.
00:10:45.041 --> 00:10:46.351
I've written down lists of things
00:10:46.375 --> 00:10:48.309
that I wanted him to make sure
he remembered, and...
00:10:48.333 --> 00:10:49.958
his brain just doesn't work that way.
00:10:50.041 --> 00:10:50.875
He needs it to be drawn.
00:10:50.958 --> 00:10:52.708
So, it'll just be a picture of him,
00:10:53.083 --> 00:10:54.083
in bed,
00:10:54.125 --> 00:10:56.166
and every step,
from removing the covers,
00:10:56.250 --> 00:10:57.666
standing up, walking...
00:10:57.750 --> 00:10:58.875
And then after that,
00:10:59.208 --> 00:11:00.333
that's you in the car.
00:11:00.916 --> 00:11:01.833
When I leave?
00:11:01.916 --> 00:11:02.916
Yeah.
00:11:03.333 --> 00:11:04.625
- Hey.
- Hi.
00:11:04.750 --> 00:11:06.875
Zach also has me run
personal errands for him.
00:11:07.333 --> 00:11:09.125
For instance, he has very sensitive skin,
00:11:09.208 --> 00:11:12.083
and he needs to wear panty liners
to protect his private area.
00:11:13.458 --> 00:11:14.791
I call her the Getter.
00:11:15.500 --> 00:11:16.333
She gets it.
00:11:16.416 --> 00:11:17.958
She gets me and she gets...
00:11:18.708 --> 00:11:19.541
guest,
00:11:19.625 --> 00:11:22.625
and she gets...
she gets things for me.
00:11:22.708 --> 00:11:23.875
So I call her the Getter.
00:11:24.583 --> 00:11:25.583
And, uh...
00:11:26.250 --> 00:11:27.083
she's wonderful.
00:11:27.166 --> 00:11:29.416
So, Zach has a thing called
"fernspection,"
00:11:29.500 --> 00:11:32.916
where he wants to make sure
that the ferns are just so,
00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:35.541
and they have to be
exactly the same in every episode.
00:11:35.625 --> 00:11:37.166
He likes that continuity.
00:11:37.708 --> 00:11:39.375
Green as ever. They look great.
00:11:43.000 --> 00:11:44.166
Moisture's nice. Good.
00:11:47.958 --> 00:11:48.958
Ow.
00:11:49.708 --> 00:11:51.958
- Why do they look so different?
- I don't...
00:11:55.041 --> 00:11:57.375
I don't know how to take care of these.
Keep killing them.
00:11:58.291 --> 00:12:00.011
I just buy new ones
whenever we have a show.
00:12:03.333 --> 00:12:05.333
Is the width off to you? No, that's right.
00:12:05.541 --> 00:12:06.375
Looks good.
00:12:06.458 --> 00:12:08.458
That's exactly what it was last time.
00:12:12.041 --> 00:12:13.125
What's the readout?
00:12:13.208 --> 00:12:14.351
- I have one.
- Whoa. No, no, no.
00:12:14.375 --> 00:12:15.375
It says one.
00:12:15.750 --> 00:12:16.875
I gotta say...
00:12:17.416 --> 00:12:19.875
it's hard to believe I've used
the same ferns all these years.
00:12:20.583 --> 00:12:22.333
- Okay. So, yeah, we all set?
- Yeah.
00:12:22.750 --> 00:12:23.870
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
00:12:24.083 --> 00:12:26.203
Good work. Really good work.
00:12:27.083 --> 00:12:28.723
Hey, Chuck, I wanted to talk you about...
00:12:31.000 --> 00:12:33.320
So, I've heard people
call you by your nickname.
00:12:33.416 --> 00:12:34.625
Can you explain what it means?
00:12:34.791 --> 00:12:37.708
I'm nicknamed Cam
because it's short for Cameron.
00:12:37.916 --> 00:12:40.166
A lot of people say, like,
"No, you're nicknamed Cam
00:12:40.250 --> 00:12:43.083
because now you work with cameras,"
but that's not true.
00:12:43.166 --> 00:12:44.958
I'm probably one of the top,
00:12:45.416 --> 00:12:47.250
you know, 50...
00:12:48.333 --> 00:12:50.500
...probably top 50 cameramen
you can find.
00:12:50.750 --> 00:12:52.291
I'm not crazy about him.
00:12:52.875 --> 00:12:55.250
His attitude is... sloppy.
00:12:55.750 --> 00:12:57.541
I asked for an ecu of the button.
00:12:58.916 --> 00:13:00.166
You know? And I...
00:13:00.291 --> 00:13:01.583
I didn't see your camera move.
00:13:01.666 --> 00:13:02.708
An ECU?
00:13:02.958 --> 00:13:04.125
Zach is...
00:13:04.666 --> 00:13:07.333
and I'll say this
the nicest way I know how,
00:13:07.541 --> 00:13:09.291
he is an absolute piece of shit,
00:13:09.791 --> 00:13:11.250
garbage rat, loser,
00:13:11.625 --> 00:13:12.625
uh, donkey.
00:13:12.708 --> 00:13:14.750
He's the biggest piece of shit
I've met in my life
00:13:14.833 --> 00:13:16.791
and I've met some big pieces of shit.
00:13:17.958 --> 00:13:19.583
In life and in a toilet.
00:13:20.083 --> 00:13:22.125
I have a really good time,
and I like Zach.
00:13:22.250 --> 00:13:24.000
I think he's...
I think he's sweet.
00:13:24.375 --> 00:13:26.976
You didn't come to Cecil's birthday party.
You know, Cecil, the janitor?
00:13:27.000 --> 00:13:27.875
She's good.
00:13:27.958 --> 00:13:29.166
I like her enthusiasm.
00:13:29.291 --> 00:13:30.476
A little annoying.
00:13:30.500 --> 00:13:32.375
We didn't have cupcakes,
'cause he's vegan now.
00:13:32.458 --> 00:13:33.658
Did you know that, he's vegan?
00:13:33.875 --> 00:13:36.916
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, so I got like plums and persimmons.
00:13:37.000 --> 00:13:38.125
It's fine, I mean...
00:13:38.250 --> 00:13:41.416
That woman
fucking annoys the shit out of me.
00:13:42.041 --> 00:13:44.809
So there's a lot of celebrities
passing through the studio, right?
00:13:44.833 --> 00:13:46.458
Oh, yeah, tons and tons.
Like, everybody.
00:13:46.541 --> 00:13:48.875
I feel like there's nobody
who hasn't been through here.
00:13:48.958 --> 00:13:50.767
Thank you so much
for doing this pre-interview.
00:13:50.791 --> 00:13:52.767
- Yeah.
- So, I heard you have a funny story.
00:13:52.791 --> 00:13:53.791
We'd love to hear it.
00:13:53.833 --> 00:13:56.625
Oh, yeah, so, basically,
I got home late from work
00:13:56.708 --> 00:13:58.500
and I was really tired and I parked...
00:13:58.583 --> 00:14:00.183
Maybe ask her what race she is.
00:14:00.875 --> 00:14:02.916
I'm not sure how that's relevant here.
00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:05.666
Okay, is there something, like,
light you wanna talk about,
00:14:05.750 --> 00:14:06.958
that's, like, something funny?
00:14:07.041 --> 00:14:08.361
I think you kind of...
It's not...
00:14:08.416 --> 00:14:09.708
It doesn't have to be like that.
00:14:09.875 --> 00:14:12.666
Yeah, like a flippant story
about being half black, half white
00:14:12.750 --> 00:14:13.750
or something like that.
00:14:14.750 --> 00:14:15.791
Hi, I'm Zach.
00:14:15.875 --> 00:14:18.500
- Hey, Adam, from Parks and Recreation.
- Oh, God.
00:14:18.916 --> 00:14:20.125
That is refreshing to hear.
00:14:20.625 --> 00:14:24.083
I'm so used to interviewing dumb actors
with their dumb actor lifestyles and stuff
00:14:24.166 --> 00:14:25.886
so it's nice to interview
real people and...
00:14:25.916 --> 00:14:28.583
Sorry, the TV show Parks and Recreation.
00:14:30.250 --> 00:14:32.541
Okay. Let's get you miked up.
00:14:33.125 --> 00:14:34.125
Great.
00:14:34.291 --> 00:14:35.875
What temperature was it in there?
00:14:35.958 --> 00:14:38.198
- It's hard for me to concentrate...
- You like swimming?
00:14:39.208 --> 00:14:40.208
Yeah?
00:14:40.541 --> 00:14:42.375
I got a lot of bathing suits in my car.
00:14:42.458 --> 00:14:44.833
Turning down a celebrity
00:14:45.166 --> 00:14:49.000
is maybe the greatest joy
a person can have.
00:14:49.083 --> 00:14:50.083
Can I get a plum?
00:14:50.125 --> 00:14:51.958
Yes, of course. How are you?
00:14:52.041 --> 00:14:53.416
Not gonna happen, champ.
00:14:57.416 --> 00:14:58.875
Zach, he's always around,
00:14:58.958 --> 00:15:01.333
he pretends that he needs
to be here all the time.
00:15:01.541 --> 00:15:03.333
He keeps taking stuff from the shelf.
00:15:03.416 --> 00:15:04.958
I know he does.
00:15:06.000 --> 00:15:07.666
My name is Shirl Clarts,
00:15:07.750 --> 00:15:09.875
S-H-I-R-L C-L-A-R-T-S.
00:15:10.666 --> 00:15:12.976
- And what do you do here?
- I'm the station manager.
00:15:13.000 --> 00:15:14.291
I run this whole deal.
00:15:14.375 --> 00:15:16.125
You know what a lion is?
00:15:16.708 --> 00:15:18.458
A lion is a strong animal.
00:15:18.958 --> 00:15:21.166
They do what the fuck they wanna do.
00:15:21.333 --> 00:15:24.833
Take what they want, eat what they want,
they run when they feel like it.
00:15:24.916 --> 00:15:26.125
Lion.
00:15:26.416 --> 00:15:28.250
And then Bobby...
00:15:29.583 --> 00:15:31.083
is the assistant manager,
00:15:31.166 --> 00:15:32.958
and he's worked here
for a long time, too.
00:15:33.041 --> 00:15:34.041
Put me on speaker.
00:15:34.708 --> 00:15:35.791
Put me on speaker.
00:15:36.875 --> 00:15:37.875
Put me on speaker now.
00:15:38.958 --> 00:15:40.875
- Should I come back?
- Diane!
00:15:42.291 --> 00:15:43.416
Hey, Diane!
00:15:44.041 --> 00:15:45.041
Am I on speaker?
00:15:45.916 --> 00:15:47.250
- I'll come back.
- No, come in.
00:15:47.666 --> 00:15:48.666
Am I on speaker?
00:15:49.500 --> 00:15:50.500
All right, good.
00:15:50.666 --> 00:15:51.500
Love you, bye.
00:15:51.583 --> 00:15:52.416
Come in.
00:15:52.583 --> 00:15:53.583
What's up?
00:15:54.250 --> 00:15:56.833
Did you take my Hamburger Helper boxes
out of the break room?
00:15:56.916 --> 00:15:59.416
- What if I did?
- I want my Hamburger Helper boxes back!
00:15:59.500 --> 00:16:00.934
All right.
I'll just write a check for you.
00:16:00.958 --> 00:16:02.750
They're, like, $1.15 each.
00:16:02.833 --> 00:16:03.875
Well, there was two boxes.
00:16:03.958 --> 00:16:05.500
All right, so, 3.50?
00:16:09.500 --> 00:16:10.625
Hey!
00:16:11.458 --> 00:16:12.458
Where are you going?
00:16:12.500 --> 00:16:13.620
We're going home.
00:16:13.666 --> 00:16:15.583
No, you have to film at all times.
00:16:15.666 --> 00:16:18.125
If I say, "Cut,"
that means keep the camera rolling.
00:16:18.208 --> 00:16:20.041
If I say,
"Get that camera out of my face,"
00:16:20.625 --> 00:16:22.208
put that camera in my face.
00:16:22.750 --> 00:16:23.750
Okay?
00:16:23.958 --> 00:16:25.226
Let's do it again, from the top.
00:16:25.250 --> 00:16:27.142
You wanna do this conversation again
from the top?
00:16:27.166 --> 00:16:30.041
Yeah, this is my life story.
You ruined that scene of my life story.
00:16:31.041 --> 00:16:33.083
So did you, by the way.
Let's take it from the top.
00:16:36.416 --> 00:16:37.708
Where are you going?
00:16:37.791 --> 00:16:39.166
I'm going home.
00:16:39.958 --> 00:16:41.918
- That's bad acting. Bad acting.
- I don't buy it.
00:16:43.000 --> 00:16:45.250
Welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
00:16:45.333 --> 00:16:46.791
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
00:16:46.875 --> 00:16:49.125
and my guest today is...
00:16:49.791 --> 00:16:50.791
Brie Larson.
00:16:51.291 --> 00:16:52.291
Thank you, Brie.
00:16:53.208 --> 00:16:54.500
You won Best Actress.
00:16:54.583 --> 00:16:57.750
Have you ever thought of aiming higher
and trying to win Best Actor?
00:16:59.583 --> 00:17:00.583
Um...
00:17:00.875 --> 00:17:02.500
- I... Yeah...
- Good question.
00:17:02.583 --> 00:17:04.458
It is good. It's thought-provoking.
00:17:04.791 --> 00:17:07.041
Your superhero character
is called Captain Marvel.
00:17:07.125 --> 00:17:08.125
Yes.
00:17:08.500 --> 00:17:10.500
Boy, they really have stopped trying,
haven't they?
00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:13.375
I mean, why don't they call it
Captain Comic Book,
00:17:13.541 --> 00:17:15.916
or Captain We Can't Think
Of Anything Else?
00:17:16.000 --> 00:17:17.750
And what would your superhero name be?
00:17:17.833 --> 00:17:18.875
Cap'n Crunch?
00:17:20.708 --> 00:17:23.166
I read online that you're very private
and decline to answer
00:17:23.250 --> 00:17:25.041
questions that make you
feel uncomfortable.
00:17:25.125 --> 00:17:26.875
This is a two-parter.
00:17:26.958 --> 00:17:27.833
Is that true?
00:17:27.916 --> 00:17:30.208
And how old were you
when you got your first period?
00:17:31.666 --> 00:17:35.291
His show's success
is absolutely predicated on the fact
00:17:35.375 --> 00:17:37.333
that people are laughing at him,
00:17:37.583 --> 00:17:38.583
not with him.
00:17:39.583 --> 00:17:42.083
I think it's utterly fascinating
00:17:42.208 --> 00:17:44.958
that someone that grotesque
00:17:45.041 --> 00:17:47.416
can actually be watchable.
00:17:49.458 --> 00:17:50.291
Hmm.
00:17:52.583 --> 00:17:53.666
What is all this?
00:18:07.041 --> 00:18:08.041
Carol!
00:18:10.250 --> 00:18:12.170
- What's going on out here?
- Huh?
00:18:12.416 --> 00:18:13.583
What is going on?
00:18:13.708 --> 00:18:15.166
Something's going on with the pipes.
00:18:15.708 --> 00:18:17.101
Yeah, no kidding.
00:18:17.125 --> 00:18:19.083
What we have here is the perfect storm.
00:18:19.166 --> 00:18:21.333
Old pipes, water line blockage.
00:18:21.750 --> 00:18:23.125
And, for some weird reason,
00:18:23.208 --> 00:18:24.791
someone shoved
00:18:24.875 --> 00:18:28.083
a whole bunch
of shit-stained panty liners
00:18:28.291 --> 00:18:29.541
down your commodes.
00:18:29.625 --> 00:18:30.500
Come on, man!
00:18:30.583 --> 00:18:32.958
This blockage is so major,
it could blow at any time.
00:18:33.041 --> 00:18:34.875
Whoever did this is gonna pay for it.
00:18:34.958 --> 00:18:36.517
Oh, disgusting!
00:18:36.541 --> 00:18:37.375
Oh, God!
00:18:37.458 --> 00:18:40.083
Zach, it's too noisy with the plumbing
and the construction.
00:18:40.166 --> 00:18:41.559
We're not gonna be able
to interview the guest...
00:18:41.583 --> 00:18:43.916
This whole place
needs to be soundproof, okay?
00:18:44.083 --> 00:18:47.333
Every nook and cranny, Laura and Danny.
00:18:47.416 --> 00:18:50.166
I want everything peepless, okay?
00:18:50.250 --> 00:18:51.250
Just do it!
00:19:05.708 --> 00:19:07.166
I mean, I would, I just...
00:19:07.375 --> 00:19:09.333
I watch RuPaul's Drag Race
with my roommate on...
00:19:09.416 --> 00:19:11.416
- You what?
- I'm watching TV tonight, so...
00:19:11.500 --> 00:19:13.583
I would, but I can't tonight, sorry.
00:19:13.708 --> 00:19:15.000
But, thank you.
00:19:17.291 --> 00:19:19.458
- Hey, Matthew. Zach.
- McConaughey, nice to meet you.
00:19:19.541 --> 00:19:21.541
- Nice to see you.
- Thanks so much for joining us.
00:19:34.166 --> 00:19:36.184
The interview should be nice and easy.
00:19:36.208 --> 00:19:38.458
Thanks so much for...
This'll be nice and short.
00:19:39.333 --> 00:19:40.333
Are you ready to start?
00:19:40.375 --> 00:19:42.000
You have a major leak in here.
00:19:42.375 --> 00:19:44.735
- Everything all right there? Okay.
- No, everything's fine.
00:19:59.416 --> 00:20:00.916
Oh, my God.
00:20:01.000 --> 00:20:02.916
Grab your smartphones!
00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:03.875
Oh, God!
00:20:03.958 --> 00:20:05.518
Look out!
Gotta get out of here.
00:20:13.875 --> 00:20:14.875
Oh, God!
00:20:15.208 --> 00:20:16.208
Oh, my God.
00:20:16.791 --> 00:20:17.791
Oh, no.
00:20:20.583 --> 00:20:22.666
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
00:20:25.125 --> 00:20:27.166
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
00:20:43.708 --> 00:20:44.708
My ferns!
00:20:45.500 --> 00:20:46.666
What happened?
00:20:46.750 --> 00:20:47.958
My glasses!
00:20:49.166 --> 00:20:50.291
Thank God I found you!
00:21:05.041 --> 00:21:06.041
Ah!
00:21:14.291 --> 00:21:16.166
I got a call from Will Ferrell
this morning.
00:21:16.250 --> 00:21:17.375
He's very upset.
00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:20.291
And he said to stand outside
of this station
00:21:20.375 --> 00:21:22.291
and be outside at 3:00 p.m.
00:21:22.375 --> 00:21:23.375
Is it 3:00?
00:21:33.416 --> 00:21:35.616
♪ On the scene, back again
WIth the motherfucking grip ♪
00:21:35.666 --> 00:21:38.500
♪ '93 was the year
P-Dog came rippin' shit ♪
00:21:38.583 --> 00:21:40.583
♪ Bouncing out the belly of the beast ♪
00:21:40.666 --> 00:21:43.416
♪ And still the same nigga
That was hollerin' "Fuck peace!" ♪
00:21:43.541 --> 00:21:45.375
♪ But check it out
It's the same old thing ♪
00:21:45.458 --> 00:21:48.458
♪ Cause now the year's '94
And ain't a damn thing changed ♪
00:21:48.541 --> 00:21:50.375
♪ Niggas still droppin' dead like flies ♪
00:21:50.500 --> 00:21:52.708
♪ And I'm still lookin' for a way
To make us rise ♪
00:21:52.833 --> 00:21:54.958
♪ I emphasize that
I still hate a devil ♪
00:21:55.916 --> 00:21:56.750
You.
00:21:56.833 --> 00:21:57.833
Me.
00:21:58.458 --> 00:21:59.458
Inside.
00:22:03.458 --> 00:22:05.458
Hey, look at this, okay?
00:22:05.916 --> 00:22:07.333
These are my clicks.
00:22:07.416 --> 00:22:09.791
My website runs on clicks.
00:22:09.875 --> 00:22:11.083
Can you see that?
00:22:11.166 --> 00:22:12.375
It's a lot of clicks, Will.
00:22:12.458 --> 00:22:15.083
Or is the fat
drooping off your eyebrows
00:22:15.250 --> 00:22:16.708
impairing your vision?
00:22:18.125 --> 00:22:20.416
Besides, you killed Matthew McConaughey.
00:22:21.291 --> 00:22:22.291
He's dead?
00:22:22.541 --> 00:22:25.958
Well, they administered CPR to him,
and he...
00:22:26.583 --> 00:22:27.958
he's brought back to life.
00:22:28.041 --> 00:22:31.166
But... but yeah, he was,
he was momentarily dead.
00:22:31.416 --> 00:22:32.833
You are a murderer.
00:22:32.916 --> 00:22:34.500
It was a temporary murder, if it was...
00:22:34.583 --> 00:22:35.833
It was not a murder!
00:22:35.916 --> 00:22:37.625
Fine. I'll keep your secret.
00:22:37.875 --> 00:22:39.291
Okay? But you owe me.
00:22:40.083 --> 00:22:41.083
Owe you what?
00:22:41.291 --> 00:22:44.000
Ten episodes
of Between Two Ferns, all right?
00:22:44.333 --> 00:22:45.893
And I need them three weeks from today.
00:22:46.958 --> 00:22:49.375
No. Hold on,
let's make this interesting.
00:22:50.708 --> 00:22:52.166
How about two weeks from today?
00:22:53.125 --> 00:22:53.958
9:00 a.m.
00:22:54.041 --> 00:22:55.958
How? I can't film here anymore.
00:22:56.041 --> 00:22:58.291
You're just going to have to go
to the celebrities,
00:22:58.666 --> 00:23:00.125
wherever you can find them
00:23:00.333 --> 00:23:01.500
across the country.
00:23:01.583 --> 00:23:03.583
But what do I get in return, Mr. Ferrell?
00:23:03.666 --> 00:23:05.333
You'll be showered in...
00:23:05.958 --> 00:23:08.791
gold, and spices, and rare gems,
00:23:09.208 --> 00:23:10.666
rubies and emeralds.
00:23:10.750 --> 00:23:12.291
But I don't want that stuff.
00:23:12.583 --> 00:23:15.625
If money is not
the treasure that you desire,
00:23:15.708 --> 00:23:17.250
then say it.
00:23:20.458 --> 00:23:21.958
What doth...
00:23:22.875 --> 00:23:23.875
thy...
00:23:24.875 --> 00:23:25.875
envision?
00:23:26.958 --> 00:23:28.375
I want my own network talk show.
00:23:29.041 --> 00:23:30.125
Five nights a week.
00:23:30.208 --> 00:23:32.333
With an "Applause" sign and an audience.
00:23:33.583 --> 00:23:35.791
I want people to laugh with me,
00:23:35.958 --> 00:23:36.958
not at me.
00:23:38.416 --> 00:23:39.708
Fulfill the contract,
00:23:41.416 --> 00:23:42.416
you got a deal.
00:23:42.666 --> 00:23:45.375
Ten of your dumb internet talk show
00:23:45.833 --> 00:23:48.583
and you give me
a lifetime network talk show
00:23:48.666 --> 00:23:49.750
Lifetime?
00:23:49.833 --> 00:23:52.708
I'm a white man and I'm straight,
I deserve it.
00:23:53.916 --> 00:23:57.000
Fine. Your own talk show
on the Lifetime network.
00:23:58.208 --> 00:23:59.208
I'd take it.
00:23:59.958 --> 00:24:01.000
I'd just take it now.
00:24:01.833 --> 00:24:03.000
- Done.
- Done.
00:24:09.791 --> 00:24:10.791
I don't...
00:24:11.291 --> 00:24:12.125
Please bow.
00:24:12.208 --> 00:24:13.208
Are you...
00:24:15.250 --> 00:24:16.083
I christen thee...
00:24:16.166 --> 00:24:17.526
This is not a thing you do.
00:24:18.375 --> 00:24:20.583
...worthy of the mantle
that is FOD.
00:24:20.791 --> 00:24:23.916
Go on, young, pudgy Zach Galifianakis.
00:24:24.500 --> 00:24:27.166
Ride your imaginary steed
00:24:27.916 --> 00:24:30.000
through the hills and valleys
00:24:31.125 --> 00:24:32.291
of this country
00:24:32.750 --> 00:24:33.791
that we know
00:24:34.125 --> 00:24:35.958
as America.
00:24:58.666 --> 00:24:59.708
Let's go!
00:25:00.250 --> 00:25:01.750
Not in the front! Go around.
00:25:02.666 --> 00:25:04.625
Hey, watch it!
00:25:07.083 --> 00:25:10.500
Okay, guys,
Mr. Will Ferrell has promised
00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:13.000
all of us
00:25:13.666 --> 00:25:14.666
a new...
00:25:14.916 --> 00:25:17.625
night-time network talk show.
00:25:17.791 --> 00:25:20.083
Whoa, he wants us all to work on it?
00:25:20.166 --> 00:25:21.250
Will Ferrell said this?
00:25:21.333 --> 00:25:23.041
Yep, he asked for you all by name,
00:25:23.125 --> 00:25:25.291
and he decided to pay for our entire trip.
00:25:25.375 --> 00:25:27.958
So, let's go out
and film some celebrities!
00:25:28.041 --> 00:25:28.958
Who?
00:25:29.041 --> 00:25:30.333
I'm not quite sure yet.
00:25:30.750 --> 00:25:32.916
- Carol's looking into that and as soon...
- I am?
00:25:33.000 --> 00:25:34.760
She didn't even know
what we were doing here,
00:25:34.791 --> 00:25:36.071
she's not looking into anything!
00:25:36.125 --> 00:25:37.041
I'll start now.
00:25:37.125 --> 00:25:38.916
She's fully aware of what's going on, Cam.
00:25:39.000 --> 00:25:41.142
It's actually better that you don't know
what's going on.
00:25:41.166 --> 00:25:44.625
Just point your camera
and shut the fuck up.
00:25:45.416 --> 00:25:47.791
That's a nice thing to hear
as you're getting kidnapped.
00:25:49.125 --> 00:25:50.583
And how long is this trip?
00:25:51.083 --> 00:25:53.500
The trip should take us just two...
00:25:53.750 --> 00:25:54.583
just two weeks.
00:25:54.666 --> 00:25:55.851
- Two weeks?
- Wait, two weeks?
00:25:55.875 --> 00:25:59.333
To get to the big time,
you gotta be a chance-taker.
00:25:59.416 --> 00:26:00.708
And I am a chance-taker.
00:26:00.791 --> 00:26:03.041
We're taking Between Two Ferns
on the road!
00:26:03.458 --> 00:26:05.583
Oh! Hey, Zach?
00:26:06.083 --> 00:26:07.416
Think I found someone.
00:26:08.625 --> 00:26:10.145
- Oh, good!
- They're three hours away.
00:26:10.583 --> 00:26:11.833
- No kidding?
- Yep.
00:26:11.916 --> 00:26:12.916
Who is it?
00:26:21.625 --> 00:26:24.125
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
00:26:24.208 --> 00:26:25.791
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
00:26:26.583 --> 00:26:29.375
My guess today is
Santa Claus with an eating disorder.
00:26:30.791 --> 00:26:31.625
You look good.
00:26:31.708 --> 00:26:32.791
Thanks, so do you.
00:26:32.916 --> 00:26:34.833
Did you just wake up from a 15-year nap?
00:26:36.333 --> 00:26:38.250
You look like Steve Jobs now.
00:26:39.333 --> 00:26:40.333
Okay.
00:26:40.791 --> 00:26:43.625
Your Netflix show is called
My Next Guest Needs No Introduction.
00:26:43.875 --> 00:26:47.125
Wouldn't a better title be
My Next Show Will Have No Viewers?
00:26:48.416 --> 00:26:50.625
Yeah, that... we considered that.
00:26:50.708 --> 00:26:52.041
And that didn't test well?
00:26:52.500 --> 00:26:53.916
Oh, I think it tested very well,
00:26:54.000 --> 00:26:55.666
but it hurt my feelings.
00:26:56.041 --> 00:26:57.833
Tell me about your long beard.
00:26:57.916 --> 00:26:59.666
Is that a Stupid Human Trick?
00:26:59.750 --> 00:27:02.208
Is it Between Two Ferns
or Between the Ferns?
00:27:02.291 --> 00:27:03.500
Between Two Ferns.
00:27:03.583 --> 00:27:05.083
Yeah, but that's apparent.
00:27:05.166 --> 00:27:06.250
Your show was on late.
00:27:06.333 --> 00:27:08.833
Everybody knew it was late.
It was dark outside.
00:27:08.916 --> 00:27:10.226
Why did they call it the Late Show
00:27:10.250 --> 00:27:11.559
- or whatever they call it?
- Mmm.
00:27:11.583 --> 00:27:13.503
If you're going to get nitpicky
with titles of...
00:27:13.541 --> 00:27:14.541
I'm just saying,
00:27:14.791 --> 00:27:16.000
Between the Ferns, yes.
00:27:16.083 --> 00:27:17.875
Between Two Ferns, oh!
00:27:18.000 --> 00:27:19.791
One day you might go crazy
and add a third.
00:27:19.875 --> 00:27:21.208
Then what are you going to do?
00:27:22.666 --> 00:27:24.186
- I haven't thought about that.
- Yeah.
00:27:24.625 --> 00:27:26.000
Plenty you haven't thought about.
00:27:27.208 --> 00:27:28.375
Your son's name is Harry.
00:27:28.458 --> 00:27:30.041
Did you name him after your face?
00:27:30.833 --> 00:27:33.250
Named him after my late father.
00:27:34.625 --> 00:27:35.750
How do you feel now?
00:27:35.916 --> 00:27:38.309
Well, I didn't know it was gonna go
into a bummer story like that.
00:27:38.333 --> 00:27:39.166
No, I know.
00:27:39.250 --> 00:27:42.791
But you don't have the capacity
for any sort of empathy or embarrassment.
00:27:43.250 --> 00:27:45.541
Can you take some constructive criticism?
00:27:47.083 --> 00:27:47.916
Yeah.
00:27:48.000 --> 00:27:49.458
People find you unpleasant.
00:27:50.166 --> 00:27:51.250
Mm. Thank you.
00:27:53.333 --> 00:27:55.166
You love fast cars.
00:27:55.541 --> 00:27:57.500
In what other ways is your penis small?
00:27:57.583 --> 00:27:59.791
Can I just say something about this?
00:28:00.208 --> 00:28:02.916
Not once has anyone discussed with me
00:28:03.250 --> 00:28:05.875
my penis, my size of my penis,
00:28:06.000 --> 00:28:07.541
my use of my penis,
00:28:07.916 --> 00:28:08.958
or my testicles.
00:28:09.041 --> 00:28:12.000
So, I'm just curious
about the pathology behind this.
00:28:12.083 --> 00:28:13.101
Jesus Christ.
00:28:13.125 --> 00:28:14.125
What?
00:28:15.583 --> 00:28:16.583
What'd you say?
00:28:16.750 --> 00:28:18.083
I said, "Jesus Christ."
00:28:18.166 --> 00:28:20.791
Stop talk...
Do not editorialize right now, please.
00:28:20.875 --> 00:28:24.208
It's hard not to let it out
when it's such a stupid thing you said.
00:28:26.583 --> 00:28:28.934
It was a lot of fun, really.
Seriously. Thank you very much.
00:28:28.958 --> 00:28:30.601
- Thank you.
- I know you gotta run, so, thanks.
00:28:30.625 --> 00:28:32.500
Yeah, thank you.
I just wanted to say that...
00:28:33.666 --> 00:28:36.000
you know, this has been
a real inspiration to me...
00:28:36.083 --> 00:28:38.583
- ...'cause I want my own talk show.
- Good. Good. Great.
00:28:38.666 --> 00:28:41.767
Nightly talk show, 'cause I think that'll
make me happy, like it made you happy.
00:28:43.666 --> 00:28:44.791
Yeah, I'm sure it will.
00:28:46.125 --> 00:28:47.208
Good luck on that.
00:28:48.041 --> 00:28:49.291
- Okay.
- Make you happy!
00:28:49.375 --> 00:28:51.291
- Right?
- Yeah!
00:28:51.708 --> 00:28:52.750
- Yeah.
- Okay.
00:28:52.833 --> 00:28:53.666
All right.
00:28:53.791 --> 00:28:55.934
- Thank you very much for your time.
- Which way do I go?
00:28:55.958 --> 00:28:57.333
Right up there, where the guy is.
00:28:58.500 --> 00:28:59.500
- Okay. Thank you.
- Yeah.
00:28:59.750 --> 00:29:00.791
Okay. Bye-bye.
00:29:01.333 --> 00:29:02.541
Try to stay off the grass.
00:29:03.833 --> 00:29:05.892
- We're... in the grass.
- Thank you. All right, bye-bye.
00:29:05.916 --> 00:29:07.583
Bye-bye. Take care.
00:29:09.125 --> 00:29:10.125
Whoa.
00:29:11.291 --> 00:29:12.833
- Hello.
- What?
00:29:14.416 --> 00:29:15.416
What?
00:29:15.500 --> 00:29:17.458
Okay, what's going on?
00:29:17.708 --> 00:29:20.833
Are you gonna, like, make us all
smoosh in one shitty little room?
00:29:20.916 --> 00:29:22.356
No, Cam, no one would room with you.
00:29:22.416 --> 00:29:23.416
Good afternoon.
00:29:23.708 --> 00:29:25.500
Four rooms, please.
00:29:26.750 --> 00:29:28.101
- Four rooms?
- Four separate rooms.
00:29:28.125 --> 00:29:29.041
One...
00:29:29.125 --> 00:29:30.925
- We each getting our own room?
- Two...
00:29:31.250 --> 00:29:32.125
three, and four.
00:29:32.208 --> 00:29:33.833
- We each get our own room!
- Nice!
00:29:33.916 --> 00:29:34.750
That's nice.
00:29:35.750 --> 00:29:36.791
- Goodnight.
- Night.
00:29:42.666 --> 00:29:43.666
God...
00:29:44.250 --> 00:29:45.250
Carol!
00:29:47.208 --> 00:29:49.392
Thanks so much for doing the show.
What are you doing in town?
00:29:49.416 --> 00:29:51.500
Oh, I'm here working, uh,
00:29:52.041 --> 00:29:53.250
on my foundation.
00:29:53.333 --> 00:29:56.125
- What is it?
- Bones For Kids.
00:29:56.208 --> 00:29:58.500
It's for kids that are born
without bones.
00:29:58.583 --> 00:30:00.166
- God, that's terrible.
- I know.
00:30:00.625 --> 00:30:01.625
How can I help?
00:30:01.708 --> 00:30:04.541
You probably could stand
to donate some arm bones.
00:30:04.625 --> 00:30:06.025
You don't need all those arm bones.
00:30:06.500 --> 00:30:08.000
This one you can keep.
00:30:08.083 --> 00:30:09.541
This one you can keep.
00:30:09.625 --> 00:30:10.875
But, for some child,
00:30:11.166 --> 00:30:12.250
that's a shin.
00:30:12.625 --> 00:30:13.625
Hmm.
00:30:15.166 --> 00:30:16.750
It seems like a bogus, like...
00:30:18.000 --> 00:30:20.208
it's like a bogus charity thing,
00:30:20.291 --> 00:30:21.708
kids without boners... Bones!
00:30:21.833 --> 00:30:23.125
Without bones or something.
00:30:24.875 --> 00:30:26.555
Why were you putting a paper up to your...
00:30:26.791 --> 00:30:28.458
- I could totally hear you.
- Quiet.
00:30:28.750 --> 00:30:31.875
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
00:30:32.208 --> 00:30:33.375
My guest today
00:30:33.958 --> 00:30:34.958
is Paul Rudd.
00:30:35.041 --> 00:30:36.500
- Thank you, Paul.
- Thank you.
00:30:37.541 --> 00:30:38.791
Some people have it all.
00:30:39.000 --> 00:30:40.625
Looks, talent.
00:30:41.708 --> 00:30:43.250
How does it feel to only have looks?
00:30:44.583 --> 00:30:45.583
Great.
00:30:45.625 --> 00:30:47.291
If you didn't look the way you do,
00:30:47.375 --> 00:30:49.559
instead of acting,
what do you think you would be doing?
00:30:49.583 --> 00:30:50.583
Shoveling shit?
00:30:52.083 --> 00:30:53.403
I read that you might quit acting
00:30:53.458 --> 00:30:54.541
and just disappear?
00:30:55.708 --> 00:30:56.791
Where did you read that?
00:30:57.666 --> 00:30:59.166
Right here. I wrote it down.
00:31:00.666 --> 00:31:01.541
Which do you prefer,
00:31:01.625 --> 00:31:02.541
being in Marvel movies,
00:31:02.625 --> 00:31:04.916
or being in stuff
that nobody has ever heard of?
00:31:06.458 --> 00:31:07.791
Uh, being in Marvel movies.
00:31:07.875 --> 00:31:09.458
Do you go to your acting coach and go,
00:31:09.541 --> 00:31:12.125
"I've gotta play a goddamn ant,
what am I supposed to do?"
00:31:12.208 --> 00:31:13.708
You lost me at "acting coach."
00:31:14.166 --> 00:31:15.625
Yeah, that seems about right.
00:31:16.541 --> 00:31:18.333
What advice would you give
to a young actor
00:31:18.416 --> 00:31:20.791
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
00:31:20.875 --> 00:31:23.083
But I've never really tried
to hide my Jewishness.
00:31:23.166 --> 00:31:26.083
"I've really never tried
to hide my Jewishness."
00:31:26.666 --> 00:31:27.583
Yeah.
00:31:27.666 --> 00:31:29.958
Jesus was Jewish and he didn't hide it.
00:31:30.375 --> 00:31:33.291
No, he put it out there
for everybody to see.
00:31:33.375 --> 00:31:35.208
He's one of our best.
00:31:35.291 --> 00:31:37.083
- Are you practicing?
- No.
00:31:37.500 --> 00:31:38.833
I'm not a practicing Jew.
00:31:40.416 --> 00:31:41.500
I perfected it.
00:31:49.708 --> 00:31:50.833
- Zach?
- Yeah?
00:31:51.708 --> 00:31:52.875
Some bad news.
00:31:54.000 --> 00:31:55.708
Jake Gyllenhaal had to cancel.
00:31:55.791 --> 00:31:56.791
Why?
00:31:56.833 --> 00:31:58.750
He spelled his name wrong
on his plane ticket.
00:31:59.208 --> 00:32:00.208
What?
00:32:00.541 --> 00:32:01.666
It's too many As.
00:32:05.500 --> 00:32:07.708
- I don't know what to do.
- Ah! Oh, my God! Zach!
00:32:07.833 --> 00:32:09.750
Look over there! That's Chrissy Teigen!
00:32:10.166 --> 00:32:11.416
She's a supermodel.
00:32:11.500 --> 00:32:12.500
How super?
00:32:12.750 --> 00:32:14.208
She's married to John Legend.
00:32:19.916 --> 00:32:21.333
Go talk to her. You have to.
00:32:21.416 --> 00:32:22.416
- I can't.
- Get up!
00:32:23.875 --> 00:32:24.958
Go! Go!
00:32:25.625 --> 00:32:26.625
Okay.
00:32:30.750 --> 00:32:31.750
- Hi.
- Hi.
00:32:32.791 --> 00:32:34.541
Another Brandy Alexander, please.
00:32:38.125 --> 00:32:40.250
- Hello.
- Oh, my God, I know you!
00:32:40.333 --> 00:32:41.583
- You do?
- Oh, my God.
00:32:41.666 --> 00:32:43.375
You are the Between Two Ferns guy.
00:32:43.458 --> 00:32:44.916
I love your show.
00:32:45.000 --> 00:32:46.000
You've seen my show?
00:32:46.291 --> 00:32:48.411
Yes, I've seen it, everybody's seen it.
It's so funny.
00:32:48.833 --> 00:32:50.333
You are so...
00:32:50.750 --> 00:32:51.750
uncomfortable,
00:32:51.791 --> 00:32:53.583
and weird, and awkward,
00:32:53.666 --> 00:32:55.958
and all your guests,
like, you can tell they hate it,
00:32:56.041 --> 00:32:57.121
- but they're there!
- Yeah.
00:32:57.500 --> 00:33:00.000
- I love it.
- Not really what I'm going for, but...
00:33:00.458 --> 00:33:02.250
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
00:33:03.000 --> 00:33:05.375
Can I ask you a question?
00:33:05.458 --> 00:33:06.291
Shoot.
00:33:06.375 --> 00:33:07.875
How did you get started?
00:33:08.583 --> 00:33:10.666
How did you become...
00:33:10.750 --> 00:33:12.125
Everyone always asks me that,
00:33:12.250 --> 00:33:13.875
and it's actually a really funny story.
00:33:13.958 --> 00:33:15.625
So, it's 2003,
00:33:15.708 --> 00:33:18.416
this guy shows up at my door
with this box,
00:33:18.500 --> 00:33:21.375
and there's this button inside,
and he says, "If you push this button,
00:33:21.708 --> 00:33:23.791
- your greatest dream will come true...
- Hmm.
00:33:23.875 --> 00:33:26.333
...but somebody, somewhere, will die."
00:33:27.041 --> 00:33:28.625
And so, I pushed it,
00:33:28.833 --> 00:33:30.041
Mister Rogers died...
00:33:30.125 --> 00:33:31.500
- What?
- ...and here I am.
00:33:32.708 --> 00:33:34.601
Wait, because you pushed the button,
you think that's...
00:33:34.625 --> 00:33:36.375
I mean, he had a good life, so...
00:33:39.166 --> 00:33:41.375
- I had a guest that dropped out...
- Mm-hmm.
00:33:41.833 --> 00:33:43.416
...just last-minute for my talk show.
00:33:43.500 --> 00:33:46.416
Is there anyway I can interview you?
00:33:48.000 --> 00:33:49.875
I actually have a better idea.
00:33:54.583 --> 00:33:55.875
You're touching my hand.
00:33:56.541 --> 00:33:57.375
Listen...
00:33:57.458 --> 00:34:00.083
what if we take this upstairs?
00:34:01.416 --> 00:34:03.083
What about John Legend?
00:34:03.166 --> 00:34:06.666
He's fine, he's probably
at home polishing his EGOT.
00:34:07.500 --> 00:34:09.166
Is that what he calls his penis?
00:34:20.166 --> 00:34:21.166
Come on.
00:34:33.958 --> 00:34:35.250
That was at my hotel room.
00:34:35.333 --> 00:34:36.500
How did you get that footage?
00:34:36.583 --> 00:34:37.875
There are cameras everywhere.
00:34:37.958 --> 00:34:39.500
You told me to never stop filming.
00:34:39.875 --> 00:34:42.958
This whole trip, you've been filming me
in every hotel room that I've been in?
00:34:43.416 --> 00:34:44.416
Yes.
00:34:47.000 --> 00:34:48.541
Right. This is not in the documentary.
00:34:48.958 --> 00:34:49.958
Right?
00:34:51.166 --> 00:34:52.166
At all.
00:34:53.166 --> 00:34:54.208
Destroy it.
00:34:55.125 --> 00:34:56.125
Now.
00:34:56.375 --> 00:34:58.416
But before you do,
will you email me that?
00:35:04.333 --> 00:35:06.833
Hey, guys, welcome
to The Bear Pit. We cook with wood.
00:35:06.958 --> 00:35:09.166
Can I get you some honey gushers to start?
00:35:09.458 --> 00:35:10.458
What are honey gushers?
00:35:10.500 --> 00:35:11.500
It's just lemonade.
00:35:11.958 --> 00:35:13.041
Wow, you really sell it.
00:35:13.500 --> 00:35:15.166
Just telling it like it is.
00:35:15.250 --> 00:35:16.916
I'll take the fried chicken plate.
00:35:17.000 --> 00:35:18.458
I'll get pork ribs.
00:35:18.541 --> 00:35:20.309
- I want the special. I want...
- Special.
00:35:20.333 --> 00:35:22.041
- Do you have sushi?
- I could...
00:35:22.125 --> 00:35:24.916
put some fish sticks
on a rice pilaf, I guess?
00:35:25.000 --> 00:35:26.958
That's fine. Side of gravy.
00:35:27.041 --> 00:35:28.684
Good enough.
I'll be right back with that, guys.
00:35:28.708 --> 00:35:30.601
- Thank you so much for your patience.
- And your name is?
00:35:30.625 --> 00:35:32.142
- My name is Mike.
- Thanks, Mike.
00:35:32.166 --> 00:35:34.086
- Thanks, Mike.
- You can call me Michael.
00:35:34.416 --> 00:35:35.416
Thanks, Mike.
00:35:35.583 --> 00:35:37.166
That's great, actually. Wow.
00:35:37.625 --> 00:35:39.625
- We're gonna go to the bathroom.
- Does he really?
00:35:39.833 --> 00:35:40.875
Okay!
00:35:40.958 --> 00:35:41.958
Thank you so much.
00:35:43.125 --> 00:35:44.000
We got a celebrity!
00:35:44.083 --> 00:35:45.083
Oh, good!
00:35:45.583 --> 00:35:46.583
John Legend!
00:35:47.708 --> 00:35:49.083
Oh, I'm so excited!
00:35:49.375 --> 00:35:50.375
The...
00:35:50.625 --> 00:35:52.541
Yes, the piano man, yeah!
00:35:52.625 --> 00:35:54.726
He just called his manager out of the blue
this morning and was like,
00:35:54.750 --> 00:35:57.500
"I wanna be on that show,"
and he's on a plane right now flying here.
00:35:57.916 --> 00:35:58.916
- Right now?
- Yes.
00:35:59.083 --> 00:36:00.083
- Here?
- He's rushed.
00:36:00.375 --> 00:36:03.875
Honestly, I've never heard someone
sound so excited to do our show.
00:36:05.875 --> 00:36:08.875
Okay. Yeah, so...
when is he coming?
00:36:08.958 --> 00:36:10.809
- He's gonna be here in a second.
- Where is he? Where is he though?
00:36:10.833 --> 00:36:12.708
His team said he was minutes away.
00:36:12.833 --> 00:36:14.267
There's a chance
I might leave during the interview.
00:36:14.291 --> 00:36:15.625
- Zach!
- What?
00:36:16.875 --> 00:36:17.875
Hi.
00:36:21.458 --> 00:36:22.666
How are you, buddy?
00:36:22.916 --> 00:36:24.541
So good to see you, man.
00:36:24.833 --> 00:36:26.333
I'm so excited to be here.
00:36:26.625 --> 00:36:27.625
Oh, good.
00:36:28.166 --> 00:36:29.875
- Yeah, have... have a seat.
- Yeah.
00:36:30.125 --> 00:36:31.000
- Okay.
- Okay.
00:36:31.083 --> 00:36:31.916
Okay.
00:36:32.000 --> 00:36:35.250
Oh! I've been wanting
to be on your show for so long.
00:36:35.333 --> 00:36:36.973
I've been talking to my manager about it.
00:36:37.041 --> 00:36:39.059
- I'm so excited to be here.
- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:36:39.083 --> 00:36:40.375
Is everything okay, Zach?
00:36:40.541 --> 00:36:41.934
Yeah, everything's... everything's fine,
00:36:41.958 --> 00:36:45.291
I just get the pre-jo shitters sometime...
Uh, pre-show jitters sometimes.
00:36:45.708 --> 00:36:46.708
Okay.
00:36:47.833 --> 00:36:52.125
Hi, uh, welcome to another, uh,
edition of Between Two Ferns.
00:36:52.208 --> 00:36:53.833
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
00:36:53.916 --> 00:36:55.041
and my guest today
00:36:55.500 --> 00:36:56.500
is John Legend.
00:36:56.583 --> 00:36:58.208
- Hey, Zach!
- Hey, John.
00:36:58.708 --> 00:37:00.458
Can I get an autograph for my mom?
00:37:00.541 --> 00:37:01.666
Sure, no problem.
00:37:01.750 --> 00:37:04.041
- Because she wants to give it to her mom.
- Okay.
00:37:04.791 --> 00:37:06.041
Grandmas are great, too.
00:37:08.416 --> 00:37:09.500
Are you okay with all this?
00:37:09.583 --> 00:37:10.833
I'm so okay with it.
00:37:11.458 --> 00:37:12.750
I'm having such a great time!
00:37:12.833 --> 00:37:13.833
Are you having fun?
00:37:16.791 --> 00:37:18.666
We have something in common, uh...
00:37:18.750 --> 00:37:21.166
which is we both
love to tickle the ivories.
00:37:21.250 --> 00:37:23.351
You play the piano
and I love to make white people laugh.
00:37:24.916 --> 00:37:25.791
You're great!
00:37:27.250 --> 00:37:28.333
This is good stuff.
00:37:29.583 --> 00:37:31.083
You have many titles, uh...
00:37:31.166 --> 00:37:32.416
musician, actor,
00:37:32.625 --> 00:37:34.208
producer, philanthropist.
00:37:34.833 --> 00:37:35.750
But at the end of the day,
00:37:35.833 --> 00:37:38.193
aren't you just a millionaire
who's married to a supermodel?
00:37:42.416 --> 00:37:45.375
I, uh, am married to a supermodel, yes.
00:37:46.041 --> 00:37:47.041
I'll look her up.
00:37:47.333 --> 00:37:48.333
He met her.
00:37:48.416 --> 00:37:49.333
- You met her?
- I did?
00:37:49.416 --> 00:37:50.416
Yeah.
00:37:50.708 --> 00:37:51.958
- When?
- Yes, of course.
00:37:52.541 --> 00:37:53.541
In the bar.
00:37:53.583 --> 00:37:55.291
You met my wife in a bar?
00:37:55.791 --> 00:37:57.434
I meet a lot of people.
I meet a lot of people.
00:37:57.458 --> 00:37:58.833
It was last night.
00:37:59.166 --> 00:38:00.833
You met my wife last night?
00:38:01.083 --> 00:38:03.017
- What does she look like?
- She's gorgeous.
00:38:03.041 --> 00:38:05.666
I told you, "Go over and talk to her,
we can get an interview."
00:38:07.291 --> 00:38:08.125
I don't remember her.
00:38:08.208 --> 00:38:09.928
Why are you
staring at me like this?
00:38:10.083 --> 00:38:10.916
What?
00:38:11.000 --> 00:38:13.142
I feel you're trying to communicate
something that I don't get.
00:38:13.166 --> 00:38:14.375
Shut the fuck up.
00:38:18.458 --> 00:38:19.458
Carol.
00:38:20.000 --> 00:38:21.000
Zach!
00:38:21.916 --> 00:38:23.000
That was fun, man.
00:38:23.416 --> 00:38:24.416
Yeah.
00:38:24.625 --> 00:38:25.625
Don't leave yet.
00:38:26.458 --> 00:38:27.541
Give me a hug, brother.
00:38:27.916 --> 00:38:28.916
Okay.
00:38:31.458 --> 00:38:33.166
I know what you did.
00:38:35.958 --> 00:38:37.333
Ah!
00:38:41.750 --> 00:38:44.000
God! God!
00:38:45.375 --> 00:38:46.875
Yeah. I'll be out in a second.
00:38:47.041 --> 00:38:48.267
Just meet me at the back entrance.
00:38:49.791 --> 00:38:50.791
Zach?
00:38:51.083 --> 00:38:51.916
What just happened?
00:38:52.000 --> 00:38:53.750
He sprayed mace on my penis!
00:38:53.833 --> 00:38:54.666
What did you do?
00:38:54.750 --> 00:38:58.416
He's probably retaliating
'cause I had intercourse with his wife!
00:38:58.750 --> 00:38:59.750
What?
00:38:59.875 --> 00:39:03.750
I had sex with Chrissy Teigen.
00:39:03.833 --> 00:39:04.958
No, you didn't.
00:39:05.250 --> 00:39:07.916
Why else would he come
and spray me where it happened?
00:39:08.250 --> 00:39:09.250
Ew.
00:39:09.500 --> 00:39:10.958
It'll go away in, like, a half-hour.
00:39:11.041 --> 00:39:13.250
I've been sprayed before. It's not bad.
00:39:16.083 --> 00:39:17.291
Oh, God!
00:39:24.083 --> 00:39:25.791
Excuse me, Mr. Hamm?
00:39:25.875 --> 00:39:27.375
- Hi!
- Hi, my name is Zach,
00:39:27.458 --> 00:39:28.791
I have a public access talk show,
00:39:28.875 --> 00:39:31.156
and I was wondering
if you would like to be a guest on it?
00:39:33.583 --> 00:39:34.625
Absolutely.
00:39:34.708 --> 00:39:36.500
Guys, we're gonna need
to take a quick break.
00:39:36.583 --> 00:39:39.083
My friend Jack just asked me
to be on his TV show,
00:39:39.166 --> 00:39:40.833
and I don't say no to anything, so...
00:39:40.916 --> 00:39:43.833
Thank you so much. Yeah.
00:39:44.208 --> 00:39:47.333
The Me Too movement has been
an important learning process for men.
00:39:47.666 --> 00:39:49.306
Do you feel like
you've missed out on that
00:39:49.375 --> 00:39:52.175
because every woman you've ever met
just wants to fuck your brains out?
00:39:53.291 --> 00:39:56.875
Bradley Cooper co-wrote, produced,
directed, and starred in A Star is Born.
00:39:56.958 --> 00:39:57.875
I hear it's great.
00:39:57.958 --> 00:40:00.791
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
00:40:01.916 --> 00:40:03.458
Uh, you know...
00:40:03.541 --> 00:40:06.208
At what point during the making of Tag
did you guys realize
00:40:06.291 --> 00:40:10.208
that you were making one of the most
iconic pieces of mediocrity ever produced?
00:40:14.333 --> 00:40:15.541
I get it!
00:40:17.166 --> 00:40:19.708
My guest today is Hailee Steinfeld.
00:40:19.791 --> 00:40:20.791
All right.
00:40:20.958 --> 00:40:23.125
- Nice to have you here, Sta... Stailee...
- Thank...
00:40:23.208 --> 00:40:25.125
To have... Nice to hear... Have...
00:40:25.458 --> 00:40:26.958
Nice to have you here, Stailee.
00:40:27.500 --> 00:40:29.208
You were in Pitch Perfect 2 and 3.
00:40:29.333 --> 00:40:31.133
Do you ever wish
you had been in the good one?
00:40:32.958 --> 00:40:34.958
You have 12 million Instagram followers.
00:40:35.541 --> 00:40:38.500
How long did it take you to apologize
to each one of them for Bumblebee?
00:40:39.541 --> 00:40:40.916
I walked out of that movie.
00:40:41.500 --> 00:40:43.420
I'm just kidding,
I didn't walk out of the movie.
00:40:43.958 --> 00:40:46.500
I skipped out
'cause I was so happy to be leaving.
00:40:46.583 --> 00:40:47.583
Wow.
00:40:48.375 --> 00:40:50.000
You dated a guy from One Direction.
00:40:50.250 --> 00:40:53.083
Which one direction
was his penis pointing, north or south?
00:40:55.583 --> 00:40:56.583
Are we done?
00:40:58.791 --> 00:41:00.208
Hey, Zach, could I get this?
00:41:00.291 --> 00:41:02.771
Absolutely. Matter of fact,
if you guys want some trinkets too,
00:41:02.833 --> 00:41:04.125
it's on me. My treat.
00:41:11.750 --> 00:41:13.291
My guest today is...
00:41:13.375 --> 00:41:14.375
Aquafina.
00:41:14.583 --> 00:41:15.583
Awkwafina.
00:41:15.666 --> 00:41:16.750
Like the water?
00:41:16.833 --> 00:41:18.875
Well, it's spelled differently, so...
00:41:18.958 --> 00:41:21.083
You've been raping since the age of 13...
00:41:21.166 --> 00:41:22.166
Rapping.
00:41:22.458 --> 00:41:24.041
- Rapping.
- That makes more sense.
00:41:25.083 --> 00:41:27.333
You starred in, um, Ocean's 8.
00:41:27.416 --> 00:41:28.333
It's a great movie.
00:41:28.416 --> 00:41:31.083
I'd love to see an all-male
reboot of Ocean's 8.
00:41:31.750 --> 00:41:32.875
- That would be nice.
- Yeah.
00:41:32.958 --> 00:41:34.708
There... It exists already.
00:41:34.875 --> 00:41:35.875
Couple of them.
00:41:35.916 --> 00:41:38.666
Couple of what?
Male versions of the female Ocean's 8?
00:41:38.750 --> 00:41:40.208
Ocean's 8 was a reboot of a male...
00:41:40.291 --> 00:41:42.059
Next thing you're gonna tell me
there's a male Ghostbusters.
00:41:42.083 --> 00:41:43.083
There is.
00:41:44.250 --> 00:41:45.958
- It's with, um...
- Leslie Jones.
00:41:46.041 --> 00:41:47.041
No.
00:41:50.916 --> 00:41:53.250
You got famous for peeing from a zip line.
00:41:53.333 --> 00:41:54.458
What's your next project?
00:41:54.541 --> 00:41:55.916
Queefing on a ski lift?
00:41:56.333 --> 00:41:58.125
No, I already queefed on a podcast.
00:41:58.208 --> 00:42:00.166
Is that how you got your nickname,
Queef Latifah?
00:42:00.583 --> 00:42:01.458
Possibly.
00:42:01.541 --> 00:42:04.166
Do you ever wish people would stop
calling you a female comedian?
00:42:04.625 --> 00:42:05.625
Yeah.
00:42:05.666 --> 00:42:07.986
Don't you think they should
just call you a black comedian?
00:42:08.583 --> 00:42:10.833
It's better than them
calling me a male comedian.
00:42:11.291 --> 00:42:13.000
You were raised in the foster care system,
00:42:13.083 --> 00:42:15.541
which brings us to our sponsor,
Foster's beer.
00:42:15.875 --> 00:42:17.500
Can you look at this camera right here
00:42:17.583 --> 00:42:19.000
and say,
00:42:19.125 --> 00:42:20.392
"Foster beer,
00:42:20.416 --> 00:42:22.291
the best beer for foster kids."
00:42:22.375 --> 00:42:23.375
I'm not doing that.
00:42:23.583 --> 00:42:24.583
No.
00:42:35.250 --> 00:42:41.583
♪ The things you said are
Hanging in the middle of my mind ♪
00:42:44.458 --> 00:42:47.333
Hey, can I just take a second?
I wanted to, um...
00:42:49.250 --> 00:42:50.583
I just want to thank you guys
00:42:51.333 --> 00:42:53.333
for going on this venture with me,
and, uh...
00:42:53.833 --> 00:42:55.291
this has been a dream of mine.
00:42:55.750 --> 00:42:57.291
As a kid, I realized that people
00:42:57.375 --> 00:42:59.625
love to point and laugh
and look at me.
00:43:01.041 --> 00:43:02.125
And I knew then...
00:43:03.166 --> 00:43:04.458
I have the It Factor.
00:43:05.875 --> 00:43:09.333
So, I just wanted to thank you guys
for helping me capitalize on that.
00:43:09.958 --> 00:43:10.958
Hey, I want to say,
00:43:11.333 --> 00:43:13.125
when we first started
on this whole trip,
00:43:13.208 --> 00:43:15.666
I found you to be annoying
and hard to be around,
00:43:16.500 --> 00:43:17.750
and that hasn't changed.
00:43:18.958 --> 00:43:20.333
I'm kidding!
00:43:20.416 --> 00:43:21.250
Ha!
00:43:21.333 --> 00:43:22.684
- Yeah, I know! Yeah.
- That's why it's funny,
00:43:22.708 --> 00:43:24.458
'cause it has changed.
I actually,
00:43:24.916 --> 00:43:26.083
you know, I think...
00:43:26.666 --> 00:43:28.208
I don't know, I kinda...
00:43:28.291 --> 00:43:29.166
I like you.
00:43:29.250 --> 00:43:30.791
- Wow.
- Well...
00:43:31.458 --> 00:43:32.500
thank you, Cam.
00:43:32.583 --> 00:43:33.583
You're welcome.
00:43:33.625 --> 00:43:36.166
Well, I'd like to say
a little something, too.
00:43:36.250 --> 00:43:38.708
Ever since my dad shot my mom
and then killed himself,
00:43:38.791 --> 00:43:40.291
I felt kind of...
00:43:40.583 --> 00:43:41.416
unmoored,
00:43:41.500 --> 00:43:43.791
but you've made me really
feel stable and needed.
00:43:43.875 --> 00:43:45.333
- So, thank you so much.
- What?
00:43:45.750 --> 00:43:49.291
Oh, yeah, my dad killed my mom
then killed himself, 'cause...
00:43:49.375 --> 00:43:51.458
- When... when did that happen?
- A while ago.
00:43:51.625 --> 00:43:52.625
Like, a month.
00:43:53.375 --> 00:43:56.041
You didn't take any time off of work,
you didn't say anything?
00:43:56.125 --> 00:43:57.125
I'm fine.
00:43:58.625 --> 00:43:59.541
I'd like to do a toast,
00:43:59.625 --> 00:44:00.726
- if that's possible?
- Yeah.
00:44:00.750 --> 00:44:01.833
- Yeah.
- Let's do a toast.
00:44:01.916 --> 00:44:02.916
Okay.
00:44:03.583 --> 00:44:05.250
Here's to the crazy ones,
00:44:06.166 --> 00:44:07.166
the misfits,
00:44:07.666 --> 00:44:08.666
maniacs,
00:44:09.000 --> 00:44:10.000
to the loonies,
00:44:10.541 --> 00:44:11.541
and ding-dongs.
00:44:12.375 --> 00:44:14.415
And some people would say
that we're the crazy ones,
00:44:14.958 --> 00:44:15.958
but I think...
00:44:16.500 --> 00:44:17.583
we're geniuses,
00:44:18.208 --> 00:44:19.333
because we're...
00:44:19.875 --> 00:44:20.916
crazy enough
00:44:23.125 --> 00:44:25.500
to try to change
this ding-dong crazy world.
00:44:26.791 --> 00:44:27.625
Cheers.
00:44:27.708 --> 00:44:29.500
That was a great speech.
00:44:30.333 --> 00:44:32.250
Would you like to, uh, dance?
00:44:33.250 --> 00:44:34.250
With me, though.
00:44:34.583 --> 00:44:35.583
- Yes. Okay.
- Okay.
00:44:37.208 --> 00:44:42.291
♪ I think about you
Walking on a street ♪
00:44:42.375 --> 00:44:43.500
You wanna dance?
00:44:43.583 --> 00:44:44.625
I wanna dance alone.
00:44:44.708 --> 00:44:49.500
♪ It always brings me back here ♪
00:44:50.166 --> 00:44:51.958
Come on, Cam!
00:44:52.208 --> 00:44:53.375
Come on.
00:44:54.458 --> 00:44:56.708
♪ By the hand ♪
00:44:57.250 --> 00:45:02.625
♪ Anyone who knows what love is
Will understand ♪
00:45:03.625 --> 00:45:07.375
♪ You've always had me ♪
00:45:09.208 --> 00:45:11.625
♪ Walking on a string ♪
00:45:12.583 --> 00:45:13.583
Hello.
00:45:14.125 --> 00:45:14.958
Hi.
00:45:15.041 --> 00:45:16.083
Room 203.
00:45:16.166 --> 00:45:18.500
There should be some...
several rooms under that.
00:45:18.583 --> 00:45:20.333
Yes, here's your receipt.
00:45:21.458 --> 00:45:23.041
I hope you enjoyed your stay.
00:45:23.500 --> 00:45:24.500
Very much.
00:45:25.541 --> 00:45:26.833
What are all these charges?
00:45:26.916 --> 00:45:28.000
It's itemized, sir.
00:45:28.541 --> 00:45:31.166
I just, I didn't realize
when you take out the, um,
00:45:32.000 --> 00:45:35.750
the crackers in the snack drawer
that they charge you for it or the drinks.
00:45:35.833 --> 00:45:36.875
You didn't realize that?
00:45:36.958 --> 00:45:39.726
Well, I didn't know, like, even if you
put it back, you're still charged.
00:45:39.750 --> 00:45:42.875
If you eat it or drink it, yes.
00:45:42.958 --> 00:45:44.291
Did you eat the stuff, too?
00:45:44.375 --> 00:45:45.875
I moved it and then I ate it, yeah.
00:45:46.041 --> 00:45:49.000
But, just 'cause I move it
I shouldn't be charged.
00:45:49.083 --> 00:45:50.791
What are these? Those look like...
00:45:51.291 --> 00:45:52.458
I rented one movie.
00:45:53.125 --> 00:45:54.125
Big deal.
00:45:55.333 --> 00:45:56.333
Is that porn?
00:45:57.083 --> 00:45:59.500
I thought it was Analyze This,
but it was Anal-yze This.
00:46:00.125 --> 00:46:02.017
They didn't even have to change
the spelling of it.
00:46:02.041 --> 00:46:04.666
You rented Anal-yze This
several times in a row.
00:46:04.750 --> 00:46:07.708
I kept hitting it 'cause I was,
"Well, maybe Analyze This will come..."
00:46:07.833 --> 00:46:09.500
The point being is...
00:46:09.625 --> 00:46:12.225
You should see the guy they had
playing Billy Crystal, by the way.
00:46:13.541 --> 00:46:15.726
- I'm not paying for this.
- You've already paid for it.
00:46:15.750 --> 00:46:16.958
This is just your receipt.
00:46:17.833 --> 00:46:20.208
But, I'm saying
I'm not paying for it... again.
00:46:25.708 --> 00:46:27.541
- I'm hungry.
- I'm starving.
00:46:27.625 --> 00:46:28.541
I'm so hungry.
00:46:28.625 --> 00:46:30.708
You guys wanna do
a family-style type thing?
00:46:31.791 --> 00:46:34.041
No, I think we each
wanted to get our own thing.
00:46:34.125 --> 00:46:35.041
- I was...
- Hey, gang.
00:46:35.125 --> 00:46:37.125
Did you get a chance
to look at the menus here?
00:46:37.208 --> 00:46:38.250
I'll take a grape juice...
00:46:38.333 --> 00:46:41.000
Uh, no, we'll have, uh,
four waters for the table.
00:46:41.083 --> 00:46:41.916
No grape juice.
00:46:42.000 --> 00:46:43.375
Can I get an orange soda?
00:46:43.458 --> 00:46:44.642
- Okay, orange...
- We'll split.
00:46:44.666 --> 00:46:46.146
Maybe we can split a soda three ways.
00:46:46.208 --> 00:46:48.041
Can you do one soda with two extra cups,
00:46:48.125 --> 00:46:51.291
but just charge us once, and then
put the other two, just put refills in it?
00:46:51.375 --> 00:46:52.500
It just has to be...
00:46:52.708 --> 00:46:54.750
one cup you all share.
00:46:55.041 --> 00:46:57.041
I can bring four straws?
00:46:57.166 --> 00:46:58.375
Sweet. Cool.
00:46:58.458 --> 00:47:00.375
How many clam strips come in an order?
00:47:00.458 --> 00:47:01.500
Six.
00:47:01.583 --> 00:47:04.333
- How big are they?
- Well, have you ever seen a chicken strip?
00:47:05.041 --> 00:47:06.916
I've never seen a chicken wear clothes.
00:47:08.375 --> 00:47:10.875
No, I mean like baked into a strip, not...
00:47:12.541 --> 00:47:13.791
- You bake them?
- That's fine.
00:47:13.875 --> 00:47:17.291
One is good. Look, we'll get an order
of the clam strips and a scoop of tuna.
00:47:17.541 --> 00:47:19.166
And can I get a, uh...
00:47:19.250 --> 00:47:20.583
mug of hot water, please?
00:47:24.125 --> 00:47:25.583
What were you saying earlier
00:47:25.666 --> 00:47:28.625
about your buddy Martin Freeman
being the only good part of Black Panther?
00:47:28.708 --> 00:47:29.541
What?
00:47:29.625 --> 00:47:31.833
It's just a weird thing to say
to someone you just met.
00:47:32.250 --> 00:47:33.666
- But I didn't say that.
- Ready?
00:47:34.041 --> 00:47:36.958
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
00:47:37.041 --> 00:47:39.250
I'm your host,
Zach Galifianakis, and...
00:47:39.708 --> 00:47:41.416
my guest today is
00:47:41.500 --> 00:47:43.750
Benedick Cumberbut... Batch.
00:47:44.416 --> 00:47:46.625
Benedick, Benedick Cumberbat... Bun.
00:47:47.083 --> 00:47:48.083
Cam...
00:47:48.666 --> 00:47:49.708
Benedick Cam...
00:47:50.458 --> 00:47:51.458
Benefit Lumberjacks.
00:47:51.541 --> 00:47:52.666
Ju... Uh, Bit...
00:47:52.833 --> 00:47:53.934
- Uh, Benedict...
- Cumberdit...
00:47:53.958 --> 00:47:55.125
Cumberba... Uh...
00:47:55.750 --> 00:47:57.166
Benedict Cumberbatch.
00:47:57.375 --> 00:47:58.708
- That's what it is.
- Yeah.
00:47:59.041 --> 00:48:01.416
You once said
you're your own worst critic.
00:48:02.333 --> 00:48:04.166
So, you haven't read any of your reviews?
00:48:04.250 --> 00:48:05.250
No, no, I try not to.
00:48:05.333 --> 00:48:06.976
Has there ever been
anything negative written about...
00:48:07.000 --> 00:48:08.000
Oh, yeah.
00:48:08.583 --> 00:48:10.250
A horse-faced, wooden...
00:48:10.666 --> 00:48:12.517
- I see that, now you say that.
- ...oddly-named.
00:48:12.541 --> 00:48:14.166
- That I do see.
- Yeah.
00:48:14.583 --> 00:48:17.208
You got your start doing theater
and independent films.
00:48:17.291 --> 00:48:18.291
I did.
00:48:18.333 --> 00:48:20.208
And now you're acting
in Marvel movies.
00:48:20.291 --> 00:48:22.041
How good does it feel to sell-out?
00:48:24.041 --> 00:48:25.500
Uh, I don't think it's a sell-out.
00:48:25.583 --> 00:48:27.291
I think they're pretty cool films.
00:48:27.375 --> 00:48:29.625
There's a lot for an actor to do in them.
So...
00:48:29.708 --> 00:48:30.708
You wear a cape?
00:48:30.916 --> 00:48:32.000
No, I wear a cloak.
00:48:35.291 --> 00:48:38.958
Do you think you play smart characters
like Sherlock Holmes because you have...
00:48:39.250 --> 00:48:41.625
you have one of these,
you know, these faces...
00:48:41.708 --> 00:48:44.625
Can we... Is there a...
Let's just get a close-up here.
00:48:44.708 --> 00:48:46.375
It's a face that could go either way.
00:48:46.625 --> 00:48:49.000
It can use inductive reasoning
to solve mysteries,
00:48:49.083 --> 00:48:50.708
or it's the type of face that...
00:48:51.083 --> 00:48:53.041
masturbates all day wearing a helmet.
00:48:53.875 --> 00:48:55.041
See, it's a fine line.
00:48:57.041 --> 00:48:59.250
You played Vincent van Gogh in a movie.
00:48:59.333 --> 00:49:00.625
I did, yes.
00:49:01.125 --> 00:49:03.333
This is Vincent van Gogh
answering his cell phone.
00:49:04.291 --> 00:49:05.291
Hello...
00:49:05.625 --> 00:49:06.625
Hello?
00:49:07.750 --> 00:49:08.750
It's hilarious.
00:49:09.291 --> 00:49:10.708
If you didn't have an accent,
00:49:10.791 --> 00:49:13.791
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
00:49:14.083 --> 00:49:16.583
Yeah, no, I think my accent
probably does help, that's true.
00:49:16.666 --> 00:49:17.958
Can you do an American accent?
00:49:18.791 --> 00:49:19.625
Yes, I can.
00:49:19.750 --> 00:49:20.833
Um...
00:49:21.125 --> 00:49:22.666
okay, maybe I'll give you a few words?
00:49:22.750 --> 00:49:23.583
Sure.
00:49:23.666 --> 00:49:26.416
That's a nice bicycle you have there,
my young son.
00:49:29.125 --> 00:49:32.285
Well, that's a nice
bicycle you have there, my young son.
00:49:33.208 --> 00:49:35.958
- Pervert. Get away from me.
- Pervert. Get away from me.
00:49:36.041 --> 00:49:38.201
- No, that's me responding.
- No, that's me responding.
00:49:40.458 --> 00:49:42.458
- You have a rabid fan base, and it's...
- A what?
00:49:42.541 --> 00:49:44.861
- You have a rabid...
- I thought you said "rabbit." Sorry.
00:49:46.250 --> 00:49:47.291
Why... I said rabid.
00:49:47.375 --> 00:49:48.500
It's vowels with you,
00:49:48.583 --> 00:49:50.666
so I can't sometimes
understand what you're saying.
00:49:50.750 --> 00:49:53.166
All right, I'll say "rabbit."
You have a "rabbit" fan base.
00:49:53.250 --> 00:49:54.559
- That what you want?
- No, just "d", "d".
00:49:54.583 --> 00:49:56.875
You have a fan base full of rabbits.
00:49:56.958 --> 00:49:57.958
Rabid.
00:49:58.666 --> 00:50:00.833
Do they fuck a lot
while they come see your plays?
00:50:00.916 --> 00:50:03.416
Are the rabbits always
having sex in the audience,
00:50:03.500 --> 00:50:04.500
- while...
- Unbelievable.
00:50:04.583 --> 00:50:06.791
Are you good friends
with the Easter Bunny?
00:50:07.125 --> 00:50:08.583
Do you know Bugs?
00:50:17.416 --> 00:50:19.125
Everything, uh, everything good?
00:50:19.208 --> 00:50:21.458
You got kinda heated in there with...
00:50:21.541 --> 00:50:24.125
with Cumber... Cumercleat...
Cumbercleatch.
00:50:24.208 --> 00:50:26.083
It's Dickerflick Cabbagepatch.
00:50:26.166 --> 00:50:28.291
I just... Look, I...
00:50:29.041 --> 00:50:31.958
I don't wanna put this on you guys,
but, uh...
00:50:32.416 --> 00:50:33.708
we're in a little bit of a...
00:50:34.333 --> 00:50:37.250
budget situation,
we're strapped for cash right now.
00:50:37.333 --> 00:50:39.750
That's okay, you can just
call Will Ferrell.
00:50:39.833 --> 00:50:41.142
- Oh, yeah.
- He can send more money.
00:50:41.166 --> 00:50:42.166
I'll call him right now.
00:50:42.458 --> 00:50:43.892
- Don't do...
- How do you spell Ferrell?
00:50:43.916 --> 00:50:44.916
Don't do that.
00:50:45.875 --> 00:50:49.083
When I said that he was
bankrolling this project,
00:50:49.166 --> 00:50:50.166
I meant...
00:50:50.333 --> 00:50:53.125
I meant he was bankrolling it
in the future tense.
00:50:53.708 --> 00:50:54.708
What?
00:50:54.791 --> 00:50:56.625
He didn't give us any money upfront,
00:50:56.708 --> 00:50:58.166
and we're running low.
00:50:58.750 --> 00:51:00.041
So, you lied about Will Ferrell?
00:51:00.125 --> 00:51:01.125
Oh, that's great.
00:51:01.166 --> 00:51:04.291
Let me guess, he never actually said
that we could be a part of the show?
00:51:04.375 --> 00:51:05.833
Did you lie about that, too?
00:51:05.916 --> 00:51:08.375
As soon as we get to Los Angeles,
everything will be fine.
00:51:08.458 --> 00:51:09.916
I'm not gonna leave you guys behind.
00:51:10.958 --> 00:51:11.958
We're friends.
00:51:12.000 --> 00:51:13.000
Oh, are we?
00:51:13.416 --> 00:51:15.666
Are we? Or are we just
a bunch of dumb shits
00:51:16.125 --> 00:51:18.625
that you tricked
into doing unpaid labor for you?
00:51:18.708 --> 00:51:19.708
Come on. Come on.
00:51:24.583 --> 00:51:25.583
Carol...
00:51:40.375 --> 00:51:42.041
- Hi, Norma!
- Hi, Tessa!
00:51:42.125 --> 00:51:44.267
What are you doing out here
in the middle of nowhere anyway?
00:51:44.291 --> 00:51:46.583
I'm researching for a film
that I'm doing next.
00:51:46.666 --> 00:51:47.666
What kind of research?
00:51:47.750 --> 00:51:50.375
I'm just learning
how to be a boring person.
00:51:50.458 --> 00:51:51.500
Oh, really?
00:51:51.625 --> 00:51:53.458
My guest today is...
00:51:54.041 --> 00:51:55.333
Tesla Thompson.
00:51:55.458 --> 00:51:56.767
- Tesla? Tesla Thompson?
- Tessa.
00:51:56.791 --> 00:51:58.791
No, Tes... Yeah, just Tessa.
00:51:58.875 --> 00:51:59.875
Like the car.
00:51:59.916 --> 00:52:01.476
- No, no, unlike the car.
- Tesla, like the car?
00:52:01.500 --> 00:52:03.392
- Like, if you take the "L" out of it.
- But, it says,
00:52:03.416 --> 00:52:04.416
"Tessa...
00:52:04.541 --> 00:52:06.500
parenthetically, like the car."
00:52:06.583 --> 00:52:08.434
But, you don't say it
like you say the car.
00:52:08.458 --> 00:52:09.833
'Cause then that's not my name.
00:52:09.916 --> 00:52:11.125
I drive a Tessa.
00:52:11.625 --> 00:52:12.625
You were in Creed.
00:52:12.666 --> 00:52:13.666
Mm-hmm.
00:52:13.708 --> 00:52:15.125
What's Scott Stapp like?
00:52:15.208 --> 00:52:17.125
- Who?
- The singer in your band.
00:52:17.958 --> 00:52:19.708
Were you in Cr...
It says you were in Creed.
00:52:19.791 --> 00:52:21.250
No, the movie, not the band.
00:52:21.958 --> 00:52:23.583
Oh. Well, what's Scott Stapp like?
00:52:24.541 --> 00:52:27.583
I never... I didn't...
We didn't meet 'cause I'm...
00:52:27.958 --> 00:52:29.416
They weren't involved in the movie.
00:52:30.500 --> 00:52:32.333
But, would you like to meet him one day?
00:52:32.958 --> 00:52:34.083
I mean, yeah, sure,
00:52:34.166 --> 00:52:37.708
if the opportunity presented itself
and I didn't have to drive anywhere, yeah.
00:52:38.291 --> 00:52:41.083
Women are always being told
to watch their weight in Hollywood.
00:52:41.166 --> 00:52:44.833
So, why do you think so many actresses
could still stand to lose a few pounds?
00:52:45.250 --> 00:52:46.708
I mean, you look at Hollywood
00:52:46.791 --> 00:52:48.791
and all the men
that get to age gracefully.
00:52:48.875 --> 00:52:52.083
It looks like they haven't been to a gym,
00:52:52.166 --> 00:52:54.041
they get to come in disheveled,
00:52:54.125 --> 00:52:55.958
and they look like they need to shower,
00:52:56.041 --> 00:52:58.333
and they're wearing
just, like, some blazer,
00:52:58.416 --> 00:53:00.625
and be told
that they just look distinguished,
00:53:00.708 --> 00:53:01.916
but really they just look...
00:53:02.666 --> 00:53:04.083
pretty disgusting, so...
00:53:04.458 --> 00:53:05.708
Yeah, I hear you.
00:53:05.916 --> 00:53:07.267
That's... that's gotta be frustrating.
00:53:07.291 --> 00:53:08.291
Yeah.
00:53:11.458 --> 00:53:14.791
- So this like a shortcut?
- Where are we going?
00:53:14.875 --> 00:53:16.892
I don't know if this
is where you check in, or...
00:53:16.916 --> 00:53:17.750
Now what?
00:53:17.875 --> 00:53:20.355
- What do you mean?
- We'll see what's going on.
00:53:26.541 --> 00:53:28.184
- This looks weird.
- Where are we?
00:53:28.208 --> 00:53:29.583
This where we're staying tonight.
00:53:30.125 --> 00:53:32.375
You said we were staying
at the Four Seasons.
00:53:33.125 --> 00:53:37.500
I said that we were staying at a place
that was closed for three of the seasons.
00:53:37.583 --> 00:53:38.892
Oh, Jesus Christ.
We're supposed to believe that?
00:53:38.916 --> 00:53:40.392
That's exactly what I said
and for you guys
00:53:40.416 --> 00:53:42.096
to run your mouths
like it was something...
00:53:42.125 --> 00:53:44.625
You are a liar and you have deceived us.
00:53:44.708 --> 00:53:46.708
Yes, it's an abandoned campground,
00:53:46.791 --> 00:53:49.333
but let's just stay here for the night
and have some fun.
00:53:51.000 --> 00:53:53.250
He's crazy. He's literally losing it.
00:53:53.333 --> 00:53:54.809
He's under a lot of stress.
00:53:54.833 --> 00:53:57.083
But, we only have one more episode to go.
00:53:57.166 --> 00:53:58.406
Hey, Zach found a fishing pole,
00:53:58.458 --> 00:54:00.698
so we're gonna go on the lake
and try to catch something.
00:54:05.625 --> 00:54:07.333
Let me put the hot dog on it.
00:54:07.875 --> 00:54:09.166
- You have a hot dog?
- Yeah.
00:54:09.791 --> 00:54:10.791
We could've eaten that.
00:54:10.833 --> 00:54:11.833
You want a piece?
00:54:11.875 --> 00:54:13.892
- No, I don't wanna a piece.
- I can give you that one.
00:54:13.916 --> 00:54:15.333
It's been in your pocket all day.
00:54:15.416 --> 00:54:17.416
It's only two days old, it's fine.
Hot dogs keep.
00:54:17.500 --> 00:54:19.250
- Use it.
- Fine.
00:54:22.500 --> 00:54:23.583
Just give me a second.
00:54:28.833 --> 00:54:29.833
You get caught?
00:54:30.458 --> 00:54:32.000
- You gotta get it...
- God Almighty!
00:54:33.375 --> 00:54:34.833
Hey.
00:54:37.208 --> 00:54:38.208
What's going on?
00:54:38.708 --> 00:54:39.583
I just feel like...
00:54:40.750 --> 00:54:41.791
What are we doing?
00:54:42.541 --> 00:54:46.250
I... I'm fishing on a giant goose
looking for food.
00:54:46.875 --> 00:54:48.000
You got this.
00:54:48.500 --> 00:54:50.500
You're gonna catch us fish for dinner,
00:54:50.583 --> 00:54:52.583
we're all going to eat like kings tonight.
00:54:53.291 --> 00:54:56.208
And you're gonna make a TV show
that's going to change the entire world.
00:54:57.000 --> 00:54:58.000
Okay?
00:54:58.583 --> 00:54:59.583
I believe in you.
00:55:00.250 --> 00:55:02.416
You can't just give up
when someone believes in you.
00:55:07.333 --> 00:55:09.693
I don't know what I'd do without you,
Carol, I really don't.
00:55:14.208 --> 00:55:16.500
If you could do anything with your life,
what would it be?
00:55:17.458 --> 00:55:18.458
Forget me,
00:55:18.833 --> 00:55:20.000
forget the cable access.
00:55:20.083 --> 00:55:21.083
What would you do?
00:55:21.458 --> 00:55:23.833
Once upon a time,
I thought about being a trumpet player.
00:55:25.833 --> 00:55:28.375
That was right before we left
on this trip. I bought a trumpet.
00:55:32.291 --> 00:55:33.791
- That was in your purse?
- Yeah.
00:55:34.208 --> 00:55:36.291
Just in case I ever get the guts
to give it a toot.
00:55:37.333 --> 00:55:38.666
Well, what are you afraid of?
00:55:40.125 --> 00:55:41.708
I'm scared I might be too good at it,
00:55:42.291 --> 00:55:43.371
and I'll have to leave you.
00:55:44.041 --> 00:55:45.208
Well, then you become...
00:55:46.041 --> 00:55:48.750
a famous trumpeter
and you leave me behind. It's okay.
00:55:49.166 --> 00:55:50.916
If you wanna play the trumpet, go ahead.
00:55:51.541 --> 00:55:53.458
Lip up. Give that thing a toot.
00:55:54.333 --> 00:55:55.333
Okay.
00:55:55.875 --> 00:55:56.875
Okay!
00:55:58.833 --> 00:56:00.708
I watched a ton of videos
on how to do it.
00:56:19.916 --> 00:56:20.750
It's a good start.
00:56:20.833 --> 00:56:22.041
You play that trumpet.
00:56:22.666 --> 00:56:24.041
I'm gonna catch us some fish.
00:56:36.708 --> 00:56:39.250
Okay, everybody.
Can everybody gather round, please?
00:56:39.625 --> 00:56:40.625
Gather round.
00:56:40.958 --> 00:56:41.958
All right.
00:56:42.041 --> 00:56:43.833
So, we're at Peter Dinklage's house.
00:56:44.000 --> 00:56:46.791
This is our last interview.
Obviously, he's as rich as Croesus.
00:56:47.458 --> 00:56:48.458
I have a plan.
00:56:49.000 --> 00:56:51.291
Carol, he's going to be distracted
during the interview.
00:56:51.833 --> 00:56:54.000
I need you to steal some of his stuff.
00:56:54.583 --> 00:56:55.916
- What?
- What? No!
00:56:56.000 --> 00:56:57.601
- We're not stealing!
- You can't do that. No.
00:56:57.625 --> 00:57:00.458
I know... Not a lot of stuff,
just enough stuff so I can sell it later,
00:57:00.541 --> 00:57:01.416
so we have some dough.
00:57:01.500 --> 00:57:04.017
- I don't feel comfortable with that.
- You don't have to do that.
00:57:04.041 --> 00:57:05.125
Okay, I'll do it.
00:57:05.791 --> 00:57:07.871
You have to work the camera.
Plus, you're too stupid.
00:57:08.833 --> 00:57:09.833
Carol,
00:57:09.958 --> 00:57:11.333
if we don't get to Los Angeles...
00:57:12.833 --> 00:57:14.250
our talk show dreams are over.
00:57:16.708 --> 00:57:17.708
Please?
00:57:20.333 --> 00:57:21.333
Okay.
00:57:22.000 --> 00:57:23.916
Let's steal Peter Dinklage's stuff.
00:57:24.583 --> 00:57:25.708
- Okay.
- Yeah.
00:57:25.791 --> 00:57:26.791
Okay!
00:57:27.208 --> 00:57:28.625
Game faces! Let's go.
00:57:29.125 --> 00:57:31.000
All right. I'll get the ferns.
00:57:37.750 --> 00:57:39.000
Hey, yeah,
00:57:39.291 --> 00:57:41.166
the Ferns peoples.
00:57:41.541 --> 00:57:42.541
Come on.
00:57:45.166 --> 00:57:46.375
Come on, don't be shy.
00:57:47.791 --> 00:57:49.208
Late one last night.
00:57:49.750 --> 00:57:50.750
Oh, wow.
00:57:51.333 --> 00:57:52.500
What a fancy house.
00:57:52.833 --> 00:57:54.958
Tell us about
all of your expensive things.
00:57:55.375 --> 00:57:56.875
All right.
00:57:57.666 --> 00:57:59.375
I was just about to anyway.
00:57:59.458 --> 00:58:01.583
You're noticing my Warhol, I see.
00:58:02.250 --> 00:58:03.250
Wow.
00:58:03.291 --> 00:58:04.458
Must be really expensive.
00:58:04.541 --> 00:58:07.958
Oh, about 250K. Got that for a steal.
00:58:08.041 --> 00:58:09.625
Was LaCroix around back then?
00:58:09.708 --> 00:58:10.708
Yeah.
00:58:10.916 --> 00:58:11.833
LaCroix!
00:58:11.916 --> 00:58:14.375
Seems like it must be
hard to get that off the wall.
00:58:15.000 --> 00:58:16.000
Over here...
00:58:19.000 --> 00:58:21.125
Winds Of Winter by George R.R. Martin?
00:58:21.583 --> 00:58:22.708
It's not even out yet!
00:58:23.041 --> 00:58:25.281
I bet that would fetch a pretty penny
on the open market.
00:58:26.208 --> 00:58:27.208
Check this out.
00:58:30.250 --> 00:58:31.875
Et voilà.
00:58:32.916 --> 00:58:34.416
Are those Fabergé eggs?
00:58:34.500 --> 00:58:35.833
Yes, they are indeed.
00:58:35.916 --> 00:58:36.750
Wow.
00:58:36.916 --> 00:58:39.208
You know what's the most amazing thing
about this, though?
00:58:39.583 --> 00:58:40.583
Uh...
00:58:41.416 --> 00:58:42.625
Fabergé egg carton.
00:58:43.083 --> 00:58:44.083
Wow.
00:58:44.375 --> 00:58:46.017
- Is that worth a lot of money?
- Oh...
00:58:46.041 --> 00:58:47.458
- Like, how much?
- Oh...
00:58:47.750 --> 00:58:49.541
You can't even
think of a number that high.
00:58:49.625 --> 00:58:50.666
Okay, great.
00:58:51.166 --> 00:58:52.916
Thank you.
We'll set up for the interview.
00:58:53.000 --> 00:58:54.101
So, we're gonna do the interview?
00:58:54.125 --> 00:58:55.125
Let's do it.
00:59:00.166 --> 00:59:02.458
Hi, welcome to another edition
of Between Two Ferns.
00:59:02.541 --> 00:59:04.625
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
00:59:04.708 --> 00:59:06.208
and my guest today...
00:59:06.666 --> 00:59:08.166
is Peter Dinklage.
00:59:09.000 --> 00:59:11.291
Thank you for joining me, Mr. Dinklage.
00:59:11.583 --> 00:59:12.458
Mm-hmm.
00:59:12.541 --> 00:59:13.541
Dinklage.
00:59:14.208 --> 00:59:15.500
Is that an STD?
00:59:16.500 --> 00:59:19.666
Uh, I think in German
it's von Dincklage, but...
00:59:20.000 --> 00:59:21.291
Why did you keep your real name?
00:59:22.166 --> 00:59:23.750
I mean, if someone said to me,
00:59:23.833 --> 00:59:28.208
"You have to start an acting career
with the name Peter Dinkylage..."
00:59:28.291 --> 00:59:30.666
I'm thinking of other choices
I could've made right now.
00:59:31.666 --> 00:59:33.500
Well, Galifianakis is a stage name.
00:59:33.916 --> 00:59:34.833
What's your real name?
00:59:34.916 --> 00:59:37.291
My real name is Chad Farthouse.
00:59:38.416 --> 00:59:39.666
That doesn't sound right.
00:59:39.750 --> 00:59:41.875
There's a kid
on the Disney Channel.
00:59:42.208 --> 00:59:43.833
Uh, Chad...
00:59:44.250 --> 00:59:45.083
Farthouse.
00:59:45.166 --> 00:59:47.333
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place,
00:59:47.791 --> 00:59:48.833
with that last name.
00:59:49.166 --> 00:59:50.416
So, I had to change my name.
00:59:52.500 --> 00:59:53.666
You're in X-Men, right?
00:59:55.416 --> 00:59:57.000
You know who my favorite X-Man is?
00:59:57.750 --> 00:59:58.750
Caitlyn Jenner.
00:59:59.541 --> 01:00:01.416
And, by the way,
that's not an offensive joke.
01:00:01.791 --> 01:00:05.166
I'm honestly under the impression
that she was in the X-Men movies.
01:00:07.458 --> 01:00:09.000
You were in ALF, right?
01:00:09.583 --> 01:00:10.583
Elf.
01:00:11.500 --> 01:00:13.708
No, I mean, you were in ALF,
the costume?
01:00:14.458 --> 01:00:16.458
- Um, hey!
- Can I just...
01:00:16.875 --> 01:00:17.875
Real quick,
01:00:18.125 --> 01:00:19.434
and it's important you look at my face
01:00:19.458 --> 01:00:21.375
'cause I think
the sincerity in this question
01:00:21.458 --> 01:00:22.875
is reading in my face.
01:00:23.333 --> 01:00:26.000
Tell us about how fun it was
to be in Pixels.
01:00:26.125 --> 01:00:28.205
Pixels, was that a fun challenge?
01:00:28.708 --> 01:00:29.541
Hey...
01:00:29.625 --> 01:00:30.750
she's taking my eggs!
01:00:30.833 --> 01:00:32.166
- Hey, wait!
- Okay. Let's go!
01:00:32.250 --> 01:00:34.041
- Hey!
- Let's go! Grab it! Go!
01:00:34.125 --> 01:00:34.958
Grab what you can!
01:00:35.041 --> 01:00:36.708
- Go!
- What the heck are you doing?
01:00:36.791 --> 01:00:39.031
- What are you doing? Those are my eggs!
- Go! Go!
01:00:39.083 --> 01:00:40.601
My precious eggs!
01:00:40.625 --> 01:00:42.000
No!
01:00:42.166 --> 01:00:44.541
- Loved you in Three Billboards!
- Shit!
01:00:44.833 --> 01:00:47.000
Why didn't I get attack dogs?
01:00:47.750 --> 01:00:48.750
Well, I...
01:00:49.291 --> 01:00:51.291
still have $102 million dollars
01:00:51.875 --> 01:00:54.041
in my savings account alone. Ah.
01:00:54.750 --> 01:00:56.125
You'll be fine, Peter.
01:00:56.333 --> 01:00:57.500
You're a survivor.
01:00:57.833 --> 01:00:59.000
You will survive.
01:01:03.166 --> 01:01:05.566
So, guys, got a little cash
from selling Mr. Dinklage's eggs.
01:01:05.875 --> 01:01:08.208
Now, all we have to do
is get to Los Angeles by 9:00 a.m.,
01:01:08.375 --> 01:01:10.500
- and get this show to Mr. Will Ferrell.
- Yes!
01:01:10.583 --> 01:01:12.166
Get in!
01:01:57.541 --> 01:01:58.541
What's this?
01:02:00.708 --> 01:02:01.708
God.
01:02:02.625 --> 01:02:03.875
Check my e-mail.
01:02:15.375 --> 01:02:16.916
Password? Jesus.
01:02:18.166 --> 01:02:19.166
Oh, it's "Jesus."
01:02:22.000 --> 01:02:23.125
I always do that.
01:02:30.291 --> 01:02:31.541
Oh, my God.
01:02:32.708 --> 01:02:34.083
What happened to all my music?
01:02:37.333 --> 01:02:38.666
Oh, God!
01:02:52.166 --> 01:02:53.166
What happened?
01:02:55.166 --> 01:02:56.041
Oh..
01:02:56.125 --> 01:02:57.125
God.
01:02:59.333 --> 01:03:00.166
Are you ki...
01:03:00.250 --> 01:03:01.833
- How did this happen?
- What the fuck?
01:03:02.666 --> 01:03:03.916
We're fucked.
01:03:04.708 --> 01:03:06.708
We're never gonna make it
to Los Angeles now.
01:03:06.791 --> 01:03:07.916
Where are my ferns?
01:03:10.166 --> 01:03:11.166
Where are the fer...
01:03:12.291 --> 01:03:13.291
Wait!
01:03:13.416 --> 01:03:14.416
Hey!
01:03:15.166 --> 01:03:16.416
You animal!
01:03:17.750 --> 01:03:18.750
My ferns!
01:03:19.625 --> 01:03:20.625
My ferns!
01:03:22.625 --> 01:03:23.666
They're ruined!
01:03:25.625 --> 01:03:27.291
My ferns are ruined!
01:03:27.458 --> 01:03:29.375
Zach, don't worry,
we can get you new ferns.
01:03:29.458 --> 01:03:32.041
What am I thinking?
This is no way to get a talk show.
01:03:32.541 --> 01:03:33.958
Driving around the country.
01:03:34.041 --> 01:03:35.583
There's absolutely no way
01:03:35.916 --> 01:03:37.791
we can make it to Los Angeles in time.
01:03:37.875 --> 01:03:38.875
It's okay.
01:03:38.916 --> 01:03:41.291
All we have to do
is just walk the nearest town...
01:03:41.375 --> 01:03:42.541
I'm no good for you guys.
01:03:45.416 --> 01:03:46.416
So, get away from me.
01:03:46.458 --> 01:03:48.708
It's over. I'm going back home.
01:03:48.791 --> 01:03:50.083
Zach, you can't give up.
01:03:50.583 --> 01:03:51.458
I need you.
01:03:51.541 --> 01:03:53.666
Yeah? Well, I can't do it any more.
01:03:56.125 --> 01:03:57.125
So, leave.
01:04:00.500 --> 01:04:01.500
- Let's go.
- Let's go.
01:04:02.541 --> 01:04:03.541
We're going?
01:04:08.375 --> 01:04:09.375
Are you sure?
01:04:21.125 --> 01:04:23.666
♪ The things you said are
01:04:23.750 --> 01:04:29.916
♪ Hanging in the middle of my mind
Tonight ♪
01:04:31.291 --> 01:04:33.833
♪ I can't turn them off ♪
01:04:34.583 --> 01:04:36.500
Okay, will you just stop filming, please?
01:04:36.958 --> 01:04:38.708
You told me to get everything.
01:04:40.041 --> 01:04:42.375
All right, thank you.
Please just turn the cam...
01:04:44.041 --> 01:04:45.041
Stop!
01:04:45.458 --> 01:04:48.666
♪ Brings me back here ♪
01:04:50.375 --> 01:04:56.083
♪ Into the garden by the hand ♪
01:04:56.708 --> 01:05:00.958
♪ You've always had me ♪
01:05:02.166 --> 01:05:05.458
♪ Walking on a string ♪
01:05:07.583 --> 01:05:08.625
What can I get you?
01:05:08.916 --> 01:05:10.333
Can I have an orange juice, please.
01:05:11.125 --> 01:05:13.184
And, as you can see,
Jim is still in the lead,
01:05:13.208 --> 01:05:15.458
but we did have to deduct 250 points
01:05:15.541 --> 01:05:18.541
because, during the break,
our judges have ruled that Abraham Lincoln
01:05:18.625 --> 01:05:19.458
There you go.
01:05:19.541 --> 01:05:21.833
...was the 16th President
of the United States.
01:05:22.083 --> 01:05:23.958
Tina, from Houston, Texas.
01:05:24.458 --> 01:05:26.166
Texas, represent!
01:05:26.250 --> 01:05:29.333
And you said you had a very special reason
for being here on the show tonight?
01:05:29.875 --> 01:05:31.995
It's 'cause I'd love to take
my friends on a vacation.
01:05:32.041 --> 01:05:35.083
They really deserve it
and they mean everything to me.
01:05:36.083 --> 01:05:38.750
And I would love to show them
that I am not a failure,
01:05:39.166 --> 01:05:41.208
and that I just appreciate them.
01:05:41.583 --> 01:05:42.833
So you feel like a failure now?
01:05:43.333 --> 01:05:44.375
Currently, yeah.
01:05:44.458 --> 01:05:47.666
- But you wanna prove that you are not one?
- And I think I can do it today.
01:05:48.000 --> 01:05:50.708
Well, Tina, you are down by quite a bit,
01:05:50.916 --> 01:05:53.416
but you still have a chance
to catch up and win.
01:05:53.625 --> 01:05:55.125
That's why we call this show...
01:05:55.208 --> 01:05:58.416
Don't Give Up!
01:05:58.500 --> 01:05:59.500
Don't give up.
01:05:59.625 --> 01:06:02.333
♪ Walking on a string ♪
01:06:04.625 --> 01:06:07.041
♪ Can't escape it ♪
01:06:07.875 --> 01:06:08.875
Carol!
01:06:12.208 --> 01:06:13.208
Carol!
01:06:14.125 --> 01:06:15.166
- Carol!
- Zach!
01:06:15.250 --> 01:06:17.125
- Oh, my God! Zach!
- There you are.
01:06:20.083 --> 01:06:21.083
You were right.
01:06:21.291 --> 01:06:22.458
I should never give up.
01:06:22.708 --> 01:06:24.184
I just want to thank you
for believing in me.
01:06:24.208 --> 01:06:26.892
No! Everything's fine, we found a guy
who's gonna take us to Los Angeles.
01:06:26.916 --> 01:06:28.226
- He's gonna drive us.
- Get in the car!
01:06:28.250 --> 01:06:29.850
- Yeah?
- Let's go, get in the car!
01:06:29.875 --> 01:06:31.541
We're doing it! We're doing it!
01:06:46.000 --> 01:06:47.000
Thanks, Chuck!
01:06:47.250 --> 01:06:49.916
Go, go, go.
Bye! Thank you!
01:06:50.958 --> 01:06:52.517
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
01:06:54.458 --> 01:06:55.851
What time is it?
Anybody know what time it is?
01:06:55.875 --> 01:06:57.833
- No!
- Nobody wears a watch anymore.
01:06:57.916 --> 01:06:58.833
Come on.
01:06:58.916 --> 01:07:00.000
Shit, go.
01:07:00.750 --> 01:07:02.726
- Hey! You can't go in there.
- This way! This way!
01:07:02.750 --> 01:07:04.791
Just burst in, just go, go, go!
01:07:13.000 --> 01:07:14.000
Mr. Ferrell?
01:07:16.250 --> 01:07:18.791
Mr. Ferrell, it's Zach Galifianakis,
01:07:19.375 --> 01:07:20.750
from the internet show.
01:07:20.833 --> 01:07:23.083
I've got those tapes that you wanted.
01:07:24.333 --> 01:07:25.333
Hello?
01:07:28.583 --> 01:07:30.208
Jesus Christ!
01:07:30.541 --> 01:07:31.458
What is that?
01:07:31.541 --> 01:07:33.083
- It's a teeth whitener.
- Oh.
01:07:36.875 --> 01:07:37.875
Ah-ah-ah!
01:07:38.791 --> 01:07:41.458
Gently place the bag on the floor
and kick it over to me.
01:07:42.458 --> 01:07:43.458
Slowly.
01:07:44.791 --> 01:07:45.791
Slowly.
01:07:47.750 --> 01:07:48.750
Gently.
01:07:49.583 --> 01:07:50.583
Gently.
01:07:52.041 --> 01:07:54.208
Now, kick it as hard as you can
across the floor.
01:07:56.250 --> 01:07:57.250
Keep kicking them.
01:08:00.250 --> 01:08:02.250
That's as hard as you can kick?
01:08:02.333 --> 01:08:03.333
- Do it.
- You can...
01:08:03.416 --> 01:08:05.458
Ah! Fu...
01:08:05.541 --> 01:08:06.666
Push it, if you have to.
01:08:17.958 --> 01:08:18.958
They're all there.
01:08:27.375 --> 01:08:28.375
Episode ten.
01:08:30.916 --> 01:08:32.083
Nice job, Zachy Baby.
01:08:32.458 --> 01:08:34.726
I knew you were gonna say
something like that. I told you right?
01:08:34.750 --> 01:08:36.851
- Yeah, you did.
- I said "Zachy Baby," and he said it.
01:08:36.875 --> 01:08:38.583
You completed your task.
01:08:40.125 --> 01:08:41.125
And now...
01:08:42.625 --> 01:08:43.625
you may leave.
01:08:45.583 --> 01:08:47.916
You told me that
if I delivered those tapes,
01:08:49.208 --> 01:08:50.768
you'd give me my own network talk show.
01:08:51.625 --> 01:08:53.166
Our own talk show.
01:08:53.541 --> 01:08:56.083
Are you forgetting the "pro"
of the quid pro quo?
01:08:56.166 --> 01:08:59.083
I asked you to deliver
ten episodes of your show...
01:08:59.166 --> 01:09:00.708
- Yeah.
- ...by 9:00 a.m.
01:09:01.083 --> 01:09:02.875
Yeah, it's 9:00 a.m.
It's before 9:00 a.m.
01:09:03.250 --> 01:09:04.250
9:00 a.m...
01:09:05.458 --> 01:09:06.666
Tokyo time!
01:09:07.250 --> 01:09:09.208
Before the markets open!
01:09:09.875 --> 01:09:11.833
I can't do anything with these!
01:09:12.083 --> 01:09:13.833
They are worthless to me,
01:09:13.916 --> 01:09:15.333
you fat idiot!
01:09:17.666 --> 01:09:19.267
- How could we have known?
- There's no way...
01:09:19.291 --> 01:09:20.916
It makes sense, though. Let's just go.
01:09:21.000 --> 01:09:22.480
Let's just get out of here. I'm so...
01:09:22.583 --> 01:09:23.750
Mr. Galifianakis?
01:09:23.916 --> 01:09:24.750
Yes?
01:09:24.833 --> 01:09:26.208
Your television contract.
01:09:28.416 --> 01:09:30.916
For one big, fancy network talk show.
01:09:37.458 --> 01:09:38.858
What is this? What... what is this?
01:09:39.000 --> 01:09:40.916
I was fucking with you!
01:09:41.000 --> 01:09:43.416
- What, you mean...
- You know why I was fucking with you?
01:09:44.041 --> 01:09:46.375
Because that's what celebrities
do to each other.
01:09:47.541 --> 01:09:48.916
You were just Clooney-ed.
01:09:49.000 --> 01:09:50.000
What?
01:09:50.083 --> 01:09:50.958
You won.
01:09:51.041 --> 01:09:52.958
I'm getting my own network talk show?
01:09:53.041 --> 01:09:54.875
You're about to be a TV star!
01:09:54.958 --> 01:09:57.166
God Almighty!
01:09:57.250 --> 01:09:59.333
- Yeah!
- On TV, not the internet?
01:09:59.416 --> 01:10:01.041
My God! Zach!
01:10:01.125 --> 01:10:02.833
- Yeah!
- You did it!
01:10:02.916 --> 01:10:03.916
So exciting.
01:10:10.208 --> 01:10:11.458
My two ferns...
01:10:13.041 --> 01:10:14.583
you know, they were destroyed and...
01:10:16.208 --> 01:10:18.166
I don't know if I can
do a show without them.
01:10:18.250 --> 01:10:20.083
You sign that contract...
01:10:21.291 --> 01:10:22.375
and I'll give you something
01:10:22.875 --> 01:10:24.333
way better than two ferns.
01:10:25.208 --> 01:10:26.208
Three ferns?
01:10:28.333 --> 01:10:30.541
- Twenty?
- No, four ferns
01:10:30.625 --> 01:10:31.625
Four fer...
01:10:32.083 --> 01:10:33.791
- Four ferns?
- Four ferns!
01:10:36.041 --> 01:10:37.666
Gaya! Come on!
01:10:39.291 --> 01:10:42.166
USA! USA!
01:10:42.250 --> 01:10:43.250
US...
01:10:55.041 --> 01:10:56.625
Hi, welcome back, I'm Zachy G,
01:10:56.708 --> 01:10:59.125
and you're watching
my first episode of...
01:10:59.583 --> 01:11:00.583
Ferns.
01:11:04.000 --> 01:11:06.708
Give it up for DJ Flop!
01:11:08.166 --> 01:11:09.666
What's going on, Zachy G?
01:11:11.458 --> 01:11:12.458
Okay,
01:11:12.708 --> 01:11:15.041
let's get to our very first guest ever.
01:11:15.583 --> 01:11:16.833
According to Wikipedia,
01:11:16.916 --> 01:11:18.666
she is 5 ft. 10,
01:11:18.791 --> 01:11:21.125
and was born April 30th, 1985.
01:11:21.416 --> 01:11:24.125
Please welcome our guest, Gal Gadot!
01:11:24.583 --> 01:11:25.666
Oh, Gal!
01:11:28.333 --> 01:11:30.250
- Hey! How are you?
- Hi.
01:11:30.333 --> 01:11:31.166
Ooh.
01:11:33.375 --> 01:11:34.375
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
01:11:34.416 --> 01:11:35.833
Thank you so much for having me.
01:11:35.916 --> 01:11:36.958
Hey, everyone.
01:11:38.125 --> 01:11:38.958
Ah.
01:11:39.041 --> 01:11:41.000
Oh, how wonderful is this?
01:11:41.083 --> 01:11:42.666
Gal Gadot's here!
01:11:43.750 --> 01:11:45.250
Thank you so much for having me,
01:11:45.333 --> 01:11:49.166
and I'm so honored
to be the first guest on your first show.
01:11:49.708 --> 01:11:51.875
I've never been someone's first before,
so that's...
01:11:53.708 --> 01:11:55.375
All right, so, uh, Gal,
01:11:55.583 --> 01:11:57.708
here comes my first question.
01:11:58.916 --> 01:12:01.291
Now, Gal, you played Wonder Woman.
01:12:01.416 --> 01:12:02.833
I'm wondering, woman,
01:12:02.958 --> 01:12:03.833
how fun was that?
01:12:06.541 --> 01:12:09.666
It was amazing, it was so much fun.
01:12:39.000 --> 01:12:41.041
The ratings are solid
in all four quadrants.
01:12:41.125 --> 01:12:42.666
A slight dip in seniors over 80,
01:12:42.750 --> 01:12:44.510
but you make up for it
with pregnant mothers,
01:12:44.541 --> 01:12:46.375
which technically
counts as watching for two.
01:12:47.125 --> 01:12:48.000
Oh, hey, guys.
01:12:48.083 --> 01:12:49.458
Can I have a minute with them?
01:12:49.541 --> 01:12:50.541
Sure.
01:12:52.708 --> 01:12:53.583
You saw that, huh?
01:12:53.666 --> 01:12:54.666
- Yeah, we did.
- Yeah.
01:12:54.708 --> 01:12:55.791
What was that all about?
01:12:55.875 --> 01:12:57.291
I thought it was so good!
01:12:57.583 --> 01:12:59.750
I mean, did you see the chemistry
between me and Gal?
01:13:00.041 --> 01:13:01.416
It was unbelievable,
01:13:01.500 --> 01:13:03.291
the back-and-forth we had.
01:13:03.375 --> 01:13:04.767
I don't think that's what Carol meant.
01:13:04.791 --> 01:13:06.916
Yeah, it's different
from what you usually do.
01:13:07.000 --> 01:13:08.125
Okay, yeah, all right, so,
01:13:08.208 --> 01:13:10.708
Mr. Ferrell and I talked about the old me,
01:13:11.333 --> 01:13:14.291
and the old me
is not gonna work for this, you guys.
01:13:15.000 --> 01:13:16.875
This is the new me, this is the new ZG.
01:13:16.958 --> 01:13:18.625
Celebrities don't wanna be insulted,
01:13:18.708 --> 01:13:20.791
they just wanna talk
about their fascinating lives.
01:13:20.916 --> 01:13:22.750
But, don't you kind of feel
like a sell-out?
01:13:22.833 --> 01:13:24.153
Can you really call it a sell-out
01:13:24.208 --> 01:13:26.208
when they give you a free Tesla
for doing the show?
01:13:26.291 --> 01:13:28.416
That's literally
the definition of selling out.
01:13:28.500 --> 01:13:30.500
Zach, do you really
wanna be like Will Ferrell?
01:13:30.583 --> 01:13:31.916
Some washed-up has-been
01:13:32.000 --> 01:13:34.208
who takes cameos in Hollywood movies
01:13:34.291 --> 01:13:36.166
just to get another day's worth
of cocaine?
01:13:36.250 --> 01:13:39.666
You know, I didn't even like you
before we took this trip to Hollywood,
01:13:39.750 --> 01:13:42.416
but at least then I knew who you were.
01:13:42.625 --> 01:13:45.333
I don't know who this person is
that you're pretending to be.
01:13:46.833 --> 01:13:48.458
So, are you just saying that I should...
01:13:49.708 --> 01:13:51.083
just forget everything? Just...
01:13:52.458 --> 01:13:54.666
just drop my dreams, my childhood dreams?
01:13:56.666 --> 01:13:59.375
Zach, we need you on set
to shoot promos for tomorrow's show.
01:14:00.708 --> 01:14:03.375
Zach, we're leaving. We're going
to drive back to North Carolina.
01:14:03.458 --> 01:14:05.875
Shirl called and said
they rebuilt the studio.
01:14:06.125 --> 01:14:07.625
We can have our old jobs back.
01:14:08.416 --> 01:14:10.500
Carol, you're the one
that told me never to give up.
01:14:11.500 --> 01:14:13.791
I know, and I still believe in you, Zach,
but...
01:14:15.125 --> 01:14:16.208
this isn't you.
01:14:17.458 --> 01:14:19.250
Zach? Are you coming?
01:14:49.000 --> 01:14:50.000
Hey, guys!
01:14:50.416 --> 01:14:51.875
Wait for me! I had to get my ferns.
01:14:51.958 --> 01:14:52.833
- Zach!
- What?
01:14:52.916 --> 01:14:55.000
We thought you chose the show over us?
01:14:55.166 --> 01:14:57.166
What, just 'cause I walked
into the studio silently
01:14:57.208 --> 01:14:58.750
without telling you what I was doing?
01:14:58.833 --> 01:14:59.833
Have more faith.
01:14:59.916 --> 01:15:01.291
Of course I'm going with you guys!
01:15:01.375 --> 01:15:02.750
- You're coming?
- Yes!
01:15:02.833 --> 01:15:04.291
- You're coming with us?
- Yes!
01:15:04.375 --> 01:15:06.583
All right! Let's go. Let's go.
01:15:06.666 --> 01:15:07.666
Yes!
01:15:08.541 --> 01:15:09.833
Carol, you were right.
01:15:10.333 --> 01:15:11.833
Hollywood's not for us.
01:15:12.625 --> 01:15:15.166
It has a need to sanitize everything,
01:15:15.250 --> 01:15:17.375
to slap a happy ending on everything.
01:15:17.458 --> 01:15:19.166
So, let's get out of here
01:15:19.583 --> 01:15:21.541
and drive off into the sunset together.
01:15:22.625 --> 01:15:24.250
'Cause all I need are my friends,
01:15:24.750 --> 01:15:25.750
my show,
01:15:26.208 --> 01:15:27.208
and my ferns.
01:15:33.708 --> 01:15:34.916
We'll just get some new ones.
01:15:35.500 --> 01:15:36.708
- I'll drive.
- Okay.
01:15:43.875 --> 01:15:45.791
Bradley Co... Bradley Coper.
01:15:46.333 --> 01:15:47.892
- Cooper. Yeah.
- Bradly Cooper co-wrote,
01:15:47.916 --> 01:15:50.208
produced, directed
and starred in A Star Is Born.
01:15:50.291 --> 01:15:51.125
I haven't seen it.
01:15:51.208 --> 01:15:54.083
Are you hoping that will open doors
for other hot idiots?
01:15:58.000 --> 01:15:59.333
It's such a good question!
01:16:02.833 --> 01:16:03.666
So sorry.
01:16:03.791 --> 01:16:05.333
- Oh...
- I'm so sorry.
01:16:05.416 --> 01:16:06.625
Let's take that one back.
01:16:06.708 --> 01:16:09.375
And, uh, we had this young woman,
01:16:09.541 --> 01:16:11.416
heroic young woman, Malala...
01:16:12.291 --> 01:16:13.666
uh, on the show,
01:16:14.250 --> 01:16:15.333
and, um...
01:16:15.750 --> 01:16:18.666
Known the world over,
not big in North America.
01:16:18.750 --> 01:16:20.625
You, I can tell by that look
01:16:20.708 --> 01:16:22.428
that you have no idea
who I'm talking about.
01:16:22.500 --> 01:16:24.340
- Yeah, I know who you're talking about.
- Who?
01:16:24.458 --> 01:16:25.958
Adam Carolla, is that who you said?
01:16:30.500 --> 01:16:32.083
That's why I have this look on my face.
01:16:33.333 --> 01:16:34.166
Wow.
01:16:34.250 --> 01:16:35.410
If you didn't have an accent,
01:16:35.458 --> 01:16:38.458
do you think people would be able
to tell that you're not a very good actor?
01:16:44.541 --> 01:16:45.541
Please keep going.
01:16:46.083 --> 01:16:48.083
I read online that you're very private
01:16:48.166 --> 01:16:50.750
and decline to answer questions
that make you feel uncomfortable.
01:16:50.833 --> 01:16:52.041
This is a two-parter.
01:16:52.750 --> 01:16:55.500
Is that true? And how old were you
when you got your period?
01:16:58.500 --> 01:16:59.875
Do you ever go to the DMZ?
01:17:00.708 --> 01:17:03.375
- No.
- It's a combination of TMZ and the DMV.
01:17:03.458 --> 01:17:05.416
That's just a bunch of people...
01:17:05.750 --> 01:17:06.916
sitting around...
01:17:08.875 --> 01:17:11.708
talking about their drivers' licenses.
01:17:14.166 --> 01:17:16.291
Talking about celebrity drivers' licenses.
01:17:17.500 --> 01:17:20.000
"Oh, my gosh,
she's got a C-class on hers."
01:17:21.333 --> 01:17:22.333
"Oh...
01:17:22.708 --> 01:17:25.333
James Franco wears corrective lenses."
01:17:31.083 --> 01:17:33.125
- You used to live in your car.
- Yeah.
01:17:33.250 --> 01:17:35.291
Is it as fun as it sounds,
or is there a downside?
01:17:42.000 --> 01:17:44.208
Would you say that your work
in La La Land
01:17:44.541 --> 01:17:45.750
really helped pave the way
01:17:45.833 --> 01:17:48.208
for white people
to explain jazz to black people?
01:17:48.291 --> 01:17:49.291
Sorry!
01:17:53.958 --> 01:17:55.838
All right. Let me get that out.
Sorry, you guys.
01:17:55.875 --> 01:17:57.916
We'll be right back
with Who Gives A Shit?
01:18:01.916 --> 01:18:04.375
I mean, what, did you
read something last night
01:18:04.458 --> 01:18:06.750
and were so eager to come
tell a bunch of young people
01:18:06.833 --> 01:18:08.125
about what you read?
01:18:09.750 --> 01:18:10.875
Yes, I did.
01:18:11.708 --> 01:18:12.916
I did do a lot of reading.
01:18:13.041 --> 01:18:15.958
When you and Woody Harrelson
are acting in a scene together,
01:18:16.041 --> 01:18:19.083
are you sad that somewhere
there's a sack not being hackied?
01:18:24.291 --> 01:18:25.291
That's good.
01:18:25.458 --> 01:18:27.041
"A sack not being hackied."
01:18:27.541 --> 01:18:30.000
What was the marijuana budget
on True Detective?
01:18:34.208 --> 01:18:35.208
And are you...
01:18:35.333 --> 01:18:37.013
Have you smoked
a lot of that budget today?
01:18:38.541 --> 01:18:39.541
Oh, shit.
01:18:39.625 --> 01:18:41.458
- You know a guy that has a Tesla?
- Mm-hmm.
01:18:44.500 --> 01:18:45.583
I won the EGOF.
01:18:45.708 --> 01:18:46.541
Hmm?
01:18:46.625 --> 01:18:47.958
- You know what an EGOT is?
- No.
01:18:48.083 --> 01:18:50.250
Oh, an EGOT! Stupid!
01:18:50.875 --> 01:18:52.666
It's amazing that this is even a thing.
01:18:53.000 --> 01:18:54.000
An EGOT?
01:18:54.041 --> 01:18:54.875
Or this thing?
01:18:54.958 --> 01:18:56.000
This.
01:18:56.083 --> 01:18:58.541
I wasn't talking about the EGOT!
I really...
01:19:00.416 --> 01:19:02.791
I was talking about this. Exactly.
01:19:05.208 --> 01:19:07.041
There's a kid on the Disney Channel.
01:19:07.500 --> 01:19:09.083
Uh, Chad...
01:19:09.500 --> 01:19:10.333
Farthouse.
01:19:10.416 --> 01:19:12.666
He's on one of...
Wizards Of Waverly Place.
01:19:17.541 --> 01:19:19.101
- Your face...
- How does anybody do this?
01:19:19.125 --> 01:19:20.125
- Sorry.
- Your face.
01:19:20.166 --> 01:19:21.375
- Sorry.
- ...is not helping.
01:19:21.458 --> 01:19:23.041
Chad Far...
01:19:24.458 --> 01:19:25.458
Do you hear that?
01:19:25.875 --> 01:19:26.958
No, I don't hear anything.
01:19:27.208 --> 01:19:28.708
That is the sound of everybody
01:19:28.791 --> 01:19:31.208
talking about your performance
in Big Little Lies.
01:19:32.916 --> 01:19:33.956
No one cares.
01:19:36.583 --> 01:19:37.583
It's so mean!
01:19:39.500 --> 01:19:41.300
Your parents got divorced
when you were seven.
01:19:42.208 --> 01:19:43.208
Was that your fault?
01:19:45.833 --> 01:19:46.666
And guess why?
01:19:46.750 --> 01:19:50.208
They named their daughter
after a fucking piece of cheese.
01:19:53.125 --> 01:19:55.833
Again, I'd like to thank
crystal meth Santa Claus for being here.
01:20:00.458 --> 01:20:03.166
Don Draper's suit
hangs in the Smithsonian Museum
01:20:03.250 --> 01:20:04.309
- Yes, it does.
- It's an honor.
01:20:04.333 --> 01:20:06.333
- Yeah!
- Right next to the Cosby sweaters?
01:20:17.708 --> 01:20:19.166
- Okay.
- No!
01:20:19.375 --> 01:20:21.083
What advice would you
give to a young actor
01:20:21.166 --> 01:20:23.458
who wants to hide his Jewishness
as well as you have?
01:20:33.500 --> 01:20:35.875
You know what happens
when a Jewish guy
01:20:36.333 --> 01:20:39.250
walks into a brick wall
with a full erection?
01:20:40.666 --> 01:20:42.166
- What?
- He breaks his nose.
01:20:44.333 --> 01:20:45.625
I knew that was the answer!
01:20:46.958 --> 01:20:48.541
I did too, and I laughed!
01:20:48.625 --> 01:20:51.345
- I've told that joke for 20...
- Did you just come up with the joke?
01:20:51.708 --> 01:20:53.250
That's a joke you've told before?
01:21:02.625 --> 01:21:03.625
And...
01:21:04.083 --> 01:21:05.541
that's the end of your movie, right?
01:21:05.958 --> 01:21:07.250
Yeah. And cut.
01:21:07.708 --> 01:21:10.333
Thanks, guys, thank you very much
for your time. Thank you.
01:21:10.458 --> 01:21:12.333
Thank you so much for doing this. Uh...
01:21:12.458 --> 01:21:15.166
I think it's gonna be good.
I hope my professor gives me an A.
01:21:15.250 --> 01:21:16.250
What?
01:21:17.291 --> 01:21:18.971
Your professor?
What are you talking about?
01:21:19.000 --> 01:21:20.625
Yeah, this is a student film.
01:21:20.875 --> 01:21:22.675
I'm a student
at Appalachian State University.
01:21:22.875 --> 01:21:23.958
Student film?
01:21:24.291 --> 01:21:25.875
Yeah, I told you that at the beginning.
01:21:25.958 --> 01:21:27.500
So, nobody's gonna see this?
01:21:27.750 --> 01:21:29.458
Well, my professor's gonna see it.
01:21:29.666 --> 01:21:30.666
And the students.
01:21:31.083 --> 01:21:32.309
There's, like, 12 people in my class.
01:21:32.333 --> 01:21:33.541
And I'll show my parents.
01:21:35.083 --> 01:21:36.603
Get the fuck out of my office, please.
01:21:37.250 --> 01:21:38.333
Excuse me?
01:21:38.416 --> 01:21:40.333
Get the fudge out of my office, please.
01:21:40.750 --> 01:21:43.767
I said "fuck" the first time, now I'm
saying "fudge" 'cause it's more polite,
01:21:43.791 --> 01:21:45.250
but get the fuck out of my office.
01:21:45.458 --> 01:21:47.125
Geez. Sorry.