WEBVTT 00:00:27.277 --> 00:00:28.944 Oh, America. 00:00:29.112 --> 00:00:31.947 I wish I could tell you that this was still America... 00:00:32.449 --> 00:00:35.951 ...but I've come to realize that you can't have a country without people. 00:00:37.370 --> 00:00:39.955 And there are no people here. 00:00:46.796 --> 00:00:49.381 No! No! 00:00:51.801 --> 00:00:54.470 Go back... Fuck! 00:00:57.140 --> 00:00:58.140 No, my friends. 00:00:58.308 --> 00:01:02.352 This is now the United States of Zombieland. 00:01:05.690 --> 00:01:10.819 It's amazing how quickly things can go from bad to total shit storm. 00:01:10.987 --> 00:01:14.364 And why am I alive when everyone around me has turned to meat? 00:01:14.699 --> 00:01:17.367 It's because of my list of rules. 00:01:17.535 --> 00:01:20.746 Rule number one for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. 00:01:22.707 --> 00:01:23.749 Fuck! 00:01:23.917 --> 00:01:26.502 When the virus struck, for obvious reasons... 00:01:26.669 --> 00:01:29.004 ...the first ones to go were the fatties. 00:01:33.343 --> 00:01:34.927 Poor fat bastard. 00:01:37.055 --> 00:01:39.681 But as the infection spread and the chaos grew... 00:01:39.849 --> 00:01:42.351 ...it wasn't enough to just be fast on your feet. 00:01:43.520 --> 00:01:46.355 You had to get a gun and learn how to use it. 00:01:46.523 --> 00:01:49.024 Which leads me to my second rule: The Double Tap. 00:01:51.528 --> 00:01:55.197 In those moments when you're not sure the undead are really "dead" dead... 00:01:55.365 --> 00:01:57.366 ...don't get all stingy with your bullets. 00:01:57.534 --> 00:02:00.369 I mean, one more clean shot to the head... 00:02:02.247 --> 00:02:06.208 ...and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. 00:02:06.376 --> 00:02:09.211 Woulda, coulda, shoulda. 00:02:09.379 --> 00:02:11.964 Wasn't long before the zombies began to get clever. 00:02:12.132 --> 00:02:15.467 When you're at your most vulnerable, somehow they could just smell it. 00:02:15.635 --> 00:02:18.887 Can't a guy take a dumper in peace? 00:02:25.061 --> 00:02:27.729 Don't let them catch you pants down. Beware of bathrooms. 00:02:31.776 --> 00:02:34.236 As zombies began to outnumber humans... 00:02:34.404 --> 00:02:37.322 ...well, that's when you had to cut all emotional ties. 00:02:37.490 --> 00:02:41.076 If the girls in your neighborhood are now fucked-up little monsters... 00:02:43.079 --> 00:02:45.956 ...well, maybe it's time to stop driving carpool. 00:02:50.587 --> 00:02:52.963 You had to focus on your own survival... 00:02:53.131 --> 00:02:55.924 ...which leads to rule number four. Pretty basic. 00:03:04.601 --> 00:03:08.437 Fasten your seat belts. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 00:04:54.252 --> 00:04:58.130 That guy down there is me. I'm in Garland, Texas. 00:04:58.298 --> 00:05:01.967 And it may look like zombies destroyed it, but that's actually just Garland. 00:05:02.135 --> 00:05:05.470 Two months since patient zero took a bite of a contaminated burger... 00:05:05.638 --> 00:05:06.930 ...at a Gas N' Gulp. 00:05:07.098 --> 00:05:11.393 Just two months, and I might be the last non-cannibal freak in the country. 00:05:11.561 --> 00:05:13.562 I may seem like an unlikely survivor... 00:05:13.730 --> 00:05:16.982 ...with all my phobias and irritable-bowel syndrome... 00:05:17.150 --> 00:05:21.403 ...but I had the advantage of never having any friends or any close family. 00:05:21.571 --> 00:05:24.156 I survive because I play it safe and follow the rules. 00:05:25.658 --> 00:05:26.908 My rules. 00:05:56.272 --> 00:05:57.939 Shit. 00:06:10.953 --> 00:06:12.621 Of course. 00:06:40.233 --> 00:06:42.192 Motherfucker. 00:07:06.676 --> 00:07:10.846 On the bright side, I had found a place to go number two. 00:07:15.184 --> 00:07:17.686 Another rule to surviving Zombieland: Travel light. 00:07:19.063 --> 00:07:21.022 And I don't mean just luggage. 00:07:21.190 --> 00:07:23.024 I've always been kind of a loner. 00:07:23.192 --> 00:07:25.193 I avoided people like they were zombies... 00:07:25.361 --> 00:07:27.070 ...even before they were zombies. 00:07:27.238 --> 00:07:30.657 Now that they are all zombies, I kind of miss people. 00:07:31.534 --> 00:07:34.244 So I'm on my way from my college dorm in Austin, Texas... 00:07:34.412 --> 00:07:38.373 ...to Columbus, Ohio, where I'm hoping my parents are still alive. 00:07:38.541 --> 00:07:40.542 Even though we were never really close... 00:07:40.710 --> 00:07:43.462 ...it would be nice to see a familiar face, or any face... 00:07:43.671 --> 00:07:47.549 ...that doesn't have blood dripping from its lips and flesh between its teeth. 00:09:16.305 --> 00:09:17.389 Thank you. 00:09:24.647 --> 00:09:27.482 - What are you looking for? - Nothing. I just have this list. 00:09:28.859 --> 00:09:30.860 No one back there but my duffel bag. 00:09:34.490 --> 00:09:37.826 - What's your name? - Stop. No names. 00:09:37.994 --> 00:09:40.078 Keeps us from getting too familiar. 00:09:41.706 --> 00:09:44.416 You almost knocked over your alcohol with your knife. 00:09:45.376 --> 00:09:48.503 - That's okay, you don't have to... - So where you headed? 00:09:50.339 --> 00:09:51.840 Columbus. You? 00:09:53.509 --> 00:09:55.510 Tallahassee. 00:09:59.390 --> 00:10:03.018 No, one for me. One and done, I always say. I said that once. 00:10:04.020 --> 00:10:09.024 You know, Tallahassee and Columbus are both east. 00:10:09.191 --> 00:10:10.442 So? 00:10:11.360 --> 00:10:13.903 So, Tallahassee, you wanna stick together? 00:10:14.071 --> 00:10:18.033 - Least for a while? - Here's the deal, Columbus. 00:10:18.868 --> 00:10:20.535 I'm not easy to get along with... 00:10:20.703 --> 00:10:23.038 ...and I'm sensing you're a bit of a bitch... 00:10:24.832 --> 00:10:27.751 ...so I give this relationship to about Texarkana. 00:10:27.918 --> 00:10:31.046 Really? Yeah. You'll take me as far as Texarkana. 00:10:31.213 --> 00:10:34.090 You're a peppy little spit-fuck, aren't you? 00:10:34.884 --> 00:10:36.885 You might wanna buckle up for safety. 00:10:37.053 --> 00:10:41.389 I can tell already you are gonna get on my nerves. 00:10:42.391 --> 00:10:44.434 Even though teaming up wasn't my style... 00:10:44.602 --> 00:10:46.770 ...I figured I'd be safer with Tallahassee. 00:10:46.937 --> 00:10:49.439 You see, he was in the ass-kicking business, and... 00:10:49.607 --> 00:10:51.441 Business is good. 00:10:52.652 --> 00:10:56.863 It became quickly apparent, however, that he did have one weakness. 00:10:57.365 --> 00:10:58.448 What are we doing here? 00:10:58.616 --> 00:11:00.909 Well, take a look. It's a goddamn Hostess truck. 00:11:01.077 --> 00:11:04.412 Yeah, I see that, a Hostess truck. So what? 00:11:04.580 --> 00:11:05.955 I could use a Twinkie. 00:11:12.505 --> 00:11:17.092 - You coming? - Yes. Yeah. One second. 00:11:20.930 --> 00:11:23.348 - Are you fucking with me? - No. 00:11:24.767 --> 00:11:26.518 You should actually limber up as well. 00:11:26.686 --> 00:11:28.687 Especially if we are going down that hill. 00:11:28.896 --> 00:11:30.146 It is very important. 00:11:30.648 --> 00:11:31.940 I don't believe in it. 00:11:32.108 --> 00:11:35.610 You ever see a lion limber up before it takes down a gazelle? 00:12:00.636 --> 00:12:01.970 - Sno Balls? - Yeah. 00:12:02.805 --> 00:12:04.973 Sno Balls? 00:12:05.307 --> 00:12:08.309 Where's the fucking Twinkies? 00:12:08.728 --> 00:12:10.353 I like Sno Balls. 00:12:10.521 --> 00:12:13.523 I hate coconut. Not the taste, consistency. 00:12:14.150 --> 00:12:15.817 Fresh. 00:12:18.154 --> 00:12:21.364 Oh, this Twinkie thing, it ain't over yet. 00:12:23.659 --> 00:12:27.245 Hey, this may be a bad time... 00:12:27.455 --> 00:12:29.748 ...but I gotta take the Browns to the Super Bowl. 00:12:29.957 --> 00:12:31.416 - Really? - Really. 00:12:38.048 --> 00:12:41.050 I know, again, so soon? What can I say? 00:12:41.218 --> 00:12:43.595 I have a case of chronic anxiety. 00:12:47.475 --> 00:12:52.604 Truth is, I was always kind of phobic. I found lots of things disturbing. 00:12:52.772 --> 00:12:56.274 Like undertow or department store Santas. 00:12:56.484 --> 00:12:57.984 Being alone with a baby. 00:13:00.029 --> 00:13:03.865 But the thing I fear more than anything, yes, even more than zombies... 00:13:05.409 --> 00:13:07.076 ...fucking clowns. 00:13:10.039 --> 00:13:12.540 When you're afraid of everything that's out there... 00:13:12.708 --> 00:13:15.043 ...you quit going out there... 00:13:15.211 --> 00:13:17.712 ...which is what happened to me before Zombieland. 00:13:18.047 --> 00:13:21.758 Friday night, third straight week indoors. 00:13:21.926 --> 00:13:23.760 "World of Warcraft"... 00:13:23.928 --> 00:13:26.054 ...leaning tower of pizza boxes... 00:13:26.222 --> 00:13:28.306 ...Code Red Mountain Dew. 00:13:28.516 --> 00:13:30.600 Pride, nowhere. 00:13:30.768 --> 00:13:32.477 Dignity, long gone. 00:13:32.645 --> 00:13:35.230 Virginity, totally justifiable to speculate on. 00:13:35.397 --> 00:13:37.232 Smooth. 00:13:37.399 --> 00:13:40.068 My whole life, all I'd ever wanted was to find a girl... 00:13:40.236 --> 00:13:43.655 ...and fall in love, bring her home to meet the folks. 00:13:43.823 --> 00:13:46.741 Then again, since my folks are paranoid shut-ins like me... 00:13:46.909 --> 00:13:49.410 ...maybe this girl could bring me home to her folks. 00:13:49.578 --> 00:13:53.998 And then I'd finally be a member of a cool, functional family. 00:13:54.166 --> 00:13:56.084 408. 00:13:56.252 --> 00:13:59.254 Please, is anyone home? Please, it's an emergency. 00:13:59.755 --> 00:14:02.423 I don't usually unlock my door to the sounds of panic... 00:14:02.591 --> 00:14:04.509 ...but my neighbor 406 is insanely hot. 00:14:04.677 --> 00:14:06.094 Okay, okay. 00:14:10.558 --> 00:14:13.935 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 00:14:14.103 --> 00:14:15.770 Nice to meet you. 00:14:20.442 --> 00:14:22.193 Here. 00:14:22.945 --> 00:14:24.612 There you go. 00:14:29.451 --> 00:14:31.703 - Mountain Dew? - Yeah. Code Red. 00:14:31.871 --> 00:14:35.623 And here's some Golden Grahams. The Ziploc bag keeps them crisp. 00:14:36.083 --> 00:14:38.626 Okay. Keep that there. 00:14:39.169 --> 00:14:41.212 So tell me what happened. 00:14:42.965 --> 00:14:47.010 He was homeless and sick. 00:14:47.177 --> 00:14:50.054 And I was walking home from the bar, talking on my phone... 00:14:50.222 --> 00:14:54.309 ...and then he just came sprinting towards me. 00:14:54.476 --> 00:14:57.604 I mean, not running, sprinting. 00:14:58.355 --> 00:15:01.816 And I thought, you know, like, maybe he was running from someone... 00:15:01.984 --> 00:15:07.238 ...or after someone, but last time I saw he was still out there going crazy. 00:15:07.406 --> 00:15:08.531 Drugs, maybe? 00:15:10.993 --> 00:15:13.036 I didn't even tell you the worst part. 00:15:14.330 --> 00:15:15.997 Yeah? 00:15:16.415 --> 00:15:17.999 He tried to bite me. 00:15:20.002 --> 00:15:25.673 - You're right, that's the worst part. - I'm sorry. I'm just so scared. 00:15:25.841 --> 00:15:29.844 No, no, no, you should be scared. A homeless man just tried to eat you. 00:15:30.012 --> 00:15:32.430 That's the right kind of scared. That's reasonable. 00:15:32.640 --> 00:15:36.392 I get scared for things that don't make sense, like clowns with red noses... 00:15:36.560 --> 00:15:41.105 ...or the rags they use to wipe tables when you finish eating at a restaurant. 00:15:41.273 --> 00:15:42.941 Really? 00:15:43.150 --> 00:15:46.861 Look, the point is I am here for you, okay? 00:15:47.029 --> 00:15:50.531 And as long as you are by my side, I am not leaving this apartment. 00:15:50.699 --> 00:15:53.368 Do you mind if I just close my eyes for a minute? 00:15:53.535 --> 00:15:55.203 No, of course. Of course. 00:15:55.371 --> 00:15:57.956 - Thank you. - Okay. 00:15:59.041 --> 00:16:01.292 Set aside the feverish, homeless cannibal... 00:16:01.460 --> 00:16:03.378 ...l'm living the dream. 00:16:03.545 --> 00:16:05.630 I had always, my whole life... 00:16:05.798 --> 00:16:09.425 ...wanted to brush a girl's hair over her ear. 00:16:10.052 --> 00:16:12.387 - Good night. - Good night. 00:16:27.444 --> 00:16:29.278 Oh, my God. 00:16:29.822 --> 00:16:31.072 Are you okay? 00:16:36.704 --> 00:16:38.413 Okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop. 00:16:39.498 --> 00:16:41.082 What are you doing? 00:16:47.589 --> 00:16:51.092 Look, stay back, 406, okay? I don't wanna hurt you, but... 00:16:51.260 --> 00:16:52.593 Shit. 00:17:04.356 --> 00:17:07.025 Oh, my God, I'm so fucking sorry. 00:17:45.564 --> 00:17:47.523 You see, you just can't trust anyone. 00:17:47.983 --> 00:17:51.402 The first time I let a girl into my life and she tries to eat me. 00:18:05.501 --> 00:18:09.087 Please. Listen to me. 00:18:09.296 --> 00:18:11.214 406. 00:18:11.548 --> 00:18:13.424 If you're in there... 00:18:14.927 --> 00:18:17.887 ...you're just sick. Okay? 00:18:33.695 --> 00:18:37.240 That was my first brush with the plague of the 21 st century. 00:18:37.407 --> 00:18:39.033 Remember mad cow disease? 00:18:39.201 --> 00:18:42.537 Well, mad cow became mad person became mad zombie. 00:18:42.704 --> 00:18:46.749 It's a fast-acting virus that left you with a swollen brain, a raging fever... 00:18:46.917 --> 00:18:48.918 ...that made you hateful, violent... 00:18:49.086 --> 00:18:51.921 ...and gave you a really, really bad case of the munchies. 00:18:52.089 --> 00:18:54.132 All right, you steer, I'll push. 00:18:55.384 --> 00:18:59.887 Okay. 00:19:02.141 --> 00:19:04.892 I've heard there's a place that's untouched by this crap. 00:19:05.060 --> 00:19:07.562 - Back east, yeah? - Yeah. You heard the same thing? 00:19:08.105 --> 00:19:12.275 Out west, we hear it's back east. Back east, they hear it's out west. 00:19:12.442 --> 00:19:15.278 It's all just nonsense. 00:19:15.445 --> 00:19:17.947 You know, you're like a penguin on the North Pole... 00:19:18.115 --> 00:19:21.284 ...who hears the South Pole is really nice this time of year. 00:19:21.451 --> 00:19:24.162 There are no penguins on the North Pole. 00:19:25.414 --> 00:19:27.915 You wanna feel how hard I can punch? 00:19:30.002 --> 00:19:31.335 So, what do you think? 00:19:31.503 --> 00:19:34.005 Wait, the last time I laid some pipe? 00:19:34.173 --> 00:19:37.758 Last time you went 20 toes, put Percy in the playpen? 00:19:37.926 --> 00:19:38.926 Who's Percy? 00:19:39.094 --> 00:19:41.470 Wallpapered the closet, passed the gravy. 00:19:41.638 --> 00:19:44.807 - Went heels to Jesus. - Oh, made love. 00:19:44.975 --> 00:19:46.767 Well, just sex. 00:19:50.105 --> 00:19:51.606 Three weeks ago. Yeah. 00:19:51.773 --> 00:19:53.608 In the back of an abandoned FedEx truck. 00:19:53.942 --> 00:19:58.112 - Shut up. - No, no, I was headed east. 00:19:58.280 --> 00:20:00.448 She, west. 00:20:00.616 --> 00:20:02.783 And we took shelter in the back of the truck. 00:20:02.951 --> 00:20:05.953 - It was full of undelivered packages. - What was her name? 00:20:06.622 --> 00:20:08.039 Beverly. 00:20:08.207 --> 00:20:09.373 Beverly Hills. 00:20:09.541 --> 00:20:10.708 You dog. 00:20:13.295 --> 00:20:15.296 So, what about you? 00:20:15.631 --> 00:20:18.466 Me? I... 00:20:19.176 --> 00:20:21.219 Aye, aye, aye. 00:20:24.806 --> 00:20:27.475 Oh, my God. It makes you sick. 00:20:27.643 --> 00:20:30.478 You know, it makes you sad, it makes you... 00:20:30.646 --> 00:20:34.148 It makes you think if you can go back to the way things were right now... 00:20:34.316 --> 00:20:35.566 ...you know, you'd be... 00:20:35.734 --> 00:20:38.945 You'd be out in the backyard, you know, trying to catch fireflies. 00:20:40.322 --> 00:20:41.530 And instead this. 00:20:44.826 --> 00:20:47.411 - I mean, it makes you... - Hungry. 00:20:47.579 --> 00:20:49.163 I'm worried about you. 00:20:49.331 --> 00:20:52.333 Look, whatever you have waiting for you in Columbus... 00:20:52.501 --> 00:20:57.046 ...I promise you it ain't prettier than our friend here enjoying her Manwich. 00:21:04.471 --> 00:21:07.848 Tallahassee had a sick sense of humor when it came to zombies. 00:21:08.016 --> 00:21:11.477 Zombies aren't the most lovable creatures, but he really hated them. 00:21:11.687 --> 00:21:14.730 The only thing he was more obsessed with than killing zombies... 00:21:14.898 --> 00:21:16.190 ...was finding a Twinkie. 00:21:16.358 --> 00:21:19.694 Something about a Twinkie reminded him of a time not so long ago... 00:21:19.861 --> 00:21:23.447 ...when things were simple and not so fucking psychotic. 00:21:23.615 --> 00:21:26.867 It was like if he got a taste of that comforting childhood treat... 00:21:27.035 --> 00:21:31.205 ...the world would become innocent, and everything would return to normal. 00:21:31.373 --> 00:21:33.124 What, are you prospecting? 00:21:33.875 --> 00:21:35.042 Jesus Christ. 00:21:35.752 --> 00:21:37.128 You are a dangerous man. 00:21:38.797 --> 00:21:41.716 You're gonna risk our lives for a Twinkie? 00:21:41.883 --> 00:21:44.719 There is a box of Twinkies in that grocery store. 00:21:44.886 --> 00:21:46.721 Not just any box of Twinkies. 00:21:46.888 --> 00:21:51.892 The last box of Twinkies that anyone will enjoy in the whole universe. 00:21:52.060 --> 00:21:54.895 Believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date. 00:21:56.064 --> 00:22:02.069 Someday very soon, life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty. 00:22:02.904 --> 00:22:05.906 Time to nut up or shut up. 00:22:08.076 --> 00:22:10.077 When Tallahassee goes Hulk on a zombie... 00:22:10.245 --> 00:22:13.122 ...he sets the standard for not-to-be-fucked-with. 00:22:13.290 --> 00:22:15.082 No fear, nothing to lose. 00:22:15.667 --> 00:22:19.253 What can I say? It's like... It's like art. 00:22:37.356 --> 00:22:38.939 You got a pretty mouth. 00:22:49.701 --> 00:22:50.993 Don't swing, don't swing. 00:22:51.453 --> 00:22:53.079 Swing. 00:22:58.085 --> 00:23:00.086 - Thank you. - You owe me. 00:23:01.963 --> 00:23:03.631 Yeah. 00:23:03.799 --> 00:23:04.965 You're incredible. 00:23:05.133 --> 00:23:06.509 - I know. - Yeah. 00:23:06.676 --> 00:23:10.137 Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie, Twinkie. 00:23:11.306 --> 00:23:12.807 Big Hoss. 00:23:19.147 --> 00:23:22.316 Come here, big fella. Just gonna take a little off the top. 00:23:29.658 --> 00:23:32.243 Wow, these fellas really let themselves go. 00:23:32.661 --> 00:23:34.495 And they're so fat. 00:23:34.663 --> 00:23:36.872 I think we should probably just keep going. 00:23:40.544 --> 00:23:43.170 All I could think of was, what are the odds? 00:23:43.338 --> 00:23:46.924 Another marriageable woman to bring home to the folks. 00:23:47.134 --> 00:23:48.342 Come quick. 00:23:49.177 --> 00:23:52.680 Someone's ear is in danger of having hair brushed over it. 00:23:55.183 --> 00:23:56.684 Hey. 00:23:57.144 --> 00:23:59.019 I'll catch up. 00:24:01.648 --> 00:24:04.900 Rule number 22: When in doubt, know your way out. 00:24:14.453 --> 00:24:17.121 They're sisters. The little one's been bitten. 00:24:17.289 --> 00:24:19.540 Act normal. Try not to freak her out. 00:24:19.708 --> 00:24:21.459 Yeah. 00:24:22.961 --> 00:24:25.463 Columbus, Wichita, Little Rock. 00:24:27.716 --> 00:24:30.217 So you did all this for a Twinkie? 00:24:30.719 --> 00:24:35.473 No, no, no, he did. I'm just kind of like a Sancho Panza character. 00:24:37.726 --> 00:24:39.768 Look, I don't think she has long. 00:24:39.936 --> 00:24:44.106 Yeah, I know. I know, and she knows. We're just looking for a way out. 00:24:45.400 --> 00:24:47.943 No, no, no, no. She's just a little girl. 00:24:48.195 --> 00:24:50.070 Don't talk about me like I'm not here. 00:24:50.822 --> 00:24:53.115 Right, sorry. 00:24:53.283 --> 00:24:57.912 Look, I know that you're really sick. 00:24:58.330 --> 00:25:00.456 But your sister wants me to... 00:25:00.624 --> 00:25:03.209 It's not her decision, okay? It's mine. 00:25:03.919 --> 00:25:05.252 I made her promise. 00:25:07.088 --> 00:25:09.924 We already said goodbye, but we didn't have a gun. 00:25:10.300 --> 00:25:13.719 - We don't know that there's no cure. - You're just gutless! 00:25:14.930 --> 00:25:16.096 Give him the gun. 00:25:32.989 --> 00:25:35.783 Wait, wait, wait. 00:25:38.620 --> 00:25:39.662 I'll do it. 00:25:57.305 --> 00:26:00.266 - I love you. - I love you too. 00:26:10.485 --> 00:26:11.652 You need some help? 00:26:12.362 --> 00:26:14.530 Now that you mention it... 00:26:14.698 --> 00:26:17.324 ...we'll take your weapons, car keys, your ammunition. 00:26:17.492 --> 00:26:20.786 - And if you've got it, sugarless gum. - What the fuck? 00:26:22.163 --> 00:26:24.582 Wait, why are you guys doing this? 00:26:24.791 --> 00:26:26.917 Better you make the mistake of trusting us... 00:26:27.085 --> 00:26:29.169 ...than us make the mistake of trusting you. 00:26:32.007 --> 00:26:35.759 The first hot girl in 1000 miles shows up, makes me feel like an idiot... 00:26:35.927 --> 00:26:40.014 ...steals my double-barrel and then says I'm the one that can't be trusted. 00:26:44.352 --> 00:26:45.686 Nice going, genius. 00:26:45.854 --> 00:26:47.855 You're the one that gave her the gun. 00:26:48.023 --> 00:26:50.608 Those guys were dumb. 00:26:52.694 --> 00:26:54.570 Avoid the vanity mirror. 00:26:54.738 --> 00:26:57.031 Relax, okay? I just passed for a zombie. 00:26:59.117 --> 00:27:02.953 - What I'd give for a shower... - Do not say S-H-O-W-E-R, okay? 00:27:03.872 --> 00:27:06.040 Let's just get where we're going. 00:27:06.207 --> 00:27:09.043 - So do you think it's true? - Is what true? 00:27:09.210 --> 00:27:11.211 You know, about Pacific Playland? 00:27:11.379 --> 00:27:15.382 Totally zombie-free. Only place west of Waco. 00:27:16.968 --> 00:27:18.886 Trust me. 00:27:21.222 --> 00:27:23.641 He's on one of these serious Tour de France bikes... 00:27:23.850 --> 00:27:25.976 You know, with, like, the toeholds, right? 00:27:26.144 --> 00:27:31.148 - and he's pedaling, and the zombie's head is, like, caught in the gear. 00:27:31.358 --> 00:27:35.069 You know, with the hair in the chain just, like, going around. 00:27:35.236 --> 00:27:37.071 Very cool. 00:27:37.238 --> 00:27:42.159 But zombie kill of the week? No, sir. 00:27:42.369 --> 00:27:46.246 I saw this construction worker. I shit you not... 00:27:46.414 --> 00:27:49.833 ...he is on a steamroller, and a zombie goes down in front of him. 00:27:50.001 --> 00:27:52.586 You ever roll a tube of toothpaste up from the bottom? 00:27:52.754 --> 00:27:57.174 - I always roll it up from the bottom. - Well, the zombie's head is the cap. 00:27:57.384 --> 00:28:00.678 Are you one of these guys that tries to one-up everybody else's story? 00:28:00.887 --> 00:28:05.015 No. I knew a guy way worse at that than me. 00:28:05.183 --> 00:28:07.267 All right, let's just try to find a car. 00:28:07.435 --> 00:28:08.477 Which reminds me... 00:28:08.645 --> 00:28:11.647 ...I never had headaches like this till your ass came onboard. 00:28:11.815 --> 00:28:16.360 I mean, do what you want with a man, but do not fuck with his Cadillac. 00:28:16.528 --> 00:28:17.778 Hey, there's a nice minivan. 00:28:17.946 --> 00:28:20.531 Oh, you know something? That is nice. 00:28:20.699 --> 00:28:22.032 That's a beautiful van. 00:28:24.285 --> 00:28:27.329 Tallahassee believes you have to blow off steam in Zombieland... 00:28:27.497 --> 00:28:30.124 ...or else you lose what's left of your mind. 00:28:30.291 --> 00:28:33.627 If it makes him happy and keeps him from using that crowbar on me... 00:28:33.795 --> 00:28:36.338 ...then I say, "Hey, go ape shit." 00:28:36.506 --> 00:28:38.549 I want my Caddy back! 00:28:39.426 --> 00:28:42.511 Stupid little bitches! 00:28:48.476 --> 00:28:52.062 Oh, I think I pulled something. 00:28:53.148 --> 00:28:56.483 Think the two of us are smart enough to come up with a con like that? 00:29:00.655 --> 00:29:02.823 You hesitated. 00:29:04.492 --> 00:29:08.996 Is it better to be smart or lucky? 00:29:09.372 --> 00:29:12.458 Look at what we got here. 00:29:34.689 --> 00:29:35.898 Come on. 00:29:40.487 --> 00:29:42.988 - That's nice. - Smell the finger? 00:29:47.535 --> 00:29:48.786 Yes. 00:29:53.041 --> 00:29:56.210 Thank God for rednecks. 00:29:56.377 --> 00:29:58.879 This is a really big truck... 00:29:59.047 --> 00:30:03.801 ...and these are really big guns. 00:30:04.010 --> 00:30:05.636 Take your time. 00:30:29.077 --> 00:30:31.161 You know, they say, "He who seeks revenge... 00:30:31.329 --> 00:30:33.163 ...should remember to dig two graves." 00:30:33.331 --> 00:30:37.543 Right. Two graves. One for the big chick, one for the little chick. 00:30:37.836 --> 00:30:39.127 You are scary happy. 00:30:42.298 --> 00:30:45.509 Come on, why don't we just forget about those girls and head home? 00:30:45.677 --> 00:30:47.928 Oh, you want to talk about home? 00:30:48.805 --> 00:30:53.433 For me, home was a puppy named Buck. 00:30:54.102 --> 00:30:55.936 Cutest dog ever. 00:31:03.319 --> 00:31:05.654 All those fucking zombies. 00:31:06.698 --> 00:31:07.781 I lost him. 00:31:08.575 --> 00:31:14.079 And there ain't no getting him back, so I'm looking for a new home. 00:31:14.956 --> 00:31:19.167 Tomorrow, I may be skinny-dipping in the Yellowstone River... 00:31:19.377 --> 00:31:22.880 ...or swinging from the chandeliers in the Playboy Mansion... 00:31:23.089 --> 00:31:27.467 ...but today, a Vortec six-fucking-liter V8... 00:31:27.635 --> 00:31:31.388 ...a box full of hollow points, and, Lord willing, a GD Twinkie. 00:31:33.308 --> 00:31:36.226 Gotta enjoy the little things. 00:31:37.729 --> 00:31:40.731 I hate to give credit to anyone who looks like Yosemite Sam... 00:31:40.899 --> 00:31:42.316 ...but I'm writing it down. 00:31:42.483 --> 00:31:44.985 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 00:31:53.202 --> 00:31:55.370 Knowing them, it's a trap. 00:31:55.538 --> 00:31:58.916 Wait here. Drive down if I signal. 00:31:59.125 --> 00:32:01.209 You're not gonna shoot them, are you? 00:32:01.377 --> 00:32:04.129 Not unless they shoot at me. 00:32:04.422 --> 00:32:07.382 Oh, let's hope they shoot at me. 00:32:57.725 --> 00:33:00.143 Looks like they hoofed it. 00:33:00.311 --> 00:33:02.646 Probably headed west. 00:33:02.814 --> 00:33:04.815 Just drive slow, keep your eyes peeled. 00:33:04.983 --> 00:33:06.733 Sure. 00:33:10.488 --> 00:33:13.615 - They're in the back, aren't they? - Just me. 00:33:14.450 --> 00:33:17.202 I'm really sorry. She was like a crouching tiger. 00:33:17.620 --> 00:33:20.706 You got taken hostage by a 12-year-old? 00:33:20.915 --> 00:33:24.418 Girls mature faster than boys. She's way ahead of where I was at that age. 00:33:24.585 --> 00:33:27.754 Twelve's the new 20. Gun, please. 00:33:27.922 --> 00:33:30.132 Like you would ever use that thing. 00:33:30.299 --> 00:33:33.260 Don't kill me with my own gun! 00:33:33.428 --> 00:33:35.137 All those violent video games. 00:33:35.304 --> 00:33:37.097 - Yeah. - Thank you. 00:33:37.265 --> 00:33:39.016 - Now honk your horn. - What? 00:33:39.225 --> 00:33:40.809 Honk it. 00:33:45.606 --> 00:33:48.150 It's your sister, with my gun. Hello. 00:33:52.488 --> 00:33:53.864 Bummer. 00:33:55.324 --> 00:33:57.284 Now step away from the vehicle. 00:33:59.787 --> 00:34:02.164 You get to ride shotgun. 00:34:09.338 --> 00:34:11.214 I kind of like this girl. 00:34:11.382 --> 00:34:14.634 She's not your typical hot, stuck-up bitch. 00:34:15.136 --> 00:34:19.765 Even before Zombieland, Wichita was running the table on guys like us. 00:34:34.155 --> 00:34:37.657 - What are you looking for? - My engagement ring. 00:34:38.576 --> 00:34:42.412 I took it off to pump my gas, and I thought that I put it in my purse... 00:34:42.580 --> 00:34:45.749 ...but it must've fallen out, and I'm late for my flight and... 00:34:45.917 --> 00:34:50.003 Well, listen, I'll find your ring, and I'll FedEx it to you. 00:34:50.505 --> 00:34:52.005 I'll give you a reward. 00:34:52.173 --> 00:34:53.381 Don't be silly. 00:34:53.549 --> 00:34:57.511 Three thousand dollars. It's worth more than my car. 00:34:58.513 --> 00:35:00.055 Just give me your number. 00:35:01.390 --> 00:35:03.183 Yeah. I'll find it. 00:35:03.684 --> 00:35:05.727 Yeah, I'll start looking for it right now. 00:35:05.895 --> 00:35:08.188 Because I got nothing else to do. 00:35:08.356 --> 00:35:10.273 I was engaged once... 00:35:10.441 --> 00:35:12.692 ...but I'm single now. 00:35:15.071 --> 00:35:16.530 Bye-bye. 00:35:19.367 --> 00:35:21.701 Hope you make your flight. 00:35:27.333 --> 00:35:29.292 No, but I know it's around here somewhere. 00:35:29.460 --> 00:35:31.878 She's on a plane, that's the beauty of it. 00:35:35.550 --> 00:35:37.050 Let me call you back. 00:35:37.218 --> 00:35:39.761 Hey, you found my ring. 00:35:40.555 --> 00:35:43.056 Thanks. I've been looking all over for it. 00:35:43.224 --> 00:35:45.475 - Your ring? - Well, it's my friend's, you know. 00:35:45.643 --> 00:35:48.353 - I'm gonna send it to her. - Do I get a reward? 00:35:48.896 --> 00:35:53.441 Forty, 60, 80, 400. 00:35:53.609 --> 00:35:56.570 That's it. That's the whole register. 00:35:58.990 --> 00:36:00.448 You made someone very happy. 00:36:02.076 --> 00:36:03.118 You too. 00:36:10.418 --> 00:36:12.419 Nice. 00:36:12.753 --> 00:36:14.504 How many left? 00:36:15.590 --> 00:36:17.465 Let me see. 00:36:19.802 --> 00:36:21.761 Enough for us to get to California. 00:36:22.763 --> 00:36:24.639 Someday, I want a ring this big. 00:36:24.807 --> 00:36:26.933 For the low price of 30 bucks, sold. 00:36:29.312 --> 00:36:32.314 It's amazing how far you can get with some costume jewelry... 00:36:32.481 --> 00:36:33.940 ...and a cutthroat attitude. 00:36:34.108 --> 00:36:37.986 I guess we're just lucky they didn't leave us by the side of the road. 00:36:39.822 --> 00:36:41.781 Thank you, Wichita. Thanks, Little Rock. 00:36:47.163 --> 00:36:50.457 For fuck's sake, enough! We're being chased by ravenous freaks! 00:36:50.625 --> 00:36:52.626 We don't have enough problems? 00:36:52.793 --> 00:36:55.128 "They stole my Hummer. We have trust issues." 00:36:55.296 --> 00:36:57.380 We can't just fucking drive down the road... 00:36:57.548 --> 00:37:01.176 ...playing I Spy or some shit for hours like four normal-ass Americans? 00:37:01.636 --> 00:37:02.969 Fuck me! 00:37:04.013 --> 00:37:05.138 I know. 00:37:07.183 --> 00:37:08.725 Let me be the mature one. 00:37:10.311 --> 00:37:11.645 Good. 00:37:22.990 --> 00:37:25.742 So where are you guys headed? 00:37:25.952 --> 00:37:28.161 Pacific Playland. 00:37:28.329 --> 00:37:29.579 The amusement park? 00:37:29.747 --> 00:37:33.083 - Wait, outside L.A.? - Yeah. We went there as kids. 00:37:33.251 --> 00:37:35.168 That place totally blows. 00:37:37.338 --> 00:37:39.923 My mind. It's so fun. 00:37:40.091 --> 00:37:42.842 Just good entertainment for the whole family. 00:37:43.010 --> 00:37:47.180 Yeah, I went there as a kid too. In fact, this probably counts as off-season. 00:37:47.348 --> 00:37:49.849 Well, did you guys hear? There are no zombies there. 00:37:50.017 --> 00:37:51.393 Yeah, we heard. 00:37:51.560 --> 00:37:56.523 You know, I may not shoot you, but you have still royally pissed me off... 00:37:56.691 --> 00:38:00.360 ...and I'm not going to play with you at Pacific Playland. 00:38:02.196 --> 00:38:04.864 - Don't worry, he grows on you. - Really? 00:38:05.032 --> 00:38:06.574 No. It gets worse. 00:38:06.742 --> 00:38:09.202 Okay. How about we play the quiet game? 00:38:09.370 --> 00:38:10.870 Yeah? Starting now. 00:38:13.541 --> 00:38:15.542 Oh, I've actually been meaning to ask you: 00:38:15.710 --> 00:38:17.961 Did you hear anything about Columbus, Ohio? 00:38:18.129 --> 00:38:20.422 - You never played the quiet game? - Sorry. 00:38:20.589 --> 00:38:22.757 No? Well, they're playing it in Columbus. 00:38:22.925 --> 00:38:26.052 It's a total ghost town. It's burned to the ground. 00:38:34.812 --> 00:38:35.937 You're Columbus. 00:38:37.315 --> 00:38:38.898 I'm sorry. 00:38:39.066 --> 00:38:41.651 I didn't realize it was... 00:38:42.403 --> 00:38:45.739 I'm not sure what's more tragic: that my family is gone... 00:38:45.906 --> 00:38:49.784 ...or the realization that I never really had much of a family to begin with. 00:38:49.952 --> 00:38:53.955 Either way, I can't pretend that what I'm looking for I'll find by going home. 00:38:54.123 --> 00:38:56.249 I have no home. 00:38:58.461 --> 00:39:02.047 We can get you a ride. 00:39:03.341 --> 00:39:06.509 You know, you can go see for yourself... 00:39:06.677 --> 00:39:09.095 ...or settle somewhere new. 00:39:09.764 --> 00:39:11.139 Okay. 00:39:12.266 --> 00:39:14.768 I could tell she knew what I was feeling. 00:39:15.269 --> 00:39:18.271 We were all orphans in Zombieland. 00:39:31.327 --> 00:39:34.788 I know this Pacific Playland thing is nuts... 00:39:36.832 --> 00:39:40.335 ...but it's just been so long since she got to be a kid. 00:39:40.669 --> 00:39:43.338 Yeah, it's tough growing up in Zombieland. 00:39:43.506 --> 00:39:45.882 It's tough growing up. 00:39:51.347 --> 00:39:52.680 There. 00:39:52.848 --> 00:39:54.682 You could take that truck. 00:39:59.480 --> 00:40:04.025 Well, I hope you find whoever it is you're looking for. 00:40:06.028 --> 00:40:09.406 And don't let go, once you do. 00:40:22.336 --> 00:40:25.338 It wasn't just because I had nowhere else to go. 00:40:25.506 --> 00:40:29.217 It was because, in that moment, it became clear. 00:40:29.385 --> 00:40:33.847 Wherever this girl was, that's where I wanted to be. 00:40:52.408 --> 00:40:57.203 Man, we're gonna have to pull over soon. I'm feeling cooped up. 00:40:58.539 --> 00:41:00.540 "Wantum your wampum." Yeah. That'll work. 00:41:00.708 --> 00:41:05.378 - Okay, but what the hell are we doing? - Just humor him. Trust me. 00:41:16.807 --> 00:41:18.308 Hold up. 00:41:19.685 --> 00:41:21.561 Who wants to go first? 00:41:21.729 --> 00:41:25.106 I really, really wanna impress Wichita... 00:41:25.274 --> 00:41:27.442 ...but it would be in violation of rule 17... 00:41:27.610 --> 00:41:30.320 ...maybe the most important rule of all: Don't be a hero. 00:41:31.739 --> 00:41:35.450 - Why don't you take this one? - Don't mind if I do. 00:41:49.840 --> 00:41:52.175 What do you think? Zombie kill of the week? 00:41:53.594 --> 00:41:55.595 Close, but no cigar. Kill of the week... 00:41:55.763 --> 00:41:58.264 ...goes to Sister Cynthia Knickerbocker. 00:42:03.354 --> 00:42:04.771 Poor flat bastard. 00:42:27.169 --> 00:42:29.128 - Perfume? - What? 00:42:29.296 --> 00:42:31.381 Is that perfume? 00:42:32.466 --> 00:42:33.800 It's cologne. 00:42:33.968 --> 00:42:36.135 I'm thinking... 00:42:36.303 --> 00:42:37.512 ...Lancôme Magnifique. 00:42:37.680 --> 00:42:39.472 Why don't you speak up a little? 00:42:39.640 --> 00:42:42.141 I think they might have missed it in Santa Fe. 00:42:44.687 --> 00:42:47.814 - Oh, my God. - All right. Okay. 00:42:48.649 --> 00:42:51.359 You're thinking about fucking Wichita. 00:42:52.486 --> 00:42:56.072 Wish granted. She spent the last 24 hours fucking us both. 00:42:57.074 --> 00:42:58.700 Hey. 00:43:00.160 --> 00:43:01.911 Good luck now, Petunia. 00:43:08.877 --> 00:43:10.503 Okay. 00:43:10.671 --> 00:43:14.424 Let me begin by saying you're a wonderful human with great potential. 00:43:14.592 --> 00:43:20.013 It's okay, but FYI, I beat wholesale ass for a lot less than that. 00:43:20.889 --> 00:43:25.518 - I'm sure. - You get 45 percent power. 00:43:25.686 --> 00:43:27.020 Thank you. 00:43:28.522 --> 00:43:31.399 Yeah. Come on, break another one. 00:43:35.696 --> 00:43:37.322 Nice. 00:43:40.117 --> 00:43:41.367 Doesn't that feel good? 00:44:31.085 --> 00:44:34.128 Tallahassee's right. You gotta enjoy the little things... 00:44:35.506 --> 00:44:38.591 ...even if that means destroying a whole lot of little things. 00:44:41.762 --> 00:44:44.097 Smells like perfume. 00:44:46.475 --> 00:44:49.936 - You don't know who Willie Nelson is? - No. 00:44:50.938 --> 00:44:52.355 Willie Nelson? 00:44:52.523 --> 00:44:54.440 Yeah, no, I don't. 00:44:54.817 --> 00:44:59.153 I shave every morning, but sometimes by, like, 4:30, I'll have a thing. 00:44:59.321 --> 00:45:02.323 It's called 5:00 shadow, but sometimes I'll get it prematurely. 00:45:02.491 --> 00:45:06.452 Since it's a freeway, you can get it up to, like, 65, but don't go more than 75. 00:45:06.620 --> 00:45:10.373 - You don't wanna go more than 20. - Don't worry about a blind spot. 00:45:10.541 --> 00:45:12.542 Blind spots are for other drivers. 00:45:12.710 --> 00:45:15.378 It's like the first time that I've ever driven. 00:45:15.546 --> 00:45:19.716 So do you never strap in or it's just on long road trips? 00:45:19.925 --> 00:45:24.470 It's just there's zombies everywhere. I think the least of my worries... 00:45:24.638 --> 00:45:26.681 - Yeah, that's true. ...is seat belts. 00:45:26.849 --> 00:45:28.015 Yes, but, no, she's not. 00:45:28.183 --> 00:45:31.644 She's only famous when she's Hannah Montana, when she's wearing the wig. 00:45:31.812 --> 00:45:34.188 - Right. Only wig. - So... 00:45:38.152 --> 00:45:40.236 It's kind of freeing. 00:45:40.446 --> 00:45:42.321 Yeah. 00:45:44.032 --> 00:45:48.244 For the first time in a long time, we were having fun. 00:45:48.454 --> 00:45:50.830 So even though it ran counter to our strategies... 00:45:50.998 --> 00:45:53.833 ...we decided to stay together as far as Pacific Playland. 00:46:22.863 --> 00:46:26.199 I think sleep deprivation is the number one health problem in America. 00:46:26.366 --> 00:46:28.618 Well, now I think it might be number two. 00:46:29.244 --> 00:46:32.288 - Number two. - That's adorable. 00:46:32.498 --> 00:46:35.708 - I think we should find a place to crash. - Oh, I got an idea. 00:46:35.876 --> 00:46:39.545 We're in Hollywood, let's sleep in style. 00:46:44.510 --> 00:46:46.260 Grab a map. 00:46:52.267 --> 00:46:53.810 Come on. 00:46:54.019 --> 00:46:55.812 Hurry! Hurry! 00:46:56.021 --> 00:46:58.064 Good job. 00:47:03.654 --> 00:47:06.823 Looks like anyone who's ever been in a movie lives on this block. 00:47:07.032 --> 00:47:10.451 What exactly you think we're doing in the 90210, Sally? 00:47:10.911 --> 00:47:13.120 I pictured Tom Cruise living somewhere nicer. 00:47:13.288 --> 00:47:17.333 B-lister compared to who I got in mind, folks. 00:47:17.543 --> 00:47:20.586 We're going to the tippy-top of the A-list. 00:47:20.754 --> 00:47:22.588 - Who? - You'll see. 00:47:29.263 --> 00:47:30.596 Hey. There's a big BM. 00:47:31.974 --> 00:47:33.808 And it ain't Bob Marley. 00:47:40.607 --> 00:47:43.067 This place is incredible. 00:47:53.203 --> 00:47:59.375 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to la mançion de Murray. 00:47:59.585 --> 00:48:02.295 - Bill Murray. - God, no way. 00:48:02.462 --> 00:48:05.965 This guy has a direct line to my funny bone. 00:48:06.133 --> 00:48:08.009 - Everything... - Wait. Who's Bill Murray? 00:48:08.176 --> 00:48:09.886 Hey, I've never hit a kid before. 00:48:11.471 --> 00:48:13.973 All right? I mean, that's like asking who Gandhi is. 00:48:14.683 --> 00:48:16.392 Who's Gandhi? 00:48:16.602 --> 00:48:18.811 She's 12. 00:48:21.899 --> 00:48:23.900 - No Twinkies. - Shit, fuck! 00:48:24.109 --> 00:48:26.569 See? I told you we should've gone to Russell Crowe's. 00:48:26.737 --> 00:48:29.363 - No one listens to me. - Hello, inside voices. Okay? 00:48:29.531 --> 00:48:31.198 At least until we know we're alone. 00:48:31.366 --> 00:48:34.327 Tallahassee, Wichita, take that way. Little Rock, come here. 00:48:34.494 --> 00:48:36.871 Why do I get stuck with her? 00:48:40.167 --> 00:48:42.668 It doesn't seem to end. 00:48:48.008 --> 00:48:49.759 Hey, come here. 00:48:51.219 --> 00:48:53.930 He has his own movie theater? 00:48:57.559 --> 00:49:00.186 Okay, I'm gonna teach you something about Bill Murray. 00:49:02.064 --> 00:49:04.732 A king slept right here. 00:49:05.859 --> 00:49:08.069 Dibs on the bed. 00:49:10.572 --> 00:49:13.282 Too soft for me, anyway. 00:49:20.082 --> 00:49:23.250 Oh, this is so exciting. You're about to learn who you gonna call. 00:49:23.418 --> 00:49:25.711 It's Ghostbusters. 00:49:43.814 --> 00:49:45.815 This is pretty catchy. 00:49:46.566 --> 00:49:48.234 Come on. 00:49:48.402 --> 00:49:50.736 Help me with the boots. Come on. 00:49:50.904 --> 00:49:52.405 Help me with the boots. 00:49:52.572 --> 00:49:56.409 Okay. I'll get them myself. 00:50:16.221 --> 00:50:18.014 Shit. 00:50:23.437 --> 00:50:24.979 Bill Murray, you're a zombie? 00:50:31.111 --> 00:50:33.446 I'm on fire! 00:50:33.780 --> 00:50:35.865 You're not a zombie, you're talking, and... 00:50:36.033 --> 00:50:38.868 - You're okay? - The hell I am! 00:50:39.036 --> 00:50:42.705 I'm sorry. I didn't know that it was "you" you. 00:50:42.873 --> 00:50:44.874 Are you...? What's with the get-up? 00:50:45.042 --> 00:50:47.793 Oh, I do it to blend in. You know. 00:50:47.961 --> 00:50:50.004 Zombies don't mess with other zombies. 00:50:50.172 --> 00:50:52.298 Buddy of mine showed me how to do this. 00:50:52.466 --> 00:50:55.801 Cornstarch. You know, some berries, a little licorice for the ladies. 00:50:55.969 --> 00:50:59.555 Suits my lifestyle, you know. I like to get out and do stuff. 00:50:59.765 --> 00:51:03.726 Just played nine holes on the Riviera. Just walked on. Nobody there. 00:51:03.894 --> 00:51:08.147 Goddamn it, Bill fucking Murray! 00:51:08.315 --> 00:51:10.524 I had to get that out. I don't mean to gush. 00:51:10.692 --> 00:51:14.737 This is so surreal. I mean, you probably get this all the time. 00:51:14.905 --> 00:51:17.656 Maybe not lately, but I'm such a huge fan of yours. 00:51:17.824 --> 00:51:19.158 I mean, I swear, you know... 00:51:19.326 --> 00:51:22.495 ...l've seen every one of your movies a million times. 00:51:22.662 --> 00:51:27.500 I even love your dramatic roles and just everything. 00:51:27.667 --> 00:51:31.504 Six people left in the world, one of them is Bill fucking Murray! 00:51:31.671 --> 00:51:35.341 I know that's not your middle name. I been watching you since I was like... 00:51:35.509 --> 00:51:39.011 Since I could masturbate. I mean, not that they're connected. 00:51:39.179 --> 00:51:42.431 "A former greenskeeper about to become the Masters champion." 00:51:46.937 --> 00:51:49.188 Well, that's why we do it. 00:51:50.357 --> 00:51:52.358 I love you, Bill. I love you. 00:51:52.609 --> 00:51:54.026 I thank you. 00:51:54.361 --> 00:51:55.569 Thank you. 00:51:56.029 --> 00:51:58.364 You are staring at me. It's a hairpiece. 00:51:58.532 --> 00:52:02.034 I'm sorry. No, it was just that you look remarkably like Eddie Van Halen. 00:52:02.202 --> 00:52:03.536 I just saw Eddie Van Halen. 00:52:04.204 --> 00:52:05.704 - Really? - Yeah. 00:52:05.872 --> 00:52:08.082 - Where? How was that? - At the Hollywood Bowl. 00:52:08.250 --> 00:52:09.583 He's a zombie. 00:52:09.751 --> 00:52:11.752 That's a tough break. 00:52:11.920 --> 00:52:14.588 So how about a little West Coast hospitality? 00:52:14.756 --> 00:52:17.550 Can I get you something? What would you like? 00:52:28.937 --> 00:52:31.147 Smooth, isn't it? 00:52:31.356 --> 00:52:34.733 Oh, hurry. Hurry, he's on the ceiling. 00:52:34.901 --> 00:52:38.279 - Come get him. Avoid the chandelier. - Light him up, Ray. 00:52:38.446 --> 00:52:42.575 - See you on the other side, Pete. - Oh, he's so disgusting. 00:52:42.742 --> 00:52:45.619 - Looks like Slimer. - Don't cross the streams! 00:52:45.787 --> 00:52:47.830 - I don't wanna cross... - Oh, no, he's awful. 00:52:47.998 --> 00:52:50.457 Don't cross the streams! 00:52:53.170 --> 00:52:56.422 Thirty-five feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds. 00:52:56.590 --> 00:52:57.756 That's a big Twinkie. 00:52:58.425 --> 00:53:00.259 Your sister is single, right? 00:53:00.427 --> 00:53:02.928 There's nothing long distance or anything? 00:53:03.096 --> 00:53:04.889 - No. - Oh, good, good. 00:53:05.891 --> 00:53:08.934 And if she had, like, a type, you know... 00:53:09.102 --> 00:53:12.146 ...if you can have a type, what would that be, you think? 00:53:12.314 --> 00:53:14.607 She kind of goes for, like, bad boys. 00:53:14.774 --> 00:53:16.025 - Really? - Yeah. 00:53:16.193 --> 00:53:17.776 That's cool. 00:53:17.944 --> 00:53:19.528 What? 00:53:21.448 --> 00:53:26.160 - So Columbus is the scared one? - Yeah. He's like a little bunny. 00:53:26.953 --> 00:53:28.704 I'll get him. 00:53:30.957 --> 00:53:32.917 Watch this. 00:53:41.635 --> 00:53:42.801 No. 00:53:42.969 --> 00:53:45.012 No, no, it's okay, it's okay. 00:53:45.180 --> 00:53:47.014 I got him. 00:53:51.311 --> 00:53:54.480 Is that how you say hello where you come from? 00:53:55.148 --> 00:53:56.482 Oh, my God. 00:53:56.650 --> 00:53:59.568 Oh, my God, I can't believe I shot Bill Murray. 00:54:00.987 --> 00:54:05.449 - Mr. Murray? - I'm just Bill, I think, now. 00:54:06.159 --> 00:54:08.327 - Bill? - Yeah? 00:54:08.495 --> 00:54:11.705 I don't think we're gonna be able to stitch this. 00:54:13.500 --> 00:54:15.501 That's still tender. 00:54:15.669 --> 00:54:17.461 You think you might pull through? 00:54:20.966 --> 00:54:22.174 No. 00:54:22.342 --> 00:54:25.386 If it means anything now, I am so sorry. 00:54:25.553 --> 00:54:27.513 It was just instinctive. 00:54:27.681 --> 00:54:29.390 It was my bad. 00:54:29.557 --> 00:54:32.851 I was never a very good practical joker. 00:54:33.395 --> 00:54:35.521 So do you have any regrets? 00:54:38.108 --> 00:54:40.526 Garfield, maybe. 00:55:05.010 --> 00:55:08.012 I'm sorry, he just gets me. 00:55:09.556 --> 00:55:11.390 - But it still is sad. - Yeah. 00:55:14.394 --> 00:55:17.062 - Okay. - Oh, shit. 00:55:18.064 --> 00:55:20.065 Okay. Okay. 00:55:20.734 --> 00:55:23.569 Okay. Shit. Okay. 00:55:32.078 --> 00:55:37.624 Sorry. One second. It's a double-barrel. Sorry. 00:55:37.792 --> 00:55:39.335 Okay. 00:55:44.257 --> 00:55:48.260 Three, two, one. 00:55:49.346 --> 00:55:50.971 - You guys want some Purell? - Yes. 00:55:51.139 --> 00:55:52.264 - Please. - Yeah. 00:55:52.599 --> 00:55:53.640 Around the world. 00:55:57.812 --> 00:55:59.313 Yes. 00:56:00.690 --> 00:56:02.816 - Oh, free parking. - Yeah. 00:56:02.984 --> 00:56:05.444 Which is the best thing about Zombieland. 00:56:05.612 --> 00:56:08.489 No, best thing about Z-land, no Facebook status updates. 00:56:08.656 --> 00:56:11.533 You know, "Rob Curtis is gearing up for Friday." 00:56:11.701 --> 00:56:15.829 - Who cares? - The best thing is no more flushing. 00:56:15.997 --> 00:56:19.375 - Epic. - And the worst thing about Z-land? 00:56:19.584 --> 00:56:22.127 You mean, other than the fact that I shot Bill Murray? 00:56:22.295 --> 00:56:24.463 That's easy. Losing Buck. 00:56:25.465 --> 00:56:27.299 That's his puppy. 00:56:27.467 --> 00:56:31.720 I'm gonna tell you, I never thought I could love anything like Buck. 00:56:31.888 --> 00:56:35.974 He was just... The day he was born, I just lost my mind. 00:56:38.144 --> 00:56:39.144 Sorry. 00:56:40.814 --> 00:56:43.315 We were two peas. 00:56:43.483 --> 00:56:49.488 He had my personality, my laugh, my appetite. 00:56:49.656 --> 00:56:50.823 Laugh? 00:56:50.990 --> 00:56:54.660 That's when it hit me. I felt ashamed that it had taken me this long... 00:56:54.828 --> 00:56:56.829 Me, with the best cardio in the business. 00:56:56.996 --> 00:56:59.748 - to realize I wasn't the only one running from something. 00:57:06.214 --> 00:57:10.384 Oh, there it is. There you go. 00:57:10.552 --> 00:57:14.138 Oh, you like the syrup. Yes. 00:57:15.348 --> 00:57:17.057 Okay. 00:57:24.023 --> 00:57:27.192 We made this wallet together out of duct tape. 00:57:33.032 --> 00:57:34.283 Take away a man's son... 00:57:34.784 --> 00:57:37.244 ...you've truly given him nothing left to lose. 00:57:47.797 --> 00:57:51.550 I haven't cried like that since Titanic. 00:58:09.736 --> 00:58:11.403 Hi. 00:58:32.425 --> 00:58:33.634 A hint. 00:58:34.594 --> 00:58:41.725 Why don't you exhale slowly, squeeze the trigger? 00:59:14.968 --> 00:59:16.677 Don't make me drink alone. 00:59:16.844 --> 00:59:18.637 Okay. 00:59:24.143 --> 00:59:29.481 It's a 1997 Georges? 00:59:29.649 --> 00:59:33.694 I never took French. Georges de Latour? I don't know. 00:59:33.861 --> 00:59:37.155 - Oh, it's a '97? - Yeah. 00:59:37.323 --> 00:59:39.658 - Was that a good year? - Oh, my God. 00:59:39.826 --> 00:59:41.368 It was great. Are you kidding me? 00:59:41.536 --> 00:59:45.205 I saw my first R-rated movie that year. 00:59:45.373 --> 00:59:48.542 - Yeah, Anaconda. - Anaconda. 00:59:50.086 --> 00:59:52.421 First tattoo, porpoise. 00:59:52.589 --> 00:59:54.673 - Really? - Fake. 00:59:55.008 --> 00:59:57.009 First kiss. 00:59:57.802 --> 00:59:59.011 Scotty Lynch. 00:59:59.596 --> 01:00:02.306 You guys used tongue? 01:00:05.018 --> 01:00:07.019 Maybe. 01:00:07.854 --> 01:00:09.438 You jealous of Scotty Lynch? 01:00:11.357 --> 01:00:13.525 Yes, I am. 01:00:13.693 --> 01:00:18.196 Actually, I think I'm jealous of your whole 1997. 01:00:18.364 --> 01:00:20.198 Let's see. 01:00:22.201 --> 01:00:24.536 Mine, first orthodontist. 01:00:24.704 --> 01:00:27.789 The bastard gave me headgear. Yeah. I got my first B. 01:00:27.957 --> 01:00:29.875 Oh, no. 01:00:30.043 --> 01:00:32.586 Frightening as Anaconda. 01:00:33.379 --> 01:00:36.757 In wood shop, which doesn't really count as a class anyway. 01:00:36.924 --> 01:00:38.550 No. 01:00:39.552 --> 01:00:42.054 Had my first school dance. Oh, thank you. 01:00:42.221 --> 01:00:46.350 It was a Sadie Hawkins, so girls' choice, you know. 01:00:49.562 --> 01:00:53.231 - What, and nobody picked you? - It was girls' choice. 01:00:53.399 --> 01:00:55.817 - Those bitches. - I know. 01:00:55.985 --> 01:00:58.904 No, I will not stand for this. No. You know what? 01:00:59.572 --> 01:01:05.410 On behalf of all the eighth-grade girls, I would like to make it up to you. 01:01:08.164 --> 01:01:09.289 Relax. 01:01:09.457 --> 01:01:11.792 Scotty's old news. 01:01:47.036 --> 01:01:51.623 I don't even know your name, but this is actually really nice. 01:01:51.791 --> 01:01:56.211 You know, between you, me and What About Bob? 01:01:57.797 --> 01:01:59.548 ...you're actually kind of cute. 01:01:59.716 --> 01:02:00.799 You think so? 01:02:02.009 --> 01:02:03.343 Yeah. 01:02:04.137 --> 01:02:06.805 I mean, you got the guts of a guppy... 01:02:07.640 --> 01:02:09.808 ...but I could hit that. 01:02:13.312 --> 01:02:15.230 Really? 01:02:15.732 --> 01:02:19.234 Or at least give you the intentional walk to first. 01:02:29.579 --> 01:02:32.456 Hey, a little help moving the couch? 01:02:33.082 --> 01:02:35.000 We're making a fort. 01:02:40.047 --> 01:02:42.090 - Yeah. - Yeah, that's probably for the best. 01:02:42.258 --> 01:02:44.092 - Right. - Because... 01:02:46.012 --> 01:02:47.679 ...I like you... 01:02:47.847 --> 01:02:50.432 ...Columbus, but my sister and I... 01:02:50.600 --> 01:02:53.894 ...are gonna do whatever it takes to survive, so... 01:03:05.072 --> 01:03:07.783 I was hoping Wichita was just playing hard to get... 01:03:07.992 --> 01:03:10.452 ...but I realized she had more trust issues than I... 01:03:10.620 --> 01:03:14.372 ...when I woke up the next day and she was leaving. 01:03:18.211 --> 01:03:20.253 You are like a giant cock-blocking robot... 01:03:20.421 --> 01:03:23.590 ...like, developed in a secret fucking government lab. 01:03:24.050 --> 01:03:25.550 Hey. 01:03:25.718 --> 01:03:28.386 I can't believe I almost kissed him. What's our rule? 01:03:28.554 --> 01:03:31.306 - Trust no one, just you and me. - Just you and me. 01:03:32.058 --> 01:03:34.309 Yeah. You and me. 01:03:47.907 --> 01:03:50.283 You have just survived the zombie apocalypse... 01:03:50.451 --> 01:03:52.452 ...and drove halfway across the country. 01:03:52.620 --> 01:03:54.120 Where are you gonna go? 01:03:54.288 --> 01:03:57.457 I'm going to Pacific Playland. 01:04:16.143 --> 01:04:18.687 Open sesame. 01:04:28.197 --> 01:04:31.157 This is the problem with getting attached to someone. 01:04:31.325 --> 01:04:33.952 When they leave you, you just feel lost. 01:04:34.120 --> 01:04:36.288 Having Tallahassee around didn't comfort me... 01:04:36.455 --> 01:04:38.123 ...it just made me feel more alone. 01:04:38.291 --> 01:04:42.002 Hey. You weren't exactly gonna score, anyway. 01:04:42.169 --> 01:04:45.589 You know, you weren't storming the trenches before I came along. 01:04:47.592 --> 01:04:50.802 That's why I don't let people close. You only get burned. 01:04:50.970 --> 01:04:52.012 You don't say. 01:04:54.140 --> 01:04:55.640 Mexico. 01:04:55.808 --> 01:04:59.394 You know what they call Twinkies in Mexico? 01:05:00.021 --> 01:05:04.232 - That's where I'm headed, amigo. - Whatever. 01:05:59.372 --> 01:06:00.789 - Oh, my God. - I know. 01:06:00.957 --> 01:06:02.791 - This is really fun. Oh, my God. - Yeah. 01:06:27.900 --> 01:06:29.693 Oh, no. 01:06:32.905 --> 01:06:34.406 I'm going after Wichita. 01:06:34.573 --> 01:06:38.118 Look, you ever read that book She's Just Not That Into You? 01:06:38.285 --> 01:06:40.245 You can't make yourself too available. 01:06:40.413 --> 01:06:43.081 I don't care, all right? I wanna be with her. 01:06:43.457 --> 01:06:45.709 Have fun in Mexico. 01:06:50.756 --> 01:06:52.424 Come on. Hurry. 01:06:56.637 --> 01:06:57.846 Get in. 01:07:06.939 --> 01:07:08.940 Come on, go. 01:07:10.484 --> 01:07:11.776 Go, go. 01:07:24.790 --> 01:07:28.752 On the count of three. One, two, three. 01:07:43.476 --> 01:07:46.186 You okay? Come on. Hurry, get up. 01:07:46.353 --> 01:07:47.562 - Come on, let's go. - Yeah. 01:07:53.486 --> 01:07:55.278 There. 01:08:14.340 --> 01:08:18.218 I'm not great at farewells, so... 01:08:19.929 --> 01:08:21.054 ...that'll do, pig. 01:08:22.014 --> 01:08:24.057 That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard... 01:08:24.225 --> 01:08:26.351 ...and you stole it from a movie. 01:08:29.522 --> 01:08:31.689 Tell the ladies I said hey. 01:08:31.857 --> 01:08:34.442 You know, their pictures were in someone's wallet too. 01:09:00.052 --> 01:09:01.886 Hop in the car, Evel Knievel. 01:09:02.346 --> 01:09:06.224 - Let's go ride the roller coaster. - Thanks. 01:09:16.235 --> 01:09:17.902 Go! 01:10:17.838 --> 01:10:19.339 Not as fun as I remember. 01:10:25.179 --> 01:10:27.430 Shoot the control box. 01:10:59.880 --> 01:11:01.172 - Columbus? - Tallahassee? 01:11:01.340 --> 01:11:05.927 I think they might actually require our assistance this time. 01:11:06.095 --> 01:11:09.847 - Buckle up. - Yeah. I'm way ahead of you. 01:11:11.558 --> 01:11:14.060 Time to nut up or shut up. 01:11:18.482 --> 01:11:20.024 Holy shit. 01:11:42.047 --> 01:11:46.426 My mama always told me someday I'd be good at something. 01:11:46.593 --> 01:11:49.053 Who'd have guessed that would be zombie killing? 01:11:49.221 --> 01:11:50.221 Probably nobody. 01:11:51.765 --> 01:11:53.391 Look. 01:11:56.145 --> 01:11:58.813 We better start working on our apology. 01:12:13.245 --> 01:12:15.913 Oh, no. No. 01:12:23.172 --> 01:12:24.255 - Hey! - Hey! 01:12:24.423 --> 01:12:25.757 - Hey! Ohio! - Over here! 01:12:25.924 --> 01:12:27.925 - Hey! Help! - Help! 01:12:28.093 --> 01:12:30.595 - Oh, my God. - Help! 01:12:30.763 --> 01:12:32.180 Hey! 01:12:32.765 --> 01:12:34.265 Help! 01:12:34.433 --> 01:12:37.602 - Hey, they're up there. They're okay. - What are you waiting for? 01:12:37.770 --> 01:12:38.811 That's your gal. 01:12:40.814 --> 01:12:42.065 - Over here! - Help! 01:12:44.777 --> 01:12:48.279 Come on! Come get a piece of Tallahassee! 01:12:48.447 --> 01:12:50.448 Anybody hungry? 01:12:50.616 --> 01:12:55.286 Tallahassee's nice this time of year! Come on! 01:12:55.454 --> 01:12:57.997 Come on, you ugly bastards! 01:13:15.891 --> 01:13:20.978 Holy shit. 01:13:21.146 --> 01:13:22.855 Hey! 01:13:48.382 --> 01:13:49.507 Motherfucker! 01:14:21.206 --> 01:14:23.458 Shit. I'm out of shells. 01:14:27.212 --> 01:14:28.379 Bingo. 01:14:36.889 --> 01:14:38.264 Yeah! 01:14:39.183 --> 01:14:40.433 Oh, yeah. 01:14:50.402 --> 01:14:52.111 Here we go. 01:17:23.847 --> 01:17:25.389 Oh, shit. 01:17:26.642 --> 01:17:29.435 - Wichita! Little Rock! - Hurry! 01:17:32.564 --> 01:17:34.649 Oh, my God. 01:17:34.858 --> 01:17:36.942 Look at this fucking clown. 01:17:40.155 --> 01:17:42.948 Of course. It had to be a clown. 01:17:43.116 --> 01:17:45.076 Fuck. 01:17:46.411 --> 01:17:49.914 No, it had to be a clown, and it had to be Wichita... 01:17:50.082 --> 01:17:51.916 ...for me to finally understand... 01:17:53.418 --> 01:17:55.336 ...that some rules are made to be broken. 01:17:59.174 --> 01:18:00.591 Time to nut up or shut up. 01:18:05.097 --> 01:18:07.014 Fuck this clown. 01:18:51.143 --> 01:18:52.727 - Thanks. - Hey. 01:18:52.936 --> 01:18:56.147 Get your gun. Here you go. Hi. 01:18:56.648 --> 01:18:57.857 Okay. 01:19:06.825 --> 01:19:09.034 Krista. 01:19:42.360 --> 01:19:46.113 Okay. We should probably head out now. 01:19:50.577 --> 01:19:52.912 Finally got to first base. 01:19:53.079 --> 01:19:56.373 Not bad for that scrawny little spit-fuck. 01:20:03.799 --> 01:20:05.758 Where's Florida? 01:20:09.429 --> 01:20:11.055 I have a little hunch. 01:20:13.058 --> 01:20:16.560 Where are you, you spongy, yellow, delicious bastards? 01:20:16.728 --> 01:20:18.229 - Where are you? - Yo. 01:20:23.235 --> 01:20:25.236 False advertising. 01:20:28.824 --> 01:20:30.241 Jesus Christ. 01:20:31.910 --> 01:20:33.744 You want a Sno Ball or something? 01:21:00.647 --> 01:21:02.940 Oh, God. 01:21:08.947 --> 01:21:11.949 Words cannot express. 01:21:12.576 --> 01:21:13.617 It's too soon. 01:21:13.785 --> 01:21:17.788 Do you think you could maybe just pick out the buckshot and eat around it? 01:21:17.956 --> 01:21:20.499 Okay, yeah. 01:21:21.376 --> 01:21:23.294 No! 01:21:23.461 --> 01:21:25.880 - No! - No! 01:21:28.633 --> 01:21:29.842 That face? 01:21:30.010 --> 01:21:33.345 That's me realizing that those smart girls in that big black truck... 01:21:34.806 --> 01:21:37.474 ...and that big guy in that snakeskin jacket... 01:21:37.851 --> 01:21:40.394 ...they were the closest to something I'd always wanted... 01:21:40.562 --> 01:21:41.854 ...but never really had. 01:21:42.480 --> 01:21:43.981 A family. 01:21:44.149 --> 01:21:46.859 I trusted them and they trusted me. 01:21:50.530 --> 01:21:52.865 Rule number 32: Enjoy the little things. 01:21:54.242 --> 01:21:56.076 Tallahassee got his Twinkie. 01:21:56.244 --> 01:22:00.414 And even though life would never be simple or innocent again... 01:22:00.624 --> 01:22:03.751 ...as he savored that spongy, yellow log of cream... 01:22:03.919 --> 01:22:06.629 ...we had hope. We had each other. 01:22:08.006 --> 01:22:12.551 And without other people, well, you might as well be a zombie. 01:22:12.761 --> 01:22:14.553 - Thank you so much. - You had us going. 01:22:14.721 --> 01:22:16.555 Yeah. 01:22:18.558 --> 01:22:20.184 That was very funny. 01:22:20.352 --> 01:22:21.852 So until next time, remember: 01:22:22.020 --> 01:22:25.022 Cardio, seat belts, and this has nothing to do with anything... 01:22:25.190 --> 01:22:27.858 ...but a little sunscreen never hurt anybody. 01:22:29.527 --> 01:22:34.365 I'm Columbus, Ohio, from Zombieland, saying good night.