WEBVTT
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Subtitles by explosiveskull
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Here we go.
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One, two...
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You guys wanna story?
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Yeah, I got a story.
A fuckin' doozy.
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Is this the one
where you say you own Facebook?
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Starts like this.
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On the seventh day, God rested.
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- I love God.
- He's my favorite god.
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Yeah, but he's God,
so he knew
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that if after six days of crazy
you gotta rest
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- on Sunday, right?
- I'd rest every day.
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But what about
those poor bastards
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going through six days of crazy,
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not knowing that the seventh
day is gonna be a day of rest,
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or just another day
at the shit store?
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Those are the poor bastards
we should toast.
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To the shit store!
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Who knows, maybe
a couple of angels come along
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and nudge him
in the right direction.
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But I'm getting ahead of myself.
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This is the story
of Frank and Nancy Teagarten.
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Their seven days started
on the morning
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they dropped their daughter
off to college.
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Wow.
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Seems just like yesterday
I was pushing you on the swings
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in Gardner Park.
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Yeah.
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And now, look
at our college girl,
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on her way to becoming
a veterinarian.
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Now, baby.
We're just a phone call away,
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five-hour car ride away,
50-minute plane ride away.
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You know we're there for you,
anything you need.
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You have our numbers.
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Yes, I practically
have them memorized.
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- Good.
- But, don't call
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after 10:00 p.m.
'cause we'll probably be asleep.
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That was a joke.
You know that was a joke, right?
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I love your jokes, Daddy.
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- Do you like your bed?
- Yeah.
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We should have gotten her
a better mattress.
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How come we didn't think
of that?
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You know what this room needs,
is a Medeco lock.
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Medeco makes a very sturdy lock.
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- Yeah.
- And what's with this
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co-ed dorm?
Why are we doing that?
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She's in a co-ed dorm,
whose idea was that?
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That's wrong.
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I love you guys so much.
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Thank you.
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Thank you for everything.
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- It's gonna be okay.
- Which part?
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All of it. I promise.
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Can I help you?
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- Sorry, guys. Gotta hook it up.
- Shit!
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What, now?
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Hey, man.
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I'm just doing my job,
all right?
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We, uh...
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we just dropped our daughter
off at college,
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and we've been
really, really busy,
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and I'll send a payment
in a few days.
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Look, it's not me,
it's Volvo, okay?
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They don't fuck around
when it comes to a lease, okay?
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I just need a little more time.
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There...
there is a backstory here.
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Always is, brother. Always is.
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Would you like to hear it?
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All right, shoot.
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I started a medical company.
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Put everything we had into it,
making a medical innovation
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that's been adding years
to people's lives.
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We rolled the dice hard,
but we believed in it.
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Then there was a problem.
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Small, but enough
for some news stories.
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They started calling us
"controversial,"
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which is the toughest word
in our business,
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and it's been...
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bad dominoes ever since.
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Now, our daughter doesn't know
at all about this.
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We've been holding it together
until she went off to college,
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and now we're gonna
hold it together
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until we get back on our feet.
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What do you make?
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- What, salary?
- Product.
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Artificial heart valves designed
for transfemoral placement,
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- which means...
- Dual leg artery.
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I know.
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You know what I used to do
before this repo shit?
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- Paramedic.
- Oh?
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Yeah. People used to be glad
to see me show up.
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Yesterday, I had to take
three child seats
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out of the back of a Lexus,
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lay them out on their lawn,
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like I was setting up for some
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goddamn baby
Lollapalooza concert,
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The Wiggles or some shit.
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- Remember them?
- No.
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Fuckin' Yum Yum Fruit Salad.
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I got kids.
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It was sad.
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Shit. Okay, look.
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I'll tell 'em you weren't here.
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But the most I can get you
is days, not weeks. All right?
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So, if I were you,
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I'd find a way
to put some loot in my suit.
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Sell some crack,
or I'll be back!
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- Thank you.
- Thank you!
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Finally a break.
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What about the, uh,
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lamp in the den?
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It's broken.
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So, we sell it, uh,
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as is, or we fix it?
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We don't fix things, Frank,
we only ruin them...
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Hi guys.
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- Having a yard sale?
- Uh, no, Bert.
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Our living room
puked all over our yard.
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- What?
- Bye.
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Oh, look, Frank.
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A 2,000-dollar Breville Oracle
espresso machine.
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And we just had to have it.
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But, we never even took it out
of the damn box.
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Just be happy that the thing
is still in the box,
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it's worth 2,000 dollars,
one-eighth of that is,
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it's a... it's a car payment.
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Why did we get all this stuff?
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Stuff, stuff, stuff everywhere,
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and I can't even afford
to get my roots done
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or get a bikini wax.
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Hey, guys!
You're having a yard sale?
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Hi, Jason.
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No, Jason, our house got hit
by a tidal wave.
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Just ours.
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Uh. It's a freak of nature.
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Well, I'm glad it was yours.
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'Cause, salt water,
it's like kryptonite
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for the wheelchair.
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Jason, are you making
a handicap joke?
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I'm sorry, I thought...
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'Cause...
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I'm the one in the...
Uh, Rachel called me.
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It sounds like
she made it off fine.
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So, the two of you
were trying to make
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the long-distance thing work?
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The odds are against it, Jason,
and she's ambitious
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and you live at home.
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- Frank?
- Yes?
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Don't pay any attention
to him, Jason.
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He's been drinking.
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Well, I'd better be off
to work, so...
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Hey, Jason, do you wear
your Staples uniform
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under your clothes
like Superman,
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or do you go home
and change at your mom's,
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where you live, with your mom?
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Can't understand the,
the whispered Spanish.
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Mr. Teagarten, I'd really like
to get along with you,
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even if Rachel and I
are eventually just friends,
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nothing more,
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'cause I... I think you guys
are amazing people.
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Thank you, Jason.
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- Have a nice day.
- Yeah.
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Enjoy the ride.
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It's like,
'cause of the wheelchair.
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That's...
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Have a nice one.
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Nigel, how's it going over there
in London, huh?
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Are they still
driving backwards?
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What are you talking about?
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You know what I mean.
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You know, sideways,
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the cars...
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the street?
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Have you been drinking?
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Oh, that's hilarious.
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Seriously.
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Listen to me,
I am gonna be traveling
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for a while, all right?
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I'm gonna be gone to Nepal,
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I'll be gone
for about four months,
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I'll be off the grid.
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Oh, that's weird.
Hey, listen, Nigel,
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while I have you on the phone,
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I think I need to ask you
for more money...
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to watch the house.
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'Cause I'm over there
like three days a week.
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What are you talking about?
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It's not that hard
to watch my house.
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I live right next door to you.
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I should... I can get
the kid down the street
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to do it for free,
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just so he can go in
and watch cable.
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Jesus.
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What did he say
about more money?
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I don't think he's into it.
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I'm going to Nigel's
for a minute.
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No.
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Hello, this is Frank.
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Oh, hi. Uh...
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Yes, I am going to pay you soon.
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Uh, no, I don't know when,
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but your credit card
is very important to me, so I...
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Oh, yes, I know that, but...
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Well, I do wanna work with you,
so how about this?
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I'll send you the credit card,
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and you just shove it up
your fucking ass.
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Does that work?
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Yes.
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Yes. Yes.
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Absolutely not.
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It's a Chateau Latour.
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It's worth 800 dollars.
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Have you lost your mind?
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Wait a minute.
00:10:10.200 --> 00:10:12.333
Since when
did you start smoking?
00:10:12.335 --> 00:10:13.468
Just now.
00:10:13.470 --> 00:10:14.935
Great timing.
00:10:14.937 --> 00:10:16.670
Just when we can't afford it.
00:10:16.672 --> 00:10:18.673
Nigel has hundreds
of bottles of wine.
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He doesn't need more wine.
00:10:19.743 --> 00:10:22.043
He needs a punch in the face,
but not more wine.
00:10:22.045 --> 00:10:23.578
Would you please
have some decency?
00:10:23.580 --> 00:10:26.213
You're supposed to be looking
after his property,
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not parting it out
like an old Chevy.
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- What?
- I mean, what's next?
00:10:30.119 --> 00:10:33.987
You gonna put an... an ad
on Craigslist and rent it out?
00:10:35.124 --> 00:10:37.157
Rent out his house?
00:10:37.159 --> 00:10:39.863
Rent out Nigel's house?
On Craigslist?
00:10:40.696 --> 00:10:41.963
That's insane.
00:10:41.965 --> 00:10:43.931
Stop changing
the subject.
00:10:43.933 --> 00:10:46.633
Put that bottle of wine back.
00:10:46.635 --> 00:10:48.001
Right now.
00:10:48.003 --> 00:10:49.572
Shame on you, Frank!
00:11:06.723 --> 00:11:08.655
I love this album.
00:11:08.657 --> 00:11:10.426
Are they still called albums?
00:11:11.127 --> 00:11:14.161
Albums...
00:11:14.163 --> 00:11:17.598
C, D, D, D.
00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:20.568
C, D, D, D.
00:11:22.272 --> 00:11:24.072
You know the Filipinos?
00:11:24.074 --> 00:11:25.238
Bob and Teresa?
00:11:25.240 --> 00:11:27.040
From the Philippines.
00:11:27.042 --> 00:11:30.144
They used to strap
coca tree bark to their bodies
00:11:30.146 --> 00:11:31.578
before they went to battle.
00:11:31.580 --> 00:11:35.516
The coca then, would leech
into their bloodstream,
00:11:35.518 --> 00:11:37.517
and get them amped up
00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:40.188
to help them overcome
the fear of war.
00:11:40.190 --> 00:11:43.190
Frank, we're at war.
00:11:43.192 --> 00:11:46.194
I don't think we can get
our hands on that kind of bark.
00:11:46.196 --> 00:11:48.729
We ran out of vodka.
00:11:48.731 --> 00:11:51.531
I wonder what Rachel
will listen to in college.
00:11:51.533 --> 00:11:53.668
What music will...
00:11:53.670 --> 00:11:56.069
transport her back to her youth,
00:11:56.071 --> 00:11:58.473
back to a time when her
whole life was in front of her.
00:12:00.210 --> 00:12:02.242
I don't know.
00:12:02.244 --> 00:12:04.277
I only know I'm sad
about that vodka.
00:12:07.182 --> 00:12:08.251
Fuck it.
00:12:09.619 --> 00:12:11.151
Latour, baby!
00:12:13.455 --> 00:12:16.493
Whatever happens probably will.
00:12:17.760 --> 00:12:19.629
- Let's finish it inside.
- Yeah.
00:12:20.330 --> 00:12:22.063
Yeah.
00:12:22.065 --> 00:12:25.032
Starts getting better tomorrow.
00:12:25.034 --> 00:12:27.234
♪ When I'm stuck with a day ♪
00:12:27.236 --> 00:12:30.338
♪ That's grey, and lonely ♪
00:12:30.340 --> 00:12:32.473
♪ I just stick out my chin ♪
00:12:32.475 --> 00:12:34.375
♪ and grin... ♪
00:12:34.377 --> 00:12:36.676
- Oh!
- ♪ And say ♪
00:12:36.678 --> 00:12:41.415
♪ The sun will come out
Tomorrow ♪
00:12:41.417 --> 00:12:45.486
♪ Mañana! Mañana! ♪
00:12:45.488 --> 00:12:48.455
♪ Te quiero, mañana! ♪
00:12:48.457 --> 00:12:53.093
♪ You're only a day ♪
00:12:53.095 --> 00:12:57.365
♪ Away! ♪
00:12:57.367 --> 00:13:00.300
You fell on your ass, baby.
00:13:29.699 --> 00:13:31.168
Excuse me!
00:13:31.835 --> 00:13:34.635
Hi.
00:13:34.637 --> 00:13:37.371
What, what can you tell me
about this house?
00:13:37.373 --> 00:13:38.506
I'm sorry?
00:13:38.508 --> 00:13:42.376
There was a rental ad
for this house on Craigslist,
00:13:42.378 --> 00:13:44.511
but no one's answering
the doorbell.
00:13:44.513 --> 00:13:46.447
An ad on Craigslist?
00:13:46.449 --> 00:13:47.518
Yeah.
00:13:48.551 --> 00:13:50.218
For Nigel's house?
00:13:50.220 --> 00:13:53.420
No, somebody named Frank?
00:13:53.422 --> 00:13:56.690
The ad's gone,
it was flagged for profanity.
00:13:56.692 --> 00:13:58.593
Okay, wait. Back the fuck up.
00:13:58.595 --> 00:14:00.394
Let's start over. What?
00:14:00.396 --> 00:14:01.795
Well, there was an ad,
00:14:01.797 --> 00:14:04.298
"For rent,
big, beautiful fucking house
00:14:04.300 --> 00:14:05.833
furnished up the ass."
00:14:05.835 --> 00:14:07.604
Obviously, I was intrigued.
00:14:10.840 --> 00:14:12.309
Are, are you okay?
00:14:14.444 --> 00:14:16.180
Not even in the ballpark.
00:14:27.757 --> 00:14:29.857
Four dollars?
00:14:29.859 --> 00:14:32.593
Four dollars for a zucchini.
00:14:32.595 --> 00:14:35.596
And these people won't even
grease the wheels
00:14:35.598 --> 00:14:38.535
of their shopping cart.
00:14:39.301 --> 00:14:40.403
Fuckers.
00:14:49.512 --> 00:14:50.777
Nancy?
00:14:50.779 --> 00:14:52.246
Are you okay?
00:14:52.248 --> 00:14:53.684
Oh, you.
00:14:54.617 --> 00:14:56.284
Heidi, hi.
00:14:56.286 --> 00:14:59.420
I'm fine, it's just that
I saw a spider,
00:14:59.422 --> 00:15:01.322
and I tried to get it.
00:15:01.324 --> 00:15:03.290
My foot got stuck.
00:15:03.292 --> 00:15:06.429
Um, are those box wines
in your cart?
00:15:10.200 --> 00:15:11.966
No, I'm juicing.
00:15:11.968 --> 00:15:14.267
How are Chip and the kids?
00:15:14.269 --> 00:15:16.938
Oh, Chip pulled some strings
and got Carter into Yale.
00:15:16.940 --> 00:15:19.573
He won't light up the world
but he won't blow it up, either.
00:15:19.575 --> 00:15:20.708
Oh.
00:15:20.710 --> 00:15:23.743
Oh, totally off subject,
did you hear about Lisa Chang?
00:15:23.745 --> 00:15:24.978
No, Lisa?
00:15:24.980 --> 00:15:26.914
She and Andrew split up,
younger woman,
00:15:26.916 --> 00:15:28.348
yadda yadda, you know the drill.
00:15:28.350 --> 00:15:32.752
But, Lisa is working
at Macy's now.
00:15:32.754 --> 00:15:34.421
At the perfume counter.
00:15:34.423 --> 00:15:37.424
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god.
00:15:37.426 --> 00:15:39.794
She's waving
those little smelly cards
00:15:39.796 --> 00:15:41.364
on people's faces.
00:15:42.398 --> 00:15:43.499
She gained ten pounds.
00:15:44.533 --> 00:15:46.567
And she's about to gain more.
00:15:46.569 --> 00:15:48.803
Because you have to be rich
to be skinny.
00:15:48.805 --> 00:15:52.573
All the cheap foods
are the ones that pork you up.
00:15:52.575 --> 00:15:55.543
The sugars, the carbs,
the corn syrup.
00:15:55.545 --> 00:15:56.876
I do not understand why
00:15:56.878 --> 00:15:59.847
the more preservatives
and chemicals
00:15:59.849 --> 00:16:02.683
they put in the food,
the cheaper it is.
00:16:02.685 --> 00:16:05.419
And the food that just comes
out of the earth,
00:16:05.421 --> 00:16:07.021
it's so expensive.
00:16:07.023 --> 00:16:08.521
Bastards!
00:16:08.523 --> 00:16:10.524
It's those hippies,
00:16:10.526 --> 00:16:12.459
they seed their sow going,
00:16:12.461 --> 00:16:16.764
"Hey dude, look at this
zucchini, man.
00:16:16.766 --> 00:16:20.034
It's so beautiful,
a gift from Mother Earth.
00:16:20.036 --> 00:16:22.303
How much should we
charge for it?"
00:16:22.305 --> 00:16:23.838
"Uh, I don't know,
00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:25.740
uh, 4.20?
00:16:37.019 --> 00:16:39.555
Okay, bye. Goodbye.
Nice to see you.
00:16:40.623 --> 00:16:41.988
- Bye. Bye.
- Bye.
00:16:41.990 --> 00:16:43.056
Bye.
00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:47.330
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
00:16:48.665 --> 00:16:49.664
Oh, Frank.
00:16:49.666 --> 00:16:52.436
I think I'm having
an anxiety attack, and...
00:16:55.370 --> 00:16:56.505
Wait, what?
00:17:13.723 --> 00:17:14.825
Is this a joke?
00:17:17.760 --> 00:17:19.960
- But when?
- The check?
00:17:19.962 --> 00:17:21.628
No, the ad.
00:17:21.630 --> 00:17:23.830
Oh, it must have been last night
when we were drinking.
00:17:23.832 --> 00:17:26.032
I thought you did it.
It was all your idea.
00:17:26.034 --> 00:17:27.902
My idea?
00:17:27.904 --> 00:17:30.771
Frank, I said it to make a point
00:17:30.773 --> 00:17:33.874
about how we don't do anything
stupid like that.
00:17:33.876 --> 00:17:35.108
Don't you remember?
00:17:35.110 --> 00:17:36.810
I don't remember us
polishing off
00:17:36.812 --> 00:17:39.012
that Chateau Latour,
but we did that too, right?
00:17:39.014 --> 00:17:40.380
I remember that.
00:17:40.382 --> 00:17:42.415
I remember pulling the cork,
00:17:42.417 --> 00:17:43.651
it made that pop sound
00:17:43.653 --> 00:17:45.786
like the crunch sound
Eve probably made
00:17:45.788 --> 00:17:47.291
when she bit the apple.
00:17:47.823 --> 00:17:48.857
Baby.
00:17:48.859 --> 00:17:51.826
It's six months in advance,
his name is Carl,
00:17:51.828 --> 00:17:54.064
and for what it's worth,
I think he was sent from God.
00:17:56.131 --> 00:17:59.799
Frank, do you understand
what this means?
00:17:59.801 --> 00:18:03.636
It means an entire year
of Rachel's tuition.
00:18:03.638 --> 00:18:05.742
Thank you, Jesus!
00:18:07.877 --> 00:18:09.909
Does this mean...
00:18:09.911 --> 00:18:11.614
we're gonna celebrate?
00:18:12.915 --> 00:18:14.682
Heck yes!
00:18:14.684 --> 00:18:16.953
But I gotta do something first.
00:18:18.120 --> 00:18:19.388
I'll be right back.
00:18:38.006 --> 00:18:39.042
Hi, Frank.
00:18:39.641 --> 00:18:40.741
Hey.
00:18:40.743 --> 00:18:42.842
Is that Dave Brubeck
on the stereo?
00:18:42.844 --> 00:18:44.412
- No.
- Ah. Too bad,
00:18:44.414 --> 00:18:45.480
I love Brubeck.
00:18:45.482 --> 00:18:48.482
Especially back when Stan Getz
was on tenor sax.
00:18:48.484 --> 00:18:50.184
Getz did the soundtrack
for Micky One,
00:18:50.186 --> 00:18:51.952
which is my favorite
Warren Beatty film.
00:18:51.954 --> 00:18:54.855
I wanna say '65, '66.
00:18:54.857 --> 00:18:57.057
Warren Beatty
was a handsome boy.
00:18:57.059 --> 00:18:58.792
Got all the lady women, right?
00:18:58.794 --> 00:19:00.594
But you know,
Micky One's not for everyone.
00:19:00.596 --> 00:19:01.694
You have to be patient.
00:19:01.696 --> 00:19:04.498
Unlike Star Wars,
that really trucks along, right?
00:19:04.500 --> 00:19:05.899
Same with Dances With Wolves.
00:19:05.901 --> 00:19:06.966
Kevin Costner, he was...
00:19:09.105 --> 00:19:12.071
Uh, Carl, that was bizarre,
and I didn't follow any of it.
00:19:12.073 --> 00:19:13.507
Is everything okay?
00:19:13.509 --> 00:19:14.707
Oh, it's...
00:19:14.709 --> 00:19:16.210
I love the house.
00:19:16.212 --> 00:19:17.811
I'm being rude.
00:19:17.813 --> 00:19:20.213
This is my good buddy, Joe.
00:19:20.215 --> 00:19:23.552
Well, less of a buddy
and more of a parole officer.
00:19:24.786 --> 00:19:25.919
I beg your pardon?
00:19:25.921 --> 00:19:30.523
Frank, uh, as a new neighbor,
I'm "legally required"
00:19:30.525 --> 00:19:33.793
to tell you that
I'm a registered sex offender.
00:19:33.795 --> 00:19:34.994
Come again?
00:19:34.996 --> 00:19:37.063
Wow, really?
00:19:37.065 --> 00:19:38.031
Really what?
00:19:38.033 --> 00:19:40.166
I... I was kidding.
You said "come again"
00:19:40.168 --> 00:19:42.837
and I'm a sex offender.
It was a joke.
00:19:42.839 --> 00:19:44.938
Carl's a class three offender.
00:19:44.940 --> 00:19:48.742
He has to notify any resident
within a designated area.
00:19:48.744 --> 00:19:50.478
So we'll be going
house to house.
00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:51.912
It's kind of like
trick or treating,
00:19:51.914 --> 00:19:53.746
except for we don't get candy,
00:19:53.748 --> 00:19:55.982
we tell people I'm a pedophile.
00:19:55.984 --> 00:19:58.219
I'm sorry, I'm having trouble
with my ears.
00:19:58.221 --> 00:20:01.821
There's a really loud sound
to them, like a...
00:20:01.823 --> 00:20:04.959
like a roaring
crashing ocean, so...
00:20:04.961 --> 00:20:06.659
What the fuck did you just say?
00:20:06.661 --> 00:20:08.261
Baby, tell little Frank
00:20:08.263 --> 00:20:09.963
that I'm here, that I'm ready.
00:20:09.965 --> 00:20:11.065
Baby, get away from the door!
00:20:14.503 --> 00:20:15.769
Wow. Frank.
00:20:15.771 --> 00:20:17.474
You really did well.
00:20:19.207 --> 00:20:21.774
I did not
see that coming.
00:20:21.776 --> 00:20:24.944
Good.
I'm glad you didn't plan this.
00:20:24.946 --> 00:20:27.280
Gotta burn down
the house to cook the pig.
00:20:27.282 --> 00:20:28.348
What?
00:20:28.350 --> 00:20:30.717
I'm saying,
"I did not see that coming."
00:20:30.719 --> 00:20:32.019
Oh, look.
00:20:32.021 --> 00:20:33.654
They're going
to the Templeman's.
00:20:33.656 --> 00:20:35.222
Nice people, the Templeman's.
00:20:35.224 --> 00:20:37.590
Their lawn is always so green.
00:20:37.592 --> 00:20:39.792
I've always wondered
what they use.
00:20:39.794 --> 00:20:41.228
Maybe you can call Carl.
00:20:41.230 --> 00:20:43.931
You know, the fucking,
fucking sex offender,
00:20:43.933 --> 00:20:45.135
and ask him to ask them.
00:20:48.771 --> 00:20:51.070
Probably magnesium sulfate.
00:20:51.072 --> 00:20:53.706
You realize
we're going to jail, right?
00:20:53.708 --> 00:20:55.842
No.
Nigel will never press charges,
00:20:55.844 --> 00:20:57.978
I've pulled his fat out
of the fire too many times.
00:20:57.980 --> 00:21:00.180
Like last month,
his smoke detector was beeping,
00:21:00.182 --> 00:21:02.683
I changed the nine-volt,
didn't even charge him.
00:21:02.685 --> 00:21:04.117
Snap out of it,
motherfucker.
00:21:04.119 --> 00:21:06.252
We're going to jail.
00:21:06.254 --> 00:21:08.621
Don't, uh,
forget your prescriptions
00:21:08.623 --> 00:21:10.324
and anything else you might need
for the next few weeks.
00:21:10.326 --> 00:21:12.559
Frank, help me.
00:21:12.561 --> 00:21:14.129
Hold this bag. Hold this bag.
00:21:16.866 --> 00:21:19.066
Do you really need
all these panties and such, hun?
00:21:19.068 --> 00:21:21.734
No. I'm gonna hide them
in the attic.
00:21:21.736 --> 00:21:24.238
I don't want him
going all over my lingerie.
00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:25.772
The word is "cumming," honey.
Cumming.
00:21:25.774 --> 00:21:26.773
I don't give a damn.
00:21:26.775 --> 00:21:30.644
I do not want his DNA
on my private things.
00:21:30.646 --> 00:21:32.980
Baby, we really don't know
what he did.
00:21:32.982 --> 00:21:34.951
Then you should hide
your panties, too.
00:21:44.593 --> 00:21:46.659
Hi.
00:21:46.661 --> 00:21:49.896
Look, I, I, I know
I should have said something,
00:21:49.898 --> 00:21:52.132
but it...
it's not like I told you
00:21:52.134 --> 00:21:54.734
I wasn't a registered offender.
00:21:54.736 --> 00:21:56.235
Oh, my god, he just said that.
00:21:56.237 --> 00:21:57.771
I saw his lips move
and everything.
00:21:57.773 --> 00:21:58.972
Carl.
00:21:58.974 --> 00:22:01.140
Part of me would like to punch
you in the face right now,
00:22:01.142 --> 00:22:03.777
but another part of me would
like to kick you in the balls.
00:22:03.779 --> 00:22:04.845
Which do you prefer?
00:22:04.847 --> 00:22:08.382
Uh, thanks. I... I normally
don't get a choice.
00:22:08.384 --> 00:22:11.151
But I, I don't know anything
about your house.
00:22:11.153 --> 00:22:14.754
Well, how do I know your house
is as nice as this house?
00:22:14.756 --> 00:22:16.857
Our house is gorgeous.
00:22:16.859 --> 00:22:19.393
Carl, you don't have a choice.
00:22:19.395 --> 00:22:22.128
Our house could be a shack
cantilevered over
00:22:22.130 --> 00:22:24.130
hell's septic tank,
and it wouldn't matter.
00:22:24.132 --> 00:22:25.398
You either move into our house,
00:22:25.400 --> 00:22:29.002
or you're back on the street,
because you cannot stay here.
00:22:29.004 --> 00:22:32.905
I guess I could just get
my 25 grand back
00:22:32.907 --> 00:22:34.340
and find another place.
00:22:41.050 --> 00:22:42.217
You know what?
00:22:43.019 --> 00:22:44.184
Fine with me.
00:22:44.186 --> 00:22:47.287
Because I'm not even sure
that I want you in my house,
00:22:47.289 --> 00:22:50.758
sleeping in our bed,
inside our sheets,
00:22:50.760 --> 00:22:53.260
where I sleep naked
all the time.
00:22:54.330 --> 00:22:56.930
And what if he finds
our home videos?
00:22:56.932 --> 00:22:59.032
Didn't I tell you
not to film that?
00:22:59.034 --> 00:23:01.702
Maybe I can make this work.
00:23:01.704 --> 00:23:03.936
Let me... let me run
something by you.
00:23:03.938 --> 00:23:06.339
The Swedish Duxiana mattress.
00:23:06.341 --> 00:23:09.376
I haven't been able to sleep
one night in it.
00:23:09.378 --> 00:23:13.079
I'm not really interested
in mattresses normally,
00:23:13.081 --> 00:23:16.817
but this is my one time
for this mattress,
00:23:16.819 --> 00:23:18.152
and I'm not even a mattress guy.
00:23:18.154 --> 00:23:20.020
- You want the mattress, Carl?
- Yeah.
00:23:20.022 --> 00:23:21.288
Are you out
of your fucking mind?
00:23:21.290 --> 00:23:22.822
You're not getting the mattress.
00:23:22.824 --> 00:23:24.191
Have you ever had
your head examined?
00:23:24.193 --> 00:23:25.959
What's in there, Pop-Tarts?
00:23:25.961 --> 00:23:27.927
"I'm not even a mattress guy."
00:23:27.929 --> 00:23:29.229
Jesus H. Christ, Carl.
00:23:29.231 --> 00:23:32.299
You are not getting
the fucking mattress!
00:23:32.301 --> 00:23:34.337
Why are we going through
the backyard?
00:23:35.137 --> 00:23:36.736
Why is the sky blue?
00:23:36.738 --> 00:23:38.004
Uh, 'cause sunlight
00:23:38.006 --> 00:23:40.240
is refracted
by dust particles in the air
00:23:40.242 --> 00:23:43.242
and blue is the dominant color
of the spectrum?
00:23:43.244 --> 00:23:45.212
Did you learn that
in the fifth grade,
00:23:45.214 --> 00:23:46.780
or from a fifth grader?
00:23:46.782 --> 00:23:47.850
Ouch.
00:23:50.386 --> 00:23:52.051
Baby,
only you would think
00:23:52.053 --> 00:23:55.923
of turning Nigel's pool
into our own private drive-in.
00:23:55.925 --> 00:23:57.790
Maybe I'm losing my mind.
00:23:57.792 --> 00:23:59.492
Aww.
00:23:59.494 --> 00:24:01.427
Look at her.
00:24:01.429 --> 00:24:03.864
That was Rachel's
fifth-grade play.
00:24:03.866 --> 00:24:05.299
She was so good.
00:24:05.301 --> 00:24:07.835
Rachel was the best thing in it.
I'm being objective.
00:24:07.837 --> 00:24:08.802
I mean, compared to Rachel,
00:24:08.804 --> 00:24:10.771
the rest of these kids
were all laughable.
00:24:10.773 --> 00:24:14.744
Their screechy voices,
so hard on the ears.
00:24:16.011 --> 00:24:18.145
Ah, and there it is.
00:24:18.147 --> 00:24:22.515
Janice's grand,
unforgettable party.
00:24:22.517 --> 00:24:24.818
Your sister
only threw that party
00:24:24.820 --> 00:24:26.753
to prove how rich she is.
00:24:26.755 --> 00:24:30.022
You know, I was in
a 98 cents store today.
00:24:30.024 --> 00:24:32.158
I bet you anything that Janice
00:24:32.160 --> 00:24:35.261
would never set foot
in one of those.
00:24:35.263 --> 00:24:37.297
That's only because
she married Dan,
00:24:37.299 --> 00:24:40.501
not because
she's any smarter than you.
00:24:40.503 --> 00:24:43.236
Do you remember
when we went together?
00:24:43.238 --> 00:24:45.505
You were craving Baby Ruths.
00:24:45.507 --> 00:24:48.308
I just had to have
that Baby Ruth.
00:24:48.310 --> 00:24:50.844
On a hunch,
we bought that pregnancy test
00:24:50.846 --> 00:24:53.347
and eight months later,
00:24:53.349 --> 00:24:55.918
along came our little Rachel.
00:24:56.417 --> 00:24:57.917
To Baby Ruths.
00:24:57.919 --> 00:24:59.386
To Baby Ruths.
00:25:05.226 --> 00:25:06.292
Hello?
00:25:07.362 --> 00:25:08.965
Mr. Teagarten's not at home.
00:25:09.465 --> 00:25:11.063
I'm sorry?
00:25:11.065 --> 00:25:12.965
He owes you money?
00:25:12.967 --> 00:25:15.836
Well, I'm his butler,
not his accountant,
00:25:15.838 --> 00:25:16.936
you fucking ass.
00:25:21.109 --> 00:25:22.876
That was Mastercard.
00:25:22.878 --> 00:25:26.346
Frank, why don't we sell
our funeral plots?
00:25:26.348 --> 00:25:27.848
We can get what,
00:25:27.850 --> 00:25:30.149
2,000 dollars at least, right?
00:25:30.151 --> 00:25:33.355
Shit, baby, I'm sorry.
School wanted a dorm deposit.
00:25:34.290 --> 00:25:35.289
Well, how lovely.
00:25:35.291 --> 00:25:38.325
I actually have to pee
really badly right now,
00:25:38.327 --> 00:25:40.594
and I would normally
do it right here in the pool,
00:25:40.596 --> 00:25:42.799
but I don't wanna make
our problems any worse.
00:25:51.240 --> 00:25:52.475
Is that you, Carl?
00:25:55.476 --> 00:25:57.144
What's up, pervert?
00:25:57.146 --> 00:25:58.478
What the hell
is going on here?
00:25:59.581 --> 00:26:02.182
Nancy, Nancy, call 911!
00:26:02.184 --> 00:26:03.517
Who you talking to?
00:26:03.519 --> 00:26:04.885
Uh, nobody.
00:26:04.887 --> 00:26:06.118
There's nobody else here.
00:26:13.094 --> 00:26:14.930
Oh, my god.
00:26:16.398 --> 00:26:20.166
Run, run, ISIS has come!
00:26:20.168 --> 00:26:22.935
I am... I am neutral!
00:26:22.937 --> 00:26:25.606
Put me down! Put me down!
00:26:47.196 --> 00:26:49.562
You know what this bitch
was doing when I grabbed her?
00:26:49.564 --> 00:26:52.299
Staring at a little girl
in a leotard.
00:26:52.301 --> 00:26:54.001
I'm looking at my daughter.
00:26:54.003 --> 00:26:56.002
The law won't protect
our community
00:26:56.004 --> 00:26:57.439
from deviants like you.
00:26:57.973 --> 00:26:59.075
We will!
00:27:00.975 --> 00:27:03.079
So if we see you
anywhere near...
00:27:03.646 --> 00:27:06.245
112 Blue Jay...
00:27:06.247 --> 00:27:08.014
Oh, my god!
00:27:14.255 --> 00:27:15.992
We just escaped death.
00:27:17.192 --> 00:27:18.392
They thought you were Carl,
00:27:18.394 --> 00:27:20.694
because Carl gave out
Nigel's address.
00:27:20.696 --> 00:27:22.095
They thought I was Carl
00:27:22.097 --> 00:27:24.063
because he gave out
Nigel's address.
00:27:24.065 --> 00:27:26.366
That's what I just said,
why are you screaming?
00:27:26.368 --> 00:27:27.667
The gunshots!
00:27:27.669 --> 00:27:29.339
My ears are, you know.
00:27:31.240 --> 00:27:32.539
You know how you know
when your life
00:27:32.541 --> 00:27:34.473
is out of control?
00:27:34.475 --> 00:27:36.542
When there's a ringing
in your ears
00:27:36.544 --> 00:27:39.078
and you don't know
if it's a creditor calling
00:27:39.080 --> 00:27:41.181
or a kidnapper
has fired a shotgun
00:27:41.183 --> 00:27:43.253
six inches from your head.
00:27:48.256 --> 00:27:50.723
Is that Spanx over tights?
00:27:50.725 --> 00:27:52.725
Yes, I'm double spanking.
00:27:52.727 --> 00:27:55.031
Do you have to scream it
to the world?
00:27:56.031 --> 00:27:57.563
'Cause right about now,
00:27:57.565 --> 00:28:00.166
I'd like to have a pair
of really tight Spanx
00:28:00.168 --> 00:28:03.136
around my fucking neck!
00:28:03.138 --> 00:28:05.973
No, Janice
would never understand.
00:28:05.975 --> 00:28:07.139
But she's your sister.
00:28:07.141 --> 00:28:09.177
She will ask too many questions.
00:28:09.978 --> 00:28:11.511
Our car broke down.
00:28:11.513 --> 00:28:12.611
Right.
00:28:12.613 --> 00:28:14.213
And I'm barefoot
00:28:14.215 --> 00:28:16.383
because we have
the Flintstones car.
00:28:16.385 --> 00:28:18.488
and I peddled it like Wilma.
00:28:22.123 --> 00:28:23.490
What's your guess
on his net worth?
00:28:23.492 --> 00:28:25.424
I'd say at least
a hundred million.
00:28:25.426 --> 00:28:26.526
It's as high
as two hundred million.
00:28:26.528 --> 00:28:28.028
No, that's too high.
00:28:28.030 --> 00:28:30.030
At least a hundred million.
00:28:30.032 --> 00:28:31.498
He's definitely well fed.
00:28:31.500 --> 00:28:32.366
Please, let's go.
00:28:32.368 --> 00:28:35.434
She... she'll never buy
our bullshit.
00:28:35.436 --> 00:28:38.238
And you can't tell her,
or anybody else for that matter.
00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:41.607
That's how this
falling from grace thing works.
00:28:41.609 --> 00:28:45.145
People find out, they look away,
they avert their eyes.
00:28:45.147 --> 00:28:47.047
Especially our friends.
00:28:47.049 --> 00:28:48.447
Are they really
our friends, then?
00:28:48.449 --> 00:28:49.348
Nancy, I'm too tired
00:28:49.350 --> 00:28:51.119
to have a deep conversation
right now.
00:28:53.488 --> 00:28:54.523
But, no.
00:28:55.357 --> 00:28:56.455
No, Frank.
00:28:56.457 --> 00:28:58.625
Why are you forcing me
to do this?
00:28:58.627 --> 00:29:01.194
I cannot take
this shit right now.
00:29:01.196 --> 00:29:02.796
I'm gonna get an anxiety attack.
00:29:02.798 --> 00:29:04.063
Not Betty.
00:29:04.065 --> 00:29:07.099
Okay, I understand you
didn't wanna stay at Janice's,
00:29:07.101 --> 00:29:08.702
but now you don't wanna stay
at this sister's house?
00:29:08.704 --> 00:29:10.302
Look, we have nowhere to go.
00:29:10.304 --> 00:29:12.539
Carl's in our house,
we can't go back to Nigel's
00:29:12.541 --> 00:29:14.407
'cause those psychos said
they'd kill us,
00:29:14.409 --> 00:29:16.643
we don't have any credit cards,
you're barefoot,
00:29:16.645 --> 00:29:17.711
and I feel like hell.
00:29:17.713 --> 00:29:19.078
Of course, you do.
00:29:19.080 --> 00:29:20.680
'Cause we're almost there.
00:29:20.682 --> 00:29:22.148
That is hell.
00:29:22.150 --> 00:29:23.617
It's like we're in Kansas,
00:29:23.619 --> 00:29:26.386
and we're about to get sucked
into a tornado
00:29:26.388 --> 00:29:28.621
and drop into an inferno
00:29:28.623 --> 00:29:32.192
where Oompa Loompa's
on speed are the gatekeepers.
00:29:32.194 --> 00:29:33.626
Baby,
I'm gonna need some time
00:29:33.628 --> 00:29:35.529
to sort through
all those analogies.
00:29:35.531 --> 00:29:37.664
Besides, it's not that bad.
00:29:37.666 --> 00:29:39.532
Just smile a lot.
00:29:39.534 --> 00:29:42.234
See? Smile. Like this.
00:29:42.236 --> 00:29:44.171
Let's see how long that lasts.
00:29:49.544 --> 00:29:51.778
- Hi, Tristan.
- Hi, Tristan.
00:29:51.780 --> 00:29:53.113
Why is she barefoot?
00:29:53.115 --> 00:29:54.580
- Uh, Tai Chi.
- Uh...
00:29:54.582 --> 00:29:56.116
It's... it's very relaxing.
00:29:56.118 --> 00:29:57.651
Uh, can we come in?
00:29:57.653 --> 00:30:00.220
I guess you could come in.
00:30:00.222 --> 00:30:03.255
Dad, Uncle Frank
and Aunt Nancy are here.
00:30:03.257 --> 00:30:05.157
That's a really cool
walkie-talkie.
00:30:05.159 --> 00:30:06.393
Yeah, well, not to me.
00:30:06.395 --> 00:30:09.195
My fucking dad won't spring
for the Ace 10s,
00:30:09.197 --> 00:30:10.797
which are way more badass.
00:30:10.799 --> 00:30:12.799
- Hm.
- Navy SEALs use Ace 10s.
00:30:12.801 --> 00:30:14.800
They also use cool martial arts
like Krav Maga
00:30:14.802 --> 00:30:15.868
and cool shit like that.
00:30:15.870 --> 00:30:19.106
Tai Chi's for homos,
but you probably knew that.
00:30:19.108 --> 00:30:20.773
Smile, Frank.
00:30:20.775 --> 00:30:22.675
Oh, hi, Trey.
00:30:22.677 --> 00:30:23.777
I wish.
00:30:23.779 --> 00:30:27.446
My walkie-talkie is dead
as a used dick.
00:30:27.448 --> 00:30:28.848
You have
any nine-volt batteries?
00:30:28.850 --> 00:30:30.216
- Me?
- Can I search you?
00:30:30.218 --> 00:30:31.318
- What?
- Nothing.
00:30:31.320 --> 00:30:34.120
Dad, for god sakes,
what is this, a Beckett play?
00:30:34.122 --> 00:30:35.754
When did this turn
into Waiting for Godot?
00:30:35.756 --> 00:30:38.390
That is quite a reference
for a young lad.
00:30:38.392 --> 00:30:40.359
Yeah, I'm Vladimir
and he's Estregon.
00:30:40.361 --> 00:30:42.364
- It... it's Estragon.
- Bullshit.
00:30:43.197 --> 00:30:44.463
Dad, chop-chop,
00:30:44.465 --> 00:30:46.566
the small talk's getting
a little thin out here.
00:30:46.568 --> 00:30:47.901
All right,
I'm coming, I'm coming,
00:30:47.903 --> 00:30:49.435
don't get your panties in a wad.
00:30:49.437 --> 00:30:51.570
All hail, Lord Douchington.
00:30:51.572 --> 00:30:52.672
Hi, Bob.
00:30:52.674 --> 00:30:53.839
Hey, you made it.
00:30:53.841 --> 00:30:55.242
How's the trip?
00:30:55.244 --> 00:30:57.376
- Found everything okay?
- Douche.
00:30:57.378 --> 00:30:59.378
Hey, that's TV for a week, pal.
00:30:59.380 --> 00:31:01.117
- Señor Douche.
- Yeah...
00:31:03.252 --> 00:31:04.350
God.
00:31:04.352 --> 00:31:05.618
Delightful.
00:31:05.620 --> 00:31:07.587
Hey, so, Nance,
how come you're barefoot?
00:31:07.589 --> 00:31:08.888
You ain't going hippie on me,
are you?
00:31:08.890 --> 00:31:10.322
Yeah.
00:31:10.324 --> 00:31:11.924
Um, I'm like...
00:31:11.926 --> 00:31:14.261
Wilma Flintstone.
00:31:14.263 --> 00:31:15.529
Fred was the one who drove.
00:31:15.531 --> 00:31:17.563
Wilma just rode shotgun.
00:31:17.565 --> 00:31:18.865
She drove sometimes.
00:31:18.867 --> 00:31:21.635
So, uh, they're termite tending
your house? What?
00:31:21.637 --> 00:31:23.336
Well, yeah, we tried to sleep
in the den,
00:31:23.338 --> 00:31:24.370
but there were all these fumes,
00:31:24.372 --> 00:31:26.639
and then it was like
we were back in the '60s.
00:31:27.842 --> 00:31:28.908
Well, I wouldn't know.
00:31:28.910 --> 00:31:30.476
I'm way younger than you are.
00:31:30.478 --> 00:31:32.215
Hey, but I do know
the tending game.
00:31:32.813 --> 00:31:34.047
We got spiders.
00:31:34.049 --> 00:31:36.715
When those spider eggs pop,
those little spiders come out,
00:31:36.717 --> 00:31:38.818
they start biting everything
like crazy.
00:31:38.820 --> 00:31:40.453
Smile, Frank.
00:31:40.455 --> 00:31:42.422
Oh, yeah.
00:31:42.424 --> 00:31:43.956
Do I sound defensive?
00:31:43.958 --> 00:31:45.658
- No.
- Is Betty coming down?
00:31:45.660 --> 00:31:47.359
I was telling Frank
on the phone,
00:31:47.361 --> 00:31:48.962
she's laid up with diarrhea.
00:31:48.964 --> 00:31:51.830
She accidentally made a sandwich
out of cat food.
00:31:51.832 --> 00:31:53.899
Well, don't worry about us.
We had dinner already.
00:31:53.901 --> 00:31:54.967
I think I'm gonna go see
00:31:54.969 --> 00:31:56.770
- how she's...
- Hey, hey, hey. You...
00:31:56.772 --> 00:31:58.605
You don't wanna go up there
right now.
00:31:58.607 --> 00:32:01.340
She's on the throne,
blowing brown,
00:32:01.342 --> 00:32:02.442
if you catch my drift.
00:32:02.444 --> 00:32:03.510
I caught it, yeah.
00:32:03.512 --> 00:32:04.578
Hey, but like I said,
00:32:04.580 --> 00:32:06.512
you two are welcome to bunk
in the twins' room.
00:32:06.514 --> 00:32:09.648
Our room?
Why not your room?
00:32:09.650 --> 00:32:11.518
Because you two can sleep
on the couch tonight.
00:32:11.520 --> 00:32:12.552
Over.
00:32:12.554 --> 00:32:15.688
Ever hear
of a Motel 6? Over.
00:32:15.690 --> 00:32:17.192
Ah. Hilarious.
00:32:18.224 --> 00:32:18.857
I'm just gonna show you
to the room,
00:32:18.859 --> 00:32:20.760
hopefully, we won't get lost.
00:32:20.762 --> 00:32:22.398
Let's do this every month.
00:32:28.803 --> 00:32:30.403
Sorry, fellas.
00:32:30.405 --> 00:32:31.805
Sorry enough to go away?
00:32:31.807 --> 00:32:33.740
- Wow.
- The bed is small.
00:32:33.742 --> 00:32:35.375
If you're gonna do
any stuff in it,
00:32:35.377 --> 00:32:37.480
just wash the sheets after.
00:32:38.746 --> 00:32:39.812
Will do.
00:32:39.814 --> 00:32:42.581
It's gross.
00:32:42.583 --> 00:32:44.684
Are we talking about
the same thing?
00:32:44.686 --> 00:32:46.418
- I'm serious.
- I'm sure you are.
00:32:46.420 --> 00:32:47.921
- Do we have a problem?
- I don't think so.
00:32:47.923 --> 00:32:49.755
Are we done now?
00:32:49.757 --> 00:32:51.790
Yeah, I think we're done.
00:32:51.792 --> 00:32:54.828
Did you know that you can hack
into baby monitors?
00:32:54.830 --> 00:32:56.596
We're teaching
our neighbor's baby
00:32:56.598 --> 00:32:57.931
how to say the N-word.
00:32:59.167 --> 00:33:00.834
Uh, Nancy, would you join me
outside for a cigarette please?
00:33:00.836 --> 00:33:01.969
Please. Yeah.
00:33:01.971 --> 00:33:04.471
You understand now
what I was talking about?
00:33:04.473 --> 00:33:06.572
Except Oompa Loompas
are not on speed,
00:33:06.574 --> 00:33:09.041
they are on angel dust.
00:33:09.043 --> 00:33:10.976
How did we get so lucky
with Rachel?
00:33:10.978 --> 00:33:12.979
Well, we communicated
with her directly,
00:33:12.981 --> 00:33:14.713
not through some CB Radio.
00:33:14.715 --> 00:33:16.619
Let's start there
and reverse engineer it.
00:33:19.053 --> 00:33:20.787
I was thinking,
00:33:20.789 --> 00:33:22.021
we rented Nigel's house to Carl
00:33:22.023 --> 00:33:23.656
but we had to move him over
to our house,
00:33:23.658 --> 00:33:26.292
which means that Nigel's house
is still empty.
00:33:26.294 --> 00:33:27.793
I say we rent
Nigel's house again...
00:33:27.795 --> 00:33:28.662
- Frank!
- ...only this time
00:33:28.664 --> 00:33:30.696
to somebody who isn't
a sex offender.
00:33:30.698 --> 00:33:34.000
Or, why don't we just
handcuff ourselves
00:33:34.002 --> 00:33:37.337
and walk straight
into the police station, Frank?
00:33:37.339 --> 00:33:39.071
This place is filled
with spider webs.
00:33:39.073 --> 00:33:40.706
Well, as you can see,
they don't clean.
00:33:40.708 --> 00:33:43.409
The original Craigslist ad
is still on my phone.
00:33:43.411 --> 00:33:45.044
I say we post it again.
00:33:45.046 --> 00:33:47.646
Are you not listening
to me, Frank?
00:33:47.648 --> 00:33:50.916
Absolutely no fucking way.
00:33:50.918 --> 00:33:52.685
This is where we draw the line.
00:33:52.687 --> 00:33:54.687
Baby, I don't know what's
on the other side of that line,
00:33:54.689 --> 00:33:56.423
but I do know what's
on this side of that line,
00:33:56.425 --> 00:33:57.890
and it is bleak.
00:33:57.892 --> 00:33:59.392
Okay, here's the original
Craigslist ad.
00:33:59.394 --> 00:34:00.559
- Don't you dare.
- We delete some
00:34:00.561 --> 00:34:02.695
of the bad words, I think
you were drunk at the time.
00:34:02.697 --> 00:34:04.697
I was drunk at the time?
00:34:04.699 --> 00:34:07.733
And it is done.
00:34:07.735 --> 00:34:09.335
You just posted it again?
00:34:09.337 --> 00:34:11.871
Frank, you just smoked a spider!
00:34:15.777 --> 00:34:16.909
Give me the Heimlich!
00:34:22.784 --> 00:34:23.949
What the hell
is going on?
00:34:23.951 --> 00:34:25.617
You woke up my baby!
00:34:25.619 --> 00:34:27.887
Frank, I get it,
you smoked a spider.
00:34:27.889 --> 00:34:29.889
But can you keep it down?
00:34:30.958 --> 00:34:32.294
Hit me in the back.
00:34:33.561 --> 00:34:34.964
Not with the...
00:34:36.931 --> 00:34:40.532
Natalie, tell your kids
to stay off my baby monitor.
00:34:40.534 --> 00:34:42.701
It's your fault
for having a baby monitor.
00:34:42.703 --> 00:34:44.036
It's an attractive nuisance.
00:34:44.038 --> 00:34:45.505
Oh! There it is.
00:34:48.810 --> 00:34:51.076
Oh, Frank, are you okay?
00:34:51.078 --> 00:34:52.645
Do you want another cigarette?
00:34:54.148 --> 00:34:55.884
Are you all right baby?
00:35:20.442 --> 00:35:21.907
Dad, come quick.
00:35:21.909 --> 00:35:23.946
Why is Uncle Frank
doing this to me?
00:35:26.647 --> 00:35:28.648
What the hell? Oh, my god!
00:35:28.650 --> 00:35:30.386
- Yes?
- Frank!
00:35:31.018 --> 00:35:33.018
My god!
00:35:33.020 --> 00:35:35.054
What is going on?
00:35:35.056 --> 00:35:37.623
Nancy, are... are you naked?
00:35:37.625 --> 00:35:39.893
No, I'm not naked. It's a shirt.
00:35:39.895 --> 00:35:41.795
Tristan, what are those?
00:35:41.797 --> 00:35:44.831
It's Aunt Nancy's Spanx,
Uncle Frank made me wear them.
00:35:44.833 --> 00:35:45.898
Now stop this.
00:35:45.900 --> 00:35:47.000
- Frank, how could you?
- What?
00:35:47.002 --> 00:35:48.134
He's just a boy.
00:35:48.136 --> 00:35:49.636
I'm so scared right now.
00:35:49.638 --> 00:35:51.036
Oh, shit.
00:35:51.038 --> 00:35:52.605
Jesus Christ.
00:35:52.607 --> 00:35:53.873
Betty.
00:35:53.875 --> 00:35:56.041
She just stuck
her tongue out at me.
00:35:56.043 --> 00:35:59.114
Frank, downstairs, now.
00:36:03.884 --> 00:36:05.087
Who are you?
00:36:10.125 --> 00:36:11.224
You know what, Frank?
00:36:11.226 --> 00:36:14.793
It's not pleasant to be mistaken
for a sex offender,
00:36:14.795 --> 00:36:19.199
and molesting your nephew
in less than 24 hours.
00:36:19.201 --> 00:36:21.099
But right now,
00:36:21.101 --> 00:36:22.902
I feel sorry for my sister.
00:36:22.904 --> 00:36:25.804
I am actually
really worried for her.
00:36:25.806 --> 00:36:27.507
As you should be.
00:36:27.509 --> 00:36:30.009
Pretty soon,
some court-appointed therapist
00:36:30.011 --> 00:36:31.746
is gonna be white knuckling
with those two kids.
00:36:33.147 --> 00:36:34.681
I see that your sister
calmed down enough
00:36:34.683 --> 00:36:35.815
to lend you her wig, huh?
00:36:35.817 --> 00:36:39.117
Oh, yeah, I don't know
whose wig it is in that house.
00:36:39.119 --> 00:36:41.022
Well, it helps us hide
from the kidnappers.
00:36:42.623 --> 00:36:44.157
Hey, are you Wayne,
the guy that answered the ad?
00:36:44.159 --> 00:36:45.224
Yeah, yeah.
00:36:45.226 --> 00:36:46.726
- I'm Frank.
- Yeah. What are you two,
00:36:46.728 --> 00:36:47.893
in the witness
protection program?
00:36:47.895 --> 00:36:49.862
Uh, no, we were just sunning
ourselves in the backyard.
00:36:49.864 --> 00:36:51.130
- Is that your truck, Wayne?
- Yeah.
00:36:51.132 --> 00:36:52.165
Oh, that's fantastic.
Step inside
00:36:52.167 --> 00:36:54.002
and we'll just take a look
at the house, okay?
00:36:58.072 --> 00:37:00.273
The ad said, uh,
the house comes furnished.
00:37:00.275 --> 00:37:03.041
Uh, yup. It only needs
a mattress. Long story.
00:37:03.043 --> 00:37:04.576
The previous tenant took it.
00:37:04.578 --> 00:37:05.645
Short story.
00:37:05.647 --> 00:37:08.681
Okay, then. I wrote you a check.
00:37:08.683 --> 00:37:10.817
You, uh, that's it? You don't
wanna have a look around?
00:37:10.819 --> 00:37:13.085
Listen, not to be an asshole.
You wanna rent the place or not?
00:37:13.087 --> 00:37:15.054
I mean, I got shit tons
of stuff to do.
00:37:15.056 --> 00:37:17.757
Yes, uh, no, uh, sure.
00:37:17.759 --> 00:37:19.291
It's just that normally
there's a process.
00:37:19.293 --> 00:37:21.293
We learned the hard way
to ask questions.
00:37:22.563 --> 00:37:24.697
Did you hear that?
00:37:24.699 --> 00:37:26.101
What's that?
00:37:27.302 --> 00:37:28.567
Good lord.
00:37:28.569 --> 00:37:29.469
Oh, there's something
on my face.
00:37:29.471 --> 00:37:31.971
No, don't touch your face!
Don't panic.
00:37:31.973 --> 00:37:33.706
You're covered in spiders.
00:37:33.708 --> 00:37:35.041
Jesus, baby don't move!
00:37:37.244 --> 00:37:39.244
Ah! They're crawling in my body!
00:37:39.246 --> 00:37:40.179
Hey, come here.
Come here.
00:37:40.181 --> 00:37:42.949
Frank, you saw them!
Get them, get them!
00:37:42.951 --> 00:37:45.117
They're biting me,
they're biting me!
00:37:46.788 --> 00:37:49.322
They're biting me!
Ah! Get the Spanx!
00:37:49.324 --> 00:37:51.590
Get the Spanx! Get 'em!
00:37:55.130 --> 00:37:57.130
Take them out!
00:38:00.335 --> 00:38:01.967
Let's go to the hospital!
00:38:01.969 --> 00:38:03.869
Take me to the hospital!
00:38:06.107 --> 00:38:07.576
Get my Spanx!
00:38:10.344 --> 00:38:11.844
Oh, my god.
00:38:11.846 --> 00:38:13.179
Oh, my god, I'm burning!
00:38:16.018 --> 00:38:17.884
Oh, Frank,
what have I done?
00:38:17.886 --> 00:38:19.018
Tell my Rachel I love her.
00:38:19.020 --> 00:38:20.853
You're not gonna die,
you're not gonna die.
00:38:20.855 --> 00:38:22.654
You hear me? Woah! Woah!
00:38:22.656 --> 00:38:24.724
Stop scratching yourself,
don't antagonize it,
00:38:24.726 --> 00:38:25.824
for god sake's.
00:38:25.826 --> 00:38:27.159
Nancy, you're gonna be fine,
00:38:27.161 --> 00:38:28.795
the doctors will give you
an ointment.
00:38:28.797 --> 00:38:30.096
Look, I'm steering the wheel.
Hold on, hold on.
00:38:30.098 --> 00:38:31.598
God I hate spiders,
00:38:31.600 --> 00:38:32.799
don't you?
Wait, there's another one.
00:38:32.801 --> 00:38:34.333
Whoa!
00:39:13.674 --> 00:39:14.741
Oh!
00:39:16.243 --> 00:39:18.710
Tyler, how are you?
00:39:18.712 --> 00:39:20.279
Uh, Frank, how are you?
00:39:20.281 --> 00:39:21.913
I'm on the right side
of the grass my man,
00:39:21.915 --> 00:39:23.983
what's the haps?
00:39:23.985 --> 00:39:26.686
No offense Frank,
but how did you get in here?
00:39:26.688 --> 00:39:29.221
This is a restricted
access garage.
00:39:29.223 --> 00:39:31.657
Well, I still have
my Jensen parking pass,
00:39:31.659 --> 00:39:34.862
and I have an interview today
up on 16 with, uh, Gretina.
00:39:36.331 --> 00:39:38.167
Gretina's not
on 16 anymore, Frank.
00:39:39.000 --> 00:39:40.233
What floor are they on?
00:39:40.235 --> 00:39:41.704
They moved to Seattle.
00:39:43.404 --> 00:39:44.971
Well, don't remind me,
00:39:44.973 --> 00:39:46.105
'cause I'm dying
for a Starbucks,
00:39:46.107 --> 00:39:48.007
but the meeting is on Skype.
00:39:48.009 --> 00:39:50.212
I'm gonna Skype to uh, Seattle.
00:39:53.748 --> 00:39:54.947
Oh, don't, don't.
00:39:54.949 --> 00:39:56.916
Don't Tyler,
don't give me that look.
00:39:56.918 --> 00:39:58.287
I know that look. Please.
00:40:00.355 --> 00:40:02.422
Everything's fine.
Everything with us is okay.
00:40:02.424 --> 00:40:03.357
Oh, honey,
00:40:03.359 --> 00:40:05.724
you remember Tyler Rector
from Jensen Med?
00:40:05.726 --> 00:40:06.793
Baby, can you hear me?
00:40:15.869 --> 00:40:16.871
How can I help?
00:40:18.873 --> 00:40:20.405
So that's
the long and short.
00:40:20.407 --> 00:40:23.809
But the, uh, silver lining
is that at least for now,
00:40:23.811 --> 00:40:25.712
uh, we don't have to worry
about Rachel's college.
00:40:25.714 --> 00:40:26.882
But, we're homeless.
00:40:28.482 --> 00:40:32.317
Wow, that's, uh,
that's quite a story.
00:40:32.319 --> 00:40:34.954
So all this started
with one mistake?
00:40:34.956 --> 00:40:37.889
With a bunch
of smaller ones shooting off it.
00:40:37.891 --> 00:40:41.828
Kind of like when
a spider egg pops,
00:40:41.830 --> 00:40:44.297
and all these little spiders
00:40:44.299 --> 00:40:46.933
come and bite you in the ass.
00:40:46.935 --> 00:40:48.270
Are you gonna eat that?
00:40:48.936 --> 00:40:50.406
Mm. No, please.
00:40:51.072 --> 00:40:52.074
Thank you.
00:40:53.340 --> 00:40:55.174
Listen, guys.
00:40:55.176 --> 00:40:57.375
I know someone.
His name's Randall.
00:40:57.377 --> 00:41:00.378
Let me give him a call, Frank.
He might have something for you.
00:41:00.380 --> 00:41:01.514
It'd be a start.
00:41:01.516 --> 00:41:03.014
Tyler,
that would be great.
00:41:03.016 --> 00:41:06.085
And we also still have
Wayne's check.
00:41:06.087 --> 00:41:08.420
We can always, uh, cash that.
00:41:08.422 --> 00:41:11.924
Frank, if you cash that check,
then it's no longer one mistake.
00:41:11.926 --> 00:41:13.025
It becomes a pattern.
00:41:13.027 --> 00:41:14.326
Exactly.
00:41:14.328 --> 00:41:16.395
That's what I've been trying
to tell him.
00:41:16.397 --> 00:41:19.364
But, Tyler,
desperation is a bitch.
00:41:19.366 --> 00:41:21.199
Thank you so much
00:41:21.201 --> 00:41:24.237
for everything
that you've done to help us.
00:41:24.239 --> 00:41:27.340
So, you guys have your work
cut out for you.
00:41:27.342 --> 00:41:30.946
Just remember, grass can grow
through concrete.
00:41:32.212 --> 00:41:35.447
Did he say your ass
can grow through...
00:41:35.449 --> 00:41:37.315
No, no, no.
No, no, look, the phrase is,
00:41:37.317 --> 00:41:40.920
"Grass can grow
through concrete."
00:41:40.922 --> 00:41:43.355
Can I give you that, please?
Do you mind if I?
00:41:43.357 --> 00:41:44.426
Thank you.
00:41:49.563 --> 00:41:52.000
Nancy,
you're gonna be all right.
00:41:56.404 --> 00:41:58.471
Don't panic, Nancy.
00:41:58.473 --> 00:42:00.873
You're gonna take a hot bath.
00:42:00.875 --> 00:42:02.474
You're gonna get fresh clothes,
00:42:02.476 --> 00:42:04.811
you're gonna do your hair
and makeup.
00:42:04.813 --> 00:42:06.478
You're three minutes
from being yourself.
00:42:06.480 --> 00:42:09.415
What the fuck?
00:42:09.417 --> 00:42:11.384
Uh, thank you
for taking this lunch,
00:42:11.386 --> 00:42:13.286
- I know you're busy.
- No, of course.
00:42:13.288 --> 00:42:14.253
Tyler called me,
00:42:14.255 --> 00:42:15.355
told me a little bit
about your background.
00:42:15.357 --> 00:42:17.523
Well, I hope he exaggerated
in all the right places.
00:42:20.060 --> 00:42:22.128
That's my wife, I'm sorry.
00:42:22.130 --> 00:42:24.496
- Hi, honey.
- Damn it, Frank. We're cursed.
00:42:24.498 --> 00:42:28.034
I am at Nigel's house,
and everything is gone.
00:42:28.036 --> 00:42:32.204
They took my purse,
my phone, Nigel's furniture.
00:42:32.206 --> 00:42:36.275
That guy Wayne was all wrong,
and we knew it.
00:42:36.277 --> 00:42:39.311
Oh, fuck it,
they stole everything!
00:42:39.313 --> 00:42:42.315
I see, uh... That's, uh, yes.
00:42:42.317 --> 00:42:44.016
That's great.
00:42:44.018 --> 00:42:46.384
Thanks for calling,
and we'll celebrate later, okay?
00:42:46.386 --> 00:42:47.887
- I'll see you. Bye.
- No, don't hang up.
00:42:47.889 --> 00:42:49.322
Don't hang up!
00:42:49.324 --> 00:42:51.456
- You okay?
- Uh, yeah, it's all good.
00:42:51.458 --> 00:42:54.427
My wife just got an article
published in, um...
00:42:54.429 --> 00:42:55.831
Omni magazine.
00:42:56.464 --> 00:42:57.697
Great.
00:42:57.699 --> 00:43:00.269
Omni must be feeling good too.
Be back up and running.
00:43:01.002 --> 00:43:02.067
I'm sorry?
00:43:02.069 --> 00:43:04.172
They folded
about two decades ago.
00:43:05.272 --> 00:43:07.105
Wow.
00:43:07.107 --> 00:43:10.375
Man plans and God laughs, right?
I mean...
00:43:10.377 --> 00:43:12.578
Everybody's got a plan
until you get...
00:43:12.580 --> 00:43:14.313
punched in the face.
00:43:14.315 --> 00:43:17.183
Jesus. Sorry, uh, Frank.
00:43:17.185 --> 00:43:18.384
Uh, I'm sorry. I...
00:43:18.386 --> 00:43:20.987
No, no. I'm Frank, you're...
00:43:20.989 --> 00:43:22.054
- Randall.
- Randall.
00:43:22.056 --> 00:43:23.956
Right. Uh, I'm sorry.
00:43:23.958 --> 00:43:25.226
Uh, can we start over again?
00:43:25.592 --> 00:43:26.594
Sure.
00:43:28.663 --> 00:43:30.395
Hi, I'm Frank.
00:43:51.552 --> 00:43:53.219
For god's sake!
00:43:53.221 --> 00:43:56.123
Carl, I just need to get
a few things.
00:44:26.321 --> 00:44:28.123
Oh, my god.
00:44:30.525 --> 00:44:32.625
You come in my house,
you come in my house.
00:44:32.627 --> 00:44:34.460
You like that?
You like that, bitch?
00:44:37.699 --> 00:44:40.498
Is that Nancy? Ah!
00:44:40.500 --> 00:44:44.103
I'm sorry, my gosh,
did you change your hair?
00:44:48.042 --> 00:44:49.608
I'm so sorry
about the pepper spray,
00:44:49.610 --> 00:44:51.444
I thought you were an intruder.
00:44:51.446 --> 00:44:53.112
Not that you look like
an intruder.
00:44:53.114 --> 00:44:54.246
I'm against profiling,
00:44:54.248 --> 00:44:57.315
not that I necessarily
would want sushi from a redhead,
00:44:57.317 --> 00:45:01.420
I prefer an Asian child,
if you know what I mean.
00:45:01.422 --> 00:45:03.355
Why didn't my key work?
00:45:03.357 --> 00:45:05.590
I had the locks changed.
00:45:05.592 --> 00:45:06.659
You what?
00:45:06.661 --> 00:45:08.561
You can't change our locks.
00:45:08.563 --> 00:45:11.429
- Carl?
- Oh, uh, um...
00:45:11.431 --> 00:45:13.199
This is not your house, Carl.
00:45:13.201 --> 00:45:14.699
Um, I... Look...
00:45:14.701 --> 00:45:16.402
What are you wearing?
00:45:16.404 --> 00:45:18.036
What, this?
00:45:18.038 --> 00:45:20.641
You know what, I, uh,
I got you guys a key.
00:45:21.308 --> 00:45:22.474
Um.
00:45:22.476 --> 00:45:24.677
Uh, there you go.
00:45:24.679 --> 00:45:25.677
What the...
00:45:25.679 --> 00:45:28.313
The wood's
so you don't misplace it.
00:45:28.315 --> 00:45:30.081
Carl.
00:45:30.083 --> 00:45:32.150
This is not a gas station.
00:45:32.152 --> 00:45:34.085
What is wrong with you?
00:45:34.087 --> 00:45:36.188
You know, whatever.
00:45:36.190 --> 00:45:38.659
I just need to get some stuff
from my closet.
00:45:40.261 --> 00:45:41.362
Your closet?
00:45:43.531 --> 00:45:45.398
What... what is this?
00:45:45.400 --> 00:45:47.299
I mean, what is this?
00:45:47.301 --> 00:45:48.400
Where's my stuff?
00:45:48.402 --> 00:45:50.268
What have you done
with my closet?
00:45:50.270 --> 00:45:52.070
I made it into a panic room.
00:45:52.072 --> 00:45:54.040
You can't do that, Carl.
00:45:54.042 --> 00:45:55.775
Remember, this is not
your house.
00:45:55.777 --> 00:45:57.675
Did you ever see
the Jody Foster movie?
00:45:57.677 --> 00:45:59.612
And please put a shirt on.
00:45:59.614 --> 00:46:03.248
I've been really nervous lately.
00:46:03.250 --> 00:46:05.483
Uh, people have been ringing
the doorbell all day
00:46:05.485 --> 00:46:07.485
asking about
the yard sale and, uh,
00:46:07.487 --> 00:46:10.155
and then I was really scared
when I saw the...
00:46:10.157 --> 00:46:12.358
the video on the internet
of you and Frank
00:46:12.360 --> 00:46:14.393
being kidnapped with a shotgun.
00:46:14.395 --> 00:46:15.728
There's a video on the internet?
00:46:15.730 --> 00:46:17.195
Nancy,
you're the best part of it.
00:46:17.197 --> 00:46:18.764
You came across really real.
00:46:18.766 --> 00:46:22.134
I was real, you dumb fuck.
00:46:24.138 --> 00:46:25.741
Uh, we're locked in.
00:46:26.773 --> 00:46:28.541
Did you say,
00:46:28.543 --> 00:46:31.543
"catalytic converters"?
00:46:31.545 --> 00:46:33.846
Frank, I know it's not
a sexy business,
00:46:33.848 --> 00:46:37.183
but catalytic converters
are like mini treasure chests.
00:46:37.185 --> 00:46:38.284
We snip them off the cars,
00:46:38.286 --> 00:46:41.186
smelt them down and sell off
the expensive metals.
00:46:41.188 --> 00:46:43.855
Palladium, rhodium, platinum.
00:46:43.857 --> 00:46:45.791
Most cases,
cat cons are worth more
00:46:45.793 --> 00:46:47.226
than the junk cars themselves.
00:46:48.763 --> 00:46:52.130
You mean I would crawl
underneath the car
00:46:52.132 --> 00:46:54.099
and snip them?
00:46:54.101 --> 00:46:55.237
That's... that's the job?
00:46:57.205 --> 00:46:59.672
Listen, Frank.
I'm gonna be honest.
00:46:59.674 --> 00:47:03.342
I could use the extra hand
but I don't need the extra hand.
00:47:03.344 --> 00:47:05.311
Tyler told me
you needed a leg up,
00:47:05.313 --> 00:47:06.378
this is what I got.
00:47:06.380 --> 00:47:09.681
I'm really glad you're here.
00:47:09.683 --> 00:47:10.815
Me gusta.
00:47:12.719 --> 00:47:15.654
Oh, jeez. That was...
00:47:17.491 --> 00:47:18.425
That was...
00:47:18.427 --> 00:47:21.494
If you ever try
anything like that again,
00:47:21.496 --> 00:47:23.228
I am gonna kick your ass
00:47:23.230 --> 00:47:26.467
up and down this panic room
like an air hockey puck!
00:47:27.435 --> 00:47:28.666
Oh, okay.
00:47:32.172 --> 00:47:34.340
Thank you,
Virgincita de Guadalupe
00:47:34.342 --> 00:47:37.813
for making Carl
such a breathtaking moron.
00:47:39.714 --> 00:47:42.417
You forgot about
the attic hatch,
00:47:42.917 --> 00:47:45.217
Einstein.
00:47:45.219 --> 00:47:47.556
Uh. Hey, I...
I'm sorry about the...
00:47:48.422 --> 00:47:49.587
misunderstanding.
00:47:49.589 --> 00:47:52.190
I guess I misread your signals.
00:47:52.192 --> 00:47:53.458
What signals?
00:47:53.460 --> 00:47:56.395
God, your legs are so strong.
00:47:56.397 --> 00:47:58.329
I guess it's
from running track, huh?
00:47:58.331 --> 00:47:59.632
I saw your medals.
00:47:59.634 --> 00:48:01.300
How did you find my medals?
00:48:01.302 --> 00:48:02.800
They were hidden in the garage.
00:48:02.802 --> 00:48:04.402
Yeah, way back there.
00:48:04.404 --> 00:48:06.237
And you should really
hide them better.
00:48:06.239 --> 00:48:07.873
But you were the fastest
on the team,
00:48:07.875 --> 00:48:09.641
but what I don't understand is,
00:48:09.643 --> 00:48:11.809
in the relay,
why did you run fourth?
00:48:11.811 --> 00:48:13.945
Shouldn't the fastest runner
go first?
00:48:13.947 --> 00:48:15.614
Maybe you weren't the fastest.
00:48:15.616 --> 00:48:17.683
I was the fastest.
00:48:17.685 --> 00:48:19.317
That's not the way it works.
00:48:19.319 --> 00:48:21.587
When you're the fastest, you...
00:48:21.589 --> 00:48:23.889
Oh, what am I doing,
why am I talking to you?
00:48:23.891 --> 00:48:26.491
Please help me out.
00:48:26.493 --> 00:48:28.494
Uh, the bottom line is,
I'm interested.
00:48:28.496 --> 00:48:30.695
And, uh, I... I work hard,
00:48:30.697 --> 00:48:33.734
and I take any job I do,
uh, very seriously.
00:48:34.435 --> 00:48:36.235
Okay.
00:48:36.237 --> 00:48:38.404
Here comes the cold water.
00:48:38.406 --> 00:48:39.804
We can only offer you
00:48:39.806 --> 00:48:41.607
about a third
of what you were making.
00:48:41.609 --> 00:48:43.541
Tyler told me
your ballpark salary.
00:48:43.543 --> 00:48:45.677
You did very, very well.
00:48:45.679 --> 00:48:46.714
A third?
00:48:47.681 --> 00:48:49.315
Listen, I wish it was different.
00:48:49.317 --> 00:48:50.715
I used to make
high-end five figures
00:48:50.717 --> 00:48:52.951
over at Brent Talbot,
then the fan hit the shit.
00:48:52.953 --> 00:48:56.355
Now, I got a sales staff
of guys longing for the days
00:48:56.357 --> 00:48:57.456
of Hugo Boss suits
00:48:57.458 --> 00:48:59.991
and paychecks
with commas in them.
00:48:59.993 --> 00:49:02.228
Frank, you think I like crawling
around in the dirt
00:49:02.230 --> 00:49:03.561
snipping smoke sacks?
00:49:03.563 --> 00:49:04.697
Shit.
00:49:04.699 --> 00:49:07.465
Some days I look at one of those
cat cons and think...
00:49:07.467 --> 00:49:09.634
I'll just wrap my lips
around it,
00:49:09.636 --> 00:49:12.273
take a deep breath,
go meet some dead relatives.
00:49:12.839 --> 00:49:14.005
How old are you?
00:49:14.007 --> 00:49:16.275
Sixty-five?
00:49:16.277 --> 00:49:17.610
Sixty-six?
00:49:17.612 --> 00:49:18.811
Anyways.
00:49:18.813 --> 00:49:22.348
Guys your age,
you gotta adapt or die.
00:49:22.350 --> 00:49:24.483
That's the new America.
Trust me.
00:49:24.485 --> 00:49:25.720
I miss the old one, brother.
00:49:27.587 --> 00:49:29.420
Uh, will you excuse me?
00:49:29.422 --> 00:49:31.357
I... I'm...
00:49:31.359 --> 00:49:33.360
fairly positive
I need to use the bathroom.
00:49:34.694 --> 00:49:36.395
Get your hands
off my ass.
00:49:36.397 --> 00:49:37.529
You said push.
00:49:37.531 --> 00:49:39.398
I said push, not fondle.
00:49:39.400 --> 00:49:40.532
Watch the thumb.
00:49:40.534 --> 00:49:42.768
Do you do squats?
00:49:42.770 --> 00:49:44.406
It feels like you do squats.
00:49:46.773 --> 00:49:48.273
You made it.
00:49:48.275 --> 00:49:49.708
Now, lift me up.
00:49:49.710 --> 00:49:51.809
I get claustrophobic.
00:49:51.811 --> 00:49:54.045
No, no.
00:49:54.047 --> 00:49:56.315
First you have to tell me
what you did.
00:49:56.317 --> 00:49:58.483
And no lies, no bullshit.
00:49:58.485 --> 00:50:00.819
You have to tell me,
or I'll leave you there.
00:50:00.821 --> 00:50:01.753
You'll rot.
00:50:01.755 --> 00:50:04.523
And I'll just come
and sprinkle some lime
00:50:04.525 --> 00:50:05.860
just to mask the smell.
00:50:06.694 --> 00:50:07.696
I...
00:50:08.362 --> 00:50:09.364
You...
00:50:10.063 --> 00:50:11.699
you might not understand.
00:50:12.799 --> 00:50:14.565
True.
00:50:14.567 --> 00:50:15.903
It's a roll of the dice.
00:50:22.476 --> 00:50:24.543
I was swimming in the ocean,
00:50:24.545 --> 00:50:26.445
I was in the water
for a couple hours.
00:50:26.447 --> 00:50:28.646
I...
00:50:28.648 --> 00:50:32.617
I had to pee,
I took off my shorts,
00:50:32.619 --> 00:50:35.020
then I felt something
brush against my leg.
00:50:35.022 --> 00:50:38.424
I knew it was a shark.
I knew in that moment,
00:50:38.426 --> 00:50:40.761
and I know it to this day
it was a shark, and...
00:50:43.563 --> 00:50:45.697
I started swimming to shore,
00:50:45.699 --> 00:50:47.733
trying not to panic.
00:50:47.735 --> 00:50:50.034
I saw that there were some kids
00:50:50.036 --> 00:50:51.936
swimming there and...
00:50:51.938 --> 00:50:54.440
So I was carrying three of them,
00:50:54.442 --> 00:50:58.110
trudging and tripping
and yelling for help.
00:50:58.112 --> 00:50:59.378
The kids were screaming,
00:50:59.380 --> 00:51:01.846
I thought they had seen
the shark.
00:51:01.848 --> 00:51:03.584
They hadn't, they, um...
00:51:05.118 --> 00:51:08.455
they were frightened of me,
a naked guy.
00:51:09.757 --> 00:51:10.959
Yeah. My life...
00:51:13.027 --> 00:51:15.063
...got pretty hard after that.
00:51:17.732 --> 00:51:18.933
It's true, isn't it?
00:51:21.502 --> 00:51:22.570
Yeah.
00:51:23.971 --> 00:51:25.670
It is.
00:51:25.672 --> 00:51:27.408
You say all these
00:51:28.007 --> 00:51:31.509
crazy stupid things.
00:51:31.511 --> 00:51:34.615
But when you suddenly say
something without bullshit,
00:51:35.850 --> 00:51:38.416
now I know it's true and good.
00:51:38.418 --> 00:51:40.953
But just in case,
I'm gonna leave you there
00:51:40.955 --> 00:51:42.621
until after I take my shower.
00:51:42.623 --> 00:51:45.023
Oh, you know what,
there's some, uh...
00:51:45.025 --> 00:51:47.692
shampoo in my purse
on the kitchen counter.
00:51:47.694 --> 00:51:50.462
Oh, I... I refilled
your birth control pills.
00:51:50.464 --> 00:51:51.864
You were running low.
00:51:51.866 --> 00:51:52.867
Ha!
00:51:57.003 --> 00:51:59.438
No, no, no.
00:51:59.440 --> 00:52:00.508
No! No! No!
00:52:24.665 --> 00:52:26.764
All you perverts
out there watching,
00:52:26.766 --> 00:52:28.900
this might happen to you.
00:52:30.804 --> 00:52:32.603
You might die!
00:52:32.605 --> 00:52:33.572
What the?
00:52:33.574 --> 00:52:35.940
Holy shit, it's him.
The guy from the video!
00:52:35.942 --> 00:52:37.675
No, this is a mistake.
00:52:37.677 --> 00:52:38.677
Die!
00:52:38.679 --> 00:52:40.645
Dude, you're like the number one
trending pervert
00:52:40.647 --> 00:52:41.813
on the internet right now.
00:52:41.815 --> 00:52:44.650
My god, why is this happening?
00:52:57.498 --> 00:52:58.733
Stop!
00:52:59.732 --> 00:53:00.799
Stop the truck, Wayne.
00:53:00.801 --> 00:53:02.099
Shit, you again?
00:53:02.101 --> 00:53:03.067
You have my furniture.
00:53:03.069 --> 00:53:05.704
Oh, it's not yours,
that house wasn't yours,
00:53:05.706 --> 00:53:07.639
and the furniture
definitely wasn't yours.
00:53:07.641 --> 00:53:09.141
Pull over, Wayne,
I need that furniture.
00:53:09.143 --> 00:53:10.175
You know what you gonna need?
00:53:10.177 --> 00:53:12.076
You're have a need
to go to a fucking hospital,
00:53:12.078 --> 00:53:13.478
that's what you're gonna need.
00:53:13.480 --> 00:53:14.846
I'm gonna put you
in jail, Wayne.
00:53:14.848 --> 00:53:17.248
Oh, you don't have the balls
to call the cops.
00:53:17.250 --> 00:53:19.851
Fuckin', you suck
at this crime stuff.
00:53:19.853 --> 00:53:20.985
You know what I'm gonna do,
00:53:20.987 --> 00:53:22.855
- Wayne?
- Oh, you ain't gonna do shit.
00:53:22.857 --> 00:53:24.956
I'm gonna throw a rock at you.
I pitched in college.
00:53:24.958 --> 00:53:28.462
Oh, you probably caught
in college. Dickhead.
00:53:30.531 --> 00:53:31.596
Oh, shit.
00:53:31.598 --> 00:53:33.834
Argh! Son of a bitch.
00:53:38.572 --> 00:53:39.871
- Shit!
- Holy shit,
00:53:39.873 --> 00:53:40.973
- are you okay?
- What the fuck?
00:53:40.975 --> 00:53:43.041
You hit a fucking pedestrian!
00:53:45.813 --> 00:53:48.212
What the fuck?
00:53:48.214 --> 00:53:49.516
Sorry, Wayne.
00:53:51.217 --> 00:53:52.650
Hey!
00:53:52.652 --> 00:53:53.819
Frank!
00:53:53.821 --> 00:53:56.123
Get back here, you asshole!
00:54:06.799 --> 00:54:10.034
What fresh hell is this?
00:54:10.036 --> 00:54:12.103
Ay Dios mio!
No, no, no, I didn't...
00:54:29.556 --> 00:54:31.658
Shit, shit. Now what?
00:54:45.306 --> 00:54:46.837
- Frank!
- Shit!
00:54:46.839 --> 00:54:48.172
Panic room, car gone.
00:54:48.174 --> 00:54:49.574
Keep walking, cops.
00:54:49.576 --> 00:54:50.842
I found Nigel's stuff,
don't look over.
00:54:50.844 --> 00:54:52.277
It's in the back of the truck.
Don't look over.
00:54:52.279 --> 00:54:53.681
Excuse me.
00:54:54.647 --> 00:54:55.746
Hi.
00:54:55.748 --> 00:54:57.185
Are you
Mr. Bathgate's neighbors?
00:54:58.018 --> 00:54:59.116
Yes, officer.
00:54:59.118 --> 00:55:01.686
Yeah, we got a report
of a burglary at his house,
00:55:01.688 --> 00:55:03.121
uh, suspicious activity.
00:55:03.123 --> 00:55:04.723
Have you seen anything?
00:55:04.725 --> 00:55:06.960
A burglary?
What, at Nigel's house?
00:55:08.194 --> 00:55:09.761
Good sweet Christ,
00:55:09.763 --> 00:55:12.630
what is happening to our sweet
little neighborhood?
00:55:12.632 --> 00:55:15.933
- Uh, are you okay sir?
- No.
00:55:15.935 --> 00:55:19.606
I'm devastated beyond reason.
00:55:24.712 --> 00:55:25.880
Sweet Christ.
00:55:27.147 --> 00:55:28.882
No, I wasn't into that.
00:55:29.717 --> 00:55:31.083
Never?
00:55:31.085 --> 00:55:32.884
Not really.
00:55:32.886 --> 00:55:34.820
Not even in a school play
or anything?
00:55:34.822 --> 00:55:36.320
No, I was never into drama.
00:55:36.322 --> 00:55:39.090
I mean, sure, in the third grade
I played a teacup.
00:55:39.092 --> 00:55:40.826
Uh, why...
00:55:40.828 --> 00:55:42.728
...all the questions
about acting?
00:55:42.730 --> 00:55:43.962
You think I came across as fake?
00:55:43.964 --> 00:55:46.364
I think there's better acting
every time Larry King says,
00:55:46.366 --> 00:55:47.965
"Till death do us part."
00:55:47.967 --> 00:55:49.300
Well, that's very funny.
00:55:49.302 --> 00:55:50.436
You wanna hear something else
that's funny?
00:55:50.438 --> 00:55:53.304
There's a video of us
getting kidnapped on YouTube.
00:55:53.306 --> 00:55:54.341
I know.
00:56:01.781 --> 00:56:03.882
You don't know how many times
I've fantasized
00:56:03.884 --> 00:56:06.253
about getting rid of you
for at least two months,
00:56:07.253 --> 00:56:09.320
but now that I'm going toyail,
00:56:09.322 --> 00:56:12.757
I... I'm gonna be devastated
without you.
00:56:12.759 --> 00:56:15.059
Wait, you're going back
to college?
00:56:15.061 --> 00:56:17.998
You know that when I say "yail"
I mean prison.
00:56:24.170 --> 00:56:26.204
He lives
in his mother's house.
00:56:26.206 --> 00:56:28.373
And by that I mean
his mother's garage.
00:56:28.375 --> 00:56:30.241
I'm sure Jason's home, you know,
00:56:30.243 --> 00:56:32.444
rubbing his mother's feet
or something.
00:56:32.446 --> 00:56:34.212
We know you're in there, Jason.
00:56:39.719 --> 00:56:41.319
- Hi.
- Oh!
00:56:41.321 --> 00:56:43.255
Hey, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten.
00:56:43.257 --> 00:56:44.889
Is that I...
00:56:44.891 --> 00:56:46.757
Actually, I wasn't hiding.
Is, is everything okay?
00:56:46.759 --> 00:56:47.992
Why wouldn't it be, Jason?
00:56:47.994 --> 00:56:49.061
Well, it's just that you've
never been to my house before
00:56:49.063 --> 00:56:52.264
in like two years.
And it's what, um, 10:00 p.m.
00:56:52.266 --> 00:56:55.300
Actually, it isn't okay,
and you can help.
00:56:55.302 --> 00:56:56.867
Rachel's always saying that
you're some kind of
00:56:56.869 --> 00:56:57.969
computer genius.
00:56:57.971 --> 00:56:59.837
Aw. She says
I'm a computer genius?
00:56:59.839 --> 00:57:01.139
That's very...
that's very sweet.
00:57:01.141 --> 00:57:02.340
I'm sure it was like
a throwaway,
00:57:02.342 --> 00:57:03.541
or like an aside, you know,
00:57:03.543 --> 00:57:04.576
"He's a computer genius,"
you know, just like saying...
00:57:04.578 --> 00:57:05.677
Oh, you know what,
I bet it's 'cause she knows
00:57:05.679 --> 00:57:08.380
it's on my dream boards
to become a computer genius.
00:57:08.382 --> 00:57:09.447
I'll bet that's where
that came from.
00:57:09.449 --> 00:57:11.248
Did she actually say that,
or like in an e-mail,
00:57:11.250 --> 00:57:12.750
or was it to...
in person to you just...
00:57:12.752 --> 00:57:14.485
Jason! This isn't about you.
00:57:14.487 --> 00:57:17.391
We need your help
with a video of me and Nancy.
00:57:19.426 --> 00:57:20.491
Okay.
00:57:20.493 --> 00:57:22.293
So you want...
00:57:22.295 --> 00:57:25.996
me to make a video of you guys?
00:57:25.998 --> 00:57:27.199
- Oh, get your mind
- No.
00:57:27.201 --> 00:57:28.067
out of the gutter.
00:57:28.069 --> 00:57:30.103
Good lord, Jason,
you take the cake.
00:57:32.873 --> 00:57:35.172
It's so much more
fucked up than that.
00:57:37.210 --> 00:57:38.976
- Look at this.
- You might die!
00:57:38.978 --> 00:57:41.246
This is insane.
When did this happen?
00:57:41.248 --> 00:57:43.782
It feels like
in another lifetime.
00:57:43.784 --> 00:57:45.282
Yet also like Tuesday.
00:57:45.284 --> 00:57:46.851
Okay, well,
we have to call the police.
00:57:46.853 --> 00:57:47.987
No! No police.
00:57:47.989 --> 00:57:50.020
It was a misunderstanding
but everything's okay now.
00:57:50.022 --> 00:57:52.023
It was a hiccup.
00:57:52.025 --> 00:57:53.991
A hiccup? You being kidnapped?
00:57:53.993 --> 00:57:55.826
A hiccup. It was a hiccup.
00:57:55.828 --> 00:57:57.161
A hiccup. You don't call 911
00:57:57.163 --> 00:57:58.496
every time you have
the hiccups do you, no.
00:57:58.498 --> 00:57:59.864
I mean, maybe you do,
but I don't.
00:57:59.866 --> 00:58:02.067
Listen, Jason.
00:58:02.069 --> 00:58:03.501
We don't want Rachel
to see this.
00:58:03.503 --> 00:58:05.369
- Mm-hm.
- She would only worry.
00:58:05.371 --> 00:58:08.306
That's why we must
take this down.
00:58:08.308 --> 00:58:10.141
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shouldn't be a problem.
00:58:10.143 --> 00:58:11.909
Although, these guys
should be punished though,
00:58:11.911 --> 00:58:14.311
'cause they cannot do that.
We'd... Especially to you guys.
00:58:14.313 --> 00:58:15.348
I mean...
00:58:16.449 --> 00:58:17.549
Oh, my god, okay,
that's actually
00:58:17.551 --> 00:58:18.650
Rachel Skyping me now.
00:58:18.652 --> 00:58:20.918
We're not here. She'll know
there's something wrong.
00:58:20.920 --> 00:58:22.920
We, we would only be here
with you if we were desperate.
00:58:22.922 --> 00:58:25.056
No, no, I wanna see
her little face,
00:58:25.058 --> 00:58:26.925
even if it's for just a second.
00:58:26.927 --> 00:58:28.527
We can hide,
she won't know we're here,
00:58:28.529 --> 00:58:29.527
please, please, please.
00:58:29.529 --> 00:58:31.798
- All right, go ahead.
- Really? Okay.
00:58:34.268 --> 00:58:36.201
Yo! Hey, Rach. What's up?
00:58:36.203 --> 00:58:38.203
I can only talk
for a few minutes.
00:58:38.205 --> 00:58:40.204
Jessie is a great roommate,
00:58:40.206 --> 00:58:41.973
but she's throwing
her third party
00:58:41.975 --> 00:58:43.377
in four days, and she's...
00:58:44.578 --> 00:58:46.311
Jason?
00:58:46.313 --> 00:58:47.411
Are you okay?
00:58:47.413 --> 00:58:49.380
What? I'm fine. That's...
00:58:49.382 --> 00:58:51.349
How about you?
00:58:51.351 --> 00:58:52.416
Well, actually,
00:58:52.418 --> 00:58:53.617
I'm a little worried.
00:58:53.619 --> 00:58:56.054
My mom called,
and I tried calling her back,
00:58:56.056 --> 00:58:57.922
and she's not picking up.
00:58:57.924 --> 00:58:59.958
Oh, uh, that's, you know.
00:58:59.960 --> 00:59:01.458
It's... It's her...
'Cause her phone,
00:59:01.460 --> 00:59:03.061
it's, um, her phone is broken.
00:59:03.063 --> 00:59:04.061
You saw her?
00:59:04.063 --> 00:59:06.063
Yeah. Oh, they had
a yard sale yesterday, so.
00:59:06.065 --> 00:59:07.933
- A yard sale?
- No, that's..
00:59:07.935 --> 00:59:09.201
I'm sorry,
"yard sale," what is...
00:59:09.203 --> 00:59:11.001
No, they were...
'cause they were in the yard,
00:59:11.003 --> 00:59:13.270
so I ran into them
cause I took a shortcut,
00:59:13.272 --> 00:59:16.208
um, to... to...
to go work at Staples,
00:59:16.210 --> 00:59:18.009
where I am
the assistant manager.
00:59:18.011 --> 00:59:19.210
This is weird.
00:59:19.212 --> 00:59:22.179
Mom always calls me right back.
This isn't like her.
00:59:22.181 --> 00:59:23.248
Well, it's...
00:59:23.250 --> 00:59:25.951
Could be 'cause she's...
she's singing and dancing,
00:59:25.953 --> 00:59:28.085
and, and also blowing someone.
00:59:28.087 --> 00:59:29.186
Uh, her birthday.
00:59:29.188 --> 00:59:30.454
Isn't it her birthday
pretty soon?
00:59:30.456 --> 00:59:32.960
Oh, of course, poor Mom.
00:59:34.261 --> 00:59:35.960
Jason,
00:59:35.962 --> 00:59:38.230
I should surprise her.
00:59:38.232 --> 00:59:40.197
I'll come home for her birthday,
she'll love that.
00:59:40.199 --> 00:59:42.500
Yeah, yeah, they both would.
Yeah, they would both love that.
00:59:42.502 --> 00:59:44.034
For sure.
You should come on down.
00:59:44.036 --> 00:59:45.170
I'll try Dad, he'll love it.
00:59:45.172 --> 00:59:47.938
I'll get tulips.
Tulips are her favorite flowers,
00:59:47.940 --> 00:59:50.507
and I'll invite all her sisters,
and everyone will be there
00:59:50.509 --> 00:59:51.912
and everyone will be...
00:59:56.148 --> 00:59:57.884
That's funny, do you hear that?
00:59:59.418 --> 01:00:00.985
It's my dad's ringtone.
01:00:04.491 --> 01:00:06.056
Yeah, okay,
you know what, Rachel?
01:00:06.058 --> 01:00:07.525
I really...
I gotta tell you something.
01:00:07.527 --> 01:00:09.126
Actually, your parent...
01:00:10.897 --> 01:00:13.665
Jason, you really are
a little quisling.
01:00:13.667 --> 01:00:14.933
You know that?
01:00:14.935 --> 01:00:16.000
Okay, he...
01:00:16.002 --> 01:00:17.569
he was from Norway.
01:00:17.571 --> 01:00:19.536
I felt terrible lying to Rachel.
01:00:19.538 --> 01:00:20.672
I understand,
01:00:20.674 --> 01:00:23.174
because you never know
when the lies are going to stop.
01:00:23.176 --> 01:00:24.476
But they just keep coming.
01:00:24.478 --> 01:00:26.411
Pushing you out of the way.
01:00:26.413 --> 01:00:28.516
Taking over your life
completely.
01:00:29.549 --> 01:00:32.217
What a beautiful street.
01:00:32.219 --> 01:00:33.550
Do you have raccoons?
01:00:33.552 --> 01:00:35.520
Yeah, sporadically.
01:00:35.522 --> 01:00:36.587
I love them.
01:00:36.589 --> 01:00:37.922
Is that your guy's moving truck?
01:00:37.924 --> 01:00:39.491
No. Well, yes.
01:00:39.493 --> 01:00:41.393
We're just trying
to sell a few things.
01:00:41.395 --> 01:00:42.494
Sell from the back of a truck?
01:00:42.496 --> 01:00:45.063
Uh, we're trying to,
uh, finish off our yard sale.
01:00:45.065 --> 01:00:45.963
For the truck and the computer,
01:00:45.965 --> 01:00:48.233
using that, uh, Skype thing.
Anyhow...
01:00:48.235 --> 01:00:49.567
So, you mean
like a virtual yard sale?
01:00:49.569 --> 01:00:50.567
That's... Wow.
01:00:50.569 --> 01:00:52.670
Did you come up with that idea,
Mr. Teagarten?
01:00:52.672 --> 01:00:55.040
What? Uh, yeah, sure.
Anyway, thanks for your help...
01:00:55.042 --> 01:00:56.541
That's genius!
Do you see the potential?
01:00:56.543 --> 01:00:58.409
Not one iota. We gotta run now.
01:00:58.411 --> 01:01:00.445
Uh, wait, Mr.
and Mrs. Teagarten, there's...
01:01:00.447 --> 01:01:01.947
I think there's something
I need to show you.
01:01:01.949 --> 01:01:03.918
For the love of Christ, Jason!
What is it?
01:01:09.221 --> 01:01:11.956
So the park
was actually built in the '50s.
01:01:11.958 --> 01:01:13.657
It's, uh, kind of fell
on hard times,
01:01:13.659 --> 01:01:15.592
was vacant for a while.
01:01:15.594 --> 01:01:17.329
So some friends and I,
we pooled our money
01:01:17.331 --> 01:01:18.396
and bought it,
01:01:18.398 --> 01:01:21.166
and we spent the last two years
just fixing it up.
01:01:21.168 --> 01:01:23.233
Jason, this is amazing.
01:01:23.235 --> 01:01:24.436
Thank you.
01:01:27.174 --> 01:01:28.172
This is what I wanted
to show you.
01:01:28.174 --> 01:01:30.976
All of our trailer homes
have a storage space,
01:01:30.978 --> 01:01:33.744
'cause people are downsizing
from like, 3,500 square feet.
01:01:33.746 --> 01:01:36.648
These days, I guess
it's like that everywhere.
01:01:36.650 --> 01:01:39.416
So this is where
your virtual yard sale comes in.
01:01:39.418 --> 01:01:41.186
You can upload streaming video
01:01:41.188 --> 01:01:44.355
and people can browse it,
like in real time.
01:01:44.357 --> 01:01:46.623
So you've got almost
a live yard sale,
01:01:46.625 --> 01:01:49.094
but you're bidding,
like eBay online.
01:01:49.096 --> 01:01:52.230
So you call it something like,
YardBay.
01:01:53.299 --> 01:01:55.433
I'm sure you've thought
all this through, but, um,
01:01:55.435 --> 01:01:56.601
you know, I'd love to help, I...
01:01:56.603 --> 01:01:58.402
I could computer code
it all for you.
01:02:01.007 --> 01:02:02.306
Hello?
01:02:02.308 --> 01:02:04.442
No, Mr. Teagarten no here.
01:02:04.444 --> 01:02:05.710
You have to call back a later.
01:02:07.080 --> 01:02:08.045
Oh, he in the shower now
01:02:08.047 --> 01:02:10.283
washing his body
with the shampoo and honey.
01:02:11.284 --> 01:02:12.384
He have a shingles.
01:02:16.188 --> 01:02:17.621
That was an old
fraternity buddy of mine.
01:02:17.623 --> 01:02:19.324
Clyde Drexler.
01:02:19.326 --> 01:02:20.724
I mean, he's a fan
of Clyde Drexler.
01:02:20.726 --> 01:02:22.559
- Mm-hm.
- The Trailblazers.
01:02:22.561 --> 01:02:24.161
Um, anyway, uh.
01:02:24.163 --> 01:02:26.163
Thanks for the tour, Jason.
This was impressive.
01:02:26.165 --> 01:02:28.099
Mobile homes and crap.
01:02:28.101 --> 01:02:30.567
I'm sorry.
That sounded patronizing.
01:02:30.569 --> 01:02:32.270
- Food for thought.
- Yeah.
01:02:32.272 --> 01:02:33.670
Uh, thanks for your help
with the video.
01:02:33.672 --> 01:02:34.773
Anytime.
01:02:39.378 --> 01:02:41.679
Boy, Jason sure can talk.
01:02:41.681 --> 01:02:42.813
Okay, I better call Randall
01:02:42.815 --> 01:02:45.382
and tell him I'll take
that catalytic converter job.
01:02:46.585 --> 01:02:49.255
Okay, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go get a Baby Ruth.
01:02:50.424 --> 01:02:52.059
A Baby Ruth?
01:02:59.232 --> 01:03:00.234
Shit.
01:03:04.571 --> 01:03:06.503
Excuse me.
01:03:06.505 --> 01:03:08.239
Hey, I'm sorry to bother you.
01:03:08.241 --> 01:03:10.275
I... You have any change,
or better yet,
01:03:10.277 --> 01:03:11.675
do you mind if I use
your cell phone?
01:03:11.677 --> 01:03:12.777
It's kind of an emergency.
01:03:12.779 --> 01:03:15.079
A Baby Ruth candy bar.
01:03:15.081 --> 01:03:16.447
Oh, Baby Ruth.
01:03:16.449 --> 01:03:18.449
I thought you said Zagnut.
01:03:18.451 --> 01:03:19.851
- Do you have one?
- Uh...
01:03:19.853 --> 01:03:21.386
Yeah, let me check in the back.
01:03:21.388 --> 01:03:23.123
I'll take two
if you have 'em.
01:03:24.790 --> 01:03:26.224
Buddy, cool off.
01:03:26.226 --> 01:03:28.425
I'm not trying to cause
any problems here.
01:03:28.427 --> 01:03:29.661
You act like you got
01:03:29.663 --> 01:03:31.695
50 kilos back there
or something.
01:03:31.697 --> 01:03:32.864
Oh, by the way,
how much are...
01:03:32.866 --> 01:03:34.498
What? What the?
01:03:34.500 --> 01:03:36.703
Frank! Frank! Frank!
01:03:44.511 --> 01:03:47.148
Hey! I found
the king size, is that okay?
01:03:51.717 --> 01:03:52.817
Hello?
01:03:52.819 --> 01:03:54.485
The king size, okay?
01:03:56.422 --> 01:03:59.290
You try that again,
motherfucker?
01:03:59.292 --> 01:04:00.791
I'm gonna bust
your fucking head open.
01:04:04.563 --> 01:04:06.331
Everybody put
your hands where I can see 'em!
01:04:06.333 --> 01:04:07.898
- Down in the ground!
- On the ground!
01:04:07.900 --> 01:04:09.400
Get on the ground now!
01:04:18.545 --> 01:04:20.277
Whoo! Jackpot.
01:04:27.154 --> 01:04:29.686
Turns out it was 120 kilos.
01:04:29.688 --> 01:04:31.524
Teagarten. Frank Teagarten.
01:04:35.362 --> 01:04:36.860
FBI wants to talk to you.
Come on.
01:04:36.862 --> 01:04:39.596
The FBI wants to talk
to me? Why?
01:04:39.598 --> 01:04:41.699
They think you're good lookin'.
Come on.
01:04:44.203 --> 01:04:45.205
Not you.
01:04:46.806 --> 01:04:48.175
Let's go.
01:04:56.248 --> 01:04:57.384
Are you okay?
01:04:59.920 --> 01:05:02.123
It seems to me
you're as scared as I am.
01:05:03.355 --> 01:05:05.125
Oh, I'm not scared for myself.
01:05:07.893 --> 01:05:09.162
For my daughter.
01:05:10.630 --> 01:05:11.732
We're done talkin'.
01:05:17.670 --> 01:05:18.605
I have a daughter, too.
01:05:20.373 --> 01:05:24.211
Our biggest fear in life
was to disappoint her.
01:05:25.878 --> 01:05:28.315
I'm so ashamed and...
01:05:28.949 --> 01:05:29.947
and worried...
01:05:29.949 --> 01:05:32.449
Don't be bitching to me
about your rich life,
01:05:32.451 --> 01:05:33.851
your spoiled brat daughter.
01:05:33.853 --> 01:05:35.719
You know, you're gonna be out
of here in a minute,
01:05:35.721 --> 01:05:37.454
and she'll have her mommy back.
01:05:37.456 --> 01:05:38.855
But now, thanks to you,
01:05:38.857 --> 01:05:41.491
I'm stuck in here
for god knows how long.
01:05:41.493 --> 01:05:43.561
Yeah. I will get out,
01:05:43.563 --> 01:05:48.866
but I will still be
a good-for-nothing fuck up.
01:05:48.868 --> 01:05:51.469
And that might not mean
a lot to you,
01:05:51.471 --> 01:05:54.672
since it looks like you've been
a fuck up for a while,
01:05:54.674 --> 01:05:57.942
but we only fucked up
for one week.
01:05:57.944 --> 01:06:00.480
One week, is all it took
for us to...
01:06:00.980 --> 01:06:02.348
ruin her life.
01:06:02.882 --> 01:06:04.648
She's only 19,
01:06:04.650 --> 01:06:06.619
- and... and now she's...
- Are you kidding me?
01:06:07.554 --> 01:06:08.552
Your daughter's 19.
01:06:08.554 --> 01:06:10.657
She's supposed
to be taking care of herself.
01:06:11.857 --> 01:06:12.926
My Rose...
01:06:13.993 --> 01:06:15.328
she's only seven.
01:06:16.395 --> 01:06:17.397
And now...
01:06:18.697 --> 01:06:20.398
she's all alone in the world.
01:06:20.400 --> 01:06:21.635
She's got nobody.
01:06:25.639 --> 01:06:27.438
Woman...
01:06:27.440 --> 01:06:31.509
you have no idea what shame is.
01:06:31.511 --> 01:06:32.679
Shit.
01:06:33.380 --> 01:06:34.615
You win.
01:06:37.984 --> 01:06:39.416
Hey, Frank.
01:06:39.418 --> 01:06:41.552
I'm Special Agent Milhouse.
01:06:41.554 --> 01:06:43.621
This is Special Agent Barnes.
01:06:43.623 --> 01:06:45.757
- Weird night, huh? God.
- Yeah.
01:06:45.759 --> 01:06:49.559
A 120 kilos of Norteno Cocaine.
01:06:49.561 --> 01:06:51.996
- A hell of a bust.
- Yeah.
01:06:51.998 --> 01:06:54.799
You know that we had nothing
to do with this, right?
01:06:54.801 --> 01:06:55.933
Oh!
01:06:55.935 --> 01:06:57.634
So you think
that we just send out
01:06:57.636 --> 01:06:59.706
our whole field office
just for fun?
01:07:00.639 --> 01:07:01.838
This is what we know.
01:07:01.840 --> 01:07:03.875
We've been tailing Shope
for three days,
01:07:03.877 --> 01:07:05.442
since he entered
the United States.
01:07:05.444 --> 01:07:07.311
Next thing we know,
the three of you
01:07:07.313 --> 01:07:10.081
are in a Kwik-E-Mart
parking lot free for all.
01:07:10.083 --> 01:07:12.349
So I think we've got
a problem here, don't you?
01:07:12.351 --> 01:07:13.884
Frank, if you wanna get out
of here tonight,
01:07:13.886 --> 01:07:14.951
you've gotta convince us,
01:07:14.953 --> 01:07:17.355
you're not some
big, rich drug lord.
01:07:17.357 --> 01:07:18.523
Like, for real.
01:07:20.694 --> 01:07:22.860
Hello? Mr. Teagarten no home.
01:07:22.862 --> 01:07:24.695
His phone went through
a snow blower,
01:07:24.697 --> 01:07:26.931
and he chop his head right off.
01:07:32.038 --> 01:07:34.404
I guess owing 300 bucks
to MasterCard
01:07:34.406 --> 01:07:37.875
helped convince them,
we aren't Mr. and Mrs. El Chapo.
01:07:37.877 --> 01:07:40.511
I can't help thinking
about that little girl.
01:07:40.513 --> 01:07:42.079
Nancy,
what are you gonna do?
01:07:42.081 --> 01:07:43.114
Have her come live with us
01:07:43.116 --> 01:07:45.382
in this fucking
Perri Winkle truck?
01:07:48.554 --> 01:07:49.922
God, this day sucked.
01:07:51.757 --> 01:07:52.759
Carl.
01:07:53.793 --> 01:07:55.893
He found my medals.
01:07:55.895 --> 01:07:57.998
- How did he find them?
- He's a sneaky motherfucker.
01:07:59.031 --> 01:08:00.965
But those medals
01:08:00.967 --> 01:08:03.735
made me remember
that I used to win.
01:08:03.737 --> 01:08:06.103
I used to have an edge.
01:08:06.105 --> 01:08:09.676
This week, I've cried more than
I have ever cried before.
01:08:11.143 --> 01:08:13.744
And for things that I would have
never cried about
01:08:13.746 --> 01:08:14.882
in the old days.
01:08:16.915 --> 01:08:19.850
It's like I've become
this person...
01:08:19.852 --> 01:08:21.754
I don't know, and I don't like.
01:08:23.522 --> 01:08:24.590
Where is this headed?
01:08:27.427 --> 01:08:30.560
- We need to talk to Dan.
- Why? And beg for money?
01:08:30.562 --> 01:08:31.628
That's not getting
your edge back.
01:08:31.630 --> 01:08:33.797
That's surrendering,
not winning.
01:08:33.799 --> 01:08:35.902
Guys like Dan, they take
advantage of weakness.
01:08:38.070 --> 01:08:39.105
I'll figure it out.
01:08:41.141 --> 01:08:42.343
I think.
01:08:44.177 --> 01:08:46.947
I bet Rachel used to take one
of those buses to school.
01:08:47.946 --> 01:08:49.180
Long ago.
01:08:49.182 --> 01:08:51.082
Back in the time
when she used to look up to me
01:08:51.084 --> 01:08:52.486
like I was Superman.
01:08:56.588 --> 01:08:57.757
Oh, Frank.
01:09:02.629 --> 01:09:03.630
You crying?
01:09:05.798 --> 01:09:07.564
You were crying.
01:09:07.566 --> 01:09:09.567
- What a pussy.
- No, I'm not crying.
01:09:09.569 --> 01:09:11.769
But if I was, it's because...
01:09:11.771 --> 01:09:13.136
Good god.
01:09:13.138 --> 01:09:14.639
It's because the two
of you reek.
01:09:14.641 --> 01:09:15.773
Fuck you.
01:09:15.775 --> 01:09:18.509
Hey, you got ten bucks? For gas?
01:09:18.511 --> 01:09:20.610
Wow, what timing you have, bum.
01:09:20.612 --> 01:09:22.613
No. Actually, we don't have
ten bucks for gas.
01:09:22.615 --> 01:09:24.448
Liar. That's some
high-end furniture
01:09:24.450 --> 01:09:26.050
you got there, you rich asshole.
01:09:26.052 --> 01:09:29.487
Rich? You have completely
misread our situation, my man.
01:09:29.489 --> 01:09:31.689
Oh, whoa, whoa.
I'm not your man.
01:09:31.691 --> 01:09:33.591
He's not your man, fish face.
01:09:34.794 --> 01:09:36.927
I don't think anybody's ever
called me fish face before.
01:09:36.929 --> 01:09:38.528
- Good.
- You believe this pile
01:09:38.530 --> 01:09:40.765
of fish face,
calling me "his man"?
01:09:40.767 --> 01:09:43.734
I'm not your man, so, fuck you.
01:09:43.736 --> 01:09:45.168
No, no. It's, uh...
01:09:45.170 --> 01:09:46.770
it's more like fuck you.
01:09:46.772 --> 01:09:49.006
I'm sorry, you're not
understanding what we're saying.
01:09:49.008 --> 01:09:50.608
Fuck you.
01:09:50.610 --> 01:09:52.510
- What's your name?
- Will.
01:09:52.512 --> 01:09:53.577
What's your name?
01:09:53.579 --> 01:09:54.679
Colin.
01:09:54.681 --> 01:09:55.949
Will, Colin...
01:09:57.115 --> 01:09:58.181
fuck you.
01:09:59.718 --> 01:10:00.887
Fish face.
01:10:06.692 --> 01:10:09.092
So, how long do we sit here for?
01:10:09.094 --> 01:10:10.630
I'm not sure.
01:10:11.129 --> 01:10:12.529
Hey!
01:10:12.531 --> 01:10:13.831
What are you doing out there?
01:10:15.901 --> 01:10:17.103
So, what do we got here?
01:10:18.637 --> 01:10:20.270
- Where's the other bum?
- Maui.
01:10:20.272 --> 01:10:22.172
- I could buy a couple of things.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:10:22.174 --> 01:10:23.908
You think this is some kind
of a store?
01:10:23.910 --> 01:10:25.510
What else would you
be doing here?
01:10:25.512 --> 01:10:28.078
Well, actually, it's kind
of a incredible story.
01:10:28.080 --> 01:10:29.980
- Nancy!
- How much for the paint?
01:10:29.982 --> 01:10:31.616
Spray paint,
I'd like to huff it.
01:10:31.618 --> 01:10:32.984
You wanna huff it?
01:10:32.986 --> 01:10:34.719
You wanna huff the can
of spray paint?
01:10:34.721 --> 01:10:36.953
You're like the worst bum ever.
01:10:36.955 --> 01:10:38.055
What is it, a pageant?
01:10:38.057 --> 01:10:39.590
And you came in last.
01:10:39.592 --> 01:10:41.759
- Okay, five bucks.
- Five bucks?
01:10:41.761 --> 01:10:43.060
For a can of paint?
01:10:43.062 --> 01:10:44.628
That's what I said.
Five bucks, yes or no.
01:10:44.630 --> 01:10:46.631
There's a line forming
behind you.
01:10:46.633 --> 01:10:47.864
Ah! I made you look,
01:10:47.866 --> 01:10:49.634
you fucking idiot.
01:10:49.636 --> 01:10:51.138
Fuck off.
01:10:54.307 --> 01:10:56.040
Stop lookin' at me!
01:10:56.042 --> 01:10:57.942
Get away from the gas tank, bum.
01:10:57.944 --> 01:10:59.010
Fuck you!
01:11:03.850 --> 01:11:05.049
Stop and drop!
01:11:06.619 --> 01:11:08.920
- Why is this happening?
- You're on fire!
01:11:08.922 --> 01:11:11.154
Frank! Get this man
an extinguisher!
01:11:12.225 --> 01:11:14.158
You're just gonna stand there?
01:11:14.160 --> 01:11:15.626
He's on fire!
01:11:15.628 --> 01:11:17.595
I don't need this shit
in my life!
01:11:23.169 --> 01:11:24.268
Oh, yeah.
01:11:24.270 --> 01:11:25.670
Lie on me.
01:11:25.672 --> 01:11:27.003
Yeah, get on me, girl.
01:11:27.005 --> 01:11:29.840
Uh, yeah.
Grind me out like a cigarette.
01:11:29.842 --> 01:11:32.743
Oh! Yeah. Let me...
Let me return the favor.
01:11:32.745 --> 01:11:35.179
- I'm anything but a gentleman.
- Are you kidding?
01:11:36.348 --> 01:11:37.848
That's my wife, bum.
01:11:41.053 --> 01:11:43.921
She got on me, dude!
01:11:43.923 --> 01:11:46.223
Hey!
01:11:46.225 --> 01:11:48.629
Bum, put those lamps back.
01:11:49.963 --> 01:11:53.264
- So, that's the basic concept.
- Mm.
01:11:53.266 --> 01:11:56.033
Sounds like a good idea.
What, you're calling it, uh,
01:11:56.035 --> 01:11:58.034
- YardBay?
- YardBay.
01:11:58.036 --> 01:11:59.769
Great name for a great idea.
01:11:59.771 --> 01:12:01.137
Well, it's Frank's idea.
01:12:01.139 --> 01:12:02.372
You hear that, bums?
01:12:02.374 --> 01:12:04.308
The great idea was my idea.
01:12:04.310 --> 01:12:06.844
Shovel swinging in your face
would be a good idea.
01:12:09.248 --> 01:12:11.047
He already did that.
01:12:11.049 --> 01:12:13.083
While smoking a spider.
01:12:14.253 --> 01:12:15.786
Oh, I believe it.
01:12:15.788 --> 01:12:17.188
'Cause he's a huge dumbass.
01:12:17.190 --> 01:12:18.855
Look at his fat fish face.
01:12:20.660 --> 01:12:23.063
Frank is a banana split of shit.
01:12:24.230 --> 01:12:25.095
I don't like that.
01:12:25.097 --> 01:12:27.331
I hate to say it,
but Frank is right
01:12:27.333 --> 01:12:28.335
about one thing.
01:12:29.168 --> 01:12:30.203
You got a good idea.
01:12:30.870 --> 01:12:32.135
Okay?
01:12:32.137 --> 01:12:35.305
But you gotta go in strong when
you're dealing with rich people.
01:12:35.307 --> 01:12:37.174
Otherwise, they'll prey on you.
01:12:37.176 --> 01:12:38.842
I would know that...
01:12:38.844 --> 01:12:40.043
...because I used to be...
01:12:40.045 --> 01:12:42.078
...one of those people.
01:12:43.148 --> 01:12:44.718
Put me out, fish face!
01:12:50.722 --> 01:12:53.123
All right,
I'm out. I'm out.
01:12:53.125 --> 01:12:54.692
- You okay?
- Yeah.
01:12:54.694 --> 01:12:55.792
What happened?
01:12:55.794 --> 01:12:57.094
Oh. Cigarette.
01:12:57.096 --> 01:12:58.996
Ah, yeah.
Same thing happened to me.
01:12:58.998 --> 01:13:00.997
- Feel stupid.
- Yeah.
01:13:00.999 --> 01:13:03.367
All right, well, goodbye, Frank.
01:13:03.369 --> 01:13:05.135
Hope a train falls on your face.
01:13:06.838 --> 01:13:09.375
Go siphon some gas
and smoke a cigarette, bum.
01:13:10.776 --> 01:13:11.811
Touché.
01:13:13.312 --> 01:13:15.078
You sure you're all right?
01:13:15.080 --> 01:13:16.413
- Yeah.
- I did the same thing,
01:13:16.415 --> 01:13:18.448
and next thing you know,
the flames just jump on you.
01:13:18.450 --> 01:13:19.750
You think
it's the cigarette, or...
01:13:19.752 --> 01:13:21.418
Fifty-fifty chance.
01:13:21.420 --> 01:13:22.655
They were sweet.
01:13:24.456 --> 01:13:25.726
Colin and Will.
01:13:26.959 --> 01:13:27.961
Fuck them.
01:13:39.938 --> 01:13:41.941
Why is there furniture
on the lawn?
01:13:45.911 --> 01:13:48.045
Maybe they were partying.
01:13:48.047 --> 01:13:50.180
They're not like that, Jessie.
01:13:51.784 --> 01:13:52.716
You coming inside?
01:13:52.718 --> 01:13:54.885
I wanna start setting up
for the surprise.
01:13:54.887 --> 01:13:56.420
Um, yeah, in a minute.
01:13:56.422 --> 01:13:57.488
I, I got the spins,
01:13:57.490 --> 01:13:59.924
I'm just gonna go back to bed
for a little bit.
01:13:59.926 --> 01:14:00.960
Okay.
01:14:07.467 --> 01:14:08.835
That's weird.
01:14:10.503 --> 01:14:12.202
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:14:12.204 --> 01:14:14.805
Hey. If you're here
for the yard sale,
01:14:14.807 --> 01:14:16.207
it's in the yard.
01:14:16.209 --> 01:14:18.175
- Who are you?
- Who am I?
01:14:18.177 --> 01:14:20.110
I'm a guy holding pepper spray.
01:14:20.112 --> 01:14:21.912
Twelve ounces...
01:14:21.914 --> 01:14:24.148
Three ounces of pepper spray
at your eyes.
01:14:24.150 --> 01:14:26.317
All right? Who are you?
01:14:26.319 --> 01:14:29.353
I'm Rachel. I live here.
01:14:29.355 --> 01:14:31.055
Oh, my god.
01:14:31.057 --> 01:14:32.355
- Rachel?
- Yeah.
01:14:32.357 --> 01:14:34.091
Oh, I've heard so much
about you.
01:14:35.361 --> 01:14:36.363
I'm Carl.
01:14:38.931 --> 01:14:40.163
Carl,
01:14:40.165 --> 01:14:42.936
I think you're gonna need to
explain to me what's going on.
01:14:45.937 --> 01:14:47.037
Oh!
01:14:47.039 --> 01:14:49.873
Baby, I think
I figured something out,
01:14:49.875 --> 01:14:51.341
and we're gonna call it,
01:14:51.343 --> 01:14:52.712
"The Carl."
01:14:55.013 --> 01:14:56.048
Feeling good?
01:14:56.915 --> 01:14:58.448
If good means nervous.
01:14:58.450 --> 01:14:59.716
A Baby Ruth?
01:14:59.718 --> 01:15:02.489
Sometimes a Baby Ruth
is just a candy bar.
01:15:06.926 --> 01:15:10.094
The tournament is canceled
but I'm sure Dan is still here.
01:15:10.096 --> 01:15:11.427
This has to work.
01:15:11.429 --> 01:15:12.962
You heard
what those bums said,
01:15:12.964 --> 01:15:15.466
we have to make these rich guys
wanna give us money.
01:15:15.468 --> 01:15:17.434
Make 'em need to give it to us.
01:15:17.436 --> 01:15:19.336
It's fourth in goal,
no time on the clock,
01:15:19.338 --> 01:15:21.808
you got the ball,
and I'll just follow your lead.
01:15:28.548 --> 01:15:30.079
Keep it close.
01:15:31.817 --> 01:15:32.852
Oh no, that's not...
01:15:33.852 --> 01:15:34.952
"fuck you."
01:15:34.954 --> 01:15:36.186
That's...
01:15:36.188 --> 01:15:37.423
...somebody else.
01:15:38.191 --> 01:15:39.359
Can you wash it?
01:15:40.258 --> 01:15:41.261
That's fine.
01:15:42.495 --> 01:15:44.994
I have to go to the locker room
to clean up,
01:15:44.996 --> 01:15:46.529
and put on my secret weapon.
01:15:46.531 --> 01:15:47.967
- Meet you at the golf carts.
- Okay.
01:15:49.869 --> 01:15:51.034
Okay, well then,
01:15:51.036 --> 01:15:52.970
where did they go after that?
01:15:52.972 --> 01:15:54.939
I don't know.
01:15:54.941 --> 01:15:57.878
I mean, it seems to change
every 16 minutes.
01:15:58.844 --> 01:16:00.510
Frankly, I'm worried.
01:16:00.512 --> 01:16:02.579
And your mother, I mean,
01:16:02.581 --> 01:16:05.015
maybe you know her
better than me,
01:16:05.017 --> 01:16:07.350
but she seems a little unhinged.
01:16:07.352 --> 01:16:09.118
But the point is,
01:16:09.120 --> 01:16:11.188
I think your surprise
birthday party
01:16:11.190 --> 01:16:12.622
is a wonderful idea.
01:16:12.624 --> 01:16:14.291
Have you ever seen
The Wedding Planner?
01:16:14.293 --> 01:16:15.592
- Mm.
- With J-Lo?
01:16:15.594 --> 01:16:18.162
Uh, that's short
for Jennifer Lopez.
01:16:18.164 --> 01:16:20.230
Anyway, I love J-Lo,
01:16:20.232 --> 01:16:22.533
and not just because she's
a fellow Latina.
01:16:22.535 --> 01:16:24.400
I love her for her dancing.
01:16:24.402 --> 01:16:26.269
I love her for her singing.
01:16:26.271 --> 01:16:27.938
I love her for her acting.
01:16:27.940 --> 01:16:29.573
But I never liked her perfume.
01:16:29.575 --> 01:16:31.074
It was gross.
01:16:31.076 --> 01:16:33.077
Carl...
01:16:33.079 --> 01:16:35.578
I don't think
we're gonna have a party.
01:16:35.580 --> 01:16:37.113
I need to call my Aunt Betty...
01:16:37.115 --> 01:16:38.181
Okay.
01:16:38.183 --> 01:16:40.417
I need, like, 12 billion aspirin
01:16:40.419 --> 01:16:42.286
and one ounce...
01:16:42.288 --> 01:16:43.354
Oh, my god!
01:16:43.356 --> 01:16:46.090
who is this hunk
of stud hunk, oh...
01:16:46.092 --> 01:16:48.058
Jessie, this is Carl.
01:16:48.060 --> 01:16:49.426
He's...
01:16:49.428 --> 01:16:51.261
I guess, staying with us.
01:16:51.263 --> 01:16:52.997
Hi.
01:16:52.999 --> 01:16:54.564
- I'm Jessie.
- Hi.
01:16:54.566 --> 01:16:56.000
Nice to meet you.
01:16:56.002 --> 01:16:57.635
Did you just
01:16:57.637 --> 01:17:00.037
call me a "hunk of stud"?
01:17:00.039 --> 01:17:01.572
If I was a shark, man,
01:17:01.574 --> 01:17:02.672
I would just...
01:17:02.674 --> 01:17:04.408
...chomp into you
01:17:04.410 --> 01:17:06.213
like a little baby seal.
01:17:11.918 --> 01:17:13.250
Please, God.
01:17:13.252 --> 01:17:15.219
Don't let this be
a fucking dream.
01:17:22.495 --> 01:17:23.560
Hey, Andy.
01:17:23.562 --> 01:17:24.694
Danny boy.
01:17:26.231 --> 01:17:27.530
Mm.
01:17:27.532 --> 01:17:29.099
Look at that,
there's Nancy at the bar.
01:17:29.101 --> 01:17:30.167
Ooh.
01:17:30.169 --> 01:17:31.435
Salut.
01:17:31.437 --> 01:17:33.369
Fancy Nancy.
01:17:33.371 --> 01:17:34.438
- Hey, guys.
- Oh!
01:17:34.440 --> 01:17:36.105
- Hi!
- Hey, Frank.
01:17:36.107 --> 01:17:38.074
Yeah, she's having a few.
01:17:38.076 --> 01:17:39.976
Right now, she couldn't see
the hole in a ladder.
01:17:41.513 --> 01:17:43.180
We're both celebrating
some good news.
01:17:43.182 --> 01:17:45.181
Oh, yeah?
What good news is that?
01:17:45.183 --> 01:17:46.716
Some Silicon Valley news.
01:17:46.718 --> 01:17:48.185
- Oh?
- Ooh.
01:17:48.187 --> 01:17:50.453
Hi, guys!
01:17:50.455 --> 01:17:52.221
Oh, bummer!
01:17:52.223 --> 01:17:54.358
They canceled your game.
01:17:54.360 --> 01:17:55.359
I know, I know.
01:17:55.361 --> 01:17:57.694
- White balls, white snow...
- Well, white balls
01:17:57.696 --> 01:17:59.063
are better than blue.
01:17:59.065 --> 01:18:01.064
You ever run track?
01:18:01.066 --> 01:18:03.233
- Ever run track? Ever run track?
- Mm-hm. Two.
01:18:03.235 --> 01:18:04.435
You mean with our feet?
01:18:04.437 --> 01:18:05.568
That's why
they have golf carts...
01:18:05.570 --> 01:18:07.637
Hey, stop right there, baby.
01:18:07.639 --> 01:18:11.140
I need you to pay attention
and to focus,
01:18:11.142 --> 01:18:14.110
because I'm about
to organize you.
01:18:14.112 --> 01:18:15.378
Uh, baby can we talk
for a second.
01:18:15.380 --> 01:18:16.447
No.
01:18:16.449 --> 01:18:17.648
No. Honey, I think...
01:18:17.650 --> 01:18:20.516
I talk to you all the time,
I'm sick of talking to you.
01:18:20.518 --> 01:18:23.022
I wanna talk to them.
Stop trying to control me.
01:18:24.557 --> 01:18:26.092
Enjoy the moment, fellas.
01:18:27.159 --> 01:18:28.725
Well,
01:18:28.727 --> 01:18:32.363
I used to run
four-person relays,
01:18:32.365 --> 01:18:34.264
and this is how it works.
01:18:34.266 --> 01:18:36.734
The second fastest runner
01:18:36.736 --> 01:18:39.036
usually starts the race.
01:18:39.038 --> 01:18:42.672
That fucker needs
to get a good lead.
01:18:42.674 --> 01:18:46.443
- Andy, smart, hard worker.
- Mm-hm.
01:18:46.445 --> 01:18:49.246
You've earned your money.
01:18:49.248 --> 01:18:50.314
Yes.
01:18:50.316 --> 01:18:53.684
So, I am going to make you...
01:18:53.686 --> 01:18:56.052
...the first runner.
01:18:56.054 --> 01:18:57.253
Come with me.
01:18:58.356 --> 01:19:01.759
The second runner needs
to be solid,
01:19:01.761 --> 01:19:04.228
and dependable.
01:19:04.230 --> 01:19:05.328
That's you, Steve.
01:19:05.330 --> 01:19:07.663
You've done well in Wall Street,
01:19:07.665 --> 01:19:10.235
but you've never done
anything...
01:19:12.103 --> 01:19:14.238
flashy.
01:19:14.240 --> 01:19:16.273
- I am so sorry, Rob,
- Huh?
01:19:16.275 --> 01:19:21.677
but the slowest runner
always runs third.
01:19:21.679 --> 01:19:23.514
I know that you're rich,
01:19:23.516 --> 01:19:26.116
but it's family money, baby.
01:19:26.118 --> 01:19:29.086
You need to be hungry.
01:19:29.088 --> 01:19:30.653
Maybe today,
01:19:30.655 --> 01:19:32.823
shock us, baby, please.
01:19:34.392 --> 01:19:36.562
And you, my Danny boy.
01:19:38.463 --> 01:19:41.064
- You're fourth.
- I'm never fourth.
01:19:41.066 --> 01:19:44.234
But the fourth runner
it's always the fastest runner.
01:19:44.236 --> 01:19:45.402
Ahh.
01:19:45.404 --> 01:19:49.372
He's also the smartest runner.
01:19:49.374 --> 01:19:52.643
Because he knows
what it takes to win.
01:19:52.645 --> 01:19:56.646
Either dig deep to make up
for the lost time,
01:19:56.648 --> 01:20:00.117
or run just fast enough
to hold the lead.
01:20:00.119 --> 01:20:04.087
I was always the fourth runner.
01:20:04.089 --> 01:20:07.761
Because I was very, very good.
01:20:08.660 --> 01:20:11.795
So, let's stretch.
01:20:11.797 --> 01:20:14.230
Warm up.
01:20:14.232 --> 01:20:16.332
And assume the position.
01:20:16.334 --> 01:20:17.835
Okay, now I like this part.
01:20:17.837 --> 01:20:20.269
Isn't she something?
01:20:20.271 --> 01:20:21.337
Stand up, baby.
01:20:21.339 --> 01:20:23.439
So now what, we actually run?
01:20:23.441 --> 01:20:26.609
Yes, and Frank is going
to tell you
01:20:26.611 --> 01:20:28.511
- what's at the finish line.
- No. no, baby.
01:20:28.513 --> 01:20:31.448
We have no more room
for investors...
01:20:31.450 --> 01:20:32.815
- Come on, Frank.
- Please, please, Frank.
01:20:32.817 --> 01:20:35.885
I mean, you cannot trust
those millionaires
01:20:35.887 --> 01:20:38.421
from Silicon Valley.
01:20:38.423 --> 01:20:40.524
Silicon is fake,
01:20:40.526 --> 01:20:43.327
like the fake silicon boobs.
01:20:43.329 --> 01:20:45.229
They're fake millionaires,
they're nouveau rich!
01:20:45.231 --> 01:20:46.462
It's just a pitch, it's a pitch.
01:20:46.464 --> 01:20:48.398
- Now you have to tell him about
- Ah, give it up.
01:20:48.400 --> 01:20:49.565
- the pig.
- Give it up. Say the pitch.
01:20:49.567 --> 01:20:51.234
- Come on.
- Tell them about the pig.
01:20:51.236 --> 01:20:52.536
- The pig!
- All right, all right.
01:20:52.538 --> 01:20:53.604
All right, all right.
01:20:53.606 --> 01:20:54.607
Okay.
01:20:55.406 --> 01:20:56.640
You know the phrase,
01:20:56.642 --> 01:20:58.211
"Burn down the house
to cook the pig"?
01:20:59.378 --> 01:21:00.610
You don't have a lot
of house left
01:21:00.612 --> 01:21:01.780
but you have a lot
of cooked pig?
01:21:03.382 --> 01:21:04.848
All the bankruptcy filings
in this country.
01:21:04.850 --> 01:21:06.250
Right now,
people have lost everything.
01:21:06.252 --> 01:21:07.654
They gambled
and they got wiped out.
01:21:08.721 --> 01:21:10.253
Have I got your attention?
01:21:13.726 --> 01:21:15.559
We...
01:21:15.561 --> 01:21:17.860
help them sell
the barbecued pork.
01:21:17.862 --> 01:21:21.700
People browse yard sales
from home.
01:21:22.634 --> 01:21:24.137
It's called YardBay.
01:21:25.905 --> 01:21:27.206
Yeah, baby.
01:21:30.441 --> 01:21:31.444
I like it.
01:21:32.178 --> 01:21:33.577
I like it.
01:21:33.579 --> 01:21:34.677
Let's talk.
01:21:34.679 --> 01:21:36.680
And the winner is...
01:21:36.682 --> 01:21:37.948
Dan!
01:21:37.950 --> 01:21:40.884
My wife is so fucking drunk.
01:21:40.886 --> 01:21:42.418
Your acting was brilliant.
01:21:42.420 --> 01:21:43.487
Well, I couldn't have
gotten home
01:21:43.489 --> 01:21:44.787
if you didn't put me
on third, baby.
01:21:44.789 --> 01:21:46.189
I feel great.
01:21:46.191 --> 01:21:47.424
Oh, it really was, wasn't it?
01:21:47.426 --> 01:21:49.225
I just did a "Carl."
01:21:49.227 --> 01:21:52.461
My crazy made you look good,
and now they want YardBay!
01:21:52.463 --> 01:21:54.198
I'm gonna call Jason.
I need to have something
01:21:54.200 --> 01:21:55.933
to show Dan over lunch tomorrow.
01:21:55.935 --> 01:21:57.137
Yes!
01:21:58.236 --> 01:21:59.869
Oh, Frank, is it over?
01:21:59.871 --> 01:22:02.706
Are we finally out
of this shitstorm?
01:22:02.708 --> 01:22:04.942
I don't know how, but I think
we did it, didn't we?
01:22:04.944 --> 01:22:06.846
Who said
you can't unring a bell?
01:22:08.347 --> 01:22:10.346
Mom, Dad...
01:22:10.348 --> 01:22:11.415
Rachel.
01:22:11.417 --> 01:22:12.849
I'm with...
01:22:12.851 --> 01:22:14.751
And I see you've met Carl.
01:22:14.753 --> 01:22:16.452
Nancy, I've been so worried.
01:22:16.454 --> 01:22:18.221
Carl told me everything.
01:22:18.223 --> 01:22:19.890
I've tried piecing it together,
but...
01:22:20.959 --> 01:22:22.391
I don't know.
01:22:22.393 --> 01:22:23.627
I called Aunt Betty.
01:22:23.629 --> 01:22:25.362
She's on her way here.
01:22:25.364 --> 01:22:26.329
Great.
01:22:26.331 --> 01:22:29.699
Honey, it's Nigel.
01:22:29.701 --> 01:22:31.236
- Yes.
- No.
01:22:31.669 --> 01:22:32.568
Nige.
01:22:32.570 --> 01:22:34.871
I'm sorry,
did you just call me "Nige"?
01:22:34.873 --> 01:22:36.006
Uh, it's possible.
01:22:36.008 --> 01:22:37.841
I knew a guy
named "Adolf Dick" once,
01:22:37.843 --> 01:22:39.775
- that's a tough name, isn't it?
- Listen.
01:22:39.777 --> 01:22:42.546
I just had
an amazing conversation
01:22:42.548 --> 01:22:43.680
with the police.
01:22:43.682 --> 01:22:47.684
Who informed me that my house
has been burglarized!
01:22:47.686 --> 01:22:49.752
I am about to board this flight,
01:22:49.754 --> 01:22:52.889
and come home and start ripping
some new assholes.
01:22:52.891 --> 01:22:54.558
- All right?
- No, no.
01:22:54.560 --> 01:22:56.493
They caught the culprit,
everything's back in the house.
01:22:56.495 --> 01:22:58.362
It's all good
in the hood, Nigel.
01:22:58.364 --> 01:22:59.563
Oh.
01:22:59.565 --> 01:23:01.797
Oh, the police found him?
They didn't let me know that.
01:23:01.799 --> 01:23:04.033
All right, listen.
I want the perpetrators.
01:23:04.035 --> 01:23:05.601
I want them prosecuted.
01:23:05.603 --> 01:23:07.537
And I want them
sent to jail, okay?
01:23:07.539 --> 01:23:08.604
No, no, Nigel.
01:23:08.606 --> 01:23:11.707
The thief was hit by a car
and a bike and a rock.
01:23:11.709 --> 01:23:12.975
Isn't that punishment enough?
01:23:12.977 --> 01:23:16.613
You know, even 5,000 miles away,
I can still smell the bullshit.
01:23:16.615 --> 01:23:17.713
I'm getting on this plane.
01:23:17.715 --> 01:23:19.649
Or, I could go take a picture
of your living room
01:23:19.651 --> 01:23:20.518
and send it to you.
01:23:20.520 --> 01:23:23.319
And you could see
how it's pristine.
01:23:24.990 --> 01:23:26.392
Yeah. Send it.
01:23:32.798 --> 01:23:36.533
Rachel, I understand
that you must be mad.
01:23:36.535 --> 01:23:39.368
Mom, I'm mad
that you didn't trust me enough
01:23:39.370 --> 01:23:40.973
to tell me what was going on.
01:23:41.673 --> 01:23:42.708
And also...
01:23:44.043 --> 01:23:46.542
I'm mad that I missed out
on seeing
01:23:46.544 --> 01:23:49.412
my amazing parents in action.
01:23:49.414 --> 01:23:50.716
I wish I could've been there...
01:23:51.950 --> 01:23:54.454
because I'll never stop learning
from you, guys.
01:23:55.954 --> 01:23:57.520
Rachel.
01:24:02.026 --> 01:24:04.396
Go upstairs to my closet.
It's now a panic room.
01:24:05.897 --> 01:24:07.930
Hey, pervert.
01:24:07.932 --> 01:24:09.901
What did we tell you
about coming back here?
01:24:14.839 --> 01:24:16.038
Where's the main deviant?
01:24:16.040 --> 01:24:17.107
Jason?
01:24:17.109 --> 01:24:18.875
Don't worry, Rach.
01:24:18.877 --> 01:24:20.911
- I got this.
- No, Jason.
01:24:20.913 --> 01:24:22.778
Don't mess with these guys.
01:24:22.780 --> 01:24:25.515
Frank, we have a problema!
01:24:25.517 --> 01:24:26.515
No, no, no.
01:24:26.517 --> 01:24:29.819
Nobody speaks to Mrs. Teagarten
like that. Huh.
01:24:29.821 --> 01:24:31.387
What you got there,
ironsides?
01:24:31.389 --> 01:24:33.357
- A cap gun?
- Tasers.
01:24:33.359 --> 01:24:34.623
I carry rent money.
01:24:39.498 --> 01:24:41.665
Holy shit!
Those are police tasers.
01:24:41.667 --> 01:24:43.600
Oh, I want that fucker.
01:24:43.602 --> 01:24:44.768
- Be prepared to meet your...
- Give me one.
01:24:44.770 --> 01:24:47.037
Hey, kids. What are you guys
doing here?
01:24:47.039 --> 01:24:48.505
All right,
I'm just right in the middle
01:24:48.507 --> 01:24:49.439
of something super important.
01:24:49.441 --> 01:24:50.806
We really don't fucking care.
01:24:50.808 --> 01:24:51.942
Back off,
you stupid fuck.
01:24:51.944 --> 01:24:53.443
- Fight me!
- Who are you kids?
01:24:53.445 --> 01:24:54.411
Please leave me be...
01:24:54.413 --> 01:24:56.645
- Suck a fat one!
- My girlfriend is watching!
01:24:56.647 --> 01:24:57.948
- Fucking pussy!
- Take the tasers.
01:24:57.950 --> 01:24:59.616
You wore me down.
01:24:59.618 --> 01:25:00.620
Oh, shit.
01:25:02.053 --> 01:25:04.653
- Who are you?
- I'm plumber.
01:25:06.090 --> 01:25:08.457
Ready for some shock
and awe, fuckers?
01:25:08.459 --> 01:25:09.525
Amen.
01:25:12.697 --> 01:25:14.698
Kneel before your god.
01:25:14.700 --> 01:25:16.666
You guys are wonderful children.
Both of you.
01:25:16.668 --> 01:25:18.103
All right, guys.
01:25:19.471 --> 01:25:20.636
All right, we're good.
01:25:20.638 --> 01:25:22.738
Dad, for once, we're having
fucking fun in our lives,
01:25:22.740 --> 01:25:24.006
because you never gave us
a good childhood,
01:25:24.008 --> 01:25:25.811
so can you just like,
let us have fun?
01:25:27.945 --> 01:25:29.011
Pfft.
01:25:35.887 --> 01:25:36.952
Nice.
01:25:36.954 --> 01:25:38.188
- All right.
- Ay, mi amor.
01:25:38.190 --> 01:25:39.555
- We're done.
- That was amazing.
01:25:39.557 --> 01:25:40.726
Thanks, baby.
01:25:42.828 --> 01:25:45.429
Okay, I understand the impulse.
01:25:45.431 --> 01:25:48.165
But let's have no more
of this vigilante justice, okay?
01:25:48.167 --> 01:25:50.033
We have to have law and order.
Believe me, I would know.
01:25:57.942 --> 01:25:59.943
All right, listen up.
01:25:59.945 --> 01:26:02.415
We've got two minutes.
Everything inside.
01:26:04.749 --> 01:26:06.683
Sir, you really need to board.
01:26:06.685 --> 01:26:08.020
Yeah, all right,
all right, all right.
01:26:11.222 --> 01:26:12.288
All right, uh,
01:26:12.290 --> 01:26:15.091
pull my bags off the plane,
I'm going to Nepal.
01:26:15.093 --> 01:26:16.560
You can't be serious.
01:26:16.562 --> 01:26:18.929
Yeah, hurry up. Come on, lady!
Let's go.
01:26:18.931 --> 01:26:20.229
Pull the trigger on my bags.
01:26:20.231 --> 01:26:21.564
Uh...
01:26:21.566 --> 01:26:24.167
Airport security to Gate B31.
01:26:24.169 --> 01:26:26.569
Wait, why?
'Cause I called you "lady"?
01:26:26.571 --> 01:26:27.570
You said the word "trigger."
01:26:27.572 --> 01:26:29.706
It's not a great word
around here, these days.
01:26:29.708 --> 01:26:32.475
Oh, you called the pigs,
you fucking stupid...
01:26:32.477 --> 01:26:33.344
Oh, you...
01:26:33.346 --> 01:26:35.211
That... He is a lady,
that's his...
01:26:35.213 --> 01:26:36.479
Oh, fuck!
01:27:01.539 --> 01:27:02.973
Good luck.
01:27:02.975 --> 01:27:04.174
Bye.
01:27:04.176 --> 01:27:05.242
Oh, Frank.
01:27:05.244 --> 01:27:08.144
So, I can't talk you
out of this, right?
01:27:08.146 --> 01:27:09.912
No, honey, you can't.
01:27:09.914 --> 01:27:11.917
Good. More than good.
01:27:30.602 --> 01:27:31.671
Is this Rose?
01:27:33.605 --> 01:27:35.872
Hi Rose, I am Nancy.
01:27:35.874 --> 01:27:37.607
Where's my daddy?
01:27:37.609 --> 01:27:39.009
Your daddy couldn't come.
01:27:39.011 --> 01:27:40.010
But he sent me to get you,
01:27:40.012 --> 01:27:42.311
and you're going
to see him really, really soon.
01:27:42.313 --> 01:27:43.380
Meanwhile,
01:27:43.382 --> 01:27:46.582
I'm gonna be taking care of you.
Is that all right?
01:27:46.584 --> 01:27:50.052
Is he in jail?
Sometimes he goes to jail.
01:27:50.054 --> 01:27:53.622
You shouldn't worry about that,
you must be so tired.
01:27:53.624 --> 01:27:55.527
And what about hungry,
are you hungry?
01:27:57.295 --> 01:27:59.194
Thank you very much.
01:27:59.196 --> 01:28:01.864
You're so brave
that you came all that way.
01:28:01.866 --> 01:28:03.899
- Were you scared?
- A little.
01:28:14.780 --> 01:28:16.246
Turkey, turkey!
01:28:20.118 --> 01:28:22.685
O. Henry once said,
that "Love and family
01:28:22.687 --> 01:28:25.154
and country are nothing
but shadows of words
01:28:25.156 --> 01:28:27.056
when a man is starving."
01:28:27.058 --> 01:28:29.059
Uh, and today,
we are not starving.
01:28:29.061 --> 01:28:30.760
Yeah. I'm glad you're all here.
01:28:30.762 --> 01:28:32.362
"O. Henry once said,
01:28:32.364 --> 01:28:34.898
that love and family and country
01:28:34.900 --> 01:28:37.600
all together is..."
01:28:37.602 --> 01:28:38.737
Uh...
01:28:41.706 --> 01:28:43.609
You're right. I'm a douche.
01:28:45.243 --> 01:28:46.943
Yes!
01:28:46.945 --> 01:28:48.377
Yes!
01:28:48.379 --> 01:28:51.146
You most certainly are a douche.
01:28:53.619 --> 01:28:55.719
And that is the first step
towards recovery.
01:28:55.721 --> 01:28:57.086
Thank you.
01:28:57.088 --> 01:29:00.090
Okay, okay, here we go.
01:29:00.092 --> 01:29:01.957
I'm thankful that we got rid
01:29:01.959 --> 01:29:05.327
of our stuck up,
useless friends.
01:29:05.329 --> 01:29:07.896
Our new ones
are a little strange,
01:29:07.898 --> 01:29:10.800
but they are true friends.
01:29:10.802 --> 01:29:15.404
I am so thankful that I married
the love of my life.
01:29:15.406 --> 01:29:20.743
And that I know my Frank and I
can overcome anything,
01:29:20.745 --> 01:29:22.347
as long as we are together.
01:29:23.181 --> 01:29:24.346
I love you.
01:29:24.348 --> 01:29:26.686
Rose, Rachel.
01:29:27.686 --> 01:29:30.686
Thank god for Baby Ruths.
01:29:31.990 --> 01:29:33.390
Okay, who's hungry?
01:29:33.392 --> 01:29:34.858
Me.
01:29:34.860 --> 01:29:36.027
For my new friend.
01:29:42.767 --> 01:29:44.199
Well, that's our story.
01:29:44.201 --> 01:29:46.403
Frank and Nancy lived
in Jason's trailer court
01:29:46.405 --> 01:29:47.738
for a while.
01:29:47.740 --> 01:29:50.239
And Frank took the job
snipping catalytic converters.
01:29:50.241 --> 01:29:52.108
He's pretty darn good at it.
01:29:52.110 --> 01:29:53.342
They rented the house to Carl,
01:29:53.344 --> 01:29:55.811
and they all worked
night and day on YardBay.
01:29:55.813 --> 01:29:59.314
Last time we checked,
it was getting pretty darn huge.
01:29:59.316 --> 01:30:01.451
And it all started
when they got drunk.
01:30:01.453 --> 01:30:03.185
And because they were drunk,
01:30:03.187 --> 01:30:06.021
drunk with love
for their daughter.
01:30:06.023 --> 01:30:07.323
And like the saying goes,
01:30:07.325 --> 01:30:10.460
"A drunk man's actions
are a sober man's thoughts."
01:30:10.462 --> 01:30:13.098
They were drunk parents.
01:30:53.674 --> 01:30:58.674
Subtitles by explosiveskull