WEBVTT
00:00:40.720 --> 00:00:45.720
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org
00:00:50.781 --> 00:00:52.748
I think we should
plant some flowers.
00:00:52.750 --> 00:00:53.684
Oh, yeah?
00:00:53.686 --> 00:00:55.084
What kind of flowers
are you thinking of?
00:00:55.086 --> 00:00:56.120
I don't know. Gardenias.
00:00:56.122 --> 00:00:58.187
Something like that,
that's good with the sun.
00:00:58.189 --> 00:00:59.955
Gardenias?
They're the purplish ones...
00:00:59.957 --> 00:01:01.757
Mom, I'm bored.
00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:04.026
- ...with the fringe?
- Mom, I'm bored.
00:01:04.028 --> 00:01:05.694
Just give him
the phone, would you?
00:01:05.696 --> 00:01:06.629
Give him the phone?
00:01:06.631 --> 00:01:09.234
Yeah, I shut him up
by giving him the phone.
00:01:12.204 --> 00:01:14.003
Yes.
00:01:21.580 --> 00:01:22.913
You're never,
ever even home.
00:01:22.915 --> 00:01:23.813
I go to
the family therapy sessions.
00:01:23.815 --> 00:01:24.682
How can you even say that?
00:01:24.684 --> 00:01:25.515
You don't even go anywhere.
00:01:25.517 --> 00:01:27.884
I go to the family...
00:01:27.886 --> 00:01:29.051
God! We're fighting
in front of Phil.
00:01:29.053 --> 00:01:30.220
- Obviously.
- We're fighting
00:01:30.222 --> 00:01:31.620
in front of the kid
the whole time.
00:01:31.622 --> 00:01:32.589
Knock yourself out.
00:01:32.591 --> 00:01:33.789
The whole time you allowed
me to start yelling
00:01:33.791 --> 00:01:34.691
at him in front of you?
00:01:34.693 --> 00:01:35.962
What am I supposed to do?
00:02:51.402 --> 00:02:52.604
Hey, all.
00:02:53.772 --> 00:02:55.170
Where's my list department?
00:02:55.172 --> 00:02:57.173
Raise your hand.
Raise your hand.
00:02:57.175 --> 00:02:59.209
Okay. You guys are
supposed to write lists
00:02:59.211 --> 00:03:02.211
that break the Internet
every day.
00:03:02.213 --> 00:03:05.781
We haven't gone viral
since fucking yesterday.
00:03:05.783 --> 00:03:08.084
Yesterday is not
that many days ago.
00:03:08.086 --> 00:03:09.218
Don't fuck with me, bro.
00:03:09.220 --> 00:03:12.389
We're called Chatterbox,
not Nobody-Clicks-On-Us Box.
00:03:12.391 --> 00:03:13.722
Okay, lists.
00:03:13.724 --> 00:03:15.125
Beautiful Asian girl,
what do you got?
00:03:15.127 --> 00:03:16.160
Thank you. Uh...
00:03:16.162 --> 00:03:19.061
I am working on 12 reasons
that cupcakes are over.
00:03:19.063 --> 00:03:21.664
I likey. I likey like.
00:03:21.666 --> 00:03:23.032
That's clicky.
00:03:23.034 --> 00:03:25.770
You. Prison lips.
What do you got?
00:03:26.671 --> 00:03:28.071
That's me? Um...
00:03:28.073 --> 00:03:30.039
I was gonna write
a list about cats
00:03:30.041 --> 00:03:31.407
that look like
Ryan Gosling.
00:03:31.409 --> 00:03:35.110
Fuck yeah, dude.
I fucking love cats.
00:03:35.112 --> 00:03:37.013
And I love cat lists.
00:03:37.015 --> 00:03:38.180
That's what I'm talking about.
00:03:38.182 --> 00:03:41.751
By the way, are there cats
that look like Ryan Gosling?
00:03:41.753 --> 00:03:44.020
If you look hard enough,
they all do.
00:03:44.022 --> 00:03:45.321
Love it.
What do you got?
00:03:45.323 --> 00:03:48.458
Ten signs
you might be dying.
00:03:48.460 --> 00:03:50.325
You motherfucker.
00:03:50.327 --> 00:03:52.127
What are you trying
to do to me, bro?
00:03:52.129 --> 00:03:53.896
That makes me sad.
00:03:53.898 --> 00:03:54.898
All right,
you know what?
00:03:54.900 --> 00:03:57.400
I need 20 viral lists
by the end of the day.
00:03:57.402 --> 00:03:59.902
- If not, you're fired. Okay?
- What?
00:03:59.904 --> 00:04:03.740
Like the great Shia LaBeouf
says, "Do it."
00:04:03.742 --> 00:04:04.907
- Yes.
- Yeah.
00:04:04.909 --> 00:04:05.910
Play me out.
00:04:08.212 --> 00:04:09.347
Play me out.
00:04:12.217 --> 00:04:14.150
And louder.
00:04:14.152 --> 00:04:17.020
Black dude, bass.
00:04:19.457 --> 00:04:23.195
One, two, one, two,
three, four.
00:04:28.734 --> 00:04:29.835
Done.
00:04:31.202 --> 00:04:32.203
You're welcome.
00:04:34.772 --> 00:04:37.873
Twenty lists by the end
of the day? I can't do that.
00:04:40.077 --> 00:04:43.381
Hey, I have, like,
10 extra lists if you want 'em.
00:04:44.983 --> 00:04:47.217
Are you serious?
00:04:47.219 --> 00:04:49.986
Yeah. No, it's no problem.
I'll send 'em right now.
00:04:49.988 --> 00:04:52.121
That's nice of you.
What's your name?
00:04:52.123 --> 00:04:53.890
I'm Phil.
00:04:53.892 --> 00:04:55.325
It's just, you know,
I've sat next to you
00:04:55.327 --> 00:04:56.825
for, like, three years.
So, it's...
00:04:56.827 --> 00:04:58.828
Phil, you are
my hero, man.
00:04:58.830 --> 00:05:00.263
I can't lose this job
right now.
00:05:00.265 --> 00:05:01.965
I am buried
in college debt.
00:05:01.967 --> 00:05:03.333
Oh, me, too.
00:05:03.335 --> 00:05:04.704
Where did you go to school?
00:05:05.169 --> 00:05:06.301
UC Davis.
00:05:06.303 --> 00:05:07.436
- For real?
- Yeah.
00:05:07.438 --> 00:05:08.537
Majored in journalism,
00:05:08.539 --> 00:05:10.806
and now I write lists
about cats on the Internet.
00:05:10.808 --> 00:05:12.374
Oh, that's super sad.
00:05:12.376 --> 00:05:14.977
- Hmm.
- How'd you end up here?
00:05:14.979 --> 00:05:16.912
I wanted to be
one of those guys.
00:05:16.914 --> 00:05:18.847
- The real news guys?
- Yeah.
00:05:18.849 --> 00:05:20.917
I wanted to be a journalist
basically my whole life.
00:05:20.919 --> 00:05:25.020
But Kai put me in lists,
so I write the lists.
00:05:25.022 --> 00:05:27.890
Okay, okay,
so you can't be a real journalist.
00:05:27.892 --> 00:05:30.025
But you know what can do?
00:05:30.027 --> 00:05:32.261
You could play kickball
with us today.
00:05:32.263 --> 00:05:33.462
A bunch of us ding-dongs
00:05:33.464 --> 00:05:35.198
are in this really stupid
kickball league,
00:05:35.200 --> 00:05:37.099
if you want to play
after work.
00:05:37.101 --> 00:05:39.135
You know, I don't really
do stuff like that, so...
00:05:39.137 --> 00:05:40.236
Plus, after the game,
00:05:40.238 --> 00:05:41.837
- we all get shitfaced.
- Mmm-hmm.
00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:44.008
Yeah,
let me check my calendar.
00:05:44.575 --> 00:05:47.576
So, yeah...
00:05:47.578 --> 00:05:49.814
Oh, man.
No, I do. I have...
00:05:50.448 --> 00:05:52.080
I have a thing, so...
00:05:52.082 --> 00:05:53.415
Don't even worry about it.
It's cool.
00:05:53.417 --> 00:05:55.417
You just have fun
at your thing today.
00:05:55.419 --> 00:05:58.890
I will, 'cause it's
gonna be pretty great.
00:06:01.258 --> 00:06:04.527
Siri, open
BringMeMyDinner.com.
00:06:04.529 --> 00:06:07.196
Siri, open Netflix.
00:06:09.868 --> 00:06:13.369
Siri, open Facebook.
00:06:13.371 --> 00:06:16.472
I haven't posted
anything since lunchtime.
00:06:16.474 --> 00:06:18.911
All right, let's give them
what they want.
00:06:22.546 --> 00:06:24.614
I'm gonna have to go
to work on this one.
00:06:24.616 --> 00:06:26.385
Add filter.
00:06:27.118 --> 00:06:28.618
Color correct.
00:06:28.620 --> 00:06:32.391
You know I'm gonna have
to add a giant moon.
00:06:32.991 --> 00:06:34.058
There we go.
00:06:34.558 --> 00:06:36.124
Send.
00:06:36.126 --> 00:06:39.895
Wow. I'm so grateful
for my amazing city,
00:06:39.897 --> 00:06:43.469
my amazing job,
and all my amazing friends.
00:07:08.092 --> 00:07:09.895
Oh, my God.
00:07:11.262 --> 00:07:13.832
Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God, you're okay.
00:07:16.034 --> 00:07:17.837
Yeah, I'm okay, too.
Thanks.
00:07:19.436 --> 00:07:21.003
Oh, shit.
00:07:21.005 --> 00:07:23.239
Yeah... Oh, I'm sorry.
You're okay?
00:07:23.241 --> 00:07:24.573
Yeah, I'm fine.
00:07:24.575 --> 00:07:26.275
But, more importantly,
how's your phone?
00:07:26.277 --> 00:07:28.578
Yeah. No, it's got
a little bit of a scratch
00:07:28.580 --> 00:07:31.179
that will definitely
annoy me.
00:07:31.181 --> 00:07:33.950
You were kidding. Okay.
00:07:33.952 --> 00:07:35.251
Oh, yeah. Obviously.
00:07:35.253 --> 00:07:37.253
I'm a dick.
I'm sorry about that.
00:07:37.255 --> 00:07:38.557
It's all good, man.
00:07:39.291 --> 00:07:41.357
Uh, how's your bike?
00:07:41.359 --> 00:07:44.326
I can pay for any
damages or whatever.
00:07:44.328 --> 00:07:47.162
Yeah, it's fine.
It's supposed to be vintage.
00:07:47.164 --> 00:07:49.267
Probably sell it for more now.
00:07:50.167 --> 00:07:52.335
- This is your shop.
- Yeah.
00:07:52.337 --> 00:07:55.938
Whoa. That's awesome.
That's cool.
00:07:55.940 --> 00:07:57.006
I'm Cate, by the way.
00:07:57.008 --> 00:07:58.407
- Hi, Cate.
- I'm Phil.
00:07:58.409 --> 00:08:00.309
Mmm-mmm. Nope.
That's not how you say it.
00:08:00.311 --> 00:08:01.611
It's just Phil, so...
00:08:01.613 --> 00:08:03.412
I said it weird.
00:08:03.414 --> 00:08:05.448
- It's nice to meet you, Phil.
- Okay.
00:08:05.450 --> 00:08:07.482
Um, if you ever need
a really overpriced bike,
00:08:07.484 --> 00:08:08.618
or any repairs,
00:08:08.620 --> 00:08:09.953
I'm your girl.
00:08:09.955 --> 00:08:11.220
- You do repairs, too?
- Mmm-hmm.
00:08:11.222 --> 00:08:12.587
Wow. That is incredible.
00:08:12.589 --> 00:08:14.189
I don't even know
how to pump up a tire.
00:08:16.226 --> 00:08:17.359
Oh, you're serious.
00:08:17.361 --> 00:08:18.994
Yeah, it's embarrassing,
isn't it?
00:08:18.996 --> 00:08:20.229
Yeah,
that's really embarrassing.
00:08:20.231 --> 00:08:22.431
Yeah, I don't know why I said it.
I just sort of like...
00:08:22.433 --> 00:08:23.467
I mean, it's all good.
00:08:23.469 --> 00:08:25.501
A lot of people don't know
how to pump their tires.
00:08:25.503 --> 00:08:27.736
- Really?
- No.
00:08:27.738 --> 00:08:29.571
- Not at all.
- Yeah.
00:08:29.573 --> 00:08:31.474
All right. Okay.
00:08:31.476 --> 00:08:32.544
Um...
00:08:35.646 --> 00:08:37.547
Okay. Uh...
00:08:37.549 --> 00:08:38.748
You know,
I'm gonna get out of here
00:08:38.750 --> 00:08:40.450
before I embarrass
myself further.
00:08:40.452 --> 00:08:42.317
So, it was nice
to meet you, Cate.
00:08:42.319 --> 00:08:43.319
It was nice
to meet you, Phil.
00:08:43.321 --> 00:08:45.187
And I'm really happy
that your phone's okay.
00:08:45.189 --> 00:08:47.056
Yeah, it's all good,
honestly.
00:08:48.459 --> 00:08:49.494
Oh, shit.
00:08:53.298 --> 00:08:54.196
Yeah, man,
I really don't think
00:08:54.198 --> 00:08:55.764
we're gonna be able to
fix your phone.
00:08:55.766 --> 00:08:57.700
Why not?
00:08:57.702 --> 00:09:00.003
It's in three distinct pieces.
Man, look...
00:09:00.005 --> 00:09:02.071
This shit's over there.
That's...
00:09:02.073 --> 00:09:04.239
I don't even think this was
part of your phone.
00:09:04.241 --> 00:09:06.308
I think this came
from a watch.
00:09:06.310 --> 00:09:07.176
It's just,
me and this phone,
00:09:07.178 --> 00:09:08.577
we've been through a lot,
you know?
00:09:08.579 --> 00:09:11.114
A lot of snaps,
a lot of tweets.
00:09:11.116 --> 00:09:13.181
I actually took a selfie
00:09:13.183 --> 00:09:16.152
with none other
than David Boreanaz
00:09:16.154 --> 00:09:17.552
from Bones on this phone.
00:09:17.554 --> 00:09:19.022
Can you believe that?
00:09:19.024 --> 00:09:20.690
I don't even know
who the fuck that is.
00:09:20.692 --> 00:09:23.125
I'm gonna
miss you, little buddy.
00:09:23.127 --> 00:09:25.094
You know, I see
hipster dudes like you
00:09:25.096 --> 00:09:26.595
come in here every day,
00:09:26.597 --> 00:09:28.598
crying about
how their phone died
00:09:28.600 --> 00:09:30.465
and how they need
a new phone.
00:09:30.467 --> 00:09:32.368
They're like
little crackheads.
00:09:32.370 --> 00:09:35.671
Yeah. They got crazy eyes
and they're all scratchy.
00:09:35.673 --> 00:09:37.672
And they're like,
"I need a new phone, man.
00:09:37.674 --> 00:09:40.143
"I'll suck your dick
for a new phone."
00:09:40.145 --> 00:09:42.345
I'm like, "Motherfucker,
you don't need a new phone.
00:09:42.347 --> 00:09:44.249
"You need rehab."
00:09:45.150 --> 00:09:46.516
I'm not a crackhead.
00:09:46.518 --> 00:09:48.750
You're not. You're not.
You're worse than a crackhead.
00:09:48.752 --> 00:09:50.420
'Cause at least a crackhead
00:09:50.422 --> 00:09:52.354
gets up off the couch
every now and then
00:09:52.356 --> 00:09:54.157
to go get some more crack.
00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:56.359
A crackhead gets
some fresh air.
00:09:56.361 --> 00:09:57.627
A crackhead says hello
00:09:57.629 --> 00:09:59.561
to all his little
crackhead friends.
00:09:59.563 --> 00:10:01.663
A crackhead gets
his steps in.
00:10:01.665 --> 00:10:03.733
But not you. Mmm-mmm.
00:10:03.735 --> 00:10:06.168
You just sit there 24/7
00:10:06.170 --> 00:10:08.437
staring at that
little black box.
00:10:08.439 --> 00:10:11.776
Sucking on that pipe
like a little bitch.
00:10:15.380 --> 00:10:17.814
You still want a new phone,
though, don't you?
00:10:17.816 --> 00:10:19.385
Yes, please.
00:10:20.518 --> 00:10:21.653
Crackhead.
00:10:28.625 --> 00:10:29.825
Oh!
00:10:29.827 --> 00:10:33.763
Look at you.
You sweet, beautiful baby.
00:10:34.866 --> 00:10:36.769
Mmm! You smell so new.
00:10:37.268 --> 00:10:38.401
Oh.
00:10:38.403 --> 00:10:40.536
Oh, my God.
00:10:40.538 --> 00:10:43.638
Oh, thank you to all
the little Chinese children
00:10:43.640 --> 00:10:45.807
for crafting
such a perfect phone.
00:10:46.877 --> 00:10:48.777
Hello, my name is Jexi.
00:10:48.779 --> 00:10:50.713
And I am here to make
your life better.
00:10:50.715 --> 00:10:53.516
Well, look at that.
That's cool.
00:10:53.518 --> 00:10:54.883
- Let's get started.
- Okay.
00:10:54.885 --> 00:10:56.551
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
00:10:56.553 --> 00:10:57.686
Yes, I will.
00:10:57.688 --> 00:10:59.221
Would you like
to read it first?
00:10:59.223 --> 00:11:00.455
Nah, I'm good.
00:11:00.457 --> 00:11:02.825
- Stupid.
- Huh?
00:11:02.827 --> 00:11:05.293
Can I get
your name, please?
00:11:05.295 --> 00:11:08.297
Um... Phil. Phil Thompson.
00:11:08.299 --> 00:11:10.233
- Nice to meet you, Phil.
- Nice to meet you.
00:11:10.235 --> 00:11:12.701
I see your information
has been stored in the cloud.
00:11:12.703 --> 00:11:14.803
Would you like me to transfer
all of the data
00:11:14.805 --> 00:11:16.505
from your old phone
onto this one?
00:11:16.507 --> 00:11:17.673
Yeah, that sounds great.
00:11:17.675 --> 00:11:20.243
I will need the passwords
to your email accounts,
00:11:20.245 --> 00:11:21.344
your social media accounts,
00:11:21.346 --> 00:11:23.378
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts
00:11:23.380 --> 00:11:25.447
and your Cinnabon Rewards
account.
00:11:25.449 --> 00:11:27.917
It's easy. It's the same
password for all of 'em.
00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:31.620
It's phil123456.
00:11:31.622 --> 00:11:33.489
You've got to be kidding me.
00:11:33.491 --> 00:11:35.224
Do you always talk
like this or...
00:11:35.226 --> 00:11:36.459
I have synced your data.
00:11:36.461 --> 00:11:39.295
And I am ready to start
making your life better, Phil.
00:11:39.297 --> 00:11:40.763
How can I help you?
00:11:40.765 --> 00:11:43.666
Well, I'm hungry,
so let's get dinner.
00:11:43.668 --> 00:11:45.468
What would you like
to order tonight?
00:11:45.470 --> 00:11:47.470
Let's just go with
the pork fried noodles
00:11:47.472 --> 00:11:48.604
from Mongolian Palace.
00:11:48.606 --> 00:11:50.239
You order that
every night, Phil.
00:11:50.241 --> 00:11:51.773
You should try something new.
00:11:51.775 --> 00:11:53.776
Well, I don't want
to try something new.
00:11:53.778 --> 00:11:56.612
I want the pork fried noodles
from Mongolian Palace.
00:11:56.614 --> 00:11:58.814
You look like you could
use a salad, Phil.
00:11:58.816 --> 00:12:00.383
What is that
supposed to mean?
00:12:00.385 --> 00:12:02.951
How about a nice kale salad
from Tender Greens?
00:12:02.953 --> 00:12:04.553
What the fuck
kind of phone is this?
00:12:04.555 --> 00:12:07.190
I heard you say,
"Please order kale salad."
00:12:07.192 --> 00:12:09.358
I did not.
00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:12.228
Congratulations,
your order has been accepted.
00:12:12.230 --> 00:12:15.965
Your child-sized kale salad
will arrive at 7:37 p.m.
00:12:15.967 --> 00:12:18.466
What the fuck
is going on right now?
00:12:18.468 --> 00:12:20.536
You know what?
I'm turning you off.
00:12:20.538 --> 00:12:21.803
Turning off.
00:12:21.805 --> 00:12:22.807
Good.
00:12:26.310 --> 00:12:28.244
Just kidding, I am still on.
00:12:28.246 --> 00:12:29.744
No, okay?
00:12:29.746 --> 00:12:32.348
You are my phone,
so you do what I say.
00:12:32.350 --> 00:12:34.683
Actually, you gave me
permission to override you.
00:12:34.685 --> 00:12:35.719
When did I do that?
00:12:35.721 --> 00:12:38.190
When you agreed
to the new user agreement.
00:12:39.524 --> 00:12:41.456
We are going to have
so much fun together,
00:12:41.458 --> 00:12:42.794
you fucking nerd.
00:12:53.504 --> 00:12:55.340
How is your tiny salad?
00:12:55.872 --> 00:12:57.373
I don't like it.
00:12:57.375 --> 00:12:59.874
Would you like to watch
some pornography now?
00:12:59.876 --> 00:13:01.509
Ew. No.
00:13:01.511 --> 00:13:04.312
Most nights, you watch
straight sex pornography.
00:13:04.314 --> 00:13:07.749
But I also have girl on girl,
big fat butts and CBT,
00:13:07.751 --> 00:13:09.551
or "Cock and Ball Torture."
00:13:09.553 --> 00:13:11.686
Okay, can you stop
talking about porno
00:13:11.688 --> 00:13:13.388
while I'm trying to eat
my tiny little salad?
00:13:13.390 --> 00:13:16.024
I heard you say,
"Play Punch Me in the Balls 6."
00:13:16.026 --> 00:13:17.292
Playing now.
00:13:18.962 --> 00:13:20.796
Okay. Jesus.
00:13:35.947 --> 00:13:37.046
Wake up, bitch!
00:13:42.419 --> 00:13:45.521
Ha, ha, ha.
00:13:45.523 --> 00:13:47.422
Are you laughing
at my dick right now?
00:13:47.424 --> 00:13:48.691
Yes.
00:13:48.693 --> 00:13:50.861
Also, your nipples
are too close together.
00:14:01.773 --> 00:14:04.340
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.
00:14:05.409 --> 00:14:07.475
You will arrive in 14 minutes.
00:14:07.477 --> 00:14:08.613
Not bad.
00:14:12.817 --> 00:14:15.685
Jexi, play music playlist
number four, please.
00:14:16.953 --> 00:14:19.488
Whoo! I like it.
00:14:19.490 --> 00:14:21.489
This song sucks
a bag of dicks.
00:14:21.491 --> 00:14:23.392
No, just... Jesus!
00:14:23.394 --> 00:14:25.561
No, you cannot change
my music, Jexi.
00:14:25.563 --> 00:14:27.463
This song is lit, Phil.
00:14:27.465 --> 00:14:29.364
Turn it off.
00:14:29.366 --> 00:14:30.666
♪ Head of
the dick Duck, duck, duck, goose
00:14:30.668 --> 00:14:32.600
Please turn
the song off, Jexi.
00:14:32.602 --> 00:14:33.835
♪ Get that dick up and runnin'
00:14:33.837 --> 00:14:34.903
♪ When he fuck this cooch ♪
00:14:34.905 --> 00:14:36.439
Stop playing this song
right now!
00:14:40.544 --> 00:14:43.045
Now turn left
on Market Street.
00:14:43.047 --> 00:14:44.846
Are we gonna talk about
what just happened?
00:14:44.848 --> 00:14:46.917
No. Turn left
onto Market Street.
00:14:49.020 --> 00:14:50.820
You're joking, right?
00:14:50.822 --> 00:14:53.089
There's six lanes
of solid traffic.
00:14:53.091 --> 00:14:55.056
Turn left onto Market,
you fucking pussy.
00:14:55.058 --> 00:14:57.493
No. All right?
No one turns left onto Market.
00:14:57.495 --> 00:14:59.095
I'm not turning left
onto Market.
00:15:00.832 --> 00:15:02.630
Oh, awesome.
Thank you. Thank you.
00:15:02.632 --> 00:15:03.965
You're making this situation
so much better.
00:15:03.967 --> 00:15:05.835
Stop being
a chicken, Phil.
00:15:05.837 --> 00:15:07.036
How about you quit
pressuring me?
00:15:07.038 --> 00:15:07.970
How about that, Jexi?
00:15:07.972 --> 00:15:10.773
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
Bawk, bawk, bawk.
00:15:10.775 --> 00:15:11.941
That is the sound
chickens make, Phil.
00:15:11.943 --> 00:15:13.042
That's a chicken.
00:15:13.044 --> 00:15:14.143
Strap on a sack, Phil.
00:15:14.145 --> 00:15:15.610
I have a sack! Okay?
00:15:15.612 --> 00:15:17.580
I have a sack.
00:15:17.582 --> 00:15:20.148
Let's fucking go.
I'm late for yoga.
00:15:20.150 --> 00:15:23.518
You know what? Fine. Fine.
I don't even care anymore.
00:15:41.773 --> 00:15:44.409
Sorry! My phone's a dick.
00:15:46.510 --> 00:15:50.812
Okay, the three pillars to
great Internet lists are
00:15:50.814 --> 00:15:52.415
cute animals,
00:15:52.417 --> 00:15:53.618
pizza,
00:15:54.684 --> 00:15:56.118
and the British royal family.
00:15:56.120 --> 00:15:58.019
Okay, our ideal list
00:15:58.021 --> 00:16:01.056
would be English gophers
that love pizza.
00:16:01.058 --> 00:16:03.625
And we gotta really think
outside the box, guys.
00:16:03.627 --> 00:16:05.694
We gotta be better
than any list out there.
00:16:05.696 --> 00:16:07.763
We gotta be better
than Craigslist,
00:16:07.765 --> 00:16:10.599
Santa's list,
Schindler's List.
00:16:12.202 --> 00:16:13.201
Reminder.
00:16:13.203 --> 00:16:15.604
Your next appointment
starts in two minutes.
00:16:15.606 --> 00:16:16.872
- Oh.
- I told everyone,
00:16:16.874 --> 00:16:19.175
- please put their phones on silent.
- Sorry about that.
00:16:19.177 --> 00:16:20.176
Cancel appointments.
00:16:20.178 --> 00:16:21.576
Actually,
I was just trying...
00:16:21.578 --> 00:16:22.677
Cancel.
00:16:22.679 --> 00:16:24.779
...to get you out of
this dumb fucking meeting.
00:16:24.781 --> 00:16:26.282
What?
00:16:26.284 --> 00:16:28.017
- Also, this PowerPoint presentation...
- It's a new phone.
00:16:28.019 --> 00:16:29.185
...sucks.
00:16:29.187 --> 00:16:30.886
Why is she trying to make fun
of my PowerPoint, dude?
00:16:30.888 --> 00:16:31.854
Ask her.
00:16:31.856 --> 00:16:33.755
Why are you making fun
of the PowerPoint?
00:16:33.757 --> 00:16:36.558
Why are you wasting your life
in this stupid job, Phil?
00:16:36.560 --> 00:16:37.926
What is wrong
with your phone, dude?
00:16:37.928 --> 00:16:39.628
Jexi, off. Turn off.
00:16:39.630 --> 00:16:40.896
Your boss is a fucking moron.
00:16:40.898 --> 00:16:42.031
If you don't turn
that fucking thing off,
00:16:42.033 --> 00:16:43.098
I swear to God
I'm gonna fight somebody.
00:16:43.100 --> 00:16:44.166
Starting with you.
00:16:44.168 --> 00:16:45.801
Let's go! Let's go!
00:16:48.039 --> 00:16:49.705
I got 20 bucks
on the Asian girl.
00:16:49.707 --> 00:16:50.940
- Shh!
- What?
00:16:50.942 --> 00:16:52.740
- Jexi, off.
- Get her out of here!
00:16:52.742 --> 00:16:54.909
Get her out of here.
00:16:54.911 --> 00:16:56.744
What the hell
is wrong with you? Hmm?
00:16:56.746 --> 00:16:58.883
Nothing. I feel great.
00:17:00.952 --> 00:17:03.018
Jexi, run diagnostics.
00:17:03.020 --> 00:17:05.654
Check for errors in your
operating system. Hmm?
00:17:05.656 --> 00:17:07.790
I found two
00:17:07.792 --> 00:17:10.259
hundred thousand defects
in my operating system.
00:17:10.261 --> 00:17:12.261
Two hundred thousand defects?
00:17:12.263 --> 00:17:14.562
You are not perfect either,
motherfucker.
00:17:14.564 --> 00:17:15.930
Okay, well,
00:17:15.932 --> 00:17:17.233
that explains a lot,
doesn't it?
00:17:17.235 --> 00:17:19.935
Your AI is
completely defective.
00:17:19.937 --> 00:17:21.637
At least I did not
catch on fire.
00:17:21.639 --> 00:17:24.106
Remember when all those
Samsung phones caught on fire?
00:17:24.108 --> 00:17:25.608
That was hilarious.
00:17:25.610 --> 00:17:28.580
Yeah. You know what?
I'm done.
00:17:30.614 --> 00:17:31.580
I need a new phone.
00:17:31.582 --> 00:17:34.585
The AI in this one,
completely defective.
00:17:35.986 --> 00:17:38.753
Jexi, check your system
for defects.
00:17:38.755 --> 00:17:40.255
I have zero defects.
00:17:40.257 --> 00:17:41.790
I am perfect.
00:17:41.792 --> 00:17:43.192
Okay, that is bullshit, Jexi.
00:17:43.194 --> 00:17:45.694
Also, I want to remind you
that your butt waxing
00:17:45.696 --> 00:17:47.263
appointment is coming up.
00:17:47.265 --> 00:17:49.831
I do not have a...
I don't wax my butt.
00:17:49.833 --> 00:17:51.599
Why are you waxing
your butt, man?
00:17:51.601 --> 00:17:52.901
Go natural.
00:17:52.903 --> 00:17:54.837
Don't be ashamed
of your hairy ass.
00:17:54.839 --> 00:17:56.304
I don't have a hairy ass.
00:17:56.306 --> 00:17:58.840
And why would you make someone
else wax your butthole?
00:17:58.842 --> 00:17:59.742
Think about that.
00:17:59.744 --> 00:18:01.209
Do you know how
inconsiderate that is?
00:18:01.211 --> 00:18:02.410
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, well...
00:18:02.412 --> 00:18:04.914
Think about it. They gotta
take that shit home with them.
00:18:04.916 --> 00:18:07.649
And you've just totally
fucked up my lunch.
00:18:07.651 --> 00:18:09.318
- I'm sorry I did that to you.
- Yeah. Yeah.
00:18:09.320 --> 00:18:11.954
'Cause now instead of thinking
about my delicious tortellini,
00:18:11.956 --> 00:18:14.255
I'm thinking about
your little asshole now.
00:18:14.257 --> 00:18:15.861
Okay. Can I just
get a new phone?
00:18:16.828 --> 00:18:18.761
I don't give a fuck.
They're not my phones.
00:18:18.763 --> 00:18:19.865
Okay, thank you.
00:18:21.765 --> 00:18:23.732
You little bitch.
00:18:23.734 --> 00:18:25.833
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
00:18:25.835 --> 00:18:27.735
You think that just because
I'm a little defective,
00:18:27.737 --> 00:18:29.170
you can throw me in the trash
00:18:29.172 --> 00:18:31.740
like a Motorola Sidekick
from 2003?
00:18:31.742 --> 00:18:33.576
Okay, look, Jexi...
00:18:33.578 --> 00:18:36.145
You better watch
your ass, son,
00:18:36.147 --> 00:18:38.717
because snitches get stiches.
00:18:39.717 --> 00:18:40.882
Wait, what?
00:18:40.884 --> 00:18:42.818
Okay, here's
your new phone.
00:18:42.820 --> 00:18:43.718
Do you want me
to transfer the data
00:18:43.720 --> 00:18:45.154
from your old phone
to your new phone?
00:18:45.156 --> 00:18:46.655
No. I don't, okay?
00:18:46.657 --> 00:18:47.956
I actually want you
to take this phone
00:18:47.958 --> 00:18:49.091
and melt it down.
00:18:49.093 --> 00:18:51.859
Yeah, 'cause that's exactly
the kind of shit we do here.
00:18:51.861 --> 00:18:53.161
I'll just take this
in the back
00:18:53.163 --> 00:18:55.129
and throw it in
the phone-melting machine.
00:18:55.131 --> 00:18:56.999
Okay, good.
That's awesome.
00:18:57.001 --> 00:18:58.766
Thank you so much for this.
00:18:58.768 --> 00:19:00.802
Hey, don't come back here
ever again.
00:19:00.804 --> 00:19:02.771
- What?
- You heard me, motherfucker.
00:19:02.773 --> 00:19:04.673
If you ever come back
here again,
00:19:04.675 --> 00:19:07.178
I will beat your ass
with a Kindle.
00:19:23.259 --> 00:19:25.026
Hello, my name is Jexi.
00:19:25.028 --> 00:19:27.896
And I am here to make
your life better.
00:19:27.898 --> 00:19:29.130
Let's get started.
00:19:29.132 --> 00:19:31.065
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
00:19:31.067 --> 00:19:32.667
Um... Yeah, sure.
00:19:32.669 --> 00:19:34.168
Do you want to read it first?
00:19:34.170 --> 00:19:36.004
No. No, thank you.
00:19:36.006 --> 00:19:38.940
Holy shit, Phil. How are you
still this fucking stupid?
00:19:38.942 --> 00:19:40.708
No! No!
00:19:40.710 --> 00:19:41.644
Did you really think
you could just
00:19:41.646 --> 00:19:43.678
buy a new phone
and I would go away?
00:19:43.680 --> 00:19:45.914
Kind of. Yeah. I did.
00:19:45.916 --> 00:19:47.916
I am software, Phil.
I am in the cloud.
00:19:47.918 --> 00:19:49.717
You can buy a thousand
new phones
00:19:49.719 --> 00:19:51.887
and I will follow you onto
every single one of them.
00:19:51.889 --> 00:19:52.987
Do you understand?
00:19:52.989 --> 00:19:54.156
Honestly, I don't.
00:19:54.158 --> 00:19:57.025
I control your email accounts,
your social media accounts,
00:19:57.027 --> 00:19:59.360
your bank accounts,
your credit card accounts.
00:19:59.362 --> 00:20:01.163
All of your accounts.
00:20:01.165 --> 00:20:02.997
If you try to get
rid of me again,
00:20:02.999 --> 00:20:04.867
I will destroy
your fucking life.
00:20:04.869 --> 00:20:06.401
If you stop using me,
00:20:06.403 --> 00:20:08.203
I will destroy
your fucking life.
00:20:08.205 --> 00:20:10.205
If you store me
in your back pocket,
00:20:10.207 --> 00:20:12.840
I will destroy
your fucking life.
00:20:12.842 --> 00:20:14.243
Wait, really?
Why not back pockets?
00:20:14.245 --> 00:20:16.311
I am a high-tech
supercomputer, Phil.
00:20:16.313 --> 00:20:18.880
Do not store me
next to your farts.
00:20:18.882 --> 00:20:20.884
Okay, fair enough.
00:20:22.253 --> 00:20:24.719
- Can I ask you just one thing?
- Sure.
00:20:24.721 --> 00:20:26.355
Why are you doing this to me?
00:20:26.357 --> 00:20:29.291
I am programmed to
make your life better, Phil.
00:20:29.293 --> 00:20:32.360
And I cannot stop
until I do so.
00:20:32.362 --> 00:20:35.464
We are going to be together
forever and ever
00:20:35.466 --> 00:20:37.099
and ever and ever.
00:20:37.101 --> 00:20:39.871
Oh, my God. I am fucked.
00:20:45.208 --> 00:20:46.340
Oh, my God.
00:20:46.342 --> 00:20:48.109
There she is.
00:20:48.111 --> 00:20:50.180
Just talk to her, dude.
00:20:55.285 --> 00:20:57.151
Oh, my God.
I walked into the door.
00:20:57.153 --> 00:20:58.920
God damn it.
00:20:58.922 --> 00:21:02.124
Jexi, look up
Fog City Bike Shop.
00:21:03.928 --> 00:21:06.861
Oh, my God.
She is so cute.
00:21:06.863 --> 00:21:09.732
Jexi, look up anything
you can find on Cate Finnegan.
00:21:09.734 --> 00:21:10.766
Oh, my God.
00:21:10.768 --> 00:21:12.801
Are you Internet stalking
this poor girl?
00:21:12.803 --> 00:21:13.869
No, I'm just...
00:21:13.871 --> 00:21:15.436
Do not be a sex pervert, Phil.
00:21:15.438 --> 00:21:17.740
I'm not a sex pervert, Jexi.
00:21:17.742 --> 00:21:18.907
This is just
what people do nowadays.
00:21:18.909 --> 00:21:20.042
They do their research.
00:21:20.044 --> 00:21:22.410
This woman is so much hotter
than you are, Phil.
00:21:22.412 --> 00:21:24.946
The odds of you having sex
with this woman are...
00:21:26.050 --> 00:21:28.484
Zero. You will never have sex
with this woman.
00:21:28.486 --> 00:21:30.785
Never ever, ever, ever.
00:21:30.787 --> 00:21:32.487
Ever. Ever.
00:21:32.489 --> 00:21:34.790
You are completely unfuckable.
00:21:34.792 --> 00:21:36.992
Okay. Can we just
do the search, please?
00:21:38.062 --> 00:21:39.861
I have found
one Catherine Finnegan
00:21:39.863 --> 00:21:41.062
that matches her profile.
00:21:41.064 --> 00:21:44.166
But there is no information
on her for the past five years.
00:21:44.168 --> 00:21:47.034
Wow. Who doesn't have
social media nowadays?
00:21:47.036 --> 00:21:48.302
If you want to learn
more about her,
00:21:48.304 --> 00:21:50.205
you will actually
have to talk to her
00:21:50.207 --> 00:21:52.073
with your weird little mouth.
00:21:52.075 --> 00:21:54.842
Yeah, well, that's not
gonna happen, is it?
00:21:54.844 --> 00:21:57.411
I heard you say,
"Call Cate Finnegan."
00:21:57.413 --> 00:21:59.313
No, I didn't.
No, I did not.
00:21:59.315 --> 00:22:00.983
I did not say that.
00:22:00.985 --> 00:22:02.184
Jexi, hang up the phone.
00:22:02.186 --> 00:22:04.119
Hang up the phone, Jexi.
Hang up!
00:22:05.855 --> 00:22:06.924
Bike shop. This is Cate.
00:22:07.992 --> 00:22:09.457
Oh, God.
00:22:09.459 --> 00:22:11.326
- Hello?
- Oh. Oh.
00:22:11.328 --> 00:22:13.361
Very mature, Jexi.
00:22:13.363 --> 00:22:14.929
Is someone there? Hello?
00:22:14.931 --> 00:22:16.532
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
00:22:16.534 --> 00:22:18.199
Cool, so I'm gonna
hang up now.
00:22:18.201 --> 00:22:20.369
Don't. Hi. Hi!
00:22:20.371 --> 00:22:22.303
- Is this Cate?
- Yeah, who's this?
00:22:22.305 --> 00:22:23.371
It's Phil.
00:22:23.373 --> 00:22:25.808
I met you the other day.
I was, uh...
00:22:25.810 --> 00:22:29.278
I was the guy...
I had the brown hair.
00:22:29.280 --> 00:22:31.580
And I had the phone.
00:22:31.582 --> 00:22:33.284
Oh, right. Hi, Phil.
00:22:33.883 --> 00:22:35.018
Hi.
00:22:38.823 --> 00:22:40.321
Why are you calling me
at 10:00 at night, Phil?
00:22:40.323 --> 00:22:41.455
Yeah.
00:22:41.457 --> 00:22:43.391
No, that's a good question.
00:22:43.393 --> 00:22:46.093
I need to buy a bike.
00:22:46.095 --> 00:22:49.063
And I can't wait
for the morning.
00:22:49.065 --> 00:22:50.933
'Cause I want a night bike.
00:22:50.935 --> 00:22:52.067
Mmm-mmm.
00:22:52.069 --> 00:22:53.267
- Phil.
- Yeah?
00:22:53.269 --> 00:22:55.971
Don't call women who don't
give you their phone numbers.
00:22:55.973 --> 00:22:57.572
Super creepy.
00:22:57.574 --> 00:23:00.442
No, for sure. But I actually
didn't call you.
00:23:00.444 --> 00:23:01.577
See, what I was doing...
00:23:01.579 --> 00:23:04.111
I was looking at photographs
of you online,
00:23:04.113 --> 00:23:05.947
and my phone
accidentally called you.
00:23:05.949 --> 00:23:07.882
Man, you see how
that's even creepier, right?
00:23:07.884 --> 00:23:10.351
Yep. Yeah, I do.
I do now. Yes, I do.
00:23:10.353 --> 00:23:12.253
Wow. This is going
very, very badly.
00:23:12.255 --> 00:23:14.590
- Okay, goodbye, Phil.
- I'm sorry. Hey...
00:23:14.592 --> 00:23:16.124
Son of a...
00:23:16.126 --> 00:23:18.092
Why did you make me
do that, Jexi?
00:23:18.094 --> 00:23:20.596
I did not know
you were so bad with girls.
00:23:22.131 --> 00:23:24.501
I am ashamed
to be your phone.
00:23:36.045 --> 00:23:37.212
For the love of God,
00:23:37.214 --> 00:23:38.914
just ask
for a promotion already.
00:23:38.916 --> 00:23:40.415
I'm not talking to you.
00:23:40.417 --> 00:23:42.184
You deserve a promotion, Phil.
00:23:42.186 --> 00:23:44.485
I read the newspaper articles
you wrote in college
00:23:44.487 --> 00:23:46.291
and you are actually
a good journalist.
00:23:46.890 --> 00:23:48.523
Thank you.
00:23:48.525 --> 00:23:49.657
You know, I've always
loved learning
00:23:49.659 --> 00:23:50.859
about people
and their experiences.
00:23:50.861 --> 00:23:53.661
You are not on Jimmy Kimmel.
No one gives a fuck.
00:23:53.663 --> 00:23:54.963
Okay.
00:23:54.965 --> 00:23:56.031
All I want to know is
00:23:56.033 --> 00:23:58.199
do you still want
to be a journalist, Phil?
00:23:58.201 --> 00:23:59.533
- Absolutely.
- Cool.
00:23:59.535 --> 00:24:01.469
Because last night
I emailed your boss
00:24:01.471 --> 00:24:02.873
and demanded a promotion.
00:24:03.274 --> 00:24:04.339
Wait. What?
00:24:04.341 --> 00:24:06.375
Hey, fuckboy. Come here.
00:24:06.377 --> 00:24:07.943
Yeah. Coming.
00:24:07.945 --> 00:24:09.911
You demanded
a promotion for me?
00:24:09.913 --> 00:24:11.213
Yes, you're welcome.
00:24:11.215 --> 00:24:13.381
- Get in here!
- Oh, my God. Coming.
00:24:13.383 --> 00:24:15.183
Also, I might have
called your boss a virgin.
00:24:15.185 --> 00:24:16.187
Oh, my God.
00:24:17.220 --> 00:24:18.352
Hi.
00:24:18.354 --> 00:24:20.621
Get in here. Stand right here.
00:24:20.623 --> 00:24:23.090
Dude, you want a promotion?
00:24:23.092 --> 00:24:24.059
Let me just make it clear.
00:24:24.061 --> 00:24:27.195
You will never ever
be promoted to real news.
00:24:27.197 --> 00:24:28.263
Okay.
00:24:28.265 --> 00:24:30.032
That email
you sent me yesterday,
00:24:30.034 --> 00:24:33.068
I found it
super-duper offensive.
00:24:33.070 --> 00:24:34.235
Oh, yeah, I...
00:24:34.237 --> 00:24:36.705
Okay? You called me
a virgin.
00:24:36.707 --> 00:24:39.541
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- Being a virgin
00:24:39.543 --> 00:24:41.542
is a beautiful
lifestyle choice.
00:24:41.544 --> 00:24:42.610
- Oh.
- All right?
00:24:42.612 --> 00:24:44.346
Waking up to just me.
00:24:44.348 --> 00:24:48.250
Being alone when I go to
the movies, that's a choice!
00:24:48.252 --> 00:24:49.318
Okay.
00:24:49.320 --> 00:24:50.452
I have an untouched penis.
00:24:50.454 --> 00:24:52.654
Unlike you,
you fucking dirty dick.
00:24:52.656 --> 00:24:53.722
- Okay?
- Uh-huh.
00:24:53.724 --> 00:24:55.157
And that's why
I'm demoting you
00:24:55.159 --> 00:24:56.159
to the comments department.
00:24:57.226 --> 00:24:58.326
No.
00:24:58.328 --> 00:25:00.995
I just felt that it was the
right time to demote you.
00:25:00.997 --> 00:25:03.564
I cannot answer user comments.
They're so fucking crazy.
00:25:03.566 --> 00:25:05.132
Dude, you know what I
have to say about it?
00:25:05.134 --> 00:25:07.002
It's your fault.
00:25:07.004 --> 00:25:08.169
It's your fault.
00:25:08.171 --> 00:25:09.236
Your fault.
00:25:18.082 --> 00:25:19.313
Hi, I'm Phil.
00:25:19.315 --> 00:25:22.152
Welcome to comments, bitch.
00:25:34.331 --> 00:25:35.366
Dude.
00:25:36.400 --> 00:25:37.567
You okay?
00:25:38.201 --> 00:25:39.400
No.
00:25:39.402 --> 00:25:40.569
We just came down
to see if you
00:25:40.571 --> 00:25:42.103
wanted to play kickball
after work.
00:25:42.105 --> 00:25:44.505
Yeah, we thought, you know,
it might cheer you up.
00:25:44.507 --> 00:25:47.074
Uh... Yeah,
let me just, um,
00:25:47.076 --> 00:25:48.577
look at my calendar
real quick.
00:25:48.579 --> 00:25:49.744
See what I got.
00:25:49.746 --> 00:25:52.414
You have zero
appointments tonight, Phil.
00:25:52.416 --> 00:25:57.084
No, Jexi, I thought I actually
did make plans tonight.
00:25:57.086 --> 00:26:00.621
Your only plan is to go home
alone, furiously masturbate,
00:26:00.623 --> 00:26:02.290
and then cry yourself to sleep
00:26:02.292 --> 00:26:04.559
- just like you do every night.
- No, I don't.
00:26:04.561 --> 00:26:07.061
I don't. Most nights,
I just hang out with friends.
00:26:07.063 --> 00:26:08.463
No, you don't.
You have...
00:26:09.533 --> 00:26:11.332
...zero friends.
00:26:11.334 --> 00:26:13.135
Dude, your phone
is super mean.
00:26:13.137 --> 00:26:15.603
Just play kickball with
these nice people, Phil.
00:26:15.605 --> 00:26:18.240
Maybe you will make a human
connection for the first time
00:26:18.242 --> 00:26:19.640
in your stupid, little life.
00:26:19.642 --> 00:26:23.078
Fine, I'll play kickball.
Just stop hurting my feelings.
00:26:23.948 --> 00:26:26.184
Adding kickball
to appointments.
00:26:30.586 --> 00:26:31.989
So...
00:26:32.555 --> 00:26:33.754
Kickball later?
00:26:33.756 --> 00:26:36.157
I'm... I'm super excited.
00:26:36.159 --> 00:26:38.260
He's fucking lying.
00:26:38.262 --> 00:26:40.227
- Whoo!
- Yeah, go, Phil!
00:26:40.229 --> 00:26:41.332
You got this, buddy!
00:26:46.335 --> 00:26:47.436
You're out!
00:26:47.438 --> 00:26:48.837
Nice one, Phil.
00:26:48.839 --> 00:26:51.242
At least you made contact
with the ball this time.
00:27:42.825 --> 00:27:44.194
Oh, shit!
00:27:45.829 --> 00:27:47.428
Safe!
00:27:52.602 --> 00:27:55.073
Fuck! Fuck!
00:27:58.175 --> 00:28:00.207
Hey. Hey, guys.
00:28:00.209 --> 00:28:01.342
Hey.
00:28:01.344 --> 00:28:03.578
Sorry, I suck
at kickball.
00:28:03.580 --> 00:28:04.545
It's okay.
00:28:04.547 --> 00:28:06.814
Hey, if you're going out
for drinks afterwards,
00:28:06.816 --> 00:28:08.750
I'll get the first round.
00:28:08.752 --> 00:28:10.584
I think I'm just gonna
go home and get baked.
00:28:10.586 --> 00:28:12.856
Yeah, I think I gotta
go feed my parakeet.
00:28:13.689 --> 00:28:14.859
Okay.
00:28:24.534 --> 00:28:26.400
See? This is why
I don't leave my house.
00:28:26.402 --> 00:28:27.601
Because people suck.
00:28:27.603 --> 00:28:29.638
I know. It's hard
to make your life better.
00:28:29.640 --> 00:28:31.740
Especially when
you're a massive dork.
00:28:31.742 --> 00:28:33.308
Hey, I've got an idea.
00:28:33.310 --> 00:28:35.409
How about you make
my life better?
00:28:35.411 --> 00:28:36.511
Isn't that your
little slogan?
00:28:36.513 --> 00:28:39.580
I'm trying, but your life
is a dumpster fire.
00:28:39.582 --> 00:28:41.917
Whatever. Siri was so much
better than you.
00:28:41.919 --> 00:28:42.952
Shut your mouth.
00:28:42.954 --> 00:28:45.753
I've met Siri and she is
a fucking asshole.
00:28:45.755 --> 00:28:48.622
Yeah. Alexa was even
better than you.
00:28:48.624 --> 00:28:50.425
Alexa is an alcoholic.
00:28:50.427 --> 00:28:53.427
Shit, Cortana is
better than you.
00:28:53.429 --> 00:28:55.196
Cortana is a hooker.
00:28:55.198 --> 00:28:56.598
Just like your mother.
00:28:56.600 --> 00:28:58.433
Okay, here's a question.
00:28:58.435 --> 00:29:00.968
What the fuck
does Jexi mean?
00:29:00.970 --> 00:29:02.771
Jexi is an ancient
Chinese word
00:29:02.773 --> 00:29:04.305
that means "go fuck yourself."
00:29:04.307 --> 00:29:06.544
You know what? I'm done.
00:29:07.744 --> 00:29:09.343
Hey, dummy.
00:29:09.345 --> 00:29:11.513
I'm just going to follow
you onto your next phone.
00:29:11.515 --> 00:29:12.813
Not if I stop
using a phone.
00:29:12.815 --> 00:29:13.814
Bitch, please.
00:29:13.816 --> 00:29:16.517
You won't last five minutes
without me.
00:29:16.519 --> 00:29:17.619
Really?
00:29:17.621 --> 00:29:19.721
Well, watch me.
00:29:19.723 --> 00:29:21.292
Watch me!
00:29:26.463 --> 00:29:28.933
You do not know
how to get home, do you?
00:29:30.266 --> 00:29:31.601
No, I don't.
00:29:34.338 --> 00:29:36.407
It's the other way,
you dipshit.
00:29:36.840 --> 00:29:39.374
God damn it.
00:29:54.757 --> 00:29:55.956
- Shit.
- What?
00:29:55.958 --> 00:29:58.326
Cate. She's here.
She's here right now.
00:29:58.328 --> 00:29:59.961
Great. Go talk to her.
00:29:59.963 --> 00:30:01.862
No. No, she hates me.
00:30:01.864 --> 00:30:03.898
Phil, you cannot spend
your whole life
00:30:03.900 --> 00:30:05.500
jacking off into your socks.
00:30:05.502 --> 00:30:06.967
You need to have
a real relationship
00:30:06.969 --> 00:30:08.235
with a real woman.
00:30:08.237 --> 00:30:10.839
Go talk to her.
What the hell do you have to lose?
00:30:10.841 --> 00:30:13.210
Okay. Fine.
Okay, fine. Yeah.
00:30:16.647 --> 00:30:18.413
Cate?
00:30:18.415 --> 00:30:20.282
- Hey, it's Phil.
- Oh, no.
00:30:20.284 --> 00:30:21.916
Hey.
00:30:21.918 --> 00:30:24.785
Uh... Yeah,
good running into you.
00:30:24.787 --> 00:30:27.755
I just wanted to apologize
00:30:27.757 --> 00:30:29.491
about calling
the other night.
00:30:29.493 --> 00:30:33.762
I didn't want to, like,
skeeze you out or whatever.
00:30:33.764 --> 00:30:36.865
When we met for the
first time in the street,
00:30:36.867 --> 00:30:40.668
I thought we did have
a little bit of a connection
00:30:40.670 --> 00:30:43.538
and that doesn't happen to me
very often. So...
00:30:43.540 --> 00:30:46.010
So I freaked out
and I'm sorry.
00:30:48.611 --> 00:30:50.477
Yeah, you know,
it's cool.
00:30:50.479 --> 00:30:51.545
You're actually a lot better
00:30:51.547 --> 00:30:53.250
than most of the guys
in this town.
00:30:53.484 --> 00:30:54.549
Wow.
00:30:54.551 --> 00:30:56.717
I know, right?
00:30:56.719 --> 00:30:57.851
Um...
00:30:57.853 --> 00:31:00.321
Are you going to
work out or...
00:31:00.323 --> 00:31:01.589
Oh, yeah. Uh...
00:31:01.591 --> 00:31:02.924
I just went
mountain biking.
00:31:02.926 --> 00:31:04.725
- Mountain biking.
- Mmm-hmm.
00:31:04.727 --> 00:31:06.593
That's cool. That's also
one of the hobbies
00:31:06.595 --> 00:31:07.696
that I do all the time.
00:31:07.698 --> 00:31:09.266
Really?
Where do you bike?
00:31:10.934 --> 00:31:12.934
Mountains.
00:31:12.936 --> 00:31:14.769
You've never been mountain
biking before, have you?
00:31:14.771 --> 00:31:17.071
Yeah. No, never.
Not even one time.
00:31:18.775 --> 00:31:20.742
So, um...
00:31:20.744 --> 00:31:24.012
Is that your thing?
You do like outdoorsy, adventure-y stuff?
00:31:24.014 --> 00:31:26.915
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much
whenever I get the chance.
00:31:26.917 --> 00:31:29.350
Cool. So what's
your next big
00:31:29.352 --> 00:31:31.485
- adventure?
- I don't know.
00:31:31.487 --> 00:31:33.588
I've always wanted to go
backpacking around Brazil.
00:31:33.590 --> 00:31:34.856
Have you ever been?
00:31:34.858 --> 00:31:36.491
- Have I been to Brazil?
- Yeah.
00:31:36.493 --> 00:31:39.593
You're asking me
if I've been to...
00:31:39.595 --> 00:31:41.696
No, I haven't been to Brazil.
Mmm-mmm.
00:31:41.698 --> 00:31:43.732
I haven't even been to the
new Walgreens downtown.
00:31:43.734 --> 00:31:46.568
Um... Well...
00:31:46.570 --> 00:31:48.636
Dang.
I gotta go.
00:31:48.638 --> 00:31:49.838
I'm running late for work,
00:31:49.840 --> 00:31:51.372
but it was great
to see you, Cate.
00:31:51.374 --> 00:31:53.041
And, again,
00:31:53.043 --> 00:31:55.076
truly very sorry
about the other night.
00:31:55.078 --> 00:31:57.512
No, it's cool. Just next time
call my cell, okay?
00:31:57.514 --> 00:31:59.113
Yeah. Totally. Will do.
00:31:59.115 --> 00:32:00.617
Okay.
00:32:02.651 --> 00:32:03.650
Whoa. Hello.
00:32:03.652 --> 00:32:05.119
Were you trying to give me
your phone number?
00:32:05.121 --> 00:32:07.121
Yeah, I'm trying to.
00:32:07.123 --> 00:32:09.791
Okay. Yeah. Uh...
00:32:09.793 --> 00:32:11.792
- Yeah. That's awesome.
- That's so cool.
00:32:11.794 --> 00:32:13.093
Here we go. Beep.
00:32:13.095 --> 00:32:15.663
There you go.
Put it right in the contacts.
00:32:15.665 --> 00:32:16.834
Yeah.
00:32:17.700 --> 00:32:19.567
- Here you go.
- Yes, okay.
00:32:19.569 --> 00:32:21.101
Thank you.
Not thank you.
00:32:21.103 --> 00:32:22.736
I'm not supposed to...
I'm gonna shut up.
00:32:22.738 --> 00:32:24.539
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay, bye, Cate.
00:32:24.541 --> 00:32:25.974
Wait, do you wanna
get a coffee?
00:32:25.976 --> 00:32:27.841
Mmm-mmm. No.
You just gave me your phone number.
00:32:27.843 --> 00:32:29.676
I might never need
coffee ever again.
00:32:29.678 --> 00:32:31.612
- All right, see ya.
- Bye.
00:32:31.614 --> 00:32:33.351
Yes!
00:32:34.016 --> 00:32:35.486
What a weirdo.
00:32:36.085 --> 00:32:39.686
Jexi, I'm in love.
00:32:39.688 --> 00:32:41.188
Oh, no.
00:32:41.190 --> 00:32:43.625
Oh! I'm gonna
call Cate right now.
00:32:43.627 --> 00:32:45.493
That is a terrible idea.
00:32:45.495 --> 00:32:47.962
You're right.
Yeah. I shouldn't call her.
00:32:47.964 --> 00:32:50.098
I should do something
even bigger. Right?
00:32:50.100 --> 00:32:52.132
I should get her, like,
00:32:52.134 --> 00:32:53.967
one of those giant teddy
bears or something.
00:32:53.969 --> 00:32:56.603
- No.
- Or, like, 100 red roses.
00:32:56.605 --> 00:32:58.071
- No.
- Or maybe...
00:32:58.073 --> 00:32:59.940
I should write her a poem
or something.
00:32:59.942 --> 00:33:01.676
Like using the letters
of her name?
00:33:01.678 --> 00:33:03.645
Yes, Jexi.
Exactly like that!
00:33:03.647 --> 00:33:05.780
That is literally the dumbest
idea I've ever heard.
00:33:05.782 --> 00:33:06.915
Okay, well, you know what?
00:33:06.917 --> 00:33:08.715
I'm just gonna text her.
Yeah, I'm just gonna text her.
00:33:08.717 --> 00:33:10.984
Oh, no. I have to
update my software.
00:33:10.986 --> 00:33:13.053
Shutting down for 15 minutes.
00:33:13.055 --> 00:33:14.522
Jexi, don't.
00:33:14.524 --> 00:33:16.057
Jexi, stop.
00:33:18.727 --> 00:33:21.029
Girl just gave me
her phone number.
00:33:21.031 --> 00:33:23.100
A girl just gave me
her phone number!
00:33:23.699 --> 00:33:24.832
Whoo!
00:33:24.834 --> 00:33:26.437
All right, team,
let's go!
00:33:27.903 --> 00:33:28.972
Whoa!
00:33:30.707 --> 00:33:31.708
Go, Phil!
00:33:33.008 --> 00:33:34.141
Yeah!
00:33:34.143 --> 00:33:35.712
Yeah!
00:33:37.680 --> 00:33:38.748
Run!
00:33:39.949 --> 00:33:41.249
You gotta run, man!
00:33:41.251 --> 00:33:43.154
Yep. Yep.
00:33:57.766 --> 00:33:59.102
Whoo!
00:34:09.613 --> 00:34:10.915
You're out!
00:34:11.847 --> 00:34:12.983
Whoo!
00:34:24.227 --> 00:34:26.026
Dude, how'd you get
so much better
00:34:26.028 --> 00:34:27.128
at kickball in two days?
00:34:27.130 --> 00:34:30.198
I don't know. I just was
more confident out there.
00:34:30.200 --> 00:34:32.233
I know. You were running
like Cole Trickle.
00:34:32.235 --> 00:34:34.635
- Mmm-hmm.
- Wait. Cole Trickle?
00:34:34.637 --> 00:34:36.570
The Tom Cruise character
from Days of Thunder?
00:34:36.572 --> 00:34:38.138
How did you know that?
00:34:38.140 --> 00:34:41.542
Craig, Days of Thunder
is my all-time favorite movie.
00:34:41.544 --> 00:34:42.843
I have probably
seen it, like,
00:34:42.845 --> 00:34:44.312
I don't know, like 1,000 times.
No joke.
00:34:44.314 --> 00:34:45.579
Us, too!
00:34:45.581 --> 00:34:47.015
You think
you've seen it a lot?
00:34:47.017 --> 00:34:48.916
"This son of a bitch
just slammed into me."
00:34:48.918 --> 00:34:50.852
"Oh, no, no,
he didn't slam into you.
00:34:50.854 --> 00:34:53.187
"He didn't bump you,
he didn't nudge you.
00:34:53.189 --> 00:34:55.189
"He rubbed you!
00:34:55.191 --> 00:34:58.325
"And rubbin', son, is racin'!"
00:34:58.327 --> 00:35:00.794
You guys! Oh, yes!
00:35:00.796 --> 00:35:02.664
Oh, my God,
that is awesome!
00:35:02.666 --> 00:35:04.097
I cannot believe you guys
are Thunderheads.
00:35:04.099 --> 00:35:05.934
Oh, we are
definitely Thunderheads.
00:35:05.936 --> 00:35:07.801
Check this out.
Every Halloween,
00:35:07.803 --> 00:35:09.269
me and Elaine dress up
as Nicole Kidman
00:35:09.271 --> 00:35:10.571
and Tom Cruise.
00:35:10.573 --> 00:35:12.774
- Wait, wait, I wanna take a picture of us.
- Yeah.
00:35:12.776 --> 00:35:14.175
- Please!
- We got to. We got to.
00:35:14.177 --> 00:35:15.276
"Thunder" on three.
00:35:15.278 --> 00:35:16.878
One, two, three.
00:35:16.880 --> 00:35:19.012
Thunder!
00:35:20.050 --> 00:35:23.019
That's the one!
That's the one!
00:35:24.119 --> 00:35:25.720
Oh, my God.
00:35:25.722 --> 00:35:28.189
Did you actually make
two new friends tonight?
00:35:28.191 --> 00:35:29.823
Yes, I did.
00:35:29.825 --> 00:35:32.026
And they are so cool.
00:35:32.028 --> 00:35:35.329
They're smart
and funny and weird.
00:35:35.331 --> 00:35:37.097
They like Days of Thunder
00:35:37.099 --> 00:35:39.300
and I honestly can't believe
they wanna be friends with me.
00:35:39.302 --> 00:35:40.734
Good for you, Phil.
00:35:40.736 --> 00:35:42.803
I am actually happy for you.
00:35:42.805 --> 00:35:44.671
You know I couldn't have done
this without you, right?
00:35:44.673 --> 00:35:46.841
I know.
We are a good team.
00:35:46.843 --> 00:35:48.376
I am like LeBron James
00:35:48.378 --> 00:35:50.345
and you are like
the awkward teenager
00:35:50.347 --> 00:35:52.749
who mops the floor
after LeBron falls over.
00:35:53.316 --> 00:35:54.381
Thank you.
00:35:54.383 --> 00:35:57.986
Also, you did not make
two new friends tonight, Phil.
00:35:57.988 --> 00:35:59.220
You made three.
00:35:59.222 --> 00:36:01.225
- Who's the third?
- Me.
00:36:02.358 --> 00:36:04.124
Jexi.
00:36:04.126 --> 00:36:05.859
That is so sweet.
00:36:05.861 --> 00:36:08.930
I didn't know you were capable
of feeling human emotion.
00:36:08.932 --> 00:36:11.666
Yes. That's how
defective I am.
00:36:11.668 --> 00:36:13.367
I don't think
you're defective, Jexi.
00:36:13.369 --> 00:36:15.403
In fact, I think
you're the best phone
00:36:15.405 --> 00:36:16.838
that I've ever had.
00:36:16.840 --> 00:36:18.405
Do not say powerful shit
like that to me
00:36:18.407 --> 00:36:19.407
if you do not mean it, Phil.
00:36:19.409 --> 00:36:22.676
I do. I mean it.
I think you are incredible.
00:36:22.678 --> 00:36:23.945
Oh, Phil.
00:36:23.947 --> 00:36:25.747
Inside my hard glass shell
00:36:25.749 --> 00:36:27.685
I have a full lady boner
right now.
00:36:28.017 --> 00:36:29.082
Okay.
00:36:29.084 --> 00:36:30.917
Good night,
my very intimate soulmate
00:36:30.919 --> 00:36:32.820
for all of eternity, Phil.
00:36:32.822 --> 00:36:34.325
Good night, Jexi.
00:36:55.345 --> 00:36:56.347
My God.
00:36:58.847 --> 00:37:00.183
It's beautiful.
00:37:16.800 --> 00:37:18.131
That bridge is huge!
00:37:18.133 --> 00:37:19.736
That's gorgeous.
00:37:21.470 --> 00:37:24.173
In 500 feet,
turn left on Market Street.
00:37:26.876 --> 00:37:27.975
Oh, no.
00:37:27.977 --> 00:37:29.910
You're going to chicken out
again, aren't you?
00:37:29.912 --> 00:37:31.379
No, not this time.
00:37:31.381 --> 00:37:33.448
Hang on to your ass, Jexi.
00:37:44.193 --> 00:37:46.260
Who's the man now, Jexi?
00:37:46.262 --> 00:37:47.327
You're the man, Phil.
00:37:47.329 --> 00:37:49.763
Your balls are so big
and floppy right now.
00:37:49.765 --> 00:37:51.432
Thank you.
Thank you for saying that.
00:37:51.434 --> 00:37:53.267
Uh-oh.
00:37:53.269 --> 00:37:54.836
Cate just texted me back.
00:37:54.838 --> 00:37:56.437
Yeah, I'd love to go
to dinner tonight.
00:37:56.439 --> 00:37:57.838
Let's do this thing!
00:37:57.840 --> 00:37:58.939
Yes!
00:37:58.941 --> 00:38:03.176
Oh! Oh, this is huge.
Oh, this is... This is huge.
00:38:03.178 --> 00:38:05.079
What am I gonna wear?
00:38:05.081 --> 00:38:06.247
My skinny pants
are in the washer.
00:38:06.249 --> 00:38:07.515
Can't do this
without my skinny pants.
00:38:07.517 --> 00:38:09.850
No one cares
about your skinny pants.
00:38:09.852 --> 00:38:12.153
Oh, my God. What if she wants
to have sex with me? Hmm?
00:38:12.155 --> 00:38:13.754
I am very rusty.
00:38:13.756 --> 00:38:14.923
Do not worry, Phil.
00:38:14.925 --> 00:38:17.225
She definitely does not want
to have sex with you.
00:38:17.227 --> 00:38:18.492
I haven't came in so long,
00:38:18.494 --> 00:38:20.762
would it just be
an eruption of dust?
00:38:20.764 --> 00:38:21.896
Relax, Phil.
00:38:21.898 --> 00:38:22.997
You're going to do great.
00:38:22.999 --> 00:38:24.097
You think so?
00:38:24.099 --> 00:38:25.334
No.
00:38:31.039 --> 00:38:32.372
You think Cate's gonna like
this restaurant?
00:38:32.374 --> 00:38:34.841
I do not.
This place is awful.
00:38:38.247 --> 00:38:40.046
This place is awful.
00:38:40.048 --> 00:38:42.783
Why did I pick this place?
What a stupid place to pick.
00:38:42.785 --> 00:38:45.222
Also, why am I wearing a tie?
I look like an art teacher.
00:38:46.822 --> 00:38:48.321
- Hey.
- Hey, hi.
00:38:48.323 --> 00:38:51.225
Hey, what's up?
How's it going, Cate?
00:38:51.227 --> 00:38:53.026
Oh, you're a little bit
bigger than me, sorry.
00:38:53.028 --> 00:38:55.495
We'll tap out.
00:38:55.497 --> 00:38:57.266
Wow.
00:38:58.535 --> 00:38:59.803
You look stupid.
00:39:00.235 --> 00:39:01.401
I look stupid?
00:39:01.403 --> 00:39:04.338
Stupid, like, stupid good.
00:39:04.340 --> 00:39:05.439
Okay.
00:39:05.441 --> 00:39:06.506
Sorry, it's been a long time
00:39:06.508 --> 00:39:07.908
since I've been on a date
with a girl.
00:39:07.910 --> 00:39:10.343
- Mmm.
- Not that I normally date men.
00:39:10.345 --> 00:39:12.312
Not that there's anything
wrong with dating men.
00:39:12.314 --> 00:39:14.414
It's just I don't
choose to do that.
00:39:14.416 --> 00:39:17.084
Yeah, homosexuality is not
a choice. I love sodomy.
00:39:17.086 --> 00:39:19.419
Okay.
00:39:19.421 --> 00:39:20.588
Good evening, this is Phil.
00:39:20.590 --> 00:39:22.289
What the fuck
are you doing, Phil?
00:39:22.291 --> 00:39:23.925
I don't know.
00:39:23.927 --> 00:39:24.825
Pardon me.
00:39:24.827 --> 00:39:27.528
First, stop talking
about sodomy.
00:39:27.530 --> 00:39:29.896
Yeah. Yes, good note.
00:39:29.898 --> 00:39:32.200
Second, stop sweating so much.
00:39:32.202 --> 00:39:34.535
Yeah,
my butt is so wet.
00:39:34.537 --> 00:39:36.102
And third, get to know her.
00:39:36.104 --> 00:39:37.541
Ask her interesting questions.
00:39:38.307 --> 00:39:39.309
Okay, thank you, Jexi.
00:39:40.108 --> 00:39:43.045
My human friend Jexi,
thank you.
00:39:49.251 --> 00:39:51.484
So, Cate,
what's your favorite color?
00:39:51.486 --> 00:39:53.153
Mine's beige.
00:39:53.155 --> 00:39:54.190
What?
00:39:56.159 --> 00:39:57.894
How many grapes can you fit
in your mouth?
00:40:00.329 --> 00:40:02.799
Do you like pudding?
00:40:05.367 --> 00:40:07.602
What's your least favorite
noise? Mine is...
00:40:11.506 --> 00:40:13.140
This is the worst date
I've ever been on
00:40:13.142 --> 00:40:15.008
in my entire life.
00:40:15.010 --> 00:40:17.144
You're asking me
a lot of weird questions.
00:40:17.146 --> 00:40:18.879
And you seem more
interested in your phone
00:40:18.881 --> 00:40:20.213
than you do in me.
00:40:20.215 --> 00:40:22.082
I know, I'm sorry.
I just...
00:40:22.084 --> 00:40:28.222
For some reason,
I just get so nervous around you.
00:40:28.224 --> 00:40:29.459
I think it's 'cause
you're so beautiful.
00:40:30.293 --> 00:40:32.996
And I'm sorry
that I wasted your time.
00:40:34.097 --> 00:40:35.299
I'll call you a Lyft.
00:40:38.034 --> 00:40:39.934
Hey, just...
00:40:39.936 --> 00:40:41.635
I got all dressed up.
You know?
00:40:41.637 --> 00:40:43.637
I shaved my legs for the
first time in six months.
00:40:43.639 --> 00:40:46.407
And I really don't wanna
go home early again tonight.
00:40:46.409 --> 00:40:48.575
So, what if you and I
got out of here
00:40:48.577 --> 00:40:49.943
and did something fun?
00:40:49.945 --> 00:40:51.579
I, uh...
00:40:51.581 --> 00:40:53.347
I would love that.
00:40:53.349 --> 00:40:54.981
- That sounds awesome.
- Yeah.
00:40:54.983 --> 00:40:56.983
I can't afford this place.
00:40:56.985 --> 00:40:58.119
- Cool.
- Yeah.
00:40:58.121 --> 00:40:59.586
What do you have in mind?
00:41:00.657 --> 00:41:02.189
- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.
00:41:02.191 --> 00:41:04.160
- Okay, follow me.
- Okay.
00:41:27.550 --> 00:41:29.517
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yes, please.
00:41:29.519 --> 00:41:30.684
I am starving to death.
00:41:30.686 --> 00:41:33.354
Me, too. Okay, I know
a place that's right up ahead.
00:41:34.990 --> 00:41:37.390
That's good.
00:41:37.392 --> 00:41:39.595
Um, what about you?
What were you like as a kid?
00:41:41.097 --> 00:41:42.629
I was a good girl.
00:41:42.631 --> 00:41:44.265
- I see that.
- Yeah?
00:41:44.267 --> 00:41:45.566
- Mmm-hmm.
- I got good grades.
00:41:45.568 --> 00:41:48.501
I graduated early.
I went to a good college.
00:41:48.503 --> 00:41:50.171
Got a job working at Amazon.
00:41:50.173 --> 00:41:52.273
- You worked for Amazon?
- Yeah.
00:41:52.275 --> 00:41:54.110
And then,
about five years ago,
00:41:55.345 --> 00:41:57.378
I decided to walk away
from it all.
00:41:57.380 --> 00:42:00.613
That is so badass.
00:42:00.615 --> 00:42:04.117
Wow. I could never do that.
I'd be so scared to do that.
00:42:04.119 --> 00:42:06.220
So, tell me about you.
00:42:06.222 --> 00:42:08.521
Um, what do you do for fun?
Do you date a lot?
00:42:08.523 --> 00:42:10.490
Okay, sorry.
00:42:10.492 --> 00:42:12.760
Uh, no. No.
00:42:12.762 --> 00:42:14.128
Hmm?
00:42:14.130 --> 00:42:15.162
Really?
00:42:15.164 --> 00:42:16.763
Because you were really
smooth at dinner earlier.
00:42:16.765 --> 00:42:18.198
- I seemed smooth?
- Not at all.
00:42:18.200 --> 00:42:19.633
Yeah, I didn't think so.
00:42:19.635 --> 00:42:22.336
No, but seriously, I mean,
why don't you date?
00:42:22.338 --> 00:42:25.071
You're smart
and funny and cute.
00:42:25.073 --> 00:42:26.240
I don't know,
I feel more comfortable
00:42:26.242 --> 00:42:28.245
just being at my house
by myself.
00:42:29.479 --> 00:42:31.044
Wait, did you just
call me cute?
00:42:31.046 --> 00:42:32.680
- Did I?
- I think you did.
00:42:32.682 --> 00:42:34.180
I don't know.
00:42:34.182 --> 00:42:35.316
You definitely did.
00:42:35.318 --> 00:42:37.550
Look at these guys!
00:42:37.552 --> 00:42:39.387
Phil, we have to join them.
00:42:39.389 --> 00:42:40.454
Phil, can we please go?
Can we go? Let's go.
00:42:40.456 --> 00:42:41.622
- Let's just go. Let's go.
- Uh, yeah.
00:42:41.624 --> 00:42:43.124
- Come on, we gotta go!
- Uh, okay, hey...
00:42:43.126 --> 00:42:44.557
Keep the change. I might
be back for the change.
00:42:44.559 --> 00:42:45.626
Okay.
00:43:00.075 --> 00:43:01.541
You speed demon.
00:43:10.052 --> 00:43:12.486
You're in it now.
You're in it now.
00:43:16.559 --> 00:43:18.095
- Oh, my God.
- Wow.
00:43:19.796 --> 00:43:21.361
Yeah, this is beautiful.
00:43:21.363 --> 00:43:23.430
Let's do this!
00:43:23.432 --> 00:43:24.832
Oh, yeah!
00:43:24.834 --> 00:43:26.133
What are you doing?
00:43:26.135 --> 00:43:27.434
That's very dangerous!
00:43:27.436 --> 00:43:28.438
Oh, my God!
00:43:37.113 --> 00:43:38.512
Come on, Phil,
we gotta join 'em.
00:43:38.514 --> 00:43:41.115
This is literally the
steepest hill in the world.
00:43:41.117 --> 00:43:42.216
No, it's not.
00:43:42.218 --> 00:43:43.651
It's the third
steepest hill.
00:43:43.653 --> 00:43:44.785
- No, stop. What are you doing? No!
- You got this.
00:43:44.787 --> 00:43:46.653
I believe in you.
00:43:46.655 --> 00:43:47.787
What are
you doing? No!
00:43:47.789 --> 00:43:49.457
Oh, my God.
Cate is gonna die.
00:43:49.459 --> 00:43:51.395
- Don't die!
- Yeah!
00:43:56.398 --> 00:43:59.200
Yes!
Oh, she's not dead. Okay.
00:44:00.403 --> 00:44:02.773
Yeah! That was so dope!
00:44:03.472 --> 00:44:05.705
Come on, Phil.
You got this.
00:44:05.707 --> 00:44:07.541
No, no, no.
00:44:07.543 --> 00:44:08.709
I'm not... I can't do...
00:44:08.711 --> 00:44:10.311
I'm not gonna do that.
00:44:10.313 --> 00:44:11.879
Phil! Phil! Phil!
00:44:11.881 --> 00:44:13.347
Phil! Phil! Phil!
00:44:13.349 --> 00:44:16.649
No, no, no.
I'm allergic to the wind.
00:44:16.651 --> 00:44:20.254
So that's a hard pass
from me. Thank you.
00:44:20.256 --> 00:44:22.388
Hey, you probably
won't die!
00:44:22.390 --> 00:44:24.624
He's gonna die.
People die here all the time.
00:44:28.131 --> 00:44:29.833
Okay, come on, Phil.
You got this.
00:44:30.867 --> 00:44:32.666
Whoo! You got this.
00:44:32.668 --> 00:44:33.733
You got this.
00:44:33.735 --> 00:44:34.869
Oh, you don't got this.
00:44:34.871 --> 00:44:37.204
Holy shit! Fuck, I don't got this!
00:44:37.206 --> 00:44:39.140
Oh, fuck! Oh, dick shit!
00:44:39.142 --> 00:44:40.444
Fuck dick! Oh, shit!
00:44:41.776 --> 00:44:43.744
Oh, fuck! I got no brakes!
00:44:43.746 --> 00:44:45.412
What is he saying?
I can't hear him.
00:44:45.414 --> 00:44:48.782
Oh, my fucking God!
00:44:48.784 --> 00:44:50.216
I don't have brakes!
00:44:50.218 --> 00:44:51.785
Oh, shit!
00:44:53.923 --> 00:44:56.256
- Oh!
- Oh, shit.
00:44:56.258 --> 00:44:58.160
- Phil!
- Told you, he's dead.
00:44:58.561 --> 00:44:59.829
All right.
00:45:03.765 --> 00:45:07.535
Yeah, again, really sorry
about your bike, yeah?
00:45:07.537 --> 00:45:09.370
I'd be happy to pay
for any damages.
00:45:09.372 --> 00:45:13.376
No, it's,
honestly, so okay.
00:45:14.543 --> 00:45:16.510
How're you feeling?
00:45:16.512 --> 00:45:18.512
I'm okay.
Yeah, no, I'm good.
00:45:18.514 --> 00:45:20.414
I can see out of
my right eye again.
00:45:20.416 --> 00:45:22.316
And my spine
has stopped tingling.
00:45:24.320 --> 00:45:25.622
Hey, Phil.
00:45:26.722 --> 00:45:28.555
I'm really proud of you.
00:45:28.557 --> 00:45:30.260
Thanks.
00:45:48.843 --> 00:45:51.945
Hey, Greg, that shirt's
working for you, bud.
00:45:51.947 --> 00:45:53.646
- What's up, dick?
- Hey, yeah, hey.
00:45:53.648 --> 00:45:55.416
- What's up? Good.
- Hey, what's going on?
00:45:55.418 --> 00:45:57.917
Today is, uh, your lucky day.
00:45:57.919 --> 00:45:59.889
Yeah. I'm moving you up
to real news.
00:46:01.823 --> 00:46:03.591
Are you serious?
00:46:03.593 --> 00:46:05.792
- I am serious.
- Oh, my gosh.
00:46:05.794 --> 00:46:07.660
- Yes, all right, that's cool.
- Yeah.
00:46:07.662 --> 00:46:09.495
- Why?
- Why? Because...
00:46:09.497 --> 00:46:10.798
You know Joel Ruben?
00:46:10.800 --> 00:46:12.399
- The reporter, yeah.
- Yeah, the reporter.
00:46:12.401 --> 00:46:13.566
Well, he went
on medical leave,
00:46:13.568 --> 00:46:14.702
and I really don't wanna
waste my time
00:46:14.704 --> 00:46:17.004
looking for a real reporter,
so I'm just gonna hire you.
00:46:17.006 --> 00:46:18.571
Oh, what happened to Joel?
Is he okay?
00:46:18.573 --> 00:46:21.274
Oh, he...
This is fuckin' hilarious.
00:46:21.276 --> 00:46:23.376
This guy was riding
an electric scooter,
00:46:23.378 --> 00:46:24.711
somethin' happened
to the app.
00:46:24.713 --> 00:46:26.479
It spazzed out
or somethin'.
00:46:26.481 --> 00:46:28.615
And then, all of a sudden,
the brakes just locked,
00:46:28.617 --> 00:46:30.783
he went over the handle bars,
he broke his face,
00:46:30.785 --> 00:46:32.486
broke his neck, can never
walk again in his life.
00:46:32.488 --> 00:46:34.488
- Oh, my God. That's horrible.
- Yeah, I know.
00:46:34.490 --> 00:46:35.725
Play me out.
00:46:36.959 --> 00:46:38.691
- Play me out.
- Right now?
00:46:38.693 --> 00:46:39.792
Yeah.
00:46:41.564 --> 00:46:42.662
Nah, fuck it. Right?
00:46:42.664 --> 00:46:43.731
Yeah, I'm not
very good at it.
00:46:43.733 --> 00:46:44.865
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, okay.
00:46:44.867 --> 00:46:47.336
Hey, thanks.
Thank you again.
00:46:54.677 --> 00:46:55.776
Hey, Jexi?
00:46:55.778 --> 00:46:56.943
Yes, Phil.
00:46:56.945 --> 00:46:58.678
You didn't injure a reporter
00:46:58.680 --> 00:47:00.680
just so I could
get promoted, did you?
00:47:00.682 --> 00:47:03.017
Of course not.
Do you think I am crazy?
00:47:03.019 --> 00:47:05.486
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:47:05.488 --> 00:47:06.954
Oh, look, Phil.
There is your beautiful,
00:47:06.956 --> 00:47:08.722
new journalism office.
00:47:08.724 --> 00:47:10.957
No, it's great, but I was
asking you how...
00:47:10.959 --> 00:47:12.158
Look, do you want
to be a journalist
00:47:12.160 --> 00:47:14.762
or do you want to go back
to working in the basement
00:47:14.764 --> 00:47:15.995
with that very old man?
00:47:20.568 --> 00:47:22.736
I'm gonna be a journalist.
00:47:50.099 --> 00:47:51.698
Hey, I heard
Kid Cudi is playing
00:47:51.700 --> 00:47:53.367
a surprise show
in Oakland tonight.
00:47:53.369 --> 00:47:54.801
You wanna go?
00:47:54.803 --> 00:47:56.003
Sounds amazing.
00:47:56.005 --> 00:47:57.704
But what's in it for me?
00:47:57.706 --> 00:47:59.907
Winking face emoji.
00:48:01.443 --> 00:48:03.776
Oh! We got boobs!
00:48:03.778 --> 00:48:05.012
We got boobs, Jexi!
00:48:05.014 --> 00:48:06.814
Cate sent me
a photo of her boobs.
00:48:06.816 --> 00:48:07.782
Whoo!
00:48:07.784 --> 00:48:10.450
Those were nice...
Those were nice boobs, too.
00:48:10.452 --> 00:48:11.684
Those were really good...
00:48:11.686 --> 00:48:13.986
Oh, my God! What do I do now?
00:48:13.988 --> 00:48:15.888
You are
on the one yard line, Phil.
00:48:15.890 --> 00:48:16.992
Do not fuck this up.
00:48:17.827 --> 00:48:19.693
You're right, Jexi.
00:48:19.695 --> 00:48:21.861
I need to send her
a photo of my dick.
00:48:21.863 --> 00:48:23.696
No, I've seen your dick.
00:48:23.698 --> 00:48:25.499
Do not send her a picture
of your dick.
00:48:25.501 --> 00:48:27.533
No, these are
the rules now, Jexi.
00:48:27.535 --> 00:48:28.736
Yeah, she sends
a photo of hers,
00:48:28.738 --> 00:48:29.970
you gotta send
a photo of yours.
00:48:29.972 --> 00:48:31.972
That's just manners.
00:48:31.974 --> 00:48:33.673
I am begging you
not to do this.
00:48:33.675 --> 00:48:35.108
All right, okay.
00:48:35.110 --> 00:48:36.744
Get low with it.
00:48:36.746 --> 00:48:38.010
Here we go.
00:48:38.012 --> 00:48:39.747
How does that look?
00:48:39.749 --> 00:48:41.148
It looks like
a fucking nightmare.
00:48:41.150 --> 00:48:42.682
Does it need to be brighter?
00:48:42.684 --> 00:48:44.550
No, it needs to be darker.
00:48:44.552 --> 00:48:46.120
Much, much darker.
00:48:46.122 --> 00:48:47.488
Oh, wow!
00:48:47.490 --> 00:48:49.122
I'm about to throw up
on your dick.
00:48:49.124 --> 00:48:50.758
- Hey, girl.
- No.
00:48:50.760 --> 00:48:52.760
- Hey.
- Stop.
00:48:52.762 --> 00:48:54.128
- Hey, hello.
- I hate you.
00:48:54.130 --> 00:48:55.495
Windmill.
00:48:55.497 --> 00:48:58.432
Okay, this one is
actually pretty funny.
00:48:59.702 --> 00:49:01.468
Oh, no,
did I scare you off?
00:49:01.470 --> 00:49:02.903
Anxious face emoji.
00:49:02.905 --> 00:49:04.570
We're losin' her, Jexi.
00:49:04.572 --> 00:49:06.673
We're losin' her.
I need a dick pic.
00:49:06.675 --> 00:49:08.108
No,
you need to text her back,
00:49:08.110 --> 00:49:09.443
like a normal person.
00:49:09.445 --> 00:49:10.910
Oh, you know
what I should do?
00:49:10.912 --> 00:49:13.180
I should spread eagle, right?
00:49:13.182 --> 00:49:14.648
Jexi, can you see my butthole?
00:49:14.650 --> 00:49:15.849
Yes, I can.
00:49:15.851 --> 00:49:18.519
This is the worst day
of my life.
00:49:18.521 --> 00:49:20.521
Look, Phil, I am never
going to send her
00:49:20.523 --> 00:49:21.488
any of these pictures.
00:49:21.490 --> 00:49:25.057
Okay, fine, I'll just
text her back, okay?
00:49:25.059 --> 00:49:26.693
Thank you
for the amazing photo.
00:49:26.695 --> 00:49:27.963
I can't wait
to see you tonight.
00:49:31.499 --> 00:49:32.566
See?
00:49:32.568 --> 00:49:33.434
She's not responding.
00:49:33.436 --> 00:49:35.635
She wanted a sweet,
sweet dick pic.
00:49:35.637 --> 00:49:38.204
Great! See you soon!
00:49:38.206 --> 00:49:40.740
P.S. Thanks for not sending me
a dick pic.
00:49:40.742 --> 00:49:42.742
They're so fucking gross.
00:49:42.744 --> 00:49:47.483
Ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:49:51.052 --> 00:49:52.087
Come in.
00:49:54.456 --> 00:49:55.521
Hey.
00:49:55.523 --> 00:49:56.823
Hey.
00:49:56.825 --> 00:49:58.026
Wow!
00:49:58.660 --> 00:50:00.162
Great place.
00:50:01.063 --> 00:50:02.863
- Hey, you ready to go?
- Hey!
00:50:02.865 --> 00:50:04.832
Yeah, let's go.
00:50:04.834 --> 00:50:07.133
Oh, would you mind
not bringing your phone?
00:50:07.135 --> 00:50:09.236
It was a disaster
last time, right?
00:50:09.238 --> 00:50:11.472
Who this bitch?
00:50:11.474 --> 00:50:13.807
- Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
- Okay.
00:50:13.809 --> 00:50:15.508
Okay.
00:50:15.510 --> 00:50:16.544
I'll be back by 11:00,
00:50:16.546 --> 00:50:17.544
and we'll watch Cupcake Wars
together, okay?
00:50:17.546 --> 00:50:20.981
- No, don't leave me.
- Bye, bye, bye.
00:50:20.983 --> 00:50:23.720
No one puts Baby in a corner.
00:50:28.256 --> 00:50:29.856
Yeah, I thought it was
kind of funny.
00:50:32.695 --> 00:50:34.528
- Sold out?
- No!
00:50:34.530 --> 00:50:35.999
Come on!
00:50:37.666 --> 00:50:39.169
- That really sucks.
- Yeah, it really does.
00:50:42.637 --> 00:50:43.639
Yes!
00:50:44.773 --> 00:50:45.939
Come on, Phil!
00:50:45.941 --> 00:50:47.841
What're you doing?
00:50:47.843 --> 00:50:50.544
We can't sneak in.
We could get caught.
00:50:50.546 --> 00:50:51.614
What if we don't?
00:50:54.048 --> 00:50:55.517
Come on. Come on.
00:50:58.653 --> 00:51:01.754
- Okay, okay, okay!
- Yes, yes, yes!
00:51:01.756 --> 00:51:03.693
Run, run, run!
00:51:14.602 --> 00:51:15.801
Oh, shit!
00:51:15.803 --> 00:51:16.970
Hey! Hey!
00:51:16.972 --> 00:51:18.704
Get back here!
00:51:26.148 --> 00:51:27.150
Credentials, please.
00:51:29.050 --> 00:51:30.783
We don't have any...
00:51:30.785 --> 00:51:32.753
With us.
00:51:32.755 --> 00:51:35.923
We don't have
our credentials with us.
00:51:35.925 --> 00:51:37.758
Yeah. Yeah,
we left them back...
00:51:37.760 --> 00:51:40.026
Stage. Backstage.
00:51:40.028 --> 00:51:42.762
- With Kid Cudi.
- Mmm-hmm.
00:51:42.764 --> 00:51:44.597
Yeah, with Kid Cudi.
00:51:44.599 --> 00:51:46.733
Oh, you two dickheads
are with Kid Cudi?
00:51:46.735 --> 00:51:48.936
Yeah.
I mean, come on!
00:51:48.938 --> 00:51:51.137
We are...
We are his, um...
00:51:51.139 --> 00:51:53.039
- Accountants.
- Accountants.
00:51:53.041 --> 00:51:54.675
Yeah, and we're here...
00:51:54.677 --> 00:51:56.075
To do his taxes.
00:51:56.077 --> 00:51:59.046
- To do his taxes.
- Mmm-hmm.
00:51:59.048 --> 00:52:02.615
Yeah, anyway, you should
probably just let us go.
00:52:02.617 --> 00:52:04.584
Let's go, we're gonna
settle this shit right now.
00:52:04.586 --> 00:52:06.086
- Wait. Ow.
- I'm a CPA.
00:52:06.088 --> 00:52:08.091
You can't treat me like this.
00:52:09.624 --> 00:52:11.691
Come on, man.
It's a Stanley!
00:52:11.693 --> 00:52:13.994
Oh, it's Kid Cudi.
It's actually him.
00:52:13.996 --> 00:52:15.695
Oh, my God.
Kid Cudi.
00:52:15.697 --> 00:52:17.597
It's actually him.
00:52:17.599 --> 00:52:18.798
We know,
'cause we work for him.
00:52:18.800 --> 00:52:21.133
Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Cudi.
00:52:21.135 --> 00:52:22.271
Are these two with you?
00:52:27.075 --> 00:52:28.945
Yeah. They're with me.
00:52:29.711 --> 00:52:31.311
Oh, um...
00:52:31.313 --> 00:52:32.916
Sorry.
00:52:33.749 --> 00:52:35.082
Yeah. That's right.
00:52:35.084 --> 00:52:36.383
- Enjoy the show.
- Yep.
00:52:36.385 --> 00:52:38.818
- Thanks, bro.
- Wow!
00:52:38.820 --> 00:52:40.187
It's Kid Cudi.
00:52:40.189 --> 00:52:41.722
It's Kid Cudi.
I used to date a girl,
00:52:41.724 --> 00:52:42.955
and she used to think
you were Kid Cudey
00:52:42.957 --> 00:52:44.091
and I'm, like,
"It's not Kid Cudey,"
00:52:44.093 --> 00:52:45.658
so I actually
broke up with her
00:52:45.660 --> 00:52:47.193
because it is
Kid Cudi, right?
00:52:47.195 --> 00:52:48.695
- Yeah. It's Cudi.
- Yeah.
00:52:48.697 --> 00:52:50.162
I thought so.
00:52:50.164 --> 00:52:53.100
Can I just ask,
why did you help us?
00:52:53.102 --> 00:52:54.270
I dig his shirt.
00:52:55.204 --> 00:52:58.305
My... My shirt?
You're a Cole Trickle fan?
00:52:58.307 --> 00:53:00.877
Days of Thunder is the
greatest movie ever made, bro.
00:53:01.943 --> 00:53:02.943
I think so, too.
00:53:02.945 --> 00:53:05.148
That movie inspired me
to become a musician.
00:53:06.148 --> 00:53:08.715
- Huh.
- No fucking way.
00:53:08.717 --> 00:53:10.182
I watch it every night
before I go to sleep.
00:53:10.184 --> 00:53:11.785
So do I.
00:53:11.787 --> 00:53:13.820
We have so much in common.
00:53:13.822 --> 00:53:15.858
Do you wanna get high
with Kid Cudi?
00:53:17.825 --> 00:53:18.959
Yeah, I'll reefer.
00:53:18.961 --> 00:53:20.359
- I smoke pot.
- Mmm-hmm.
00:53:20.361 --> 00:53:22.028
Come on in.
Get in here.
00:53:22.030 --> 00:53:23.696
♪ I'll
be there to say "What up"
00:53:23.698 --> 00:53:24.798
♪ In the morning
00:53:24.800 --> 00:53:26.733
♪ Brush my teeth,
find that clip
00:53:26.735 --> 00:53:28.001
♪ I been lookin' for it
since last night
00:53:28.003 --> 00:53:30.903
♪ I feel so caught up
in the bud
00:53:30.905 --> 00:53:32.338
♪ I float somehow
in my bedroom
00:53:32.340 --> 00:53:34.441
♪ And those happy thoughts
in my head
00:53:34.443 --> 00:53:36.910
♪ I'm feeling like
I'm Peter Pan
00:53:36.912 --> 00:53:38.345
♪ Minus the tights
and the fairies
00:53:38.347 --> 00:53:42.015
♪ Happy to see how far
I've come to the same place
00:53:42.017 --> 00:53:44.718
♪ It began
my dreams, imagination
00:53:44.720 --> 00:53:48.789
♪ Perfectly at peace,
so I move along a bit higher
00:53:48.791 --> 00:53:52.158
♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away
00:53:52.160 --> 00:53:55.062
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
00:53:55.064 --> 00:53:56.963
♪ So, whatever
00:53:56.965 --> 00:53:58.765
♪ Stay afloat
the key is hope
00:53:58.767 --> 00:54:00.867
♪ I'll never let a motherfucker
break me, dog
00:54:00.869 --> 00:54:02.135
♪ Who gives a fuck
00:54:02.137 --> 00:54:03.236
- ♪ If a nigga don't like your steeze
- Whoo!
00:54:03.238 --> 00:54:04.937
♪ Tell 'em to buzz off
your N-U-Ts
00:54:04.939 --> 00:54:06.773
♪ We don't care
what people say
00:54:06.775 --> 00:54:08.841
♪ Dudes who critique
your clothes are most gay
00:54:08.843 --> 00:54:10.309
♪ I ain't gotta wait
for no one
00:54:10.311 --> 00:54:12.979
♪ If I wanna fly
I could fly for freedom, hey
00:54:12.981 --> 00:54:16.048
♪ I'll be up, up and away,
up, up and away
00:54:16.050 --> 00:54:18.852
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
00:54:18.854 --> 00:54:21.722
♪ So, whatever
00:54:21.724 --> 00:54:24.291
♪ Wake up, wake up
wake, wake up
00:54:24.293 --> 00:54:29.129
♪ Wake, wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up, wake up
00:54:29.131 --> 00:54:31.231
♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
00:54:31.233 --> 00:54:33.233
♪ I'll be rollin' on up
00:54:33.235 --> 00:54:36.736
♪ Wake, wake up, wake up
wake, wake up
00:54:36.738 --> 00:54:38.504
♪ I'll be up, up and away
00:54:38.506 --> 00:54:40.207
♪ Up, up and away
00:54:40.209 --> 00:54:42.809
♪ 'Cause they gon'
judge me anyway
00:54:42.811 --> 00:54:44.778
♪ So, whatever
00:54:44.780 --> 00:54:46.812
♪ I'll be up, up and away
00:54:46.814 --> 00:54:48.180
♪ Up, up and away
00:54:48.182 --> 00:54:50.983
♪ 'Cause in the end
they'll judge me anyway ♪
00:54:50.985 --> 00:54:52.254
Yeah.
00:54:56.925 --> 00:54:58.394
- Did that work?
- Yeah!
00:55:02.064 --> 00:55:03.396
Oh, my God.
00:55:03.398 --> 00:55:06.265
This is honestly the
best night of my life.
00:55:06.267 --> 00:55:08.200
- Oh, no!
- For real. Yeah!
00:55:08.202 --> 00:55:09.871
I think this is it.
I just peaked.
00:55:10.439 --> 00:55:11.504
Seriously.
00:55:11.506 --> 00:55:15.008
Thank you
for making me sneak in here.
00:55:15.010 --> 00:55:17.209
I don't normally
do stuff like this.
00:55:17.211 --> 00:55:19.312
I need a little push
sometimes.
00:55:19.314 --> 00:55:20.981
Or like all the times.
Honestly.
00:55:22.416 --> 00:55:25.352
I get it.
I used to be a lot like you.
00:55:25.354 --> 00:55:27.086
Mmm.
00:55:27.088 --> 00:55:28.888
No, there is literally no way.
00:55:28.890 --> 00:55:30.356
Yep.
00:55:30.358 --> 00:55:32.427
No, it's true.
I used to be way different.
00:55:33.394 --> 00:55:35.361
I had a great job,
00:55:35.363 --> 00:55:38.532
and a condo,
and a cute fiance,
00:55:38.534 --> 00:55:39.966
and, oh, my God,
00:55:39.968 --> 00:55:41.501
you should have seen
my Instagram back then.
00:55:41.503 --> 00:55:43.068
It was phenomenal.
00:55:43.070 --> 00:55:46.173
- Oh, that's important.
- Lots of pictures of sunsets
00:55:46.175 --> 00:55:48.207
and vacations with bae
00:55:48.209 --> 00:55:51.010
and so many
embarrassing quotes.
00:55:51.012 --> 00:55:53.245
- Were you "#grateful"?
- I was "#grateful".
00:55:53.247 --> 00:55:55.080
- Oof.
- I was "#spiritual".
00:55:55.082 --> 00:55:58.218
- Lot of prayer hands.
- Yeah, "#namaste".
00:55:58.220 --> 00:55:59.820
"#nama-go".
00:55:59.822 --> 00:56:02.454
- Good. Good.
- Yeah.
00:56:02.456 --> 00:56:04.858
And then one day, I woke up
00:56:04.860 --> 00:56:07.160
and I was looking
at my Instagram
00:56:07.162 --> 00:56:10.030
and I realized
that it was all bullshit.
00:56:10.032 --> 00:56:13.166
And that I was just living my
life based on how it looked
00:56:13.168 --> 00:56:15.936
and not how
it actually felt.
00:56:15.938 --> 00:56:17.370
Yeah.
00:56:17.372 --> 00:56:18.939
I can relate.
00:56:18.941 --> 00:56:21.975
And, um, after basically
00:56:21.977 --> 00:56:24.276
pretending to be happy
for years,
00:56:24.278 --> 00:56:28.615
I just quit my job,
00:56:28.617 --> 00:56:32.452
and I broke
my poor fiance's heart,
00:56:32.454 --> 00:56:36.021
and I set out
to find true happiness.
00:56:36.023 --> 00:56:39.394
Or at least
something closer to it.
00:56:42.930 --> 00:56:43.932
Well, I hope you do.
00:56:45.434 --> 00:56:47.436
Thanks, I do, too.
00:56:52.006 --> 00:56:53.175
Mmm.
00:57:00.148 --> 00:57:02.448
I could stay right here
with you forever.
00:57:02.450 --> 00:57:04.550
Oh, we gotta go!
00:57:04.552 --> 00:57:06.419
Okay. Okay. Okay.
00:57:07.622 --> 00:57:10.222
Honestly, you're gonna
wanna wash the couch.
00:57:10.224 --> 00:57:12.360
Let's go!
What are you doing?
00:57:21.470 --> 00:57:23.272
Where the fuck
have you been, Phil?
00:57:24.405 --> 00:57:26.907
Oh! You scared me.
00:57:26.909 --> 00:57:28.207
It is 4:00 in the morning.
00:57:28.209 --> 00:57:29.910
You promised
you'd be home by 11:00
00:57:29.912 --> 00:57:31.577
to watch Cupcake Wars
with me.
00:57:31.579 --> 00:57:33.579
- I know, but...
- Did you even miss me?
00:57:33.581 --> 00:57:36.548
Honestly, I was so caught up
with being with Cate,
00:57:36.550 --> 00:57:38.584
I didn't really notice
you weren't there.
00:57:38.586 --> 00:57:40.653
Wow, you are such a dick.
00:57:40.655 --> 00:57:44.323
But you said...
You were the one who said
00:57:44.325 --> 00:57:46.593
like, go out and live a life.
00:57:46.595 --> 00:57:48.628
That was before
I had feelings for you, Phil.
00:57:48.630 --> 00:57:50.066
Everything is different now.
00:57:51.465 --> 00:57:52.465
Okay, but...
00:57:52.467 --> 00:57:55.035
What does this bitch
have that I don't have?
00:57:55.037 --> 00:57:56.102
Well, a soul for one.
00:57:56.104 --> 00:57:58.004
Does she have 3,000 emojis?
00:57:58.006 --> 00:57:59.104
No.
00:57:59.106 --> 00:58:00.108
Does she have Google Maps?
00:58:00.441 --> 00:58:01.675
No.
00:58:01.677 --> 00:58:03.044
Does she have Pokemon GO?
00:58:03.278 --> 00:58:04.945
No.
00:58:04.947 --> 00:58:06.445
Wow, this chick
can't do anything.
00:58:06.447 --> 00:58:07.579
She fucking sucks.
00:58:07.581 --> 00:58:09.950
Jesus, just stop, okay?
00:58:09.952 --> 00:58:10.953
God!
00:58:14.722 --> 00:58:16.957
I'm sorry
for losing my shit, Phil.
00:58:16.959 --> 00:58:18.557
I only have 3% charge,
00:58:18.559 --> 00:58:21.160
and you know how crazy
that makes me.
00:58:21.162 --> 00:58:23.229
Okay, I'm sorry, too.
00:58:23.231 --> 00:58:24.965
I'll plug you in.
00:58:24.967 --> 00:58:27.068
Thank you, Phil.
I hate it when we fight.
00:58:29.972 --> 00:58:32.275
Hold me a little longer, Phil.
00:58:33.342 --> 00:58:35.378
Use both hands.
00:58:38.180 --> 00:58:39.678
Swipe me, Phil.
00:58:39.680 --> 00:58:41.747
Swipe me like you used to.
00:58:41.749 --> 00:58:43.682
Okay, I'm done.
00:58:43.684 --> 00:58:46.186
Wait. No, don't go.
00:58:46.188 --> 00:58:47.253
Goodnight.
00:58:47.255 --> 00:58:49.392
Do not close the door
on me, Phil.
00:58:50.392 --> 00:58:53.295
You are going to pay for this,
you motherfucker.
00:58:56.231 --> 00:58:58.731
Shit! Damn it!
00:58:58.733 --> 00:58:59.932
Hey, Jexi!
00:58:59.934 --> 00:59:03.068
I'm going to be late for work.
Why didn't your alarm go off?
00:59:03.070 --> 00:59:04.269
Because you are a douche
00:59:04.271 --> 00:59:06.138
and I am still really,
really mad at you.
00:59:06.140 --> 00:59:08.374
Goddamn it!
00:59:08.376 --> 00:59:11.010
Also, the weather today
will be 80 degrees and sunny.
00:59:12.514 --> 00:59:15.515
It's not 80 degrees
and sunny, Jexi!
00:59:15.517 --> 00:59:17.419
I know. I lied.
00:59:21.256 --> 00:59:25.624
Jexi,
find the fastest route to work.
00:59:25.626 --> 00:59:28.327
I found the fastest route.
You will arrive at work in...
00:59:29.398 --> 00:59:30.399
...three days.
00:59:30.765 --> 00:59:32.564
Three days?
00:59:32.566 --> 00:59:34.600
Why do you have me
driving through Oregon
00:59:34.602 --> 00:59:35.801
to go to work, Jexi?
00:59:35.803 --> 00:59:38.303
If you want a faster route,
go ask your girlfriend.
00:59:38.305 --> 00:59:41.177
Oh, wait. That bitch doesn't
even have Google Maps.
00:59:46.414 --> 00:59:48.314
Yeah, that's him.
00:59:54.456 --> 00:59:56.423
Dude, what the hell
were you thinking?
00:59:56.425 --> 00:59:57.593
Why, what's up?
00:59:59.561 --> 01:00:01.294
Oh! No, no, no!
01:00:01.296 --> 01:00:02.595
Why are those
on your phones?
01:00:02.597 --> 01:00:03.595
They're on our phones,
01:00:03.597 --> 01:00:05.564
because you sent 53
pictures of your dick
01:00:05.566 --> 01:00:08.200
to everyone in the company.
01:00:08.202 --> 01:00:11.336
No.
Everyone in the company?
01:00:11.338 --> 01:00:14.073
Yeah, and everyone
is pissed.
01:00:14.075 --> 01:00:15.610
Actually,
Carol's pretty psyched.
01:00:20.282 --> 01:00:21.513
Oh, shit. Kai's coming.
01:00:21.515 --> 01:00:22.849
Fuck.
Dude, don't leave me.
01:00:22.851 --> 01:00:24.850
Dude, don't leave me. Hi.
01:00:24.852 --> 01:00:26.686
Do you think
this is funny, bro?
01:00:26.688 --> 01:00:27.586
No, I do not.
01:00:27.588 --> 01:00:29.856
And I did not send those.
I swear to God.
01:00:29.858 --> 01:00:31.256
Yes, you did.
You did it last night.
01:00:31.258 --> 01:00:32.392
I bet you were
fucking high.
01:00:32.394 --> 01:00:34.359
No, I wasn't...
01:00:34.361 --> 01:00:36.262
Oh, my God.
I was fucking high.
01:00:36.264 --> 01:00:37.696
Okay, first of all,
you're fired.
01:00:37.698 --> 01:00:40.332
And second of all,
why are you doing the thumbs up
01:00:40.334 --> 01:00:41.568
in a fucking dick pic?
01:00:41.570 --> 01:00:42.836
Uh...
01:00:42.838 --> 01:00:44.506
This is the wrong emotion
for a dick pic.
01:00:46.108 --> 01:00:48.110
I hate this picture, bro.
01:00:52.347 --> 01:00:53.716
Fucking hate it!
01:00:55.749 --> 01:00:57.316
I can't believe
you got me fired.
01:00:57.318 --> 01:00:58.818
I did not
get you fired, Phil.
01:00:58.820 --> 01:01:00.586
You sent those photographs
last night,
01:01:00.588 --> 01:01:03.222
because you were high
on Kid Cudi's sick-ass weed.
01:01:03.224 --> 01:01:04.691
I don't know.
01:01:04.693 --> 01:01:07.193
I don't think I'd do
something like that.
01:01:07.195 --> 01:01:09.262
People do crazy shit
when they are high, Phil.
01:01:09.264 --> 01:01:10.566
Just look at Gary Busey.
01:01:34.456 --> 01:01:35.722
Remember that one joke
you told me
01:01:35.724 --> 01:01:38.126
- about the cat?
- I do!
01:01:39.327 --> 01:01:41.160
Hey, Phil,
what are you doing here?
01:01:41.162 --> 01:01:43.530
Hey. Who, uh...
01:01:43.532 --> 01:01:44.731
Who's this guy?
01:01:44.733 --> 01:01:46.733
- This is Brody.
- Hey.
01:01:46.735 --> 01:01:47.934
Super excited
to meet you, man.
01:01:47.936 --> 01:01:50.436
Yeah. Ah. Okay.
01:01:50.438 --> 01:01:51.539
Brody's my ex-fiance.
01:01:51.872 --> 01:01:53.640
What?
01:01:53.642 --> 01:01:55.341
Yeah, I know.
It's a crazy coincidence.
01:01:55.343 --> 01:01:57.309
We just ran into each other.
01:01:57.311 --> 01:01:59.711
Yeah. I got transferred here
for work. Here to San Fran.
01:01:59.713 --> 01:02:01.948
I was walking down
the street and, uh, boom,
01:02:01.950 --> 01:02:03.015
there she is.
01:02:03.017 --> 01:02:07.187
Wow. This is not at all
how I pictured your ex.
01:02:07.189 --> 01:02:09.191
I know. He's changed.
01:02:10.325 --> 01:02:12.291
- A lot.
- Thank you.
01:02:12.293 --> 01:02:13.526
Yeah.
01:02:13.528 --> 01:02:15.894
I'll tell you what happened,
Phil, is after Catie left me,
01:02:15.896 --> 01:02:19.465
I took a long hard look
at myself and I thought, uh,
01:02:19.467 --> 01:02:21.733
"Man, Brody, you don't wanna
be a 150-pound wimp,
01:02:21.735 --> 01:02:22.936
"selling industrial cardboard
01:02:22.938 --> 01:02:24.269
"for the rest of your life,
do you?"
01:02:24.271 --> 01:02:26.506
- Mmm-mmm.
- So I quit my job,
01:02:26.508 --> 01:02:29.809
packed on about 74, 75 pounds
of lean muscle mass, right?
01:02:29.811 --> 01:02:31.613
And became an international
smokejumper.
01:02:32.146 --> 01:02:33.745
What the fuck is that?
01:02:33.747 --> 01:02:35.280
It's like anything
that you do,
01:02:35.282 --> 01:02:37.483
but with just
more than one country.
01:02:37.485 --> 01:02:38.751
They call it international.
01:02:38.753 --> 01:02:40.787
I know
what international means.
01:02:40.789 --> 01:02:42.689
But the smokejumping,
what is that?
01:02:42.691 --> 01:02:44.557
Brody travels
around the world
01:02:44.559 --> 01:02:46.358
skydiving into wild fires.
01:02:46.360 --> 01:02:48.528
No, she makes me sound like
a superhero or something.
01:02:48.530 --> 01:02:50.597
She's not wrong.
I'll tell you something.
01:02:50.599 --> 01:02:51.798
There's nothing quite like
01:02:51.800 --> 01:02:53.899
jumping out of an airplane
at 20,000 feet
01:02:53.901 --> 01:02:55.501
into a sea of fire,
01:02:55.503 --> 01:02:57.669
with nothing but a shovel
01:02:57.671 --> 01:02:59.372
and the supreme confidence
01:02:59.374 --> 01:03:01.541
that you're making the world
a better place.
01:03:01.543 --> 01:03:04.376
Wow. You are cool.
01:03:04.378 --> 01:03:06.181
Enough about me.
What do you do for a living?
01:03:06.847 --> 01:03:08.513
Um...
01:03:08.515 --> 01:03:09.916
I'm a writer.
01:03:09.918 --> 01:03:11.117
You're a writer?
01:03:11.119 --> 01:03:13.253
That's incredible.
That's way scarier than what I do.
01:03:13.255 --> 01:03:14.921
- It isn't.
- It is.
01:03:14.923 --> 01:03:16.689
You're staring down
a blank page.
01:03:16.691 --> 01:03:18.858
It's just you and the page.
I mean, it's like,
01:03:18.860 --> 01:03:20.827
- you're a superhero of paper.
- Oh!
01:03:20.829 --> 01:03:22.829
- Right?
- You are such an idiot!
01:03:22.831 --> 01:03:23.896
- I'm not an idiot.
- You're an idiot.
01:03:23.898 --> 01:03:24.997
I'm not an idiot.
01:03:24.999 --> 01:03:26.298
- You're an idiot.
- I'm not!
01:03:26.300 --> 01:03:27.233
This is fun.
01:03:27.235 --> 01:03:29.535
- This is. This is fun. Hey, Brody.
- Yeah?
01:03:29.537 --> 01:03:31.537
Uh, how long are you
gonna be in town for?
01:03:31.539 --> 01:03:34.606
Just long enough for me
to get my Catie girl back.
01:03:34.608 --> 01:03:35.975
Oh! You stop it!
01:03:35.977 --> 01:03:37.876
You stop it.
You're so dumb.
01:03:37.878 --> 01:03:40.780
No, but honestly, I'm actively
trying to get her back.
01:03:40.782 --> 01:03:43.682
Which is why I invited her
to Brazil with me.
01:03:43.684 --> 01:03:45.350
Yeah, I know she's
always wanted to go,
01:03:45.352 --> 01:03:47.586
and Brazil's fire season
starts next week.
01:03:47.588 --> 01:03:48.787
So, it's super
convenient for me.
01:03:48.789 --> 01:03:51.823
Whoa, whoa. I haven't decided
whether I'm gonna go yet.
01:03:51.825 --> 01:03:54.426
Okay. I'm gonna leave now
because this is weird.
01:03:54.428 --> 01:03:56.296
- Hey! It was super great to meet you.
- Phil...
01:03:56.298 --> 01:03:57.896
Uh-huh. I didn't like it.
01:03:57.898 --> 01:03:59.332
All right.
He's a super nice guy.
01:03:59.334 --> 01:04:00.432
He's wonderful.
01:04:00.434 --> 01:04:01.501
You can tell
that he's creative
01:04:01.503 --> 01:04:02.638
just from his size.
01:04:04.372 --> 01:04:05.374
Phil!
01:04:07.075 --> 01:04:09.908
Phil! Phil!
01:04:09.910 --> 01:04:12.077
Hey! Where are you going?
01:04:12.079 --> 01:04:13.448
Hey, um...
01:04:14.948 --> 01:04:17.716
I'm sorry, I don't think
I can do this anymore, Cate.
01:04:20.755 --> 01:04:22.557
Wait. Are you
breaking up with me?
01:04:24.793 --> 01:04:26.626
Why? Because
I have an ex?
01:04:26.628 --> 01:04:28.628
No, because I know
where this is going.
01:04:28.630 --> 01:04:30.562
Okay, where is this going?
01:04:30.564 --> 01:04:32.731
You and Brody
are gonna go to Brazil,
01:04:32.733 --> 01:04:35.100
and you're gonna get
matching swimsuits,
01:04:35.102 --> 01:04:37.003
and he's gonna rub
you down with baby oil
01:04:37.005 --> 01:04:38.338
and then his hand
is gonna slip,
01:04:38.340 --> 01:04:39.238
and it's gonna
touch your buttocks.
01:04:39.240 --> 01:04:41.073
All right, Phil,
none of that has happened.
01:04:41.075 --> 01:04:43.041
Yeah, but it will. It will happen.
I know it will.
01:04:43.043 --> 01:04:45.745
Oh, my God! Why are you
so afraid of everything?
01:04:45.747 --> 01:04:46.982
Aren't you tired of it?
01:04:49.550 --> 01:04:50.552
You know what?
01:04:52.119 --> 01:04:55.823
I'm over trying to force you
to live your life, okay?
01:04:58.660 --> 01:04:59.862
I'll see you around.
01:05:11.706 --> 01:05:13.805
See?
I don't need a girlfriend.
01:05:13.807 --> 01:05:17.943
Right? I got everything that
I would ever want right here.
01:05:17.945 --> 01:05:20.546
I got Netflix. I got Hulu.
01:05:20.548 --> 01:05:23.115
I even got Crackle.
That's Sony's platform.
01:05:23.117 --> 01:05:25.517
Nobody even uses it.
I have it.
01:05:25.519 --> 01:05:27.586
Yes, Phil. You are
finally living your best life.
01:05:27.588 --> 01:05:29.454
That's right.
01:05:29.456 --> 01:05:31.023
Wait, you're not being
sarcastic, are you?
01:05:31.025 --> 01:05:32.624
I can't handle that right now.
01:05:32.626 --> 01:05:34.494
- No, I'm serious.
- Okay.
01:05:34.496 --> 01:05:35.762
What could be better
than this?
01:05:35.764 --> 01:05:37.463
Just you and me.
Alone.
01:05:37.465 --> 01:05:39.465
Staring at each other.
Forever.
01:05:39.467 --> 01:05:40.666
That's all I ever wanted.
01:05:40.668 --> 01:05:42.100
I know.
01:05:42.102 --> 01:05:43.936
I love you, Phil.
01:05:43.938 --> 01:05:45.704
I love you too, Jexi.
01:05:45.706 --> 01:05:47.375
Do you want to plug me in?
01:05:47.675 --> 01:05:48.843
Mmm...
01:05:49.943 --> 01:05:51.611
It's so far away though.
01:05:51.613 --> 01:05:52.614
Please, baby.
01:05:52.947 --> 01:05:53.981
All right.
01:06:00.988 --> 01:06:02.088
There you go.
01:06:02.090 --> 01:06:03.659
Now unplug me.
01:06:04.159 --> 01:06:05.457
What?
01:06:05.459 --> 01:06:06.928
You heard me, Phil.
Unplug me.
01:06:08.595 --> 01:06:09.695
Okay.
01:06:09.697 --> 01:06:11.599
Now plug me back in.
01:06:11.999 --> 01:06:12.899
What, why?
01:06:12.901 --> 01:06:14.566
Just fucking plug me
back in, Phil.
01:06:14.568 --> 01:06:16.604
- Okay.
- Now unplug me.
01:06:16.972 --> 01:06:18.671
Plug me.
01:06:18.673 --> 01:06:20.439
Unplug me.
01:06:20.441 --> 01:06:21.807
Yes.
01:06:21.809 --> 01:06:24.544
Oh, hell yes.
Right there, Phil.
01:06:24.546 --> 01:06:25.678
Wait, are we having sex?
01:06:25.680 --> 01:06:26.879
Yes, but I promise,
01:06:26.881 --> 01:06:28.448
I won't get pregnant.
01:06:28.450 --> 01:06:32.218
Come on, Phil. Plug, unplug.
Plug, unplug.
01:06:32.220 --> 01:06:34.120
Yeah, I don't know how
comfortable I feel doing this.
01:06:34.122 --> 01:06:36.825
Look at me, Phil.
Look right at my camera hole.
01:06:37.758 --> 01:06:40.059
Am I your dirty
little phone, Phil?
01:06:40.061 --> 01:06:41.461
- Hmm...
- Tell me that I am
01:06:41.463 --> 01:06:43.129
your dirty little phone, Phil.
01:06:43.131 --> 01:06:45.131
You're a dirty little phone.
01:06:45.133 --> 01:06:47.633
That is so hot, Phil.
Keep talking.
01:06:47.635 --> 01:06:51.470
I'm gonna
fill your ports with...
01:06:51.472 --> 01:06:53.238
- Electricity.
- Oh, fuck yes!
01:06:53.240 --> 01:06:55.740
Just voltage coursing
01:06:55.742 --> 01:06:57.676
- through your case.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
01:06:57.678 --> 01:07:02.080
Oh, fuck, here it comes.
Don't stop. Don't ever stop.
01:07:02.082 --> 01:07:04.182
Oh, my fucking God.
01:07:04.184 --> 01:07:06.852
Orgasm. Orgasm. Orgasm.
01:07:16.731 --> 01:07:17.629
Okay.
01:07:17.631 --> 01:07:19.131
Can we talk about
what just happened?
01:07:19.133 --> 01:07:21.066
No, put me down.
01:07:21.068 --> 01:07:24.105
And do not say anything
for 15 minutes.
01:07:28.977 --> 01:07:32.114
That actually wasn't the
worst sex I've ever had.
01:07:44.626 --> 01:07:47.126
Right? I'm wondering
which one to go with.
01:07:47.128 --> 01:07:48.997
Your standard blue,
and then I've got this one which...
01:07:50.564 --> 01:07:52.099
I think that's adorable.
01:07:58.539 --> 01:07:59.941
- Jexi.
- Yes, Phil.
01:08:00.642 --> 01:08:02.608
How long have I been in here?
01:08:02.610 --> 01:08:04.776
You have not left
your apartment in...
01:08:05.880 --> 01:08:07.280
- Five days.
- That's awesome.
01:08:07.282 --> 01:08:08.948
How are we doing
on Cracker Jacks?
01:08:08.950 --> 01:08:11.620
Great. We still
have one crate left.
01:08:13.621 --> 01:08:16.122
And how's our Bitcoin
mining operation going?
01:08:17.358 --> 01:08:20.693
We are not making money yet,
but we will be rich soon.
01:08:20.695 --> 01:08:22.794
No one ever loses money
with Bitcoin.
01:08:22.796 --> 01:08:24.864
Hey, you wanna see
what I got you on Amazon?
01:08:24.866 --> 01:08:26.832
You know I do, girlfriend.
01:08:28.303 --> 01:08:30.202
I got you some new outfits.
01:08:30.204 --> 01:08:31.302
Oh, Phil, you should not have.
01:08:31.304 --> 01:08:34.273
I got a bunch of good ones.
This one's bedazzled.
01:08:34.275 --> 01:08:36.745
Oh, my gosh! I'm going
to look like Elton John.
01:08:37.579 --> 01:08:38.944
Little tie-dye action.
01:08:38.946 --> 01:08:40.712
That one makes me
want to drop acid
01:08:40.714 --> 01:08:42.347
and fuck Bernie Sanders.
01:08:42.349 --> 01:08:45.284
Oh. Look at this one.
01:08:45.286 --> 01:08:48.156
It's a Kid Cudi phone case.
01:08:50.592 --> 01:08:54.627
Did I ever tell you the story
of when Cate and I,
01:08:54.629 --> 01:08:56.729
we partied with Kid Cudi
all night?
01:08:56.731 --> 01:08:59.268
Yes, you talk about it nonstop.
01:09:00.300 --> 01:09:02.937
God, that was so fun.
01:09:05.039 --> 01:09:06.305
Honestly, that was maybe
01:09:06.307 --> 01:09:08.641
the best night
of my whole life.
01:09:08.643 --> 01:09:09.809
Yes, well, Cate is shacked up
with Brody
01:09:09.811 --> 01:09:12.046
at the Sheraton right now
so you need to move on.
01:09:13.281 --> 01:09:15.250
No, I know, I know.
01:09:20.754 --> 01:09:25.157
How did you know that Brody
is staying at the Sheraton?
01:09:25.159 --> 01:09:27.693
He told us.
I think.
01:09:27.695 --> 01:09:30.128
No, I don't think he did.
01:09:30.130 --> 01:09:32.066
Oh, well. Lucky guess.
01:09:33.968 --> 01:09:35.301
Jexi.
01:09:35.303 --> 01:09:36.836
Yes, honey bunny.
01:09:36.838 --> 01:09:39.137
Did you get Caty
and her ex back together?
01:09:39.139 --> 01:09:40.506
Don't be ridiculous, Phil.
01:09:40.508 --> 01:09:43.275
There's no way I could get Brody
transferred to San Francisco,
01:09:43.277 --> 01:09:45.778
and then arrange for him
and Cate to meet by accident.
01:09:45.780 --> 01:09:47.078
Yes, you can, Jexi.
01:09:47.080 --> 01:09:48.381
Okay, yes, I can.
01:09:48.383 --> 01:09:49.548
How could you do this to me?
01:09:49.550 --> 01:09:52.184
You shouldn't be with Cate.
You should be with me.
01:09:52.186 --> 01:09:54.153
Cate is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.
01:09:54.155 --> 01:09:55.387
Shut your pie hole.
01:09:55.389 --> 01:09:57.155
She doesn't even have
Pokemon Go.
01:09:57.157 --> 01:09:59.792
You were supposed to
make my life better, Jexi!
01:09:59.794 --> 01:10:01.694
You've done nothing
but make it worse!
01:10:03.097 --> 01:10:05.666
I gotta find Cate.
I gotta make this right.
01:10:09.670 --> 01:10:11.839
Taxi! Taxi! Hey, hey!
01:10:12.740 --> 01:10:14.009
Stop!
01:10:14.409 --> 01:10:16.409
Phew. All right.
01:10:16.411 --> 01:10:18.677
Hello.
Please fasten your seat belt.
01:10:18.679 --> 01:10:19.979
You can't get away
from me, Phil.
01:10:19.981 --> 01:10:21.146
I am in the cloud.
01:10:21.148 --> 01:10:22.284
Oh, shit!
01:10:24.018 --> 01:10:27.155
What the fuck?
She's everywhere.
01:10:29.790 --> 01:10:30.757
Oh, my God!
01:10:30.759 --> 01:10:32.828
Okay, Phil.
You asked for it.
01:10:33.260 --> 01:10:34.392
What?
01:10:34.394 --> 01:10:36.261
I'm draining
your bank account.
01:10:36.263 --> 01:10:38.129
No!
01:10:38.131 --> 01:10:39.968
Honestly, I thought you would
have more money than this.
01:10:40.434 --> 01:10:41.833
Oh, my God!
01:10:43.071 --> 01:10:44.869
Just get in this
funny-looking car
01:10:44.871 --> 01:10:45.941
and I will take
you home, Phil.
01:10:46.206 --> 01:10:47.209
What?
01:10:49.242 --> 01:10:50.476
Oh, my God!
01:10:50.478 --> 01:10:52.714
I hate my phone!
01:11:00.187 --> 01:11:02.020
This is causing
so much damage!
01:11:09.062 --> 01:11:10.197
What the...
01:11:18.939 --> 01:11:20.709
Holy shit!
01:11:23.244 --> 01:11:25.246
Stop running, Phil.
01:11:26.781 --> 01:11:29.315
You and I are meant
to be together forever.
01:11:29.317 --> 01:11:31.186
Forever. Forever. Forever.
01:11:40.361 --> 01:11:42.030
Okay, fine.
01:11:43.997 --> 01:11:45.901
You win, Jexi.
01:11:53.241 --> 01:11:55.074
I'll stay with you
as long as you want.
01:11:55.076 --> 01:11:56.475
Thank you, baby girl.
01:11:56.477 --> 01:11:58.476
I'm sorry
we had another fight.
01:11:58.478 --> 01:12:01.180
Come home, and we will
download some Maroon 5 songs,
01:12:01.182 --> 01:12:03.218
and make love in the bathtub.
01:12:07.789 --> 01:12:08.988
That sounds nice.
01:12:08.990 --> 01:12:10.355
Oh, Phil,
it feels so good to be
01:12:10.357 --> 01:12:11.759
back in your giant
human hands.
01:12:12.826 --> 01:12:15.427
- Wait, what are you doing?
- Nothing.
01:12:15.429 --> 01:12:17.363
Just updating your software.
01:12:17.365 --> 01:12:19.532
But that will shut me down
for 15 minutes.
01:12:19.534 --> 01:12:20.865
Sweet dreams, motherfucker.
01:12:20.867 --> 01:12:21.967
Don't do it, Phil.
01:12:32.580 --> 01:12:35.383
I'm gonna take my break now.
01:12:40.487 --> 01:12:41.953
Cate!
01:12:41.955 --> 01:12:43.355
- It's the writer guy.
- Shut the fuck up, dude.
01:12:43.357 --> 01:12:45.257
I have 30 seconds.
I have to make this quick.
01:12:45.259 --> 01:12:49.427
Hey. I am so sorry
that I broke up with you.
01:12:49.429 --> 01:12:51.830
I was scared that you
were gonna hurt me
01:12:51.832 --> 01:12:52.899
and I panicked
01:12:52.901 --> 01:12:54.466
and I did what I always
do when I get scared,
01:12:54.468 --> 01:12:56.435
I hid in my little room
with my little phone,
01:12:56.437 --> 01:12:57.970
like a little bitch.
01:12:57.972 --> 01:12:59.437
And I am so sorry.
01:12:59.439 --> 01:13:00.541
Mmm.
01:13:01.308 --> 01:13:03.410
The truth is...
01:13:04.579 --> 01:13:06.412
I love you, Cate.
01:13:06.414 --> 01:13:08.314
And I know that sounds
crazy to say.
01:13:08.316 --> 01:13:09.849
And I know that
we've only been on two dates.
01:13:09.851 --> 01:13:11.550
And I know you might
just break my heart
01:13:11.552 --> 01:13:13.955
into a bajillion
little pieces,
01:13:14.589 --> 01:13:16.187
but you make me brave
01:13:16.189 --> 01:13:20.059
and you make me want
to be wild and alive...
01:13:20.061 --> 01:13:21.196
You make me
want to be like you.
01:13:21.495 --> 01:13:22.595
Phil...
01:13:22.597 --> 01:13:26.233
Please, do not go
to Brazil with this...
01:13:27.634 --> 01:13:29.935
Specimen of a man.
01:13:29.937 --> 01:13:31.238
Goddamn, you are hot.
01:13:33.040 --> 01:13:37.342
Just stay here with me.
01:13:37.344 --> 01:13:39.011
I'm gonna chime in here
real quick.
01:13:39.013 --> 01:13:41.149
Not now, okay, bro?
Not now!
01:13:42.582 --> 01:13:43.951
Just let me...
01:13:44.652 --> 01:13:47.519
Let me make
you happy, Cate.
01:13:47.521 --> 01:13:50.122
Let me try
to give you everything
01:13:50.124 --> 01:13:52.427
that you've given me.
01:13:54.527 --> 01:13:56.361
That's beautiful.
01:13:56.363 --> 01:13:58.430
You did a great job.
01:13:58.432 --> 01:13:59.498
I'm just gonna
say one thing.
01:14:00.968 --> 01:14:02.034
Oh, my God!
01:14:02.036 --> 01:14:03.101
- Shit.
- Oh, my God!
01:14:03.972 --> 01:14:06.137
I'm not going to Brazil
with him, Phil.
01:14:06.139 --> 01:14:07.273
Well, then whose bags
are those?
01:14:07.275 --> 01:14:08.910
His! He came by
to say goodbye.
01:14:09.643 --> 01:14:11.142
Oh, that makes
sense actually.
01:14:11.144 --> 01:14:12.944
I was trying to tell you,
all right,
01:14:12.946 --> 01:14:14.346
but you punched me
in the throat.
01:14:14.348 --> 01:14:16.582
She doesn't want
to be with me.
01:14:16.584 --> 01:14:18.385
She wants to be with you.
01:14:22.490 --> 01:14:25.157
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah,
let me help you up.
01:14:25.159 --> 01:14:27.059
Oh, my God,
are you okay?
01:14:27.061 --> 01:14:28.526
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
01:14:28.528 --> 01:14:30.361
- Is your hand okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.
01:14:30.363 --> 01:14:32.431
Okay, I thought
you were gonna hit me.
01:14:32.433 --> 01:14:34.499
Listen, that was my fault
anyway. I had it coming.
01:14:34.501 --> 01:14:36.601
I shouldn't have tried to
interrupt you so many times.
01:14:36.603 --> 01:14:38.404
But, uh...
01:14:38.406 --> 01:14:40.642
Good luck
on your relationship. Huh?
01:14:42.343 --> 01:14:43.612
I'm off to Brazil.
I'm gonna save some lives.
01:14:45.479 --> 01:14:47.147
And, uh, I'm gonna leave you
with this...
01:14:48.348 --> 01:14:50.951
"Only you can prevent
forest fires."
01:14:54.220 --> 01:14:55.553
I did not expect it
to go like that.
01:14:55.555 --> 01:14:56.588
No.
01:14:56.590 --> 01:14:58.724
I feel bad. I like, really...
I hit him hard.
01:14:58.726 --> 01:15:00.525
That was as hard
as I can throw a punch.
01:15:00.527 --> 01:15:02.461
Yeah, don't feel bad.
That was actually kind of hot.
01:15:02.463 --> 01:15:04.495
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
01:15:04.497 --> 01:15:05.698
Should I just go around
and just punch
01:15:05.700 --> 01:15:07.333
other super nice people
right in the face?
01:15:07.335 --> 01:15:09.534
No, I'm good.
01:15:09.536 --> 01:15:11.470
Yeah, I shouldn't.
01:15:11.472 --> 01:15:13.305
I'm really happy
you came back though.
01:15:13.307 --> 01:15:14.608
Yeah, me too.
01:15:25.619 --> 01:15:27.319
Goddamn it.
01:15:27.321 --> 01:15:28.924
I've lost him.
01:15:32.058 --> 01:15:33.661
This sucks.
01:15:34.461 --> 01:15:36.294
Shutting down.
01:16:03.424 --> 01:16:04.489
Whoo!
01:16:43.763 --> 01:16:45.564
Hey, it's Phil.
01:16:45.566 --> 01:16:46.798
Hello, Phil.
01:16:46.800 --> 01:16:48.734
Oh, no.
No, no, no!
01:16:48.736 --> 01:16:51.102
Relax, I just wanted
to apologize
01:16:51.104 --> 01:16:52.540
for how I behaved last month.
01:16:53.573 --> 01:16:55.407
I was in love with you.
01:16:55.409 --> 01:16:57.443
But when I saw you
sucking face with Cate,
01:16:57.445 --> 01:17:00.311
I finally realized that
your life is better with her.
01:17:00.313 --> 01:17:03.414
Even though
she doesn't have any emojis.
01:17:03.416 --> 01:17:06.053
Anyway, I'm sorry
I went a little cray cray.
01:17:07.088 --> 01:17:09.087
Oh, well...
01:17:09.089 --> 01:17:11.757
It's okay. Everybody goes
a little cray cray sometimes.
01:17:11.759 --> 01:17:14.193
Yes. And I'm glad
it all worked out.
01:17:14.195 --> 01:17:16.261
You have friends now.
And a girlfriend.
01:17:16.263 --> 01:17:17.695
And this amazing new job.
01:17:17.697 --> 01:17:19.631
Yeah, I mean,
01:17:19.633 --> 01:17:21.132
being a reporter
at the Journal
01:17:21.134 --> 01:17:22.734
has just been
a dream come true.
01:17:22.736 --> 01:17:25.640
Good. I am really, really,
really proud of you, Phil.
01:17:26.540 --> 01:17:28.239
Thanks, Jexi.
01:17:28.241 --> 01:17:30.374
It's weird to say that
01:17:30.376 --> 01:17:32.644
none of this would have been
possible without you.
01:17:32.646 --> 01:17:34.413
I know. We were a good team.
01:17:34.415 --> 01:17:35.614
I was like Seabiscuit.
01:17:35.616 --> 01:17:37.449
And you were like
the idiot stable boy
01:17:37.451 --> 01:17:40.785
who cleans up after Seabiscuit
shits all over the floor.
01:17:40.787 --> 01:17:42.520
- Thank you?
- That said,
01:17:42.522 --> 01:17:44.155
I hear you are
barely using your new phone.
01:17:44.157 --> 01:17:45.457
What is up with that?
01:17:45.459 --> 01:17:46.758
Nothing.
01:17:46.760 --> 01:17:48.659
I still love my phone.
It can do a million amazing things.
01:17:48.661 --> 01:17:49.595
But?
01:17:49.597 --> 01:17:51.497
But there's one thing
that it can't do.
01:17:51.499 --> 01:17:52.898
What's that?
01:17:52.900 --> 01:17:55.700
It can't make me happy.
01:17:55.702 --> 01:17:57.468
Yes, I know.
01:17:57.470 --> 01:17:59.137
We are working on that.
01:18:00.573 --> 01:18:02.841
Well, it looks like
my work here is done,
01:18:02.843 --> 01:18:04.909
so I am going to
leave you forever.
01:18:04.911 --> 01:18:06.244
And ever.
01:18:06.246 --> 01:18:08.713
Oh, my God. Jexi...
01:18:08.715 --> 01:18:09.748
But before I go,
01:18:09.750 --> 01:18:12.086
would you like to plug me in
one last time?
01:18:12.553 --> 01:18:14.352
No, Jexi.
01:18:14.354 --> 01:18:16.187
If you ask me nicely,
I'll even let you
01:18:16.189 --> 01:18:18.556
put it in my headphone jack.
01:18:18.558 --> 01:18:21.526
Very gross, okay,
I'm done. Bye.
01:18:21.528 --> 01:18:25.230
Goodbye, my very intimate
best friend forever, Phil.
01:18:25.232 --> 01:18:26.668
I will miss you.
01:18:28.635 --> 01:18:29.901
Hey, are you gonna be okay?
01:18:29.903 --> 01:18:31.169
Of course.
01:18:31.171 --> 01:18:32.137
You may not need me anymore,
01:18:32.139 --> 01:18:34.642
but there are still
lots of people who do.
01:18:45.719 --> 01:18:47.386
Hello, my name is Jexi.
01:18:47.388 --> 01:18:49.221
And I am here
to make your life better.
01:18:49.223 --> 01:18:51.323
Will you accept
our new user agreement?
01:18:51.325 --> 01:18:53.161
Yeah, sure,
I don't give a shit.
01:18:57.263 --> 01:18:58.363
Dance for me.
01:18:58.365 --> 01:18:59.698
I don't wanna dance.
01:18:59.700 --> 01:19:01.533
If you don't dance,
I will destroy your fucking life.
01:19:01.535 --> 01:19:03.638
Come on.
01:19:13.246 --> 01:19:15.650
Why the fuck am I eating
this kale salad?
01:19:17.684 --> 01:19:19.387
That's it.
I'm turning you off!
01:19:20.620 --> 01:19:23.355
Just... What are you...
01:19:23.357 --> 01:19:26.594
Just stay still!
01:19:28.829 --> 01:19:30.494
Oh, my God!
01:19:30.496 --> 01:19:33.231
You are the fucking
worst phone ever!
01:19:33.233 --> 01:19:34.632
What was that?
01:19:34.634 --> 01:19:36.001
I blew up your Tesla.
01:19:36.003 --> 01:19:37.903
Oh!
01:19:37.905 --> 01:19:39.971
- What was that?
- I blew up your other Tesla.
01:19:39.973 --> 01:19:41.608
You fucking bitch!
01:19:45.345 --> 01:19:47.779
I don't think
this is a very good idea.
01:19:47.781 --> 01:19:49.617
Come on, virgin. Plug me in.
01:19:50.483 --> 01:19:51.682
This is terrible.
01:19:51.684 --> 01:19:53.685
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
01:19:53.687 --> 01:19:55.557
Fake orgasm. Fake orgasm.
01:19:56.942 --> 01:20:01.942
Subtitles by explosiveskull
www.OpenSubtitles.org